3 Ways You Might be Unintentionally Gaslighting Your Partner

In long-term relationships, we often fall into routines. Some of these routines are healthy, while others are not. Stress from work, parenting, and dealing with in-laws can contribute to tension in a relationship. Under stress, partners may not behave their best, and their comments or actions can sometimes become emotionally manipulative or spiteful.

Most of us are familiar with the term gaslighting—the act of distorting another person’s reality to the point where they doubt their own perceptions or sanity. A hallmark of this behavior is making your partner feel as though they are "crazy." We often discuss gaslighting with friends, acknowledging that it’s emotionally harmful and toxic to relationships.

But what may surprise you is that you could unknowingly gaslight your partner from time to time. How can you tell? Therapists have identified common signs of gaslighting. I encourage you to reflect on these signs with your partner. If you recognize yourself in any of them, have an open conversation, apologize, and work together to find healthier ways to handle conflict.

1. Telling Your Partner They’re Too Sensitive. When you tell your partner they’re "too sensitive" or dismiss their feelings because they feel hurt, you’re minimizing your actions and attempting to manipulate them into seeing the situation your way. This is a clear form of gaslighting. Instead, acknowledge their feelings. If your partner is hurt by something you said or did, apologize sincerely. Ask what you can do to make amends and avoid similar situations in the future.

2. Saying “It Wasn’t My Intention” or “You’re Overreacting.” These statements are also forms of gaslighting because they shift focus away from your actions and place the blame on your partner for reacting “too intensely.” You don’t have the right to dictate how someone else should feel after being hurt. Rather than trying to justify your actions, take responsibility. Apologize, and ask what you can do to rebuild trust. Show your partner that you’re committed to understanding their pain and ensuring the situation doesn’t repeat itself. For example, ask what aspect of the situation upset them most—this can help you both identify emotional triggers and work toward better communication.

3. Challenging Your Partner’s Memory of an Event. If you try to convince your partner that their memory of a situation is wrong, it can feel invalidating and dismissive. Disagreements about how an event happened don’t make one person right and the other wrong—they reflect differing perspectives. Arguing to “win” risks eroding trust in your relationship. Insisting that your partner’s version of events is incorrect sends the message that they shouldn’t trust their own feelings or recollections, which is a harmful form of emotional manipulation. Instead, focus on asking questions and validating their experience. Acknowledge that your perspectives may differ, and prioritize understanding their feelings over “winning” the argument.

It’s fair to say that most of us have said things during conflicts that we later regret. However, if you find that your comments are consistently aimed at protecting yourself while disregarding your partner’s feelings, you may be engaging in gaslighting, even if unintentionally. To build a healthier relationship, strive to actively listen to your partner, be curious about their emotions, and prioritize validating their feelings over defending your actions. Doing so fosters trust, understanding, and a deeper emotional connection.