According to a recent report by the World Economic Forum, poor job security, increased workload, and a lingering recession are leading causes of job burnout and stress. All of us have suffered job burnout from time to time, but the conditions are more severe and widespread now. There is a deeper sense of exhaustion, cynicism and despondency. Most of us have witnessed friends and co-workers losing their jobs, being surprised at work with a pink slip, or even being escorted off company premises. It has left many with the feeling of being betrayed and used.

Witnessing friends and family members losing their jobs is as difficult as losing your own, and this anxiety does not go away. It is stored and often turns to anger, road rage, guilt, irritability at home, frustration with your relationships and depression. None of us can escape the recession; it is worldwide. Each and every day, we hear about the deadlines for our government, our incredible debt, Greece’s problems and the starving children all over the world. Due to the human ability to socially connect, many of these people become our family or friends, and we can no longer deny that we are in this worldwide recession together.

Since the recession will continue taking its toll, we must all focus on how we can take care of ourselves and our families so the additional stress and work load doesn’t compromise our health. Using cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, retail therapy, porn, and food to make us feel better may provide temporary relief, but it will only add to our health problems five years down the road. Better options are meditation, prayer and exercise. If it were possible to put meditation, prayer and exercise into a capsule, we would be the healthiest nation on earth. Everyone knows how to exercise, but books and magazines are bought by millions of people who really just need to open the door and take a walk. People know how to pray, but it is usually done when the person is desperate and has limited options.  Brain scans have shown an increase in healthy brain activity when people pray or meditate. The heart rate lowers, blood pressure falls, and respirations become deeper and slower. With prayer and meditation, you need to learn to be still, but we have such a tough time learning that it is okay to sit still and be quiet.

The best thing you can do for your health that will give you more energy is to learn to pray and/or meditate. It takes only five minutes each day, and you can practice it anywhere. Get the whole family involved as it is a wonderful gift to teach your children. Here is a very simple guide to help you with your five minutes:

1.     Schedule it into your day during a time where you are least likely to be interrupted. Early morning works well for many.

2.     Set your timer for five minutes. From that point, don’t think about time.

3.     Sit in a comfortable position and focus only on your breath. If a thought interrupts, it is okay, just let it pass. Do not act on the thought, rather observe the thought. 

4.     In the beginning, it is best to have silence with no music in the background. If you cannot do that then nature sounds are best.

5.     Don’t expect anything to change immediately. It takes a while for your brain to realize this is your five minutes, and you will protect it. Changes begin to happen after 30 days of consistent practice.

Many schools are teaching meditation for children. The schools realized that small children have many stressors today that we didn’t have growing up. Teaching meditation to young children has been reported to lessen bullying behaviors. Relationships and marriages also improve with meditation.  It is in the stillness that we heal our body, minds, and souls.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin

I believe people can change. It isn't easy, and most of us don't want to, but we can. To change is difficult work, and many times it happens only when we are faced with dire consequences. People come to therapy to change. Many times they think they are coming to change someone else or get validated for why they feel the way they do. Those are all good reasons to seek therapy, but the bottom line is, if you go to therapy and stick with it, you will change. Sometimes people become afraid of the change, and they drop out of therapy. These people are the ones who may say it wasn't helping them to go to therapy. It may not have because the patient/therapist relationship many times determines how helpful the therapy will be. Usually, though, the underlying factor is whether the patient is ready to look at themselves honestly and make changes that will help them feel better about their situation and themselves.

The word that most signifies resistance to making changes is BUT. When I hear a “but” in our session, I make note of it. I can tell where the walls are by listening for this word. Many people use this word as a way of staying stuck. There is safety in staying stuck; you know your own rut best. It may be a rut and you may want out, but the scary part is you cannot gauge what is outside your rut. After all, self created ruts are safer than ruts made for you, BUT to admit you are in a rut you created is very difficult to hear.

A professor of mine once told me that we all live in a rut. He likened it to a distorted reality. We all make our own world, and we begin to believe it. This thought comforts me, and I think it has a lot of truth, except that humans are incredible and, once they see or have insight into the fact that there could be a better way, they will usually strive for it. For example, if a woman is told all of her life that she is ugly, she will believe it, staying in a rut created by her family. Then someone special comes along and tells her, “You aren't ugly, you are beautiful.” She sees a light in her rut, and she will strive to climb up and take a step. It won't be easy, but she will eventually take the step out. As she comes out of her rut, she will be expected to act like the confident, attractive person she was told she was. At this point, she can either accept the challenge or say, “But I can't. I am ugly.” If she goes back to this thinking, the rut begins pulling her back in. Unless she hangs on to something stronger than the pull of the rut, she will slide back in. The strongest thing to hold onto is her own self worth, but what if that was taken from her at a time she was too vulnerable to fight for it? If she has no or little self worth, the rut becomes attractive again. Known pain is more comfortable than ambiguity of not knowing and anticipating pain.

One of my patients was in a rut that was so deep it took hours of emotional energy every day to cover it up. His rut was so shameful that for him to admit it may have meant his life. His defending it was his only solution to preserve himself. His rut was a porn addiction. So intense was his addiction that it began taking hours of his time. Soon he didn't recognize his children, his wife, or himself. He told me when he was able to close his eyes, no sleep would come. The guy was one of the most miserable people I ever met. It took years for him to work out of his rut, but he did. I asked him years after I first met him, what motivated his change. He told me that his life became worse than what he had ever envisioned hell would be. That even hell would be better than the rut he had created. There were many “buts” in our first sessions, but as the sessions grew the “buts” became less and less. His taking ownership of his creation was the ladder that helped him climb out of his rut.

I have 3 tips that will help you plan your way out of your current rut. These should be done prior to seeking therapy:

1. Identify the rut you are in, who is responsible, and what you may lose if you dig out.
2. Write down every reason you think you should stay in your rut. Many times what sabotages people in getting out, is they weren't honest about what staying in the rut was protecting them from.
3. What do you expect will happen in the next year if you don't change your circumstance? Is the rut more painful than your image of what is outside of the rut? If you choose therapy, remember you are making a choice to change.

Although we may all create our life to a certain degree, many things happen to us that we have no control over. You do have control over how you react to what you have been given. Whether you react by staying stuck in the rut or climbing out is determined by your ability to avoid the word “but” and just make the change, one step out at a time.

I work with people who have struggled with morbid obesity most of their lives. Many of these people have never gone to a prom or a homecoming dance. When I talk with them, they have memories of not joining clubs, not being chosen for class activities and feeling criticized by their family and peers. It is no wonder that they struggle with dating as they lose the weight. They are unsure of themselves, and although many of them have had success in careers, dating scares them to death.

I begin helping these patients build their own sense of self. When you have struggled with obesity, this can be an arduous task. Our society is prejudiced with obese people and, for the most part, they get labeled with being lazy, lacking will power, and not being smart enough. Building up their confidence correlates with watching their bodies transform as they lose weight. Many of the people who get weight loss surgery lose weight so quickly that they are stuck in the “obese mindset” even though their body is normal weight. It can be years before their head catches up to their “new” thinner body. Teaching charisma to people is one way they can build confidence and feel more secure on the dating scene.

Charisma is something anyone can learn, and it exudes a confidence that makes people walk toward you rather than away. It is about being able to relax in your own skin and feel comfortable with being you. You can achieve charisma by being brought into the world by loving parents and having a receptive, supportive extended family. Many people don't have that. If you struggle with obesity throughout your life, it is likely society has not embraced you. If you feel ready to date, but aren't comfortable with a person focusing on you, then these quick tips may help. Building charisma not only helps you with dating, but it may help you get your dream job too.

Quick tips for building charisma:

1. Relax. People are drawn to others who manage to be calm in their surroundings, as well as their own body. When we are around anxious people, we often find ourselves getting more anxious. On a date or at an interview, remember to take your time answering questions and focus on listening to the other person.
2. Focus on thinking of yourself as a “peer.” Many people who struggle with weight become judgmental of others. This is a survival mechanism for them. They look at others as possible people who can (and many times do) hurt their feelings. If you are going to be charismatic, you need to stop this. You need to begin seeing yourself as everyone's peer and possible helper. You can achieve this by telling yourself that you are here for this person and for a purpose. This will help you get out of your fear, and more into focusing on what the other person is saying.
3. Sit up straight, the idea is not to blend, but to make a point. When people struggle with obesity, they want to blend in so they aren't noticed. Charismatic people are noticed, and you will be too when you improve your posture. Sitting up straight in a chair or walking with your shoulders back will accentuate your weight loss and also make you feel more confident.
4. Be true to what you think. Your job is not to agree with others so you won't be noticed or ridiculed. Your job or self-purpose is to be true to yourself. Others are attracted to people who stand up for what they believe while tolerating other's ideas. Many times, obese people I work with are lost in their beliefs. They never felt it was okay to say what they wanted. It's okay and I encourage you to speak your mind.
5. If your weight loss is relatively new and you want to practice online dating or applying for a new job, I suggest you have someone close to you write your profile. Your profile reflects whether or not you feel good about yourself. People that read it, judge it. It's difficult to be enthusiastic about “YOU” if you don't feel good about “YOU.” Until you are feeling comfortable and healthy about you, let someone else help promote you.

One of the most exciting parts of my job is seeing the transformation of people as they lose weight and gain confidence and charisma. It is scary for them, and yet the joy they experience when they see all aspects of themselves that were hidden under the obesity is incredible. I am not sure how obesity begins, or is kept in place, but I am sure the elation of knowing one's self and feeling comfortable in that self is one of the most important passages we can make.

Men suffer with their body image much the same as a woman does. There is a media type of perfection that men are influenced by that includes thin, tall, dark men. Most men don't put the same pressure on themselves to reach that perfection or fit in, but men who have “moobs” don't feel masculine or desired by women. Gynecomastia is breast development in males. It can happen at any age, but it is usually due to weight gain with adult males. Fat is deposited over the pectoral muscles, and this can make men appear to have breasts or moobs. There are diseases that can cause this development, so it is important that you go to your doctor if you have pain or other symptoms. With obesity being so common, it is becoming more and more likely you know someone with moobs.

The clothing industry has realized it can make money from peoples' insecurities. They now have shirts made of spandex for men to hold their moobs in. They also have a mature cut with shirts for men with moobs. Clothing industries have always had these clothing sensitivities for women. However, with a high divorce rate and more middle aged men dating, they are becoming more aware that guys, too, suffer with body image. What woman doesn't have a pair of spandex, or transparent line panties, or bras that promote cleavage? Why should it be any different for men? No matter how technical the clothing industry becomes with holding us in or pushing us out, if you are in an intimate relationship, someone eventually has to see your body. Any part of your body that gravity can affect, it will. The latest statistics project that by the year 2015 75% of Americans will be overweight. Can you imagine the moobs and sagging we will see in both men and women?

Here are some tips you can begin today if you feel badly about your weight or if you are growing “moobs” due to obesity:

1. Go to your primary care doctor. This is important because weight gain can be caused by many things. Although weight gain is the primary reason for moobs in adult men, it could be something else.
2. Get engaged in an exercise and nutritional program. Your local Y may be a good place to start. Some physicians have nutritionists on their staff; changing how and why you eat is a great place to begin.
3. Buy clothing to disguise your moobs and stomach. Women have been buying support clothing for a long time. Guys may feel less masculine when purchasing a t-shirt made of spandex, but if you are on the dating scene or just feel bad about your body, a clothing article can help you feel more confident.
4. When you are with your spouse, make it more about the time together than going to a new restaurant. Maybe instead of a full course dinner, you could try appetizers. You will save money, and the time you may have spent eating can be spent going for a walk or talking with your spouse.
5. If you aren't married, engaged or in the dating scene, remember the first thing that impresses people is your appearance. If you lack confidence regarding your body, walk around slumped over, or try to hold back, your first impression will not be favorable. It is much better to stand up straight, look your date in the eyes, and be transparent. Tell her/him you are working on a healthy lifestyle and portray to that person that you are determined to make changes. Women want a “take charge” guy. Taking charge of yourself and being healthy is a turn on. Women would most likely overlook your moobs.

Being judged is never fair, especially when that judgment is primarily made up of visual cues. How a person feels about their flaws may accentuate the flaws. Try to begin a lifestyle that will eliminate the flaw and derive confidence from your ability to follow through. Confidence is visual. Also, most of us have been drawn to people who weren't especially attractive, but their confidence made us want to be with them.

There was a recent article in the New York Times and the Houston Chronicle about longevity being linked to waist size. The study was from the American Cancer Society which tracked the health of more than 100,000 people over nine years. Having a large waist size doubled the risk of dying from any cause compared to those with smaller waists. This finding occurred whether the person was normal weight, overweight, or obese. The researchers reported a particularly striking finding for women. They noted that the association between waist size and mortality risk was strongest for women who were normal weight. The take home message was watch your waist as well as your weight. The size of waist that was most noted was 47 inches or larger for men and 42 inches or larger for women. The waist is measured just above the navel, not underneath your tummy.

Most people are more able to lose weight if they adapt a total lifestyle change and have an exercise buddy. That's one of the reasons couples can be so successful if they work together to help each other become more active and eat healthy. Women use food to manage emotions such as anger, boredom, loneliness, and anxiety more than men do. Therefore, if women can talk to their partner about how they are feeling, many times this alone will help them curb their munching. Men have more tendencies toward drinking and watching TV than women. If women are able to encourage their partner to go for a walk or a bike ride with them, this helps him cut calories and become healthier. Working together can also lead to a closer connection with each other. You have a shared vision; rather than worry about your partner sabotaging you, they are going to be motivating you.

Before you begin, it is important to understand a few basics about men's and women's bodies in relationship to losing weight:

1. Men lose faster. They have more muscle mass, faster metabolism and more water. Therefore, the same exercise and diet will be reflected differently on the scales. Women lose slower, and the body fluctuates more due to menstruation as well as our higher fat content.
2. Women get hungrier than men with strenuous exercise. Women's bodies are designed to give birth, so what we burn we feel the need to restore.
3. Both men and women can be addicted to trigger foods, but it is more common with women. If your partner understands this, you can ban specific foods from your home.

How to begin a couple's exercise program:

1. Choose an exercise you both want to do. It should be done at a level that you can continue to talk to each other, thus enhancing your emotional connection, as well improving your cardiovascular health.
2. Choose the number of times each week you will engage in this activity and the time. If you are a morning person and your partner is an evening person, maybe you can go together on the weekends and separately during the week.
3. Don't compare your weight loss with your partner. What is important is you are encouraging each other. Congratulate each other more on their clothing size as they lose weight and how they appear. Are they more energetic? Do they seem happier? These are the things to notice.
4. Take turns cooking healthy. Make dinners at home special. This will save you money as well as save you unwanted calories.
5. If you feel a binge coming on, alert your partner that you need additional support to stay on track. Many times just telling someone else will stop the binge in its track.
6. Supervise yourself only. Don't become the sergeant to your spouse. The goal is to get healthier and whittle away the waist, not your marriage.
7. Prepare for more intimacy. Women especially desire sex more when they feel better about their bodies. Sometimes losing one or two inches from her waist can turn a woman into a sex goddess.
8. Be consistent. It takes about 30 days to make a behavior a habit. Everyone has the money and means to live a healthier lifestyle.
9. With weight loss, as with everything else, you get better results when you encourage rather than shame.
10. The more couples engage in activities, the happier they report their marriage. The more couples share a vision, the happier they report being. Losing weight with your partner achieves both of these.

Dr. Jacobs, who piloted the study, believes there is clear evidence that eating better and exercising more will reduce waist size and burn off belly fat. He goes on to say that, “Even a modest reduction in waist size, an inch or two, could be quite helpful.” If you begin exercising as a couple today, by Thanksgiving you may love your new waist size more than a Butterball Turkey.

Moms are the backbone of our families, and if they are unable to stop their own anger and unable to say no, they risk a heightened risk of hypertension, diabetes, and raising children with a lowered sense of self. How does this happen? Moms who don't take time out for meditation, relaxation, and simple pampering routines become stressed with schedules, worries, and their relationships, which manifest in their health. These same moms forget the importance of exercise and begin to gain weight. This weight gain leads to diseases, such as diabetes and arthritis, which cripples their ability to exercise and participate further in life. Soon they become too tired to join her children at the park, or uncomfortable attending events with their husbands where people may notice their weight, and become depressed because they feel like they are no longer worthwhile.

We begin seeing the effects on children of mom's inability to say “no” because she is so busy saying "yes" to everyone else's demands that the only one hearing “no” is her child. Her children simply note that mom is no longer available to them. Children personalize everything and begin to think they are not worthy of mom's attention. This leads to the child's poor sense of self. Moms who are stressed with too much to do don't talk well about themselves either. The child is constantly hearing mom berate herself for her thunder thighs, big belly, etc...The child personalizes these statements too.

Tips for learning to say "NO" to everyone else and "yes" to you:

1. Practice meditation/prayer, or quiet time every day.
2. Take a 10 minute walk three times a day.
3. Before taking on a new task, ask yourself...who will this benefit? If you or your families are not on the list, say "NO." If you must add something to soften it, say "NO, I am taking time out for myself and my family."
4. Get pampered with something you like at least once a week.
5. Schedule a time when it is just you and your child...all phones and computers off.
6. Hug your partner at least once a day.
7. Have a chore chart and only do the chores you are listed to do. Appoint a manager of household chores (don't volunteer).

To raise healthier families, moms need to care for themselves and not feel guilty. Much of the conflict in a family is caused by undue stress mom feels about not having time for herself and her inability to say “No.” Dads can help by pitching in with chores and focusing on the marriage more. Moms who are in good marriages have a tendency to stress less and handle daily demands with healthier coping skills. The best ways to teach your children to manage stress well is to teach them by modeling appropriate self-care tips. Taking time out for you will help your child understand that giving back and nourishing our own body and spirit is as important as busying ourselves by taking care of others.

I have a friend who constantly looks at herself in any and all mirrors. She is not conceited or even what I would call vain. In fact, this friend is one of my most beautiful friends but she doesn't see that in the mirror. She complains constantly of growing older, getting more saggy skin, and how she would like to have a surgeon give her a body lift and face lift. One day when she was looking at her reflection as we sat down to lunch I hinted that maybe she should quit her obsession with looking at mirrors. I suggested it may be the mirror that was the real culprit to her lack of confidence with her looks. She turned to me with her eyes wide as she took that in. She had never thought about this concept. Apparently she looked to the mirror as a constant valuator of all she detested about her looks. She turned to the mirror to make sure nothing had gotten worse than the last time she checked.

My friend regards “looks” like many women I know. Women know too much about the influence of their looks. We know from numerous studies that beauty determines much of our life. We understand that attractive children are more popular with classmates and teachers than unattractive children. We understand that in a court of law the more attractive you are the less guilty you may be found. In all areas of life the more attractive the person the more that same person is thought of as good, intelligent, and popular. We become obsessed with how we look. Women are also much more critical about who is and who is not attractive.
Men are much healthier than women in the assessment of their own attractiveness. Men look in a mirror and judge themselves as better looking than they actually are. Women look in the mirror and see the Ugly Step Mother. In fact, women who look in the mirror excessively are most likely not looking for vanity reasons, but due to insecurity. Where is this coming from, or why is it getting worse? We look to the media to project our blame. The media is no doubt part of the problem. They show thin women who are made up or digitally altered to look so beautiful that we can never match it in real life. Our standards of beauty have become narrower and much less flexible. Whenever you lose the flexibility in what is beautiful, and who is beautiful you create an image that everyone must try to fit into. Pictures of what is accepted as beautiful are on billboards, TV, Internet, and magazines. We see them so much we begin to think of these images as the norm. We, along with our families and friends, don't fit these images so we judge them and ourselves as inferior. We also become susceptible to what the ads are promoting, or commercials are saying in regards to how we can become beautiful. Weight loss ads, skin care commercials, and surgical enhancements are all part of this. The more critical we become regarding our looks the more vulnerable we become to these ads.

In a recent survey, 80% of women who were asked to rate themselves in a mirror did not like what they saw. That is a sobering 8 out of 10 women. Lesbian women and African American women were less harsh with their judgment. These two groups had a more flexible image of what determines beauty. The white Caucasian women were the most inflexible with their judgment. More than any other group, they seemed to have a definite concept of beauty and most of them could not measure up. Their main criticism was aimed at their bodies, especially their stomachs, hips, and thighs. Does this mean we are doomed to continue this cycle to our daughters for generations to come? If not, what can we do today to stop the body hate for the next generation?

1. Try to limit looking in the mirror to once or twice a day.
2. Watch your “self talk.” What you say to yourself becomes who you are, and what you say to yourself is what your children hear and will later say to themselves.
3. When you see a reflection of yourself, rather than judge it harshly, remind yourself that you actually look better than what you are thinking (I am borrowing from the men here).
4. Stop all weight loss diets and adopt a lifestyle that involves movement every day.
5. Focus on your relationships rather than your looks.
6. Getting a massage or pampering your body is a way to nurture it and does much more than an expensive face cream ever will.
7. To secure a relationship with your partner, put your focus on enjoying each other with intimacy and sex more than trying to look better (when you are connected with intimacy and sex, how you look becomes less important).
8. Stay away from magazines or websites that promote an inflexible standard of beauty.
9. Stay away from friends that focus on their outer beauty rather than what they can do to benefit other's lives.
10. Be honest with your partner if their behavior or words make you feel judged or unattractive. Most likely, they were insensitive to what they said and how it may have affected you.

Aging is difficult for everyone to some extent. Aging is especially difficult for women who have focused most of their attention on their looks rather than their interests. Begin today finding new interests, and ways you can give back and make someone else's life better. The best cure for insecurity with one's looks is having confidence that what you do is valued and needed by others. You don't have to be “HOT” or "ATTRACTIVE" to be a beautiful person.

I read, with interest, the story about Donna Simpson who is already weighing in at 600 pounds and wants to gain to 1,000 pounds to achieve her goal of being the fattest woman in the world for the Guinness World Record (she already holds the title for being the fattest mother after giving birth in 2007). Ms. Simpson is consuming 12,000 calories per day (normal caloric intake for a woman her age is 1,500 to 2,000 calories per day), and taking her toll on taxpayer dollars, as she can only walk 20 feet and has other health issues. How does she make her money? Perhaps this is the sickest part. She has a website where men pay to watch her eat. Ms. Simpson has a boyfriend who encourages this behavior, and he weighs in at a slight 150 pounds. When asked why he does this he reports, “I know where she is and I love to watch her eat.” Her boyfriend suffers from insecurity and control issues among other things.

This story is extreme and it saddens me, but it happens on a smaller scale with overweight patients I counsel about their eating behaviors and lifestyles. Many of my patients report that their weight loss attempts are being sabotaged by their spouses. How could someone who harps at you to lose weight and tells you they don't desire you when you are overweight, be the main contributor to your weight problem? It happens over time, and it happens because even though you are overweight and your partner may not like it, they derive a sense of security with you not changing. There is also a fear that as you lose weight you may become more sexually appealing, and your spouse may worry that you will cheat. Your spouse may not like their own body, and if you change yours they may become threatened that you won't desire them. There are many reasons your spouse may want to cook you dinner with extra butter, or discourage you from going to the gym, and possibly withdraw love if you become too thin. The important aspect of sabotage is to become aware it is happening and not get drawn into it. Sabotage may look like this:

• Your partner may begin to tell you that you look sick or pale when you lose weight. They may focus on your health and try to make you feel panic or concern.
• They may begin to say in front of you to friends, “My wife or husband has abandoned me.” Or they may say, “My husband/wife won't eat with me anymore, and they have changed since they lost weight.” This is the tactic of love being equal to food and may contribute to the weight problem you are struggling with currently. Love has nothing to do with food. One is fuel, one is an emotion.
• They may make a special meal for you, full of fat and not on your meal plan, and then pout if you don't eat it. This is a control issue, it is best to acknowledge the effort that went into making it, and suggest you take the meal or “special cake” to work for your friends to see what a thoughtful spouse you have.

The best way to thwart sabotaging behavior from your spouse is to sit down with them and talk to them openly and honestly before you begin the lifestyle change. Tell them you are unhappy at your current weight, that you are concerned about your health, and with the appearance of your body. Tell them you need their support and help with this transition, because you love them and you want to stay healthy to be a better partner to them. Then have a list of suggestions to give them that will help you stay on track with your lifestyle changes. You may need to reassure them that no matter how you look you will always love them most. Even secure partners need to hear this once in awhile.

Suggestions for the partner of someone trying to lose weight and to change their lifestyle:

• Offer to take a walk or go to the gym with your partner. This means a lot. The gym can become the place the two of you go to get away from the kids, and it can become your “date night.”
• If you become frightened with your partner's success, just say it. Tell them you are feeling jealous. They will understand, and most likely it will flatter them, and they will love you more for your honesty.
• When you go to the grocery store do not bring home your partner's trigger foods. Instead, save that money in a jar. Tell your partner that as soon as they lose the weight they want, the two of you will go on a vacation. Tell them the money came from what was usually used on junk food.

Losing weight and making changes with your lifestyle is extremely difficult. It can be made twice as difficult with a sabotaging spouse or twice as easy with a supportive spouse. Make sure you discover which of those you are married to. It is never too late to change.

There are many women who are in their late thirties and forties who would like to find someone with whom to have a relationship and get married. Some of these women are accomplished, bright, and pretty, and as they tell me they cannot find someone, I am flabbergasted. I meet great men all the time.  It only takes one man to get married, so what is the problem? Well, the longer you talk to these women one thing becomes very clear. Many of them are looking for Mr. Perfect. Before I go any further let me define what I mean by Mr. Perfect.  I am not saying that you should not be picky. I am saying that before you judge you should be very honest with yourself. What do you have to offer? What are your weaknesses? What are your strengths? If you are looking for someone with ambition, are you really looking for someone who will work so you can stay home? If you decide not to date someone because he is too short, is his height more of value to you than his heart?

I recently read a book titled “Marry him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. The author (who is 42 years old and has a child from a sperm donor) now realizes she wants a husband with whom to share her life. She talks about all of the good enough men (who look great now) she knew in her twenties and thirties that she let go of due to some minor defect (height, weight, what they did for a living). She now sees them with their wives and children and she feels envy for the wife. She didn’t realize the importance of having a husband, and before she knew it she was forty.

When this author was asked why she and other women who ended up unmarried at forty didn’t marry she replied that she thought she was resistant to compromise. She said she felt entitled to having a Mr. Right that looked a certain way, had a certain job, and was able to express romantic gestures in a certain way. Yes, you are entitled to that thinking. However, that thinking is going to leave you very much alone.  People don’t come with microchips that you can program. They come to us scarred, and sensitive to emotions we may not understand. They may present to us as good looking at first, but that can change quickly when we see them act cruelly to us or to someone else. 

If you are alone and want to be married by the end of the year there are several ideas you may want to consider.

1. What makes you someone that someone else would want to marry?
2. What can you tolerate in another, and what can’t you tolerate in another person? If there are things you cannot tolerate, try to get that list below 2 or 3 characteristics.
3. What areas of your life are you unwilling to share? The shorter that list, the better also.  Many times people will answer that question without complete honesty. Be aware, others feel vibes of those areas even if you aren’t able to admit them.

Marriage is not perfect, and the only reason to get married is because you find someone you want to share your life with. There is no better way to understand you than to be married. It will show you every selfish, cruel bone you have in your body. It also has an incredible way of showing you every ounce of compassion and tolerance you have in your heart. To be married to Mr. Good Enough is preferable for me because what growth would there be for me if I were married to Mr. Perfect?

I work at the Methodist Weight Management program. It is not uncommon for women to tell me they became morbidly obese after they got married. In fact many women will recite that they were thin until the birth of their first baby. They are frustrated and do not understand what happened. Many of these women feel guilty because they believe it is the way they eat or not enough exercise. Certainly behavior changes do contribute to weight gain, but maybe it has more to do with the couple and what they are doing together that leads to weight gain for the wife?

Annette J. Dobson, a professor of biostatistics at the University of Queensland in Australia reported that adjusting for other variables on average a woman who weighs 140 pounds who has a partner whether she lives with him or is married to him gains up to 20lbs in ten years if she has a baby, 15 pounds if there is no baby and no partner she gains only 11 pounds.  The number of women with a baby but no partner was too small of a sample size to draw statistically significant conclusions (link to the NY Times Article).

Scientists cannot come up with a reason to believe that having a partner would cause metabolic changes so they are lead to believe that the weight gain among the childless women with partners must be caused by behavioral changes. The weight gain seemed to be steady during the whole 10 year study so whatever behaviors they were changing just kept getting more constant.

This study was done with 6,000 Australian women over a ten year period which ended in 2006. It was difficult studying such a large group over that period of time. By the end of the study more than half of the women had college degrees and about three quarters had partners and half had had at least one baby. Almost all the weight gain happened with the first baby, while subsequent births had little effect. Also by the end of the study there were fewer smokers and risky drinkers than at the beginning. There were fewer women exercising and less of them were working outside the home. But even after adjusting for all of these factors and more, the difference in weight gain among women with and without babies and among women with and without partners remained. This study included only women but the researchers cited one earlier study that showed an increase in obesity among men who had children, adding evidence that behavior changes occur to both partners. Healthy and unhealthy lifestyles affect both men and women.

How to prevent or minimize weight gain as a couple:

1. Get into an exercise program and do it every day (consistency is the key). Don’t focus on the amount of time; try to take mini intense workouts. Walking very fast for 10 minutes is better than walking slow for 20. No time to exercise? Fit walking in whenever you can.
2. When you go out to eat, watch portions. If your husband weighs 200 pounds and is 6 feet and you are 5 feet 2 inches and weigh 140 you should not be eating the same amount of food he does. Cut down half of the portion the restaurant brings you.
3. As much as possible do not eat after 7 p.m. in the evening.
4. Have sex frequently. I don’t know why it works, but it does for burning calories. It also will help with your body image which will help you control your appetite.
5. Pamper yourself with things other than food. Most of what I do at my job is to teach people alternative behaviors to relieve stress that don’t include food.

As couples become comfortable in a relationship they may develop the attitude that they don’t need to stay slim anymore. This is not only untrue but it is dangerous. Most diseases are worsened or precipitated by weight gain. Instead of using food as a measure of comfort couples would be wise to use a new measure such as hugs, snuggling, or massages. In the New Year make it a goal to find a new activity you can do as a couple that doesn’t involve eating.