Last week, Pam, a single mom, came into my office. She was distraught. Her 13 year old son was “in love.”  Pam had not anticipated “love” happening with her son, and told me she had expected her 9-year-old daughter to fall head over heels in love but not her son.

     Pam also told me that her son was still engaging in all of his extracurricular activities and was very responsible with doing his assignments and was a straight A student. Her main concern was how she should deal with his ups and downs in love. She wondered if she should have a man talk to him about his feelings or if she was capable to handle this as his mother.  Below are some of the points I helped to clarify for Pam.

    Although many people would agree that they would expect this kind of behavior more from their daughter than from a son the truth is that every teen has the potential and emotional development to fall in love. Love is an equal opportunity emotion and we would be sexist if we thought it happens more to girls than to boys (who do you think is the partner to those girls who are in love?). You actually have an incredible opportunity to open the lines of communication and turn this in to an incredible learning situation for you and your son. Your son is showing incredible maturity in treating her with respect and remaining very responsible and involved with  his school activities. That says a lot about how you have parented him and the experiences you have offered him thus far. Boys want the same things girls want in a relationship at the age of thirteen. He wants to be valued, to be special to someone, and he wants to show you he is independent and grown up. I agree that thirteen is too young to date, but it isn’t too young to be in love. Love happens; it is not planned and once it happens, the wise parent uses it as a way of teaching and expanding their relationship with their child.

Here are a few suggestions that I think may help you.

1.  Don’t ever belittle your son or make fun of his affection for this girl. He is learning to respect women through this relationship. When he does something especially thoughtful or kind tell him how you would feel about a man who did that for you. Compliment him when he shows good judgment and responsibility. That will go much further than scolding him when he doesn’t. 

2. He cannot drive yet, nor can she. That affords you the opportunity to help him set limits. You can encourage him in regards to setting boundaries with time spent with her on the weekend, or during the week. It also allows you to be in the car listening and engaging them both in conversation. If you feel their relationship is going too far talk to your son alone. If that doesn’t solve the problem talk to your son and her. They will see that you are trying to help them find BALANCE (something every 13 year old needs when they start a relationship).

3. Encourage your son to set time aside to keep up with his other relationships. There is a 99% chance that this relationship will end and the friendship of others will help your son bounce back from this experience.

4. Don’t forget to be a mom and listen to him, talk to him about his feelings for this girl. Boys’ emotions are often overlooked or minimized as society believes only girls are emotional. It won’t take you long before you will see how loving this girl takes your son from zero to sixty in ten minutes emotionally. He will need your support that this is how love feels. Reassure him that he will feel this way about many people as he grows older. He needs your experiences and your guidance.

5. Thirteen year old boys should be talked to by a man in regards to their hormones, their sex drive, and knowledge about their bodies. You were able to teach him when he was younger, but now he may feel embarrassed to talk to you about what he is experiencing. Enlist a good friend, a brother, your son’s dad, or your son’s grandfather. This should be a right of passage and should not be something your son dreads. Allow your son to reach out to a man he feels comfortable with. This will help him feel in control and also build a relationship with a male he can always trust for straight answers. You are raising a man and men need independence to help build self esteem.

      Let me finish with this Pam. From the sounds of your letter you are doing a great job at raising a sensitive boy who has the ability to love another. Give him a big hug and tell him you are proud of the way he is listening to and honoring his feelings.