Cheating is destructive in any relationship. Men and women both cheat for varied reasons. Women seldom cheat for the physical reasons and almost always cheat due to emotional attachments. This makes sense as women are emotional beings. Most sex, as well as intimacy, happens in our minds long before it happens to us physically. We play all sorts of “scenarios” in our head of how making love to this person would be, and we entertain words we want to hear as well. Women look for different types of people to cheat with than men do.

A man may choose someone primarily on their looks or sex appeal. Women look at what the man does, how he behaves, as well as how emotional he can be with us. One of the primary reasons women cheat is because we feel that we aren't getting the attention we need or deserve from our partner. A woman gives up a lot of her power to her partner. This partner is responsible for making us feel desired, adored and loved. If this partner fails at displaying enough attention or reconfirming that we are most important, we become depressed and/or angry. We tell ourselves that we need to find someone else who will recognize our beauty and significance. This may put women in a position where an affair is likely.

There are other reasons that women cheat, including revenge, excitement, power, money, romance, falling in love or a difficult marriage (or relationship). When you look at all the reasons, it usually boils down to one very large and unavoidable issue. Having an affair has a lot to do with a low self-esteem. However, this reason won't stand up in the courts. Nor will it make your husband or partner any more forgiving. But, it is true.

Many of my female patients struggle with their self-esteem as well as their confidence. Some of the struggle is physical, including their body image, such as their feelings about their looks and their feelings of how those close to them feel about their looks. The struggle is also emotional. This includes their ability to feel educated, confident or worthy to their family and friends. When counseling a couple after the woman has cheated, the husband usually remarks, “I told you every day you were beautiful, so why did you do this to us?” She did it, because although he told her how beautiful she was, she couldn't believe it. She is a vase with a leak in it. No matter how much water he pours in, it will leak out. The vase has a leak, and in this marriage the wife has a leak that neither her husband nor anyone else can fill. She doesn't believe she is a worthwhile person.

Much of a counselor's job is trying to help the individual seal a leak. Childhood is where many of the leaks form. That's why we believe parenting is so vital. If you find yourself married to someone with a leak, or you personally feel like you have a leak, don't despair. There are ways to super glue your leak and feel whole again. I offer suggestions for you to begin today. Try to adapt them into your current lifestyle and also use them with parenting. The worst thing is not having a leak, but rather creating a leak in someone else.

Ways to glue a leak and maintain a healthy self-esteem:

1. Make a plan today to take better care of yourself.

   a. Go for a walk.

   b. Eat two more veggies today.

   c. Eat two more fruits today.

   d. Listen to your favorite music for 15 minutes.

2. Write someone a letter that has the truth in it. The raw, real truth about something that has been bothering you. Don't send it immediately, wait 24 hours.
3. Clean out one old drawer that you have been putting off.
4. Find one token of appreciation such as an award or where someone said something good about you. Get it out for display in your home.
5. Re-read thank you cards you have received. If you don't have any, do something nice for someone and you most likely will receive one.
6. Go to a prayer website and submit one prayer for yourself or someone else. God is big and He can handle many; you only need to submit one.
7. Do one simple wonderful thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it does have to be for you.

Living your life and never feeling fulfilled is a terrible way to live. In a marriage it may cause “tit for tat” behaviors, which can be a reason for cheating too. Begin today to fulfill yourself instead of expecting other people, friends or family to do it for you. Not getting what you needed as a child is unfortunate, but you are an adult now. It's time to add your own water.

I had a great time speaking at this fabulous event.  It was so much fun to see so many empowered women!  Prime Living Magazine posted some great photos from the event on their Facebook page.  Enjoy!

This Mother's Day, along with the flowers, candy, brunches, and sweet cards, it may be wise to sit back and recognize the woman you call Mom. In the Wizard of Oz, the great wizard was an old man behind a curtain pulling levers to make the great Oz look magnificent. In most of our lives, the one behind the curtain pulling levers to make everything look great or feel great (including us) is our mom. She has been there since our birth providing for us, guiding us and trying to do everything within her power to make us the best we can be.

The importance of mom has not been lost on the United States government. War tactics have changed where female soldiers are going in to the villages to talk to the women (moms) to appeal to their sense of educating their children for a brighter tomorrow. They understand this will be successful because they too know that moms are focused on building communities, families, and ultimately want the best for their children.

Pharmaceuticals appeal to moms because they understand women not only take care of their own health, but they take care of the whole family's health. If you can teach a mother to eat healthy, you will influence her whole family for generations to come. Being a mom is more than taking care of your child. It is changing the future for generations to come. There is an old saying that “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world,” and indeed that is played out in every family almost every day. For the first time in US history, the majority of families are single parent families, and the majority of those are run by mom. She is at the peak of most advertizing dollars, and most daytime TV shows adjust their venues to what will be appealing to mom. Moms are still 100% invested in their children and their children's welfare, even when they get a scowl from you because you cannot have that junk food you wanted.

This year for Mother's Day I have ideas of how teens can make their moms feel really special. There is one premise you must understand as you go through this list. By the time you are a teen your mom has a deep pride, but also carries a sense of nostalgia with her. She looks at you and remembers how you were as her little baby; that same face you give her at times, she remembers when it had only two teeth. She may feel “replaced” by your new active life, and although she is proud that you are growing up into a healthy adult, she wishes she could wrap her arms around you and keep you safe in her care forever. These tips are going to help mom understand that you understand how great you think she is.

Tips for Teens Celebrating Mom on Mother's Day:

1. Write your mom a letter and list 25 things you love about her. She will most likely frame this and nothing will make her day feel more right.
2. Tell your mom you are taking her on a “Momcation.” A momcation is typically a getaway for mom. Since you don't see her as much, and when you are there you are talking on the phone or doing homework, planning to get away with “just her” will make her feel special. It doesn't have to be overnight or expensive. Her momcation could be lunch at the park (make sure you make it), a coffee talk, a walk to the grocery store (carry the groceries), or anything that gets you alone with mom where you are actively engaging with her.
3. Make her favorite dinner or brunch at home. Invite your dad and siblings too, or invite her best friend. Moms love showing off their thoughtful teen.
4. If you are the artistic type, sketch a picture, make a mug or a pot for plants. You could write her a song and then perform it for her. Moms watched and encouraged your interests while you were growing up. They delight in seeing “hints” of the past in what you are doing now.
5. This is the most difficult one, but maybe the most important. If you feel that you have been disengaged or moody as of late, talk to your mom and try to explain what has been going on. No one will ever forgive or welcome your confession more than mom.

No matter what you do with your mom (wizard) on Mother's Day, make sure you think of what she would like. No one has a mom like you, and what you decide may not be what Hallmark recommends, but it will be what she loves best! Have a wonderful day with your mom.

I was the sixth child to whom my mother gave birth. Her first words when she saw me were, “Each one gets sweeter.” It may have been the Oxytocin (the feel good hormone) but I don't think so. It couldn't have been the labor drugs affecting her thoughts, because she gave birth totally naturally to all nine of her children. I believe it was my mother's true feelings at the time. She looked at me as a blessing she had received from a Divine Creator who had given her a gift. My mother derived joy from watching children, especially her own, learn new concepts and ideas. She was a school teacher all of my childhood and most of my adult life, and although she taught me most of what matters to me now, I still have days when I just want her hug, and one more evening of sitting in her kitchen drinking coffee and talking to her about life. My mother is my concept of love. Her hug felt like no other hug I have ever received, and her frown or disappointment was enough to break my heart. I believe the most important lesson my mother ever taught me though was how to let go of someone you love so much and let life help you live again.

My mother gave birth to a son named Anthony when I was 11 months old. Anthony was an exact image of my dad, except he had golden curly hair (my father's was black). His birth meant my mother had three babies in diapers the summer Anthony arrived. She was exhausted, I am sure. Anthony grew as did I, and although I don't remember him there are photos of the two of us. On Christmas Eve, five months after Anthony was born, he developed a fever and was irritable. My parents had no money and seven kids, so they tried to do what they could to control the fever. It did not go away, and thus they took him to the doctor. The doctor gave him medication and sent my parents home thinking nothing out of the normal. I am sure he wanted to be with his family during the holidays. My parents gave Anthony the medication and celebrated Christmas morning as usual. I was only 16 months old at the time, so I cannot tell you what I remember from that day. The night after Christmas Anthony became very ill. He began seizing and my parents were frantic. We lived far away from the hospital and had no phone, so my mother ran across to our neighbors to call an ambulance. The ambulance came and they began CPR and drove fast, but Anthony died anyway. It is a grief that runs deep in my family and we all still celebrate Anthony's birthday. What is even more bizarre is that my mother gave birth to another son named Timothy on what would have been Anthony's first birthday.

I expected my mother to go through a deep depression, but she didn't. She told me she had no time for that. She had too many children, too much debt and my father needed her to be strong for all of us and for their marriage. I asked my mother if she resented that. Did she feel that she wasn't able to grieve it? She responded “NO.” She was grateful God had given her so many responsibilities to keep her from thinking about it. She explained to me that losing a child was the worst thing she had ever endured. She said when Anthony died she felt like she had too. But she didn't. She didn't die because she had faith that God would give her a way to get through this. I asked her what that was. What had God given her to get through? She said, ”The laundry, the dishes, dirty diapers, babies needing to be rocked, school work, and a husband who was grieving too, and so they hung on to each other.”

My mother never lived to see how my job progressed or what paths I chose to take. She knew I had become a psychotherapist, and when I would talk to her about some of the things people deal with in therapy she was always in awe. She was curious about why people spent so much time trying to heal themselves? Didn't they know when you have children you basically have to hang on tighter to keep the marriage healthy? What was it about becoming a parent they didn't understand? She couldn't understand why moms spent so much energy playing with their children when they were young, and then avoided all of the important issues regarding their health and sexuality as they grew older. Who did they expect would teach their children about sex and health? She was an advocate of parents, and she understood no one can ever teach your child about their body or their personal health as much as a loving mom or dad. My mother had a keen sense that what kept a child secure and helped promote their success as an adult was having a strong marriage and engaging the children in the family. Although she had nine children, she had sacred time for her and my dad scheduled into their daily activities. I don't ever remember not seeing them hug, and although I did witness them arguing, I also learned what it looked like for married people to “make up” and forgive. She wasn't trained in psychotherapy. She was a woman who left the Air Force and chose teaching as a career. She knew children from her teaching and from what she came home to every day of her life.

Watching her live as I grew up and learning more about her baby (my brother) dying, I learned that even though you love your children, you hang on to their father and your marriage. No one gets through parenting without grieving. Hopefully it isn't a child's death, but death of a close friend, your child's first heart break, that first bad report card, and numerous other disappointments. Grieving is easier if you don't have to do it alone. Mostly, she taught me that no matter what I ever did, it wouldn't be bad enough to be rejected by her. Mistakes were an opportunity to teach natural consequences. She got angry alright, but she forgave and let go. Her ability to let go helped her leave this earth when it was her time, and I doubt she ever looked back. Once again, she was following my dad.

A family was struck with a tragedy in Houston this past week. A mother who had been depressed for some time killed her two month old baby. The details are complicated and will have to be sorted out for the next two weeks, but the baby is dead and mom is in jail without bail. A family lost a son, grandson, and brother. Although it is not known exactly what type of depression the mother suffered after the birth of her baby (postpartum depression or postpartum depression and psychosis), she did murder her baby and was suffering for some time with depression.

Baby blues is very common and many women have this after a baby. The blues usually consists of being tired and overwhelmed, lack of sleep, and missing your old life. They come and go within a couple of days after the baby, and they are mild. Many women report feeling this and it is usually due to the changes in your lifestyle caused by a baby's presence. Both mom and dad can feel a bit blue, but it is usually more characteristic for mom, and completely normal.

When baby blues grows more intense or lasts longer than two weeks, we get more concerned with postpartum depression. Postpartum depression does not go away and you need to seek assistance. Your family doctor is a good place to start. A doctor may want to run several tests before referring you to a psychiatrist because many times illnesses may also be present with depression. A psychiatrist will then evaluate your symptoms and request information from you regarding your family history. Many times, when women get postpartum depression they come from a family that has depression or they personally have suffered from depression in the past. The symptoms for postpartum depression are as follows, and they have gone on for more than two weeks and have intensified:

1. Feeling restless or moody.
2. Feeling sad, hopeless, and over whelmed.
3. Crying a lot.
4. Having no energy or motivation.
5. Eating too much or too little.
6. Sleeping too little or too much.
7. Having trouble focusing or making decisions.
8. Feeling worthless or guilty.
9. Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy.
10. Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don't go away.
11. Having unrealistic feelings like you have to be perfect or you are failing.
12. Loss of who you were before the baby or beginning to feel less attractive.

Postpartum depression can be caused by many things after the birth of your baby. It may be brought on by the stress of caring for the new baby or dealing with money issues, a bad marriage, or simply anxiety about life. Hormonal changes after the pregnancy can trigger depression. Medical problems can cause postpartum depression. During the postpartum stage, women are vulnerable. It is a stressful time and although everyone is excited about the new life, it is difficult to be enthusiastic if you are lacking sleep, feeling stressed, or constantly in a state of anxiety. If you are concerned about the mother of your child or your friend who just had a baby, these are possible ways for you to help. Dads especially have a big responsibility during the postpartum time. If there are signs of depression, you are usually the first to know. If you are concerned, ask her if she is considering harming herself or the baby. She will not be offended and you will not put the idea in her head. You will give her a sense of relief that you understand how difficult this time is for her, and you are there to help her rather than judge her.

Ways to help the new mom if you are worried about her being depressed:

1. Make a doctor's appointment and go with her. Have someone babysit the baby so you can help tell the doctor what you are seeing. When women are depressed they become confused and may lose their memory. Having you there to discuss her condition with the doctor will help to reassure her and will provide a more complete history.
2. Help her to find time to sleep as much as possible. When a new mom doesn't get the sleep she needs, she becomes irritable and moody. We all need sleep to revitalize ourselves. It is impossible to care for a newborn if you cannot find the time to rest your own body.
3. If the doctor puts her on medication, make sure she is taking the right dosage. Lack of sleep and depression can lead to memory lapses and she may forget to take the medicine.
4. The best treatment for depression is medication and counseling. A counselor will add emotional support for her and help her make a plan to take care of herself as well as the baby. She may want you to attend counseling with her. This can be invaluable when dealing with postpartum depression.
5. Hire someone to care for the baby or ask a family member to help at least a couple of hours a day so your wife can get out of the house and meet with friends. Many women will not do this unless it is prescribed or set up. They feel guilty when taking time for themselves. Sharing with other moms how you are feeling is not only healing, it is necessary (one of the first symptoms of depression is social isolation).
6. Reassure your wife or friend that even if she is suffering from postpartum depression, she is still a good mom. Depression is a mental illness, it is not her fault. Tell her how much you respect that she was brave enough to go to the doctor and engage in counseling. These are both signs that she is putting the needs of her baby first by taking care of herself.
7. Lastly, if you believe your wife or friend is depressed and she will not get the care she needs, make sure the baby is safe with someone and take her to the emergency room or call 911. You may think it is over-reacting, but depression does kill and you cannot re-think your decision if she hurts herself or her baby.

Postpartum depression is real and it does happen. The best time to understand the symptoms and have a plan is before the birth of your child. Couples who talk about this prior to the birth of their baby are more comfortable talking and sharing if they feel depressed after the birth. Be proactive. If you are a new mom or soon to be mom, talk to your husband or partner now regarding baby blues and postpartum depression. The life you save may be yours or your baby.

I wanted to try something a little different, and have created a video blog entry.  I hope to do more of these soon! 

The topic of this video is Tips for Staying Together After Infidelity.

Men and women handle stress and depression differently (both take a greater toll on men as compared to women). The recession made 2009 a difficult year and it is looking bleak so far in 2010 for many Americans. Recent statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics might indicate as much. The BLS recently released statistics showing that men held 78 percent of jobs lost during the recession, and that women's wages have risen by 1.2 percent more than men's over the past two years.

These numbers have some calling the recent recession a "mancession," while others point out that these numbers could be interpreted in a variety of ways. For example, men may have lost more jobs because many of the jobs that have been cut were in the manufacturing and construction industries. And women's wages may have risen at a faster rate, but most women are still making less than the men doing the same jobs as them. For many men, being able to talk about their feelings of vulnerability or sadness is impossible. Women, on the other hand, are comfortable talking about the stress they feel. Women are "allowed" to cry and find comfort talking to other women about how they feel. Men relate more by being competitive and focused with each other. Very seldom will they tell a buddy how they feel. Because of that stigma, many men keep their emotions hidden, and as a result can't handle the recession stress quite as well as their female counterparts.

Women are used to doing most of the household chores. Along with that comes an understanding that life goes on. Sammy still needs money to buy Popsicles at lunch and Kim needs her uniform washed before practice in the morning. Men, on the other hand, because they generally aren't worrying about all of these other factors at home, can get bogged down in the negatives they have to deal with at work. Men are more defined by their careers, and when work isn't going well it is easier for many men to feel like they aren’t doing well. Their focus on their work leaves them unbalanced during times of job insecurity.

Women are more secure in their outside network than men. They have more clubs, groups, and associations in which to belong and network. Men have a tendency to spend less time with groups or networking. They go it alone more frequently than women, so when they are troubled or worried they are less apt to share with other men who could potentially help them with encouragement and advice.

Women have always been paid less for our work than men. There is strength in that during a recession. We understand that we may have to be more flexible or improvise. Women are resourceful because they have had to be (it wasn't that long ago when we couldn't even vote!). Men, due to their history of being the breadwinner, feel like failures if they have to step down, or take a less than deserved shift. Their ability to be flexible in the work place is not as developed as a woman's. Everyone knows an oak tree suffers more damage in a storm than a willow.

Men experience feelings of anger two times the rate as women when they lose their job. The emotion most likely to affect the heart, blood pressure, and overall health in a negative way is anger. Men are more likely to turn to violence when they are angry. Women, on the other hand, turn more frequently to crying, which is actually healthy for the body.Part of being married is watching your spouse and trying to encourage and help them when they are down. Below are signs and symptoms to pay attention to if you your spouse behaving this way more frequently.

Signs and symptoms of a spouse who is suffering from stress related job loss or job insecurity:

• Performing less well at work
• Unusually quiet, unable to talk about things
• Worrying about things more than usual
• More irritable than usual
• Complaining more about vague physical problems

Severe signs of stress and depression (take note especially if these have been going on for more than two weeks):

• Feeling sad or unhappy
• High levels of anxiety
• Low energy
• Difficulties concentrating
• Feeling worthless or hopeless
• Losing interest in activities or people
• Weight loss
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of sex drive
• Lapses in personal hygiene, such as not bathing or shaving as regularly
• Thoughts of suicide (call 911 when and if you ever feel this way)

As I write this, it is important to note that men are almost 3 times more likely to kill themselves than women. Suicide is most common amongst men who are separated, widowed, or divorced, and is more common with men who are heavy drinkers. Over the last few years, men have become more likely to kill themselves, particularly those between the ages of 16 and 24 years, and those between 39 and 54 years. No one knows why this is so, but it is very troubling. If you notice the man in your life becoming more and more despondent or withdrawn, and avoiding the things that used to bring him joy, it is time to consult a doctor. The recession will run its course, but stress and depression can end your life.

I watched Tiger Woods' apology about his treatment for sexual addiction on national television. Watched and listened along with millions of others to the words that are so frequently said when someone is in rehab. "I have ruined my life and it is my own fault. I need to ask your forgiveness, and I need to make amends for the pain I have caused you."

I run a food addiction group at Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas, and work with sexual addictions in my private practice. One thing I know for sure, an addiction is an addiction and it makes little difference what the drug of choice is. Lives are ruined with all addictions and anyone who loves the addicted person is hurt over and over again. The addict is on a slow spiral downward and cannot get well until they decide they have had enough.

What makes addictions so difficult to treat, whether they are food, sex or drugs, is the denial that keeps them in place. The addict cannot see clearly and they are no longer the person you loved, were married to, or birthed. They are addicted, and the drug has full control over their personality. They will steal, lie, cheat, and care nothing about what you think. They are totally self-absorbed toward getting the next fix. Forget it if you think you are helping them by covering for them when they are too depressed or hung over to go to work. If and when that happens, you have become part of the problem. When an overeater wants to celebrate at their favorite restaurant and you take them and eat with them, you are part of the addiction. When a friend wants to meet up with a date in a new town and you keep it a secret from everyone, knowing this friend has had many other lovers you are part of the addiction. Tiger's handlers who didn't hold him accountable and didn't stand up to him became enablers of his addiction. He may need to reconsider who he hires, and tell them up front that they need to be firm in what is acceptable and what is not.

The three teachings that Tiger already learned, and that I teach in the food addiction group, as well as with my sex addicted patients, are:

I am so proud and honored to do my weekly segments on Fox 26 Morning News. Our recent segment called, "Classmates with Cancer" has won  the esteemed Gracie Award in the Outstanding Talk Show - News category! Congratulations to Fox 26! I am so proud to be a part of this.

Click here to view the video "Classmates with Cancer."

It was a great honor for me to participate yesterday in an amazing discussion about near death experiences during my weekly hour on Fox 26 in Houston. 

In case you missed it, here are the links to the segments:

Dr. Jeffery Long

My Segment

Dr. Dominic Aquila (Catholic Theologian)