Today’s blog is different than others I have written, because I want to tell you about a very personal experience that changed me forever. First of all, it’s important that you understand that my field of study, as well as my practice in life, is about helping others change. It is difficult work, and what I have noticed is that most people really don’t change. If they do, they are inspired from an inner source or a fear of losing what they value most. I guess that what makes my story even more meaningful to me, is the way it has forever changed my life. I may look the same as I did, but the person I once was becomes more and more of a stranger to me in a very positive way.

I had a cerebral aneurysm that almost killed me with its burst in 2003. The details of the incident are not as significant as what happened to me and where I went during that crisis. I had a near death experience. Not only did I see the light; I went through to a more expansive lit room, so unexplainable in human terms that even the color is not describable here. My God, the GOD, the source of what I believe is all souls held me, called me by name, and told me I couldn’t stay. I thought of every human accolade I could possibly conjure up to change its mind, but it was certain that this was not my time. Its voice resonated through every sense of whatever being I had at that time, and asked me, “Let me ask you one question.” “Have you ever loved anyone the way you have been loved here?”

“NO,” I responded. “I am a human, it is impossible.” The voice stronger and more definitive said back to me, “You can do better.” I was back, hurting, loud noises, beeping, my husband shaking my arm, telling me he had to go through this legal document so I could have surgery. I saw him crying, doctors looking worried, nurses looking scared and intent on preparing me for something. I remember I told my husband, “Just do what you have to do, I am not going to die, and I just talked to God.” When I recalled telling him this after my brain surgery, he told me he thought I was hallucinating.  This was exactly what I would have said prior to this experience, as I too was skeptical of patients claiming the same thing.

My life has taken a whole new path. I am a writer, psychotherapist, TV expert, radio expert, in the news with current events, and aware. I am aware every day that this is not our real home. I am aware every hour that my body is only a shell. I am aware that the camera shows only my face and shell, but it cannot show my soul. Therefore, I struggle with the conflict of helping that soul tell the truth to so many people who think this is the real world. This task is arduous, and has taken my total commitment. I still sin, but when I do, I can no longer excuse it as saying I didn’t know for sure what it meant. I know  well what it meant, what it means, and that I am bigger and better than what I may have done out of insecurity or fear (where most of my sins and perhaps yours originate).

I am sharing parts of my story with ABC Nightline Wednesday night August 3, 2011. I am hoping my story will not be exploited and will help inspire you to think about your own life. What are your goals and visions for this life, what do you want to be known for, and what are you giving back to the next generation? We are all here a relatively short time, but you do have an essence or soul that goes outward when your shell/body dies. Perhaps seeking counsel (praying and/or meditating) from that source will bring you peace, understanding, and richness to your earthly life today. God is love, merciful, and all knowing. I look forward to being in his universal arms again, and if you experienced what I did, you would too. –Mary Jo Rapini

One of the questions that Bob Woodruff asked me for this special on ABC is how the science part of me deals with this spiritual experience? I told him this, “I believe science and spirituality actually work well together. I work in the medical center, science helps me with my job, and spirituality helps me help people understand and validate what they are thinking and feeling.  People may forget that atheism has nothing to do with science and is a metaphysical assertion and belief system no less than the claims of the very faithful.

TLC Network has a new show titled, "Toddlers and Tiaras." It covers girls, ages 4 to 8 years, who are participating in beauty pageants. Moms are pushing red bull (so their daughters stay thin), teeth whiteners (if they have teeth), hair dos that take two hours to complete and cost upwards from 75.00, and in some instances Botox (not sure where they are putting this because I have yet to see a child with wrinkles). The outfits make these girls look like dancers in a bar or grown up miniature women at a black tie event. It's insane.

When the "stage moms" are asked why they compete in pageants with their young children, they have a puzzled look upon their face. Smiling, they tell the camera that “their daughter loves it.” The child may love parts of it, but mom loves it more from the looks of the smile on her face. They interview the children on the show too, and some of the kids do seem to enjoy competing in the pageants, but those who say they love it are many times caught with a very sad look on their face when they aren't aware that the camera is pointed at them. The daily beauty routine that is done would exhaust most women I know including those who make their living in front of the camera. I cannot imagine how that could be good for any child, especially a child between the ages of four and eight.

Being a parent is very difficult. You have to make choices each day in the interest of your child's self esteem and development. There are pageants which teach leadership skills, how to speak in front of others, and help develop confidence. If enrolled when the child is at an appropriate age, I can understand how these could be beneficial. Competing for beauty, poise and charm seems like an oxymoron. How do we compete for beauty if all beauty is inside of us? We tell our children every day that it isn't how someone looks, but rather how they act that determines their beauty. How do we justify spending $10,000 to $100,000 each year on beauty competition for six year olds if this is true?

The overzealous moms in these beauty pageants get really enraged if their child isn't doing their best to look beautiful. This is perhaps the most damaging part to the child's self esteem. I have no idea how mom is going to rationalize the awkward stage her daughter will have to go through during puberty. Maybe she believes she can alter that with Botox, breast augmentations, and dietary substances, but that won't repair the fragile self esteem inside. Her daughter is already tainted by mom's excessive need for perfection. When you feel like you need to be perfect, you are more prone to depression, anxiety, eating disorders and other forms of self abuse.

Wanting your child to be successful in all areas is what most parents strive for. I do have suggestions for the top three ways to help your child become successful.

1. Be loving and supportive of your child's other parent. Make your marriage a priority.
2. Make sure you value education by taking classes yourself or modeling educated behavior for your child.
3. Treat people with respect and dignity in front of your child. Never let your child hear you degrade or curse out someone that you feel is inferior to you.
4. Develop a healthy lifestyle for yourself. If you let yourself go, then I don't care what medical alteration you do on your child, they will most likely sabotage it and do what you do.
5. If you want beauty for your child, work on becoming beautiful yourself. Your child follows what you do until the age of 12 years. At that time they separate from you by beginning to focus on friendships. After 18 they somehow begin turning back around and become what you were while you didn't think they were looking. Don't force your beauty hang-ups on your children. If you always wanted to be the winner of a pageant, your child may win, but the cost will be high for you.

Our children express the essence of their parents. Parents aren't perfect, so demanding perfection from a child, whether in a beauty contest or a sporting event, may win a trophy, but numb their soul.

June 17th is a big day for women in Saudi Arabia and in many other parts of the world. They are taking it to the streets. They are tired of being suppressed by men, and treated as if they aren't good enough, smart enough or capable. What has caused the big uprising is their inability to drive. Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world in which women are not allowed to drive a car or even ride a bicycle despite most Muslim scholars agreeing that there is nothing in Islamic teachings against women driving. Women are forbidden to ride public buses in most of the country, and where it is permitted, they must sit in the back. With no public transportation system, getting to work, school and medical appointments is complicated, expensive and dangerous for Saudi women. The dependence of Saudi women on men for transportation is repeatedly exploited by abusive fathers, brothers, husbands and hired drivers, and earlier this week a Saudi woman reported she had been raped at gunpoint by her hired driver.

Saudi women can't vote, have no property rights and make up five percent of the Saudi workforce; the lowest percentage on earth. Women cannot enter Saudi banks without their husbands, nor can they set up an individual account without their husband's permission. The vast majority of Saudi institutions are segregated by sex, often with unequal access for men and women. When in public, Saudi women and girls must wear the hijab, a traditional Muslim head covering for women, and an abaya, a full black cloak. Analysts have likened the state of women's rights in the kingdom to a kind of 'gender apartheid' with unequal access to jobs, property, education, legal rights and the freedom of movement.

The women have banded together to form an impressive list of supporters for their rights. One of the powerful leaders they are hoping can help is Hillary Clinton. Thus far more than 10,000 people from the United States have endorsed an open letter. They have gained support from over 156 countries thus far. Social networks as well as women's instinctive abilities to connect are in large part the reason women have been able to come as far as they have with this movement. They understand that it is much more difficult to suppress masses of women than one or two who speak out against what is happening. The inequality has led to three major problems that we see everywhere in the world when there is abuse against women.

1. Pediatricians see more abuse with children and the mother of the child.
2. There is more sexual crime against women (rape and domestic violence is not about sex, and it is about power and anger) when you believe you own someone you can treat them as you wish, and usually that does not involve compassion or empathy.
3. Women are uneducated. Countries who suppress a gender or race understand the greatest threat to their way of life is education. The great thing about these Saudi Arabian women is they knew that, and secretly educated themselves. There is no stopping an educated woman, gender or race from achieving what they desire.

I cannot imagine living in a country where I was unable to drive or have the same equal rights as my husband, even though it wasn't that long ago that women and blacks did not have equal rights in the U.S. Many people still complain that our human rights are not equal and that is a debate that goes on and on from time to time. In my experience with working in counseling, I have seen one true and hard fact. The people who need to suppress are also the ones who feel the weakest and have the most to lose. The people with the largest ropes pulling us back are the ones who are comfortable in the hole and fear most the light. 

Point to mention: It seems when a group has been suppressed, they use their anger as a catalyst to help them achieve equality. What will destroy the gender or race is if they seek to punish or seek revenge for their suppression. The key is to achieve equality as well as practice forgiveness. Otherwise one's drive which helped them achieve freedom kills them with hate.

We have all gone through a lengthy recession. Business is beginning to pick up, more people are working, but we aren't out of the woods yet. Couples continue struggling with the financial stressors-higher food costs, higher gas prices, and dual incomes becoming single household incomes with unemployment. Forbes Woman and the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) surveyed 2,019 adults from December 17th through December 21st of 2010 and found big money crimes among marriages. The leading money crimes were hiding cash, as well as minor purchases and bills. A significant number of people admitted to hiding major purchases and keeping a secret bank account. There was also lying about debt and earnings. One in three Americans (31%) said they had been deceived (cheated on) by their partner in regards to money. Also consider those that cheat with a lover. There are numerous ways to cheat involving internet chatting, texting, emotional affairs, and physical affairs, and the statistics I have seen reported in most of my marital journals is 41%. That's a lot of cheating going on with love and money. Would you rather be cheated on with love or money? Both are bad; most of us would choose neither, but when it happens to you, you aren't given a choice.

If you are cheated on with love, it is easier to get out of the marriage or leave your partner than if they cheated on you with money. With money you may be far in debt by the time you are aware that something is going on, and you own half of the debt if you are married to your partner. It is easier to catch a lying spouse who has a lover than it is to catch one who has a secret bank account where they are stashing your money. What are warning signs that your spouse is lying about money to you?

According to Ted Massaro of M Financial Planning Service, there are three main ways you will know if your spouse is cheating with their wallet:

1. When your partner is doing something they don't want you to see, they hide it and freak out if it looks like you may catch them. If you have always opened or picked up your partner's mail in the past and all of a sudden they are scrambling to prevent that from happening, be suspicious.
2. If, all of a sudden, your partner doesn't show you their pay stub, be suspicious. They may have taken a pay cut or gotten a pay raise without telling you. If they are getting paid more, they can save the extra in an account you don't know about. If they have taken a cut you may be spending the same, not knowing your partner is not making the same amount of money. The debt could be adding up all without you knowing.
3. Lastly, if your partner is resisting sharing passwords and financial accounts, be suspicious. Most likely, there is something they are hiding.

Massaro also offers advice on what to do if you anticipate financial cheating going on. The first rule is to take it seriously. This is not a time to worry about hurting feelings. Being in debt is not an issue that will go away. It must be dealt with in a timely manner.

1. Insist that you both check your credit reports and share them openly with each other.
2. After you find the problem, it may be wise to hire a coach or mediator. Marital counseling may help at this time because financial cheating happens just like physical/emotional cheating; someone is not honest with themselves or their partner. That does not happen in a marriage that is healthy and transparent.
3. Set a rule from this point onward that all financial information, statements and passwords will be shared. That includes separate accounts and individual credit cards.
4. Take your time looking at tax returns and if money is missing, don't dismiss it. Talk to your partner directly.
5. Having a monthly discussion about money on a planned night is always a wise decision. That keeps your money growing, and it also sets a vision for the marriage. Having a goal to work toward, whether it is a trip to Italy or building your dream home helps bond the marriage and also fosters unity in the marriage.

The best way not to be a victim of cheating financially, physically, or emotionally is to prevent it from ever happening. Monthly money talks prevent financial cheating if they are done jointly, openly and with a goal in mind that interests both parties. One-sided money talks are called lectures and usually the person who delivers them is the one cheating.

Depression is a very common emotion. We all become depressed from time to time. Luckily, it does not last long for most of us. However, couples who deal with chronic depression are not so fortunate. Chronic depression returns consistently and, while it is rarely a cause for divorce, it is the cause of other symptoms couples complain about. Depression is often the cause for withdrawal, seeking an affair, physical abuse, emotional abuse and verbal abuse. Couples react to the symptoms of depression rather than confronting the real problem: depression.

Communication within the relationship is often harmed the most by depression. When one of the partners is depressed, they go deep inside themselves and don't think about how their partner feels. They don't do it on purpose; depression is all consuming. You cannot think of anyone and usually aren't thinking about yourself either. It is insidious because often you don't know you are depressed until the depression begins lifting and you can see colors again and feel hope. The partner of the depressed person has a huge role in helping. However, if you have ever lived with a depressed person, you understand how difficult that can be. Many times, your depressed partner wants to be left alone. They don't talk or interact with the family. They may drink, smoke or eat, and you begin feeling like you are in a relationship with yourself. Many times you are in a relationship with yourself because your depressed partner cannot join you emotionally, verbally or physically. It becomes difficult to feel desire for someone you have to take care of emotionally or physically for extended periods of time.

There are coping mechanisms that may help you when your partner is depressed. Reacting to your partner's chronic depression by seeking someone outside the relationship will not only make your depressed partner more depressed, but it will add to the stress you already feel living with a depressed partner.

1. The first place to begin is with a medical check-up. You may have to help your depressed spouse make the appointment and follow through. There are many reasons for depression including hormones, diabetes, hypertension, cancer and psychology. It is important to know the source of the depression prior to medication or other helpful therapies. Don't be afraid to be part of the discussion with your partner and their doctor. Educating yourself will help you understand how best to help your partner.
2. A support group is so helpful to someone struggling with depression. Not only does it make the person realize they are not alone, but it also adds an element of social interaction which is usually lost when someone becomes depressed. Online support groups work well for people who are home bound as well as their partner. This is a wonderful way to get counseling in an affordable, comfortable setting. This is a good website to start the search.
3. http://depression.about.com/cs/chat/a/onlinesupport.htm
4. One reason couples fall apart when depression afflicts one of the partners is due to lack of support for the care giving partner. This is not a time to be aloof or a warrior. When you are married to someone with depression, you need more family and friends to help support you. If your partner is not willing to go to dinner, church, a sporting event, the theater, or your children's school event, make it a plan to go with friends or family. Reaching out to others will not only help you care for your depressed partner, but it could help save your sanity. Most chronic depression is manageable with medication, so when your partner begins to see the light, they will be grateful you cared for yourself and your family in their absence.
5. Make sure you talk to your children about what mom or dad is suffering from. When kids understand a situation, they usually try to help make it better. Telling them will not make it worse;. Most kids are much more intuitive than adults credit them with.
6. Remind yourself and your kids that your partner is ill. Depression many times is seen as something you can talk yourself out of. Mild depression is a matter of making yourself follow though and changing your attitude, but severe depression is not. The only solution to severe depression is medication and counseling. These two methods work the best for alleviating depression and restoring one's emotional health.

More than 30,000 Americans kill themselves each year (LiveStrong.com). Depression is the cause of the majority of suicides. It is an illness, and one that is curable. Depression also causes the suicide of a marriage. It doesn't have to. In order for it not to, the partner has to be aware that their partner is suffering from depression. The single most significant way a partner can help a depressed partner is to reassure them that they are a team, that they have tackled most things together and will tackle depression together too!

There are recent reports concerning whether teen Facebook users experience an increase in depression. Researchers disagree whether this is a new type of depression or an extension of existing forms of depression. Teens with low self esteem, school stress and family stress are vulnerable to depressions. The number of friends they have on Facebook, their status as well as the status of their friends, and the constantly updated photos may add to a teen feeling self critical and not 'popular' enough. It can also add to feeling ostracized, bullied, or teased.

Social networks help teens feel more connected. Social networks have become the place teens “hang out.” However, if that teen does not feel like they measure up to other teens, it can become a world of loneliness and a constant reminder of perceived shortcomings. In extreme cases, suicide notes have been posted on Facebook, which demonstrate the powerful connection teens feel toward their virtual and real friends. Social networks offer teens a skewed view of the real world, and they don't have the brain development to understand this is not the real world.

If the teen's family is not engaged with the teen, the social network takes on a much more potent place in the teen's world. In fact, it may become the child's world. Pediatricians are now encouraging parents to talk with their kids about being online, and how to recognize depression caused by social media, cyberbullying, sexting and other online risks.

Below are ten signs your teen may be depressed:

1. Loss of interest in activities, hobbies and other things they used to be very interested in.
2. More isolated-never see them with their friends anymore.
3. Sleeping all the time or up in the middle of the night because they cannot sleep.
4. A loss or increase in appetite.
5. Notable weight loss or gain.
6. Lethargic or flat mood.
7. More irritable or easily frustrated.
8. A downward trend in grades.
9. Not wanting to go to school.
10. Weepy, labile moods.

If you see any of these signs with your teen and they last more than two weeks, it is time to talk to your teen and make an appointment with your pediatrician for an evaluation of depression. Depression is insidious and many times teens won't know they are depressed until the depression lifts. Depression can kill, but it is also curable.

Below are signs your child may be the victim of cyberbullying. Please note, many of these signs mimic signs of depression. Parents should intervene right away when they see the following signs. Waiting two weeks may be too long.

1. Hesitant to be online; nervous when an instant message, text message or e-mail appears
2. Visibly upset after using the computer or cell phone, or suddenly avoids it
3. Hides or clears the computer screen, or closes their cellphone when you enter the room
4. Spends unusual and/or longer hours online in a more tense pensive tone
5. Withdraws from friends, falls behind in schoolwork or wants to avoid school
6. Suddenly sullen, evasive, or withdrawn in personality or behavior
7. Trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, excessively moody or crying
8. Suspicious phone calls, e-mails and packages arrives at your home
9. Possible drop in academic performance

As parents, sometimes we need subtle ways to talk to our kids about social media. It is important to keep the lines of communication open and talk often to our kids about the dangers and the benefits of social media and other electronic communication.

If you are concerned in regards to talking to your child about the social media sites, sexting, and/or cyberbullying, here are some simple conversation starters from TrueCare.net. True Care is a social media monitoring service for parents, which I am an advisor for. Hopefully, these questions and conversation starters will help you transform a quick after school chat into an in-depth discussion about stress, popularity, depression and social media.

1. Has anyone ever emailed or posted something on Facebook that made you uncomfortable?
2. Do kids at your school ever talk about sending sexy photos to each other? Do you know anyone that does it? Why do you think they do it?
3. Have you heard about anyone who has been bullied online? What happened to them?
4. Has anyone you know gotten in trouble for being a bully online? What happened to them?
5. Did you hear about that girl who committed suicide because she was bullied online? Why do you think she did that? Do you think she turned to anyone for help?
6. What advice would you give a friend who told you they were being bullied online?

It's a new world out there for parents as much as children. Get involved. Talk to your kids. Visit the sights they are visiting. Let them know you are there when they need you. The teen years are a relatively short amount of time, but decisions made during this time can change both you and your child's life forever. Help your child make healthy choices .

No matter where I go, I am hearing the same thing. People are feeling the effects of the disasters in the world. It seemed we all had a sense of relief when Egypt was able to band together and their leader stepped down. That relief didn't last long before Japan was devastated. Every night in our homes we think of the people, the country, and the disaster. Our children may be having bad dreams, but we are not sleeping enough to have a bad dream. The bad news is close to home, too. Wisconsin Democrats leave the state to avoid a vote, gas prices continue to soar, and our schools are lying off teachers. It wasn't long ago these issues would bring couples into my office who were too stressed and anxious to have sex. Now they are coming in because they are too stressed to sleep, and they cannot function during the day. They are eating more, smoking more, drinking more and watching more porn to escape.

Not sleeping is a health risk for all of us. Insomnia changes our body's heart rate, blood pressure, cognitive capabilities, weight, bowel habits, and energy levels. It also causes anxiety and depression which may manifest with a shorter temper, moodiness, irritability, fighting, broken marriages, child abuse, and withdrawal. It isn't unusual for me to see couples who haven't had sex in months, with their primary reason as fatigue. Not having sex in a marriage isn't healthy for the marriage either. That loss of connection makes each partner feel isolated. It is more difficult to handle the stress of no sleep if you feel disconnected and alone.

The worst thing you can tell an insomniac is to sleep more. In fact, much of their anxiety that keeps them up at night is due to the fact that they know they should be sleeping. A panic begins to set in when they have gone for days without sleep, which continues to build when those days turn into weeks. I do have suggestions that may increase the likelihood that you will close your eyes tonight and wake up to realize you slept so well you had a dream. I cannot promise the dream will be good.

1. The first thing you must do is go to your medical doctor. This is important because many sleep disturbances begin with medical issues. You may find you suffer from diabetes, sleep apnea, mental illnesses, neurological problems, night sweats, or asthma. All of these medical problems are treatable, and you may be sleeping well within a week of treatment.
2. You are overloaded with information if you cannot sleep. Shut off the TV and computers one hour prior to going to bed. You don't need to see the news at night. You can watch it in the morning before work.
3. Have a specific bedtime for your children, so you won't be exhausted or frustrated prior to going to bed.
4. It is true, a glass of warm milk really helps prior to going to bed. Adding chocolate to that milk may make it go down easier.
5. Have your partner give you a relaxing massage prior to bed. If that isn't possible, consider a warm bath. Smells, such as lavender, really help.
6. Find a CD that you find hypnotic. Yoga CDs work like a charm. They have a monotone rhythm and are mostly humming syllables. This puts you into a “sleep zone.”
7. Reading a calming book or writing in your gratitude journal prior to going to bed will help get the “junk” out of your head.
8. What you wear to bed is very important. Wear something that won't pull (nightgowns are noted for pulling) and is soft.
9. Set the thermostat for no warmer than 71 degrees. You may be concerned with the cooling or heating bill, but you will save money on medical bills if you sleep well.
10. If you wake up at night, gently remind yourself that it is okay, and your body will fall asleep when it is meant to. It is also wise to repeat a mantra or prayer before going back to sleep. “Let go, let God” works nicely.

Having sex at night is a wonderful way to go to sleep. However, if you are tired from lack of sleep, having sex will put additional pressure on you. The resentment of feeling pressured may begin to thwart you from having sex with your partner during other times. It may be wiser to touch your partner and tell them you want to connect to them, but also want to enjoy the connection when you do. An understanding partner will do their best to help you sleep better and enjoy sex when you are rested. Now it's time to go to sleep.

“Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some.
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon”
~Tom Petty “Refugee”

Most of us get into moods where we are unhappy. Feelings of discontent, anxiety and frustration are universal. What happens if those moods don't go away and we are referred to as “unhappy people?” Many of my patients suffer from this. They aren't clinically depressed and medications won't make them happier. They come in telling me they are unhappy and haven't felt happy for many, many years. Many times, they changed partners in hopes of becoming happier. When you are unhappy, you usually look outward and project the blame on someone other than yourself.

There is a common factor among unhappy people; they do not live in the present. They live and hear tapes from the past that continue to make them unhappy. If you tell them, “You are an adult now. You can make different choices,” or if you remind them, “That is all in the past. Let go,” they look at you like you haven't heard them. They suspect and many times will say, “You don't get it. This is my life.” It is true…you don't get it. You cannot hear the same tapes they hear. You cannot imagine living under the constant barrage of thoughts they live under. You cannot understand it because you are living in the present and their situation looks simple. If they just let go, it would be okay.

The difficult part of letting go is to trust that you don't need the old tapes, excuses, pain and misery anymore. It may sound odd that anyone would want to keep that stuff around to remind them. Many people not only need it, they cannot live without remembering the past. It gives them an excuse not to attempt something new that may frighten them or that they may fail at. It becomes their “badge of honor.” Their pain from the past becomes part of their identity.

Living in the past not only makes you a sad person, but it contributes to your loneliness. The only people that understand are those who were part of your past. Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, and childhood friends become your circle of supporters. New friends and family cannot relate. They don't want to be dragged back to your past, so they usually let go once they realize you need to stay there. You become isolated by new births, deaths, marriages, divorces, and life. One morning you wake up, look in the mirror and wonder what has happened to you. How did you get to this stage in life and manage to be all alone and blue? There are steps you can take to turn things around, but it's going to be scary. Small steps you take today will make a great change for you tomorrow.

1. Begin getting those old tapes out of your head and onto paper. Once you have them all out and on paper, burn them. This is a symbolic way for you to help let them go. You can take several days to write them out, but make sure you get them all.
2. Many of my clients have felt better changing their name or adopting a nickname. This helps them see themselves as different from their past.
3. Begin reading the world news. This will help you get out of yourself and catch up with what was happening while you were living in the past.
4. Take up a new activity. Try something you have never done before. If you grew up with baseball, try yoga.
5. Make a peace with your past. Tell whoever hurt you how you feel about what happened. If the people who hurt you are dead, write a letter telling them what their action did to you. Forgive yourself too. Sometimes, when adults hurt children, they tell them that they were asking for it or something else which incriminates them. If you were a child, you thought like a child, and if a parent or relative did something hurtful to you, it wasn't your fault.
6. Keep a gratitude journal. Before you go to bed at night write down at least one person or thing you are grateful for. By doing this, you are instilling hope into your thoughts. If you can generalize this one thing to five a night, you will begin thinking in a way that will draw people to you, rather than repel them.

Living in the present is the surest way to be happy. So many things happen to all of us within each hour of our life that have the power to make us joyful if we stay open and aware. However, if you were raised in a home where each hour only brought pain and misery, then you begin to look for and anticipate more unhappiness. Knowing what to expect helps the abused survive. When you leave that situation, it is important to leave that pain behind. To carry it with you becomes a heavy burden, not only for you, but for anyone who wants to love you.

Around this time last year I was asked to comment on an HLN story that took place in the Midwest. The story was about a hook up gone wrong when a man met a woman at a party and fell for her. They didn't know each other, but they both knew the host. They were both drinking and seemed to engage with each other very well. When the party began breaking up and people were leaving, the woman asked the man if he wanted to go home with her. The details of this part were a bit fuzzy. I am not sure if he didn't have a car or what had happened. The woman had a history. Apparently, she hated men due to a previous relationship that had just ended. It is not known if her date knew, but it is assumed, most likely, he didn't or he wouldn't have gotten into her car. It was cold in February, and halfway home on a desolate road she pulled a gun out of her glove compartment. She aimed the gun at him and told him to take his clothes off. He was drunk and scared and did as he was told. She then ordered him out of the car (it was less than 20 degrees). The guy tried to argue with her, but she had the gun. He was found around 4 a.m. by another person who saw a naked man wandering aimlessly off the road. This guy suffered severe hypothermia, frostbite, and psychologically.

We hear frequently about people who have gone out on a date and drank more than they should have. It is never wise to mix drinking with dating. For one thing, even if you are normally a debonair, soulful, or eloquent person, you cannot pull that off when you are drunk. When someone is drunk they appear sloppy, unintelligible and repulsive, no matter how good they look in the light of day. People who do not have your best interest at heart are alert to when someone is drinking, and they know when it is an opportune time to take advantage. When you are drinking, all of the things you usually pay attention to with getting to know someone are clouded by your inability to concentrate and focus. When you begin drinking with a date, you basically are putting your life in the hands of someone else. If the gentleman I referred to above had been sober, he would have been able to see how this woman was out to punish all men. He would most likely have stayed away from her. When he pursued pressing charges, he had no recollection of what she looked like. When he met her sober, he reported that he had no idea what attracted him to her.

If you find yourself at an event with someone new and alcohol is part of the venue, make a plan prior to drinking.

1. If you want to enjoy a drink with someone new, limit yourself to only one, if at all.
2. Know in advance one person you can call who will come and get you in the event you begin feeling out of sorts.
3. Don't ever get in the car of someone you don't know if you have been drinking. You are not thinking clearly at this point, and I have seen numerous bad outcomes from this one mistake.
4. If you are dating someone who gets drunk all of the time and always seems fun, know this up front. You are dating someone you don't know. You know this person under the influence of alcohol. Part of the difficult treatment of alcoholism is people miss the drunk. The sober person may not be fun at all and may suffer from a depression that was medicated by alcohol.
5. Dating is fun, and you learn so much about yourself. The goal of dating is finding someone you share interests with and enjoying each other's company. You deserve someone who finds joy in being with you as you do them. A drinker doesn't find joy in the relationship. They find it in their drink.

Enjoy your single time, dating, and the company of others. This is a poignant time, and one that is looked back on with fond memories. When drinking is part of the mix, the memories may change from fond to heartbreaking. Many times, you cannot “undo” the mistakes made while drinking on a date. Before you give anyone your heart or body, make sure they are sober and deserving of your affection.

I read a disturbing article in several newspapers, and I am hearing about it from other Psychotherapists, Psychologists and Pediatricians. Our girls are acting out, filming it and putting it up on You Tube. Oh yes, and it is getting a lot of attention. The girls are punching, hitting, cursing, pinching, and slapping each other to the ground. The crowd is cheering them on. The crowd is mostly made up with teens, but there are also adults. The health care community understands these girls come from homes where they feel neglected, isolated, abused, and the treatment they receive in these brawls is most likely not any worse than what they receive at home. According to a probation officer in Beaumont, Texas (Lashea Sowell) parents are being urged to monitor their children's online postings since these brawls have become an epidemic of sorts. Sowell also went on to say the fights are the girls' way of getting someone to notice and love them, and they don't care if it's positive or negative.

What are we doing to our girls? Clothing companies making padded bras for eight year olds, parents buying girls shirts that expose their midriff, and allowing their girls to address them with abusive language. Do parents listen when schools are saying the majority of the classroom time is used to deal with children who haven't been parented? Do parents understand that society is trying to sexualize our youth (especially our girls)? We all grew up with “bad TV,” but neither I nor anyone I know grew up with shows like MTV's "Skins." A British writer-producer, Bryan Elsley who is 49 years of age and his son Jamie Brittain who is 25, are the masterminds behind this show depicting sex as a mechanical activity. As Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, Director of the Institute for Sex Therapy notes, the attitude in the show equates sex with skateboarding. The sex is casual and never once addresses the emotional aspect of sex, nor the consequences of hurting someone, or being hurt with sex. Parents don't want to talk to their children about sex, or aren't comfortable talking about it, so the kids turn to TV and media on the Internet to learn. Our kids are learning, but they are not learning intimacy, bonding or responsibility. Kids are turning to “virtual friends” to talk over issues that they aren't comfortable talking to parents about. These issues range from suicide to bullying. Children no longer feel safe in their home and many of them are not. We have gone from a generation of parents trying to be their child's friend, to a generation of parents who are unaware of what their children are being exposed to in their own home, while the parents are working or sleeping. This issue is not going to go away unless parents change the way they are parenting.

According to True Care, a provider of Internet monitoring for parents, the word “HATE” was the word that generated the most parental alerts. This word became powerful after several bullying incidences as well as suicides. There were other words that the monitoring system alerted parents in regards to. Mostly due to the consequences of teens acting out after these words were written. Below are the top 22 internet alert words identified by a notable monitoring company.

1. HATE (bullying/racism)
2. PARTY (alcohol/drugs)
3. STUPID (bullying)
4. UGLY (bullying)
5. X (alcohol/drugs)
6. DAMN (bullying)
7. KILL (bullying/racism)
8. FIRE (drugs)
9. A** (bullying/racism)
10. TREES (drugs)
11. SH*T (drugs/bullying/racism)
12. BUSTED (drugs)
13. FREAK (bullying)
14. POSER (bullying)
15. DRINK (alcohol/drugs)
16. ICE (drugs)
17. LOVE (sex)
18. BITCH (bullying)
19. LOSER (bullying)
20. MONKEY (sex/bullying)
21. HOMO (bullying)
22. SEX (sex)

It is sad to think we live in a time where you need to have your child's computer, phone, Twitter account and social network page monitored. Sadder to imagine something happened to your child because you didn't have them monitored, and you weren't aware of what was going on in their life. The best approach is talking and engaging with your teen or tween. Not once a week, but every day. Ask them to share their passwords with you, as well as show you the sites they visit. Talk to your kids about sex. The best sex educator is you. Don't leave it to shows like MTV's “Skins” to teach your child what sex is. When you watch a movie or listen to song lyrics with your child, begin a dialogue by asking them what they think or feel about it. Then listen to them when they tell you. I don't remember a time when I have known so many great kids. They are our future and our hope. Keep them safe, keep them engaged in your family, let them know that they are essential to the world becoming a better place.