Is It Time to Leave? Questions to Help You Make a Thoughtful Decision

When a relationship is struggling, one of the most common dilemmas partners face is whether to stay and work things out or to leave. Couples in this challenging situation often turn to a counselor for guidance and support, hoping to gain clarity and make a more informed decision. While therapy can help, the ultimate decision to stay or leave typically comes after other options have been explored.

If you are contemplating leaving a relationship, it’s usually a sign that the relationship is already in distress. Many couples wait years before seeking therapy, enduring unresolved issues for far too long. When I ask couples why they delayed seeking help, they often respond with reasons like:

• They believed the relationship should naturally work out if it was "meant to be."

• They felt that if they couldn’t resolve issues on their own, the relationship was inherently flawed.

This mindset can be counterproductive when building a healthy, lasting relationship. Successful relationships require problem-solving, teamwork, and a commitment to addressing issues together. Developing these skills deepens the bond and improves the relationship for both partners.

To help couples considering separation, I suggest reflecting on the following questions. These are designed to promote clarity and facilitate a well-thought-out decision.

• What is missing in this relationship? Can it be fixed? Identify what feels broken and assess whether you are motivated to address it. Understanding the root of the issue is the first step in determining whether improvement is possible.

• What would the relationship look like if key obstacles were resolved? Write down three significant problems in your relationship. Then, imagine how satisfying the relationship might be if these issues were resolved. This exercise helps clarify whether your love and commitment still have the potential to thrive.

• Am I willing to change to improve the relationship? Consider what changes you could make and whether you are willing to make them. If you are resistant to change, it may indicate you’ve already mentally checked out of the relationship.

• Are these issues about the relationship, or are they unresolved issues from my past? Sometimes, unhealed wounds from past experiences can manifest as conflicts in the present. Reflect on whether your frustrations stem from the current relationship or unresolved personal issues.

• Do we still have love and affection for each other? Outside of conflicts, assess whether there is still mutual affection and a desire to be close. This can help determine if the connection is worth salvaging.

• How would leaving impact our children or family members? If you are married or have children, consider the emotional toll of separation on your family. In cases without abuse, working on the marriage may often be the healthier choice for everyone involved.

While many struggling relationships can benefit from effort and professional help, there are situations where leaving is the best choice. Below are valid reasons for separation:

• Abuse: Abuse of any kind—emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or otherwise—is a deal-breaker. There is no such thing as "just a little abuse." Your safety and well-being come first.

• Consistently feeling bad around your partner: If your partner’s behavior makes you feel controlled, like you’re walking on eggshells, or negatively impacts your self-esteem, it’s a sign of a toxic dynamic. Therapy may help, but separation is often necessary to escape this environment.

• Lack of enjoyment in spending time together: A healthy relationship involves wanting to spend time together. If you constantly avoid your partner, it’s a red flag that the relationship may no longer be fulfilling.

• No desire to invest in the relationship: Ask yourself if you see your partner in your future. If you feel like you’re carrying the entire emotional and physical load of the relationship and your partner shows no willingness to contribute or change, it may be time to end things.

If you are considering breaking up or divorcing, it’s worth seeking individual or couples therapy to better understand the root of your problems. Taking a step back to evaluate the costs and benefits of working on the relationship can provide clarity about the effort required from both partners. Ultimately, the choice is yours. However, knowing you’ve done everything in your power to make the best decision can provide peace of mind—whether it’s the end of your relationship or a new beginning together.