I wanted to try something a little different, and have created a video blog entry.  I hope to do more of these soon! 

The topic of this video is Tips for Staying Together After Infidelity.

Oh how you sparkle, and oh how you shine.
That flush on your cheeks is more than the wine.
And he must do something that I didn't do.
Whatever he's doing, it looks good on you. [Chorus:]
You look so good in love.
You want him, that's easy to see.
You look so good in love.
And I wish you still wanted me
-George Strait-

It happens all the time. We break up with the love of our life or they break up with us. Sometimes we know it's coming. We plan for it and rehearse it. Other times it hits us out of nowhere. The person we love hits us from behind, or we find out something that changes everything. No matter if you have known the person for years or months, it hurts especially if we have to think of them with another person. There are feelings of anger, guilt, and despair, but mostly feelings of loneliness and the need to tell that person “one more thing.” A breakup can turn your world upside down, making it feel like you don't know who you are anymore.

In a recent study Elizabeth Slotter (who recently published completed research on couples) comments, "We know that relationships change the way we think about ourselves; when a relationship ends, that sense of self ends." Couples often share friends, do the same things in their free time, and talk about the future. They say things like, "we like traveling" and they finish each other's sentences. The more committed they are to one another, the harder it is for them to distinguish their individual differences.

Slotter goes on to say that there is overlap between yourself and your partner's self. When a couple breaks up, all of the pieces that use to mean so much and were shared are not meaningful anymore. When you no longer have a clear idea of who you are without your partner you become emotionally distressed. Breakups may not mean the relationship is over, sometimes they occur because something is missing or needs readjusting. The difficult part is to stay calm while in that state of not really knowing who you are without that person. Time heals many things, and what it cannot heal it at least makes clearer.

The level of pain differs depending on who actually broke it off. If you are the one who ended it, you may find yourself ruminating about it over and over. It will be helpful if you make a list of the reasons you have to or had to end it. When they are on paper you will be able to assess them more clearly. Was someone cheating? Did you love someone else? Did you begin to see this person in a different light due to some incident that occurred? Was the person becoming depressed, abusive, and or unmotivated? If you felt you exhausted all means to work on the issues, but the other person was not willing to work with you, then the chances of a successful relationship were low. If you noted character flaws within the person that didn't match your values, the relationship would most likely have failed too. The more you explore each reason, the more understanding you will have of your choice to let go. This will help you let go during the breakup, and will also help you communicate the reasons to your partner without regret.

How to break up with someone in a way that minimizes regret (although there will always be some):

• Always have your reasons clear in your mind. Be gentle, and think beforehand how you can take responsibility for the decision (don't tell them it's not you, it's me). Something more along the lines of “this is the issue that bothers me, and right now I do not feel like I can fix it.”
• Always break up with the person face-to-face. If you email or text, you will suffer regret. If this person was someone you cared deeply for it is disrespectful to break up over an email or text, and then you will have to apologize for being disrespectful.
• Make sure you tell the person what you will really miss about them and what they taught you.

What if you are the person who is broken up with? Allow yourself feelings of hurt, anger, and defensiveness. Going up and down is normal at this time. It may help to write down how you are feeling so that you can get the emotion out without feeling like you are talking badly about your ex (remember, if you do work it out or get back together, your family will not be supportive if they have heard all of the terrible things you told them about).

A few tips to help minimize regret if you are the person broken up with:

• It's difficult to hear someone doesn't love you anymore or want you in their life the way they once did. You can expect to feel hurt, resentful and depressed. This is why talking isn't really helpful when it first happens. Try to engage in doing other things to keep yourself busy.
• Make a schedule and stick with it. Plan to be with family more or make dates with friends so you won't be alone. This is not the time to sit home alone and sleep or think. The more you are involved in, the better you will feel, and the sooner you will heal.
• Don't cling to the person. Telling them you want them back or driving to their home to watch who they are dating will make you feel worse and may scare them.
• As much as possible, think about what you learned from this person and this relationship. Embrace the areas you grew in and let go of the behaviors that didn't work for you. Relationships are all about learning about ourselves in a context sharing your life with someone else.
• Lastly, allow time to do its job of helping to unravel confusion and hurt. Most breakups happen for reasons outside of both partners' control. The sooner you can take responsibility for the part you played, the sooner you can get on with your life and not let the breakup destroy future joys.

Regret and sadness are passive feelings. The sooner you can identify and take an action, the sooner you will begin to feel better about yourself. That action could be a new hair style, going back to school, buying the motorcycle you always wanted, or taking a trip to Europe. The action (as long as it's healthy) doesn't matter. What does matter is you getting up, brushing off the dirt, and moving forward, taking whatever love you can from the broken relationship and believing it is possible to love another.

One of the first flaws most noted in a marriage is the fact that the couple is no longer being kind to one another. They begin arguing, assuming the worse, and often times becoming critical of each other. Researchers found it odd that couples can be arguing in a grocery store and then suddenly become friendly again at the cashier. Once the couple grab their bags and head for the door they begin arguing again. What's going on? When did we turn our best friend and mate into our enemy and begin treating them disrespectfully? Is it our stress at work, our unhappiness with our lives or ambitions, or is it less efficient to be kind in this hurried life?

Being unkind to your partner is damaging for your partner, your children, and you. It creates stress which leads to physical and emotional problems. Being kind is acting in a compassionate and respectful way toward your partner. Research shows that couples who are kind to one another are healthier and their relationships are more successful. Reading the news about teens beating up other teens is a sure sign that it is time to bring kindness back into your home. The way to begin kindness training is through a process called “positive perspective.” The first rule of teaching positive perspective is to change the way you think, that is, begin to act positive and assume the best intentions. For example, if you ask your spouse to record Monday night football for you and they don't, instead of attacking them with “you never” or “you should,” try saying, “I know how busy you are. Thanks for all the things you have done to make our home happy and for doing such a great job with the kids.”

When you change your thoughts you change your words and, therefore, set up an environment of peace and kindness. The old assumptions were all about you (she doesn't want me to watch football) and what you wanted. It's okay not to get your way; kindness is more important. The greatest thing is kindness creates kindness because it is contagious.

Simple tips for creating positive regard in your marriage and your home:

• Say please and thank you to your spouse. A man actually told his wife in my office that he shouldn't have to say please or thank you to her or the kids. Why not? What part about being married makes you exempt from being kind?
• 
  Ask for help in a polite manner. No one wants to be ordered around, especially your spouse. Asking for help validates your partner that you still look to them for help. Being needed is important to each and every one of us.
• 
  When your spouse does something for you, above and beyond the call, make sure they know they are appreciated. When your spouse does something for you, don't exclaim that they should have done it a long time ago or make reference to someone else's mate who is more efficient. This does nothing to create positive perspective and builds resentment instead (resentment does not exist with kindness).

We all are human and we all have bad days when we aren't kind. This is to be expected, but if you can change your arguing and disrespect of your spouse in front of a cashier (someone you don't know), you can change it in your home. If you can change it in your home, both your marriage and you will be healthier and happier. What is stopping you? What makes the fighting or arguing more worthwhile than a home with kindness?

In the spirit of this Holy Week, please be kind to your partner. All peace begins in the home!!! Mjo

I read, with interest, the story about Donna Simpson who is already weighing in at 600 pounds and wants to gain to 1,000 pounds to achieve her goal of being the fattest woman in the world for the Guinness World Record (she already holds the title for being the fattest mother after giving birth in 2007). Ms. Simpson is consuming 12,000 calories per day (normal caloric intake for a woman her age is 1,500 to 2,000 calories per day), and taking her toll on taxpayer dollars, as she can only walk 20 feet and has other health issues. How does she make her money? Perhaps this is the sickest part. She has a website where men pay to watch her eat. Ms. Simpson has a boyfriend who encourages this behavior, and he weighs in at a slight 150 pounds. When asked why he does this he reports, “I know where she is and I love to watch her eat.” Her boyfriend suffers from insecurity and control issues among other things.

This story is extreme and it saddens me, but it happens on a smaller scale with overweight patients I counsel about their eating behaviors and lifestyles. Many of my patients report that their weight loss attempts are being sabotaged by their spouses. How could someone who harps at you to lose weight and tells you they don't desire you when you are overweight, be the main contributor to your weight problem? It happens over time, and it happens because even though you are overweight and your partner may not like it, they derive a sense of security with you not changing. There is also a fear that as you lose weight you may become more sexually appealing, and your spouse may worry that you will cheat. Your spouse may not like their own body, and if you change yours they may become threatened that you won't desire them. There are many reasons your spouse may want to cook you dinner with extra butter, or discourage you from going to the gym, and possibly withdraw love if you become too thin. The important aspect of sabotage is to become aware it is happening and not get drawn into it. Sabotage may look like this:

• Your partner may begin to tell you that you look sick or pale when you lose weight. They may focus on your health and try to make you feel panic or concern.
• They may begin to say in front of you to friends, “My wife or husband has abandoned me.” Or they may say, “My husband/wife won't eat with me anymore, and they have changed since they lost weight.” This is the tactic of love being equal to food and may contribute to the weight problem you are struggling with currently. Love has nothing to do with food. One is fuel, one is an emotion.
• They may make a special meal for you, full of fat and not on your meal plan, and then pout if you don't eat it. This is a control issue, it is best to acknowledge the effort that went into making it, and suggest you take the meal or “special cake” to work for your friends to see what a thoughtful spouse you have.

The best way to thwart sabotaging behavior from your spouse is to sit down with them and talk to them openly and honestly before you begin the lifestyle change. Tell them you are unhappy at your current weight, that you are concerned about your health, and with the appearance of your body. Tell them you need their support and help with this transition, because you love them and you want to stay healthy to be a better partner to them. Then have a list of suggestions to give them that will help you stay on track with your lifestyle changes. You may need to reassure them that no matter how you look you will always love them most. Even secure partners need to hear this once in awhile.

Suggestions for the partner of someone trying to lose weight and to change their lifestyle:

• Offer to take a walk or go to the gym with your partner. This means a lot. The gym can become the place the two of you go to get away from the kids, and it can become your “date night.”
• If you become frightened with your partner's success, just say it. Tell them you are feeling jealous. They will understand, and most likely it will flatter them, and they will love you more for your honesty.
• When you go to the grocery store do not bring home your partner's trigger foods. Instead, save that money in a jar. Tell your partner that as soon as they lose the weight they want, the two of you will go on a vacation. Tell them the money came from what was usually used on junk food.

Losing weight and making changes with your lifestyle is extremely difficult. It can be made twice as difficult with a sabotaging spouse or twice as easy with a supportive spouse. Make sure you discover which of those you are married to. It is never too late to change.

Studies show that one out of every two marriages will end in divorce. There are many reasons for this, but one of the main culprits is that when things change in the relationship (such as having children) couples forget to adjust and prioritize. Your marriage has to take top priority if you want it to withstand the test of children. When you have children you must let go of the concept of having everything planned. Learn to take advantage of spontaneous times, such as naptime. This is a perfect time to leave the dishes in the sink or the dirty laundry. Instead, grab your spouse and make the most of your extra moments.

3 Reasons Intimacy Dies After Children

• It is difficult for women to value their role as a lover as much as being a mother. Making this transition is very difficult. Society values motherhood much more than they do a wife or a lover. One thing you can do to ease this transition is to be careful not to call your partner "daddy" or "mommy." Call them by the same name or pet name you always did. Once you begin to label your spouse as mommy or daddy it is difficult for you to think of them as your lover, and you begin to value their parent role more than their role as your lover or spouse.
• The routine of being a parent can get in the way of spending time with your spouse. When you have a child you begin to work together and most of your day (and night) is consumed with the kids. Soon sex and intimacy may become routine—done in the same room, the same way, or both people are too exhausted to have sex. Try making love in a different room or at a different time when the kids are out of the house. Call your spouse at work and surprise them once in awhile by flirting again.  Date night has to be on your calendar once a week, and try to have at least one weekend away every 4 to 6 weeks.
• Couples tend to forget how special their spouse is to them, and taking each other for granted happens to most couples. You don't need to get stuck here though. When you find yourself taking the other spouse for granted it's time to recognize it and do something about it—a favorite meal, dessert, or a kiss when you come home with a simple, "what would I do without you?"  This makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Don't wait to get that special treatment, rather, focus on giving it.

Life is about balance and many couples become panicked when they feel like they are losing the intimacy in their marriage. The most wonderful aspect of this it that it is POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK! Life presents many occasions in our lives where we are out of balance. Don't scare yourself if you haven't had sex for a couple of weeks. Simply sit down with your partner and identify steps you can each take to get it back. Divorce is almost 100% avoidable, but it does take awareness and action on your part. Below are a few more tips to help you get your intimacy back on track.

• Make the bedroom your haven. I know when your little cherub comes in at night and says they had a bad dream and asks if they can sleep with you it is easier to let them crawl in—but don't. That night will turn into every night. Pick them up, comfort them, and take them back to bed. Tell them you are keeping everything safe and no one will hurt them. Promise them you will check on them later to make sure they are okay.
• Babysitting does not have to cost money. Talk with your friends and begin taking turns babysitting. This prevents you from paying a sitter for your date night and secures another mom or dad that you can trust. If you cannot do this then talk to your parents or siblings to see if they would be willing to babysit once a week so you can go out for that crucial date night.
• Talk about your sex life with your partner; it's important to have a plan. Make sure you schedule sex on a specific night. Preparing for sex can be so much fun and gives both people something to look forward to. Couples who schedule sex have more sex. Couples who have more sex want more sex.
• Take your time with foreplay. Foreplay should begin before anything else; it is "before-play."  If you have date nights planned beginning at 8p.m., then get the sitter or take the kids to Grandma's at 7p.m. to have that time for yourself to get in the mood to feel sexy and transition from your mom/dad role.

For a long while we have told ourselves myths that children do okay in a mediocre marriage between their parents. But now we know kids thrive and do better when their mom and dad maintain their own love separate from the kids. Nourishing your marriage is the BEST THING you can do for your children.

I watched Tiger Woods' apology about his treatment for sexual addiction on national television. Watched and listened along with millions of others to the words that are so frequently said when someone is in rehab. "I have ruined my life and it is my own fault. I need to ask your forgiveness, and I need to make amends for the pain I have caused you."

I run a food addiction group at Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas, and work with sexual addictions in my private practice. One thing I know for sure, an addiction is an addiction and it makes little difference what the drug of choice is. Lives are ruined with all addictions and anyone who loves the addicted person is hurt over and over again. The addict is on a slow spiral downward and cannot get well until they decide they have had enough.

What makes addictions so difficult to treat, whether they are food, sex or drugs, is the denial that keeps them in place. The addict cannot see clearly and they are no longer the person you loved, were married to, or birthed. They are addicted, and the drug has full control over their personality. They will steal, lie, cheat, and care nothing about what you think. They are totally self-absorbed toward getting the next fix. Forget it if you think you are helping them by covering for them when they are too depressed or hung over to go to work. If and when that happens, you have become part of the problem. When an overeater wants to celebrate at their favorite restaurant and you take them and eat with them, you are part of the addiction. When a friend wants to meet up with a date in a new town and you keep it a secret from everyone, knowing this friend has had many other lovers you are part of the addiction. Tiger's handlers who didn't hold him accountable and didn't stand up to him became enablers of his addiction. He may need to reconsider who he hires, and tell them up front that they need to be firm in what is acceptable and what is not.

The three teachings that Tiger already learned, and that I teach in the food addiction group, as well as with my sex addicted patients, are:

If you say "we" rather than "me" or "I" in your marriage, you are more likely to have a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. A new study from the University of California suggests that the more a couple sees and refers to themselves as a team using pronouns such as "we" or "us," the happier they are in their marriage.

The study analyzed 154 middle-aged and older married couples talking about arguments and/or disagreements they had. When the conversations were more frequent with "we words," there was less physical stress noted between the couple. They were also much more satisfied with their marriage than their "I" and/or "me" counterparts. Pronouns that depict more separateness also correlated more highly to unhappy marriages, especially with older couples. There were more "we" couple statements in the older group as compared to the middle-aged group. The study suggests that the older the couple, the more they have shared together, and there is possibly a greater shared identity.

How can you learn to incorporate more "we-ness" into your relationship to achieve the benefits that "me-ness" doesn't afford you? For starters, it may be good to practice changing your pronouns, especially in front of your partner. It appears that using "we' instead of "me" is a bit contagious. It also makes your partner feel more secure and willing to work toward a common goal.

More tips to change from "me" to "we"

• Purchase his and her towel sets. This helps each partner see themselves as part of the marriage. In fact, share everything you can (including a bank account).
• Ask your partner's opinion on joint purchases for the home. This makes your partner feel valued as being part of the couple. Ask their opinion in regard to clothes you buy as well as your hairstyle, shoes, etc.
• When talking to your parents on the phone, refer to your activities as "we," describing what you and your partner did over the weekend, or where you and your partner are going to vacation this year. These small changes make your partner feel like they are a part of your life.
• When you send a gift to your family or friends, always sign the card with both of your names, or write "we miss you" or "we love you." The more you use "we," even when your partner is not around, the more you begin seeing yourself as part of this team. It becomes more ingrained in your thoughts. You begin viewing yourself and your partner as emotionally close.
• When you sign a card to your spouse, always put "your husband" or "your wife."
• Share your visions and dreams by saying, "I see US doing this someday," or "I hope WE can accomplish this goal."

This study shows how small changes in a couple's communication or a change in their semantics can actually affect their long term outcome as a couple. It may be wise to note how you feel when your spouse says, "I want to do this," versus "we want to do this." Chances are high that you will feel more connected and receptive to the activity if you hear we instead of me!  

Every day I get a new marital journal in the mail. Every day it says the same thing (which research supports). Couples who decide to stick it out in a marriage not going so well end up being happy in the long run (this does not include abusive relationships). The key to these results is you have to work at it. Sticking it out can be tough, and divorcing, although not an easy option, is an immediate solution (to at least one problem). The toughest part of sticking it out is that most people who struggle in their marriage don't have the skills they need to pull the relationship out of a downward spiral.

Another very clear problem is that couples don't have a lot of mentors who can help support and guide them through the rough times. Many people don't belong to a church or feel accepted by one, the families live far away, and the media makes it appear that if you don't get all of your needs met in a marriage, it is doomed. The magazines and TV make it appear that everyone should be married to someone beautiful and totally enamored by us all the time. Perhaps this explains the constant switching of partners with actors, and celebrities. We see couples walking hand in hand with their perfect dog and perfect baby and we begin to believe our marriage is not good enough as compared to theirs.

I believe marriage is the greatest institution on earth. I took, and still take, my vows seriously, and I have gone over in my own mind what they mean when I hit a rough patch in my own marriage. I also believe that marriage is disrespected by many people and taken advantage of. However, at the end of the day, most of my clients want to be married, are trying to find someone to marry, or are hurting from a loss of their marriage. This makes it very powerful to me, and is one of the reasons I like reading Scott Haltzman's work. Haltzman wrote "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever." He also wrote "The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less."

Haltzman believes if your relationship is going badly it may be due to the fact that you have set your expectations too high. I see this frequently because couples who become critical of each other usually have an underlying thought that this person (spouse) should make them happy. They forget that they too must nurture their relationships. For example, the economy has put a strain on most families. Families want nice things, the cell phones, the flat screen TV's, the nicest computers and iPhones. You cannot have these things unless you work long hours. Working long hours takes away from the relationship. Couples don't understand the need to communicate these frustrations. "How can we have nice things and still have enough time for us?" Usually due to the lack of talking about it and negotiating they become withdrawn, critical of their partner, and angry at themselves because they aren't happy. This gets projected into the marriage, and instead of working on their relationship to solve this issue they blame the marriage. "It must be you and me. We shouldn't have gotten married." It has nothing to do with the marriage. It has to do with sitting down and talking about it.

Most of the problems that are worked out in my office are due to one thing and one thing only. Each partner begins to listen to the other one and doesn't judge their partner (in my office it is easy, as that is one of my first rules and I am the coach). I have watched partners bite their tongue while sitting on my sofa so they would not throw a judgment in. You can learn this skill no matter how long you have been married and nothing will begin to restore your "messy marriage" as quickly as this one skill. I have listed three other quick skills you can begin to practice today.

1. I statements. When you are talking to your partner begin to use "I." In other words, you don't say, "YOU always do this, or YOU never do that." You say, "I feel (worthless, unloved, and sad) when you say that." This makes your partner feel less blamed, less defensive, and it gives you ownership into owning your own feelings. In the real world, your partner cannot make you feel anything. You choose to feel the way you do when certain things are said. It isn't right or wrong. It just is.
2. Sit down and look at your partner at least 15 minutes each day. Take the challenge. How many of you turn off all communication and just look at your partner every day for 15 minutes and visit?
3. Do one fun thing with your partner each week. Something you both enjoy like dinner, a bath, playing tennis or golf, going for a run. All of these and many more are good options.

If we can better our marriages, we can better our children, their education, and our society at large. Your marriage matters. Keep it strong. Keep it healthy.

My best friend is a sculptor. I don't mean the kind you do with a knife on wood or ice, I mean with her husband. She never talks bad about him to me or any of her other friends. She changes any topic to bring out how great he is. She does that to his face too. In fact, the other night at dinner he said something funny (it really wasn't but we all laughed), and she responded with, "You are so funny, I just love it." My husband adores her because she is so kind to her husband. I love her, because I leave every encounter with her feeling happy that she loves him so much. Her husband adores her too because she brings out the very best in him. He brags all the time that she is the one who worked on his head so he could actually complete medical school. I am not sure if my friend ever saw a flaw in her husband, but I am sure if she did she would turn it into an asset that would benefit him.

My friend is not a scientist, nor is she in the field of psychology. She most likely has never heard of the "Michelangelo phenomenon." This Phenomenon that was studied by Eli Finkel, and Caryl Rusbult shows that when close partners affirm and support each other's ideal selves, they and the relationship benefit greatly. When the spouse sculpted the relationship well the relationship functions better, and both partners are happier. So why is this different than just being a loving, supportive partner? Many times when you are loving or supportive, you aren't effective at helping your partner achieve their highest goals. If you think about it, you are sculpting away the flaws in your partner to help them develop their own dreams, aspirations and other traits they hope to learn. For example, if your wife wants to go back to school, you sculpt her so she can be a better organizer and task completer. You find out what it is you can do to make going back to school easier for her. If it means you pick up the kids, make dinner, and help the kids with their homework, you do that while telling her how great she is doing in school. Telling her how wonderful she's doing can help her keep up with everything, including her homework. You help your partner see how skilled she is so she won't feel the stress and become overwhelmed. The more confident she becomes, the more she will feel in control.

Tips in learning how to sculpt

1. Find out what your partner's dreams and/or aspirations are. Trying to make the person into someone you want, and not someone they want to be, is called controlling, not sculpting.

2. When you find out which areas your partner wants to be stronger in, or the areas in which they feel the most vulnerable, ask them how they see you being able to help (you are asking for guidance here).

3. When your partner says something or presents a situation where you see they need a little help, you encourage them by reminding them of another time when they were able to do this. For example, if your partner usually forgets names at a party, and they feel badly about this, the next time you go to a party with them, say the person's name for your partner. Then when your partner meets this person and can say their name, you give them a little hug and say something like "You are so good with people." You don't remind them of how you helped them. Your partner begins to build more confidence with this and doesn't get as anxious about it at the next party.

The idea behind sculpting is that you do this for a long time. The craft of sculpting takes years of chipping away to encourage your partner to become their true self. The difficulty with sculpting is that it must be done without trying to make the person change to make you happier. Sculpting someone (chipping away at them) to change something you don't like is called "nagging." It usually causes food addiction, alcohol addiction and/or divorce.

It was inevitable, women kept going to school (at present more women are going to college than men), stopped getting married young to have children (women are at present taking less time off from their careers to have children and care for them), and now four out of ten women earn more than their husbands. Let us not forget that even though women are making more money than before, we still earn, overall, 77.9 cents for every dollar earned by men.

Women who are in primary bread winning roles in their family are on their own. They are reinventing a family life very different from the one in which they grew up. Many couples find the need to redefine their roles and they may feel more comfortable if these roles remain traditional. In reality, there is no way a woman can (or should) imagine she can work a twelve hour day and come home to face kids and laundry. This leads to a stress in the marriage and a breakdown in communication between husband and wife. Many couples look for the solution to who will do what? It sounds easy, "you take the trash out and I will wash the dishes." If men are not working outside the home, or are the house dad at home, they may cling to the more traditional male roles as a way to continue their masculine self-image. These feelings may not be rational at times, but honoring them may be marriage saving. In several studies, men whose wives earned more than they did actually withdrew and isolated themselves from chores unless the more traditional roles were established. This may be due to him needing to feel like the head of the home, or it could be his wife needs these traditional roles so she can feel like she has a man who does manly chores.

Men with working wives take on more housework than men with stay at home moms. However, they still lag behind by five hours a week. In families with small children, the gap becomes even wider with women spending 17 more hours per week than men on household chores.

If you are in a family where you earn more than your husband, or your wife earns more than you, these suggestions may help ease the transitions of who does what. After all, the important thing is that the chores get done.

1.  You are in it together.
   How much you earn is not the issue. The issue is who is going to do what to keep the family together. You will have a less stressful marriage if you work it together. Organize a weekly calendar and put it up in a central location. Let the kids pitch in too. Everyone has to work together to keep the family happy and healthy. Do not let yourself get caught up in who does more, or who makes more. You are both contributing to the same goal (a happy, healthy marriage and family).
2.  How much you make should not prevent you from doing your fair share at home.
   Boasting that you make more money and therefore your spouse should do more is not a good idea if you want a healthy marriage. No matter if your partner makes $26,000 a year and you make $150,000 a year, both of you are still working 40 hours a week and contributing. Most likely, you both have the same amount of free time. Demeaning your partner's job and elevating yours is a sign of arrogance, not a cooperative partner. Make a schedule that gives each of you some playtime, and also time for chores that need to be done.
3. Don't forget date time.
   Most of us work at our jobs to better our families and our situation. We cannot work without taking time away. This time away with your spouse is so important. Many times couples fight when they are stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It is not about the chores or family income that precipitates divorce. It is a loss of connectedness to one's spouse. All the money in the world will not matter unless the person you are married to loves you and wants to share their life with you. Take the time to get away and let go of chores and other demands. They will be there when you get home.
4. Socialize with other couples with the same lifestyle as yours.
   Socializing with other couples lowers your blood pressure and your risk of heart attacks. Get out with your spouse and enjoy laughing and sharing dinner with friends. Couples who play together really do share chores and work together more effectively.
5. The recession is impacting men's jobs more than women's.
   My daughter's professor calls the recession the mancession. More men have been affected by the recession with layoffs and cuts than women. Therefore, just because you do earn more than your hubby, it does not mean you are better or more qualified. Be grateful you have a job no matter how much you make, and celebrate his job or what he is able to accomplish at home. Men derive self-esteem and self worth by the work they do. Losing their job is much more difficult for a man to deal with than it is for a woman. Your man may need your support and assurance that he is still the "man" of the house no matter who brings home the bacon.

I came from a home where my mother was more educated and earned more than my father. He worked nights at a menial job and earned half of her salary. They worked together, and they were able to hold us children accountable for doing chores so we could survive. My dad was my primary caretaker during the day. The guy slept about 4 hours at night (from the time my mother came home to the time he went to the graveyard shift). They raised nine children. I evaluate every man by my father's strong, sensitive, nurturing abilities. A man's (and woman's worth) can never be judged by what they earn.