Flirting Isn't Innocent If You're Married

When couples come to see me with relationship issues, one common theme is weak boundaries. These weak boundaries leave room for various forms of emotional, physical, and even cyber cheating. One gray area that often causes tension is flirting with someone outside the marriage, even if that person is just a good friend.

So, can you flirt with someone other than your spouse? Is it always a sign of something more? And what’s the big deal about flirting anyway?

The big deal is that flirting might seem harmless, especially if it’s done playfully with your spouse—but when you flirt with someone else, your intentions may be innocent while theirs are not. You don’t know how the other person will interpret your actions, and that uncertainty is exactly what makes it a problem.

Most people don’t appreciate their partner flirting with someone else. Still, many continue to do so. If that’s you, I’ve put together a list of flirting behaviors that are inappropriate when you’re married. If you’re engaging in any of these, you’re actively eroding the trust in your relationship—whether you realize it or not.

• Touching someone other than your spouse in a flirty way. If you're married, physical touch with someone else in a flirtatious manner crosses the line. Even if you don’t intend to pursue anything further, it’s a betrayal of your vows. Flirty touching is not innocent—it’s dangerous. Don’t do it.

• Posting flirtatious behavior on social media. Even if it feels like harmless fun, you have no control over how the other person—or their partner—will interpret it. It’s not only disrespectful to the person you’re flirting with, but it’s also dishonest toward your spouse.

• Lying to your partner to cover up flirting. If your partner brings up concerns about your behavior and you respond with lies or defensiveness, you're already beginning to cross the emotional affair line. Dishonesty is one of the first steps that lead to infidelity.

• Complimenting others on their looks instead of your spouse. Some compliments should be reserved for your partner. While it’s fine to acknowledge someone's kindness or generosity, complimenting someone else's appearance—especially in a flirty tone—can easily cross the line.

• Comparing others to your spouse. No one feels good when they’re being compared. Your partner should be the most important person in your life. Comparing them to others diminishes their value and damages the relationship.

• Giving more attention to others than your spouse. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone. Once you’re married, your spouse takes precedence. Past friendships or emotional closeness with someone else don't justify giving them more attention than your partner. In therapy, we call that a boundary issue—and it’s not okay.

• Complaining about your partner in public. Sharing your relationship issues with others, especially in a negative or critical tone—does not make you look confident or mature. It embarrasses your partner and reveals poor judgment. If you’re struggling, seek a therapist, not an audience.

Trying to flirt while you’re married may come across as silly at best, and lecherous and disrespectful at worst. Flirt with your spouse. If your marriage needs help, talk to a therapist. Flirting with someone outside your marriage is a careless way to shut down emotional vulnerability, destroy trust, and chip away at the intimacy you've built.