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Are you dating a “Roacher?”

Roaches often make people cringe in disgust, that’s pretty much how most people will react when they find out they are dating one. In dating, “roaching” is when a new partner hides the fact that they are still sleeping around with other people. Roaching is becoming more common in modern dating where more than half of all singles are meeting on dating apps and through social media platforms. The term comes from the feeling you get when you turn on the light and see roaches scurrying off to hiding places in the dark.

Red flags to look for if you’re being roached

  • Your date is inconsistent with plans that were made. Someone who really likes you would have made better plans and kept them.

  • They like you a lot when you’re together but put distance between the two of you when you’re not.

  • They don’t want to get attached and are vague about getting serious.

  • They make you feel suspicious

What do to if you are being roached by your partner.

  1. Have the talk about exclusivity. If you haven’t made your intentions clear that you want a monogamous relationship, it’s important that you do that. In the beginning of a relationship before boundaries are established everyone runs the risk of begin roached.

  2. Take care of your health. If you find out your partner has been seeing other people, make sure you take care of your health; make an appointment with your doctor and take necessary precautions so you don’t get a sexually transmitted disease.

  3. Decide what you want and what you deserve. If you want a monogamous relationship, make it clear up front and stop seeing the roacher until that is established. Don’t expect them to change or read your mind. Your ultimate responsibility is to the health and safety of your body and mind.

  4. Practice strong boundary setting. Speak your mind and be honest with whoever you’re dating. Hinting, instead of being direct, or allowing someone to disrespect your values are common problems that encourage roachers. If trust is broken while dating, don’t deny it or brush it away; see the red flag for what it is and let this potential partner go.

It's difficult after you’ve fallen for someone to set firm boundaries and advocate for yourself. Know what you want from a potential partner and be aware of their avoidance with relationship questions you ask, or excuses made for not showing up. The best way to protect yourself from being in a relationship with a roacher is to prevent it. The more you share your honest values, communicate directly, and have the courage to end it the first time they don’t show up or betray your trust the more you’ll protect yourself from dating one.


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