Understanding and Resolving the Hurt from Sexual Rejection

Feeling rejected sexually by your partner is something many people experience. It happens in marriage and long-term relationships because partners have different needs at different times. When one partner wants sexual connection and the other needs space alone, sex doesn’t happen. However, when sexual rejection happens more frequently and one partner is unable to express why or what their needs are, it can leave the other partner feeling hurt, depressed, and alone.

Many couples do not understand the difference between feeling rejected and being rejected sexually. If a partner doesn’t feel well and they reject sexual advances, they are being sexually rejected but for a logical, realistic reason. Their partner may feel rejected, but the rejection isn’t meant to make them feel disconnected, nor is it something their partner is intentionally doing. However, when one partner consistently withdraws sexually and refuses sexual attention without a clear reason, it can be hurtful to their partner’s mental health, leaving them feeling depressed, rejected, and bad about themselves. This is true sexual rejection.

If you are feeling sexually rejected, it usually falls into one of these types:

1. Assertive Rejection: When you tell your partner directly you aren’t interested in sex and you aren’t sensitive with your words.

2. Reassuring Rejection: When you tell your partner that you aren’t interested but reassure them that you are still attracted to them. You offer another way to physically connect, such as cuddling.

3. Hostile Rejection: When you reject your partner sexually and blame them for wanting sex. You may feel irritable or annoyed and say hurtful things, such as accusing them of using you or telling them it’s their fault you don’t desire them.

4. Denying or Pretending: When you pretend not to notice your partner’s advances. You may pretend to sleep or get involved with something else that distracts you from your partner’s bid for sexual attention.
   

If you are feeling sexually rejected, it’s important not to hide your feelings but to be open to working with your partner to resolve the issues around sex. No one should ever feel forced to have sex, but using sex as a weapon to punish your partner is mentally damaging. Even if you don’t want to have sex, maintaining a physical connection can be achieved in other ways. These suggestions can help you and your partner begin to feel closer and more intimate with each other:

1. Take Turns Initiating: If you are the partner who doesn’t initiate, begin taking turns. Research shows that initiating sex can increase desire.

2. Get to the Truth of Your Feelings: Ensure the rejection you feel from your partner is really about the relationship. Criticism at work or from others may be projected onto your relationship, which is unfair.

3. Keep Date Nights Pressure-Free: Couples who argue about sex have less sex. Take the pressure off, focus on companionship, physical touch, and emotional connection. Feeling good about each other is more likely to enhance sexual desire.

4. Evaluate Your Relationship: Is sex the only thing missing from your relationship, or do you feel distant in all areas? When sex becomes the focus, other important factors may be missed. Set aside time to talk and discuss if the relationship is healthy for both of you. Seeking medical attention is important for partners who feel like they don’t desire sex at all. This is not uncommon and is treatable. Couples therapy can be helpful when there is a communication breakdown.

5. Talk to a Therapist: Discuss how your partner rejects you. Withholding sex as a form of punishment can be emotionally abusive, and ending such a relationship may be necessary. Anyone who loves you should work to reassure you and put effort into changing themselves to help you feel loved and special. It is mentally unhealthy to remain in a relationship that causes you pain and destroys your mental health.
   

If you find yourself feeling rejected sexually by your partner, you’re not alone. Sex drives between couples rarely match exactly. However, work on communication and show your love in ways other than sex. Most people will experience periods of low sexual desire in their long-term relationship. If it continues, seeking medical and emotional health care therapy can help you understand where it’s coming from and how to resolve the issues so you can build stronger communication and enhance intimacy.