The Fine Line Between Lying and Respecting Boundaries

Lying is never acceptable in a relationship, especially one that values radical transparency. Radical transparency involves being completely truthful with your partner at all times. However, there are moments when honoring the truth means omitting certain information. This isn’t considered lying; it’s about respecting each other’s personal boundaries and being committed to the emotional and physical health of both the individuals and the relationship.

Lying is a conscious act of dishonesty where you intentionally deceive your partner. It isn’t about respect or boundaries; it's driven by self-interest. On the other hand, being honest while honoring each other’s boundaries is a form of transparency. It allows for mutual trust without suspicion or fear of betrayal.

When working with clients, I emphasize actions that demonstrate transparency and respect, without crossing into dishonesty. Here are some examples of how to maintain that balance:

1. When it involves a private or confidential matter: We all have personal experiences or thoughts that are ours alone to process. For example, you might be grappling with something an ex said long ago, or handling confidential family matters. Not every thought, feeling, or piece of information is meant to be shared. Practicing strong boundaries is essential for a healthy relationship.

2. When you overhear something hurtful about your partner: What others say behind your or your partner’s back is none of your business. When you overhear something, you likely don’t have the full context. Let it go. Relaying gossip to your partner only stirs mistrust and could lead to unnecessary conflict. Sharing such information makes you an instigator of potential harm.

3. When you dislike your partner’s new haircut or outfit: Honesty doesn’t always require sharing information that might hurt your partner. If they ask for your opinion and it’s negative, soften the feedback. For instance, if you don’t like their new haircut, you could say, “You look beautiful, but I preferred your old hairstyle.” Honesty should never be cruel.

4. When planning a surprise: Radical transparency doesn’t mean you have to disclose every detail of a surprise you're planning for your partner. The only exception would be if the surprise involves a financial decision that might affect the relationship. Otherwise, keeping the surprise a secret—like a birthday gift—is an act of love, not deceit.

In my practice and in my marriage, I advocate for radical transparency, but that doesn’t mean sharing every personal boundary issue with my husband. Maintaining personal space and honoring the confidences of friends and family is important. One of the quickest ways to destroy trust in a relationship is through lying. So before deciding whether to share something with your partner, ask yourself: if the roles were reversed and they kept this information from you, would you be okay with it? The answer to that question should guide your decision.