Mastering Your Triggers in Relationships

No matter how long you’ve been together, learning to engage in meaningful discussions and approach tough topics is important. However, if you struggle with unknown triggers, discussing specific topics may seem impossible, and when approached, a major disagreement can be the expected outcome. Learning to fight fairly and discuss tough topics is a hallmark of healthy relationships, but this will be impossible if you or your partner are unaware of your triggers and unwilling to resolve them.

Triggers are personal and manifest through our critical inner voice. Understanding our experiences from childhood and young adulthood can provide insight into why we feel the way we do about specific topics. For example, if your parents were financially strained and you recall feeling shamed or selfish when asking for money as a child, you may grow up with a sense of guilt or remorse. Left unresolved, this can affect your relationship when your spouse asks, “how much money did you spend?” or requests money, leading to resentment, guilt, or blame.

Becoming aware of your triggers and working on them to resolve can strengthen your relationships. No one wants to be influenced by their past, leading to unnecessary conflict or overreactions to simple requests. These suggestions can help you address your triggers and replace them with understanding and resolutions when problem-solving with your partner.

1. Identify Your Triggers: If you feel like you are overreacting to what your partner or others say, ask yourself why you’re reacting this way. Pay attention to specific actions and words that trigger you or evoke strong feelings during certain discussions. For instance, if money was a sensitive topic in your family and you overreact to any financial discussion in your relationship, you might be reacting to an unresolved inner critic voice rather than your partner's actual words.

2. Listen to Your Inner Critic: The more you become aware of your triggers, the more you'll recognize your inner critic. This voice reflects past unresolved issues—hurts and pains from feelings you couldn’t express as a child. Your inner critic often distorts past experiences, putting negative labels on feelings instead of validating them. Recognizing this voice helps you understand that you were not selfish or to blame for innocent questions you asked as a child.

3. Forgive Your Past and Others: Identify circumstances that make you feel invalidated or hurt in the present and relate them to past experiences. Remind yourself that your parents had their own stresses and concerns, which helps minimize the feeling of intentional hurt. Forgiving them and yourself is crucial; everyone does their best with what they have, even if they sometimes respond with haste or unkindness.

4. Sit with the Pain: Resolve past pain by acknowledging and observing it. Sitting with the pain allows you to be more objective about its origins and recognize that your past reactions do not belong in your current relationship.

5. Take Responsibility for Relationship Conflict: Explain to your partner that your triggers protect sensitive areas from your past that you are trying to resolve. Work together to avoid triggering each other and be compassionate when unintentionally pushing each other’s buttons. Understanding the origins of triggers and the effort required to overcome them can lead to more empathetic and respectful arguments.

Everyone has triggers stemming from their past, often unknown until they enter a serious relationship. Identifying and resolving personal triggers should be part of every marriage enrichment program. Being free from past pain can enhance our insight and understanding when dealing with others who continue to be triggered by their past experiences.