Having a teenager is one of the most challenging times in a parent's marriage as well as their life. It is scary, frustrating, and chaotic. It is a time of letting go, enforcing rules, strengthening boundaries and also nurturing. Teens may appear to be fighting against us at times, rebelling from our rules, pointing out our inadequacies, and telling us “how out of it we are.” However, they also still love and need us. They need their mom and dad to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents. You cannot say these things when they would be most apropos. However, you can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep. Also, they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. They will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it. I have written down 15 of those things that should be said during your child's teen years.

1. No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart than your mom/dad and I will.
2. You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize/benefit from them as best I can.
3. How can I help you reach your dreams?
4. No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.
5. My job is not to be your buddy. I am your parent and will love and mentor you.
6. I am sorry. (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)
7. I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.
8. It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.
9. I am sorry you don't like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.
10. If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.
11. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly.
12. I don't care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.
13. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.
14. If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.
15. From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).

The amount of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child's life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through and so will you.

I watched a movie titled “Greenberg” and in it was one of my favorite lines, “Hurt people hurt people.” The actress who played Florence in the movie said it to the actor she loved, Robert Greenberg. Robert struggled with OCD, was neurotic, jaded, and a 40-year-old guy. He had recently gotten out of a mental hospital, and was house sitting for his brother and family while they went to Vietnam on summer vacation. Robert's inability to live in the real world and his fear of dying and fear of everything else that living people have to do, left him with one job to perform while he was there, to build a dog house for the family dog (who happened to stay with him). Robert's brother's assistant, Florence, was left in charge of helping Robert. This was complicated by the fact that she was wounded from another relationship, Robert showed interest in her, and he couldn't drive a car. The movie had no plot except to depict how we all get into these relationships and someone gets hurt, and then that person goes on to hurt someone else. We all live it, and we all do it. Greenberg was also able to poignantly show that on the outside it is difficult to see these things. It is only when you are in it that you can see it, and then we are usually too deep in it to get out. Time and time again, Florence's best friend told Florence to leave Robert alone, that he was too messed up, but Florence recanted with, “He has a soft underbelly, he is the guy who leaves a party, and freaks out at something stupid.” She went on to say, “I like that.” Florence knew what she was getting and apparently liked the drama or rush that was involved with loving a guy like Robert Greenberg.

My husband hated the movie. He saw no purpose and thought the two people in the movie were both messed up. I liked it because I was able to watch it without counseling it. Besides, when you are looking in on it, you don't have to try and figure out what will work best. In this case, I don't think anything would work to help this couple exist and I am not sure it would be in either of their interests to stay together. To be sure, there are many couples in the “Greenberg situation.” What usually happens is they get divorced or break up in the hopes of getting together with someone else. It would be great if we could see them coming with a big “H” for hurt on their forehead and stay away from them. Many times, people who are hurt don't present as being hurt. They present as being vulnerable, shy, or aggressive. They may present as being funny or the silent type. We like them, and therein lies the problem. We see their pain and try to change them. We believe if we can understand them and are patient with them, they will come around and love again. With enough time, patience and understanding maybe one out of ten of them can and wants to change. If you are in love with one of the other nine, the odds are poor they will change or heal.

I have listed four main ways of hurting that hurt people are probably going to hurt you if you merge your life with theirs. The list could go on and on (for example I did not mention physical or sexual abuse), but if you identify any of these in a relationship prior to getting married, don't go there. If you are already married to a hurt person, try to seek counsel with someone who can help you unravel their mess from you. Hurt people have a way of making you feel shame, blame, and guilty for existing. These feelings may be felt deeper if you have become their enabler.

1. Stay away from anyone who makes you feel guilty for things in the past. The past is over, and you did not have the insight you have today. If a partner insists on continually bringing up the past to shame you, they are a hurt person and they are hurting you.
2. Hurt people hurt others by gossiping, criticizing, and judging others. When you notice this behavior confronting it may help, but most likely they will validate what they are saying by elevating themselves and putting another down. When that other is you it is easy to believe maybe you did something wrong, unfair, or selfish. Most likely, it is not you. The hurt person is trying to hurt you to justify their own pain.
3. Hurt people have been hurt in the past. This causes them to dwell on old thoughts, hurtful words, and behaviors. They project those hurtful memories on to you, especially when they are stressed (if you have been hurt you live in a stressful state most of the time).
4. Hurt people have difficulty seeing beauty. They live in the dark on many levels. If you talk to them about the beauty surrounding them they will usually tell you why it isn't beautiful. They are a downer to be around. They also may make you begin to feel heavier, and darker. Soon you may wonder why you are no longer happy or lighthearted. They may come around then and tell you what a bummer you are too be with. They may even tell you that you are the reason they feel so depressed or hopeless. When you hear this, it is time to get out.

Most likely, we all have the opportunity to attract a “hurt” person once or twice in our lives. It happens when we are down, didn't get the job we wanted, broke up with someone we loved, or our children left to go to school and we are alone. It isn't true we attract what we need. More likely, we attract what we are giving out. If you are feeling down, vulnerable, and sad, don't date. Better to wait until you are feeling at your best if you want to attract someone who is at their best.

Most of us know the importance of being honest with our partner and being able to discuss emotional concerns in an open manner. But now there is proof that behaving this way leads to higher quality relationships, as well as overall happiness. A research study from Ohio State University, led by Amy Brunell, confirmed that people who are able to see themselves clearly and objectively, while acting in ways that are consistent with their beliefs and interacting honestly and truthfully with others, have more positive dating, relationships and marriages. The study was researched using sixty-two heterosexual couples, all of whom were college students. They completed questionnaires in three separate sessions that took place about two weeks apart.

• The first set of questions sought to find how true the students were to themselves. The researchers called this “dispositional authenticity." This quality was measured through answers to such questions as: "For better or for worse, I am aware of who I truly am."
• In the second phase, the students answered questions examining various aspects of their relationship which included their willingness to discuss their emotions with their partner, and how comfortable they were at keeping secrets.
• The third phase involved measures of relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. This included a rating score of overall relationship and personal contentment and happiness.

Not surprising, those who were more self-aware and scored high on their dispositional authenticity (being true to themselves) also had the healthiest and happiest relationships. The study shed light on the importance of being aware of both your limitations and areas where you can grow stronger in your relationships. In the business of our lives we forget the importance of our own truths. We forget that we have flaws too, and being transparent (not defensive) with those flaws is as important as being transparent in regards to our partner's flaws. It is not usually our partner who destroys our happiness or relationship. It is more frequently us. Most marital conflict begins because we are no longer being true to ourselves. We tell our mother, “He hit me because he was worried and tired. It won't happen again.” Or we tell a good friend, “She didn't mean to offend you. She was drinking and didn't know what she was saying.” Our true self tells us we are living a lie, living with an abuser or a drunk, but because of our own fear we lie to ourselves and no longer are living our authentic self.

Do you think you are authentic but your partner isn't? Or is it your partner who is authentic and true to themselves and you have a difficult time being honest with your feelings? In all likelihood, you both have areas of weakness where you are less than honest, and areas that are less threatening and you are more honest. Many couples have an easy time telling their partner that they must quit smoking while they continue to overeat. Both are addictive behaviors and both can kill you. Try working together to inspire each other to become healthier. Below is a check list to see how you add up in regards to being authentic. The great thing about being real or comfortable in your own skin is you are completely free from what others think. Once you accept your limits, as well as your strengths, you no longer have to be worried that someone will find out you aren't perfect.

1. Do you understand that you chose your partner just the way they are? They don't have to change to be with you.
2. Do you tell your spouse the truth even if it means they are going to be upset? Can you trust them to be grateful for your honesty at all times?
3. Can you support your partner's dreams and help them come true? Can you honor their differences instead of trying to fix them?
4. Can you understand your ways of feeling close may not be your partner's? Can you embrace their ways and be respectful?
5. Are you brave enough to ask questions rather than make assumptions of what your partner meant?
6. Are you your own advocate? Can you tell your partner when you are hurt without blaming them or telling them what an evil person they are?
7. Are you aware of what brings you joy and express it when you feel it?
8. Do you realize your partner is not your property and they don't belong to you? Do you tell them how happy you are that they remain in your life by your side?
9. Are you able to stand by your faith and support your partner's faith? Do they have to believe the exact way you do, or are you strong enough that you can tolerate and learn from the way others practice their faith?
10. Can you express anger directly without blaming, judging or criticizing? When something bad happens do you always look for someone to blame? Do you blame yourself instead of forgiving yourself for your mistakes or weaknesses?

Being authentic means being real. Being real means being transparent with your weaknesses and strengths. When I make new friends I don't look for the flawless people because they are too much work. Perfect people are burdensome as they work so arduously to project perfection that they lose their ability to enjoy and have fun. Being real is one of the things we can change in our relationships to make them better immediately. If you need a quick study of “dispositional authenticity,” go to the park and watch little kids play. Their authentic self is still very much intact.

Cheating is destructive in any relationship. Men and women both cheat for varied reasons. Women seldom cheat for the physical reasons and almost always cheat due to emotional attachments. This makes sense as women are emotional beings. Most sex, as well as intimacy, happens in our minds long before it happens to us physically. We play all sorts of “scenarios” in our head of how making love to this person would be, and we entertain words we want to hear as well. Women look for different types of people to cheat with than men do.

A man may choose someone primarily on their looks or sex appeal. Women look at what the man does, how he behaves, as well as how emotional he can be with us. One of the primary reasons women cheat is because we feel that we aren't getting the attention we need or deserve from our partner. A woman gives up a lot of her power to her partner. This partner is responsible for making us feel desired, adored and loved. If this partner fails at displaying enough attention or reconfirming that we are most important, we become depressed and/or angry. We tell ourselves that we need to find someone else who will recognize our beauty and significance. This may put women in a position where an affair is likely.

There are other reasons that women cheat, including revenge, excitement, power, money, romance, falling in love or a difficult marriage (or relationship). When you look at all the reasons, it usually boils down to one very large and unavoidable issue. Having an affair has a lot to do with a low self-esteem. However, this reason won't stand up in the courts. Nor will it make your husband or partner any more forgiving. But, it is true.

Many of my female patients struggle with their self-esteem as well as their confidence. Some of the struggle is physical, including their body image, such as their feelings about their looks and their feelings of how those close to them feel about their looks. The struggle is also emotional. This includes their ability to feel educated, confident or worthy to their family and friends. When counseling a couple after the woman has cheated, the husband usually remarks, “I told you every day you were beautiful, so why did you do this to us?” She did it, because although he told her how beautiful she was, she couldn't believe it. She is a vase with a leak in it. No matter how much water he pours in, it will leak out. The vase has a leak, and in this marriage the wife has a leak that neither her husband nor anyone else can fill. She doesn't believe she is a worthwhile person.

Much of a counselor's job is trying to help the individual seal a leak. Childhood is where many of the leaks form. That's why we believe parenting is so vital. If you find yourself married to someone with a leak, or you personally feel like you have a leak, don't despair. There are ways to super glue your leak and feel whole again. I offer suggestions for you to begin today. Try to adapt them into your current lifestyle and also use them with parenting. The worst thing is not having a leak, but rather creating a leak in someone else.

Ways to glue a leak and maintain a healthy self-esteem:

1. Make a plan today to take better care of yourself.

   a. Go for a walk.

   b. Eat two more veggies today.

   c. Eat two more fruits today.

   d. Listen to your favorite music for 15 minutes.

2. Write someone a letter that has the truth in it. The raw, real truth about something that has been bothering you. Don't send it immediately, wait 24 hours.
3. Clean out one old drawer that you have been putting off.
4. Find one token of appreciation such as an award or where someone said something good about you. Get it out for display in your home.
5. Re-read thank you cards you have received. If you don't have any, do something nice for someone and you most likely will receive one.
6. Go to a prayer website and submit one prayer for yourself or someone else. God is big and He can handle many; you only need to submit one.
7. Do one simple wonderful thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it does have to be for you.

Living your life and never feeling fulfilled is a terrible way to live. In a marriage it may cause “tit for tat” behaviors, which can be a reason for cheating too. Begin today to fulfill yourself instead of expecting other people, friends or family to do it for you. Not getting what you needed as a child is unfortunate, but you are an adult now. It's time to add your own water.

Women have a concept of men wanting only one thing…SEX. It appears this way. We see it on TV and hear about it on the radio. We read about it in magazines, books, and on the Internet. It's true, and to deny it would be silly. However, there is more to it than just sex. I know because I counsel and listen to men every day. In fact many of my patients are men, and they have taught me things, which I hope to pass on to you (it is important to remember this is NOT every man, just as it is NOT every woman. You may be the exception to the rule.) Even men tire of sex for sex's sake. No matter how beautiful the woman, a man cannot be satisfied with one if there is no emotional attachment. What bonds a man with one woman in a long-term relationship is the intimacy they share. When women speak of intimacy, we are talking about being able to talk to the guy, being able to feel heard, being cuddled, and held. These things may or may not lead to sex, and we often resent when our man talks with us only to have sex. Intimacy to women is our words, and the ability to express and feel close to our man by using words. Men like this also, and it makes them feel good. However, men are physical. They need physical intimacy to secure themselves with their partner.

When women talk about men only wanting sex, the talk seems to present men in a shallow light. Men often times don't know how to respond so they agree or consent to this view. When they do this, the myth is continued of what men really want and what they need to feel connected. We (women) devalue their feelings and make light of the physical needs to bond. Women see their own needs and somehow elevate these as being more important than men's needs. This is unfair to both genders and it severs our ability to understand and meet each other's needs lovingly. To create a security within a relationship, focus on both men's and women's needs for intimacy.

For women (and many men), emotional intimacy depends primarily on trust, and frequently involves individuals discussing their feelings. Sex must begin on an emotional level for women. There are exceptions with this and the first one that comes to mind is the case of sexually abused women. Sex is more of a matter of control for these women, and they may not want to be vulnerable with emotions. When a woman says, "Let's talk first," she is not being coy or playing hard to get. A woman needs to feel an emotional bond before sex begins. We cannot help it. This is how we are wired. We need men to let down their guard, and to be vulnerable with us. We need men to share their feelings and dreams. Along with this, we need their touch, but we don't always need sex to be intimate.

For men, intimacy generally means physical intimacy. That is how they feel close to their partner. That does not mean they do not have an emotional connection, because for a lasting relationship, this is required. However, aside from sex as simply sex, men need the physical intimacy to feel loved. Sex alone is not enough, but it is more valued by them than words. Performing sex without feeling will not meet a man's needs for intimacy (unless he suffers from an addiction or psychological trauma in the past). Men do need to be touched, they need to be held. They need to be spoken to softly. Men are competitive with each other. Have you ever watched guys touch? It is usually a slap on the back, or a punch when they are laughing. They are “soft” with women, and they need this softness with women. Their cardiovascular health is improved with touch.

I think both sexes would be able to love each other much more effectively if we just quit thinking we understandd and began to listen. Male bashing or talking about women in trashy terms will never lead to healthy relationships or loving marriages. It will eventually destroy our families as well as ourselves. All changes begin with you and me. Here are a few more tips to build intimacy in your relationship:

1. Make a pact with your partner that for today you are going to judge less and listen more. A pact is a written agreement. Choose two behaviors you are no longer going to judge and let go.
2. Watch your partner. When you watch your partner, you learn to lecture less and appreciate the things they do that you never noticed before.
3. Teach your partner what you need. If you don't know what makes you feel close to your partner, how do you think they will know? We need to understand what makes us feel loved before another person can. Women who hint, never get what they need.
4. Take turns with talking and physical intimacy. If you need talking and he needs to hold you, change it up so that one time you begin intimacy by talking and one time you begin with physical holding or kissing.

The key with all great relationships is sharing a common vision. Whether it is doing mission work in Haiti or planning a flower garden, the vision must be shared and both people must invest effort. If you make intimacy a vision to share, you will be successful at having a long, loving relationship.

Emotional affairs (EAs) are sneaky and it is common to find out you are in one without really understanding when and how it happened. Facebook, instant messaging, texting, and tweeting have opened doors for emotional affairs to storm in and have also built the walls necessary to keep it secret. These are two of the absolutes for an emotional affair to exist. EAs begin innocently enough. They take place at work, school, happy hours, and coffee hours, almost anywhere whenever two lonely people can meet up one on one and talk. They begin with conversations about interests, their ex's or spouses, their kids, TV shows (American Idol was one of the hottest topics discussed by EA couples), and music. People are looking for a sense of belonging, understanding, and appreciation. They may not be getting that from their marriage or current relationships and turn to someone else who may have the potential to provide them with this. They usually don't begin an emotional affair on purpose and they may not be seeking physical closeness. They are lonely and feel vulnerable or unappreciated. Having someone validate that they are special and wonderful becomes a “drug” to them and before they know it they would rather spend time with this person than anyone else including their spouse, children, or close friends.

The key word that keeps an emotional affair in place is the title people call the person they are having an EA with. They call them “a friend.” Due to this title, it is almost impossible to get too concerned with the relationship as they are after all “just a friend.” It is confusing to the person having the EA also because Friend and Affair are in two different categories. However, when this “friend” begins to cause fighting in your own marriage, feelings of lust in you, and intense feelings that you have to see them right now or you will die, then you know they are no longer a friend, they are an EA. Why do we call this person a friend at all? That's an interesting question and one that is important to understand. When you are in love with your partner you share yourself when you talk. You express yourself in a way that your spouse understands as love even if it's talking about the bills, the kids, or your parents. Your partner and you share at an intimate level. When you take this same energy and focus it on another person, you lose the ability to continue sharing this intimacy with your partner. So the relationship you have with your partner begins to look more distant, more dry and brittle and the one you are having with your “friend” begins to blossom and get fuller. It begins to look like your true love. You begin to see faults in your partner that you may have overlooked before. At this point, you may not have physical relations with your friend, but they aren't far away if you continue this pattern.

How do you stop and notice if you are having an EA? Below are a few of the warning signs. If you have more than one of these in your current relationship, it is time to step back and make a sharp turn.

1. You begin to feel closer to your friend than you do your partner.
2. You keep it a secret from your partner (whenever there is something you need to keep secret from your partner, this is a red flag).
3. You begin to think of your friend all the time. You begin having sexual fantasies and you notice there is a sexual tension with the two of you.
4. You pay extra attention to how you look when you see this friend.
5. You try to find ways to be alone with this person.
6. You begin to lie for this person so no one will find out what is really going on.
7. Time of day is not important as long as you can see this person.

Stopping an EA is a lot easier said than done. Many people report taking small strides by eliminating their Facebook conversations or emails, but there is still the phone, and text. This makes the emotional affair even stronger as you are now building an additional risk trying to cut it off. Most experts in the field of marital therapy suggest cutting it off completely and fast. The reason this method works best is you get a chance to grieve it, and redirect your energy and time back into your relationship and partner. As long as there is even one form of communication open, the threat is still there. People have quit jobs, moved and changed passwords on email accounts as well as Facebook. After you cut off the affair, your life will feel empty and alone. Filling it with close friends, family and new hobbies will bring back stability in your life and relationship. The following are some quick tips to get you back and help you heal.

1. Take a class with your partner/spouse. Dance classes, financial classes, or a martial enrichment course are all good ideas. A new class or activity will help distract your thoughts from your friend, add novelty to your relationship and refocus attention to your marriage and/or relationship where it needs to be.
2. Make dates to get together with your friends. Filling your life with friends is marriage friendly and also helps prevent feeling isolated and lonely.
3. Do something for yourself. Get more involved in your spiritual activities, or exercise program. Taking care of you will reinforce your health and a healthy lifestyle (which will also exclude the EA).

Being involved in an EA does not cause divorce. Not ending one will. Noticing the signs and acting on them is the surest cure.

The War of the Roses was a movie about angry couples who tried to punish each other with extreme and devious plots. I see a simplified version almost every day when counseling couples. We all get angry at our partner from time to time, and wish we could punish them in some way that would eliminate their annoying or hurtful behavior. The problem with punishing someone is it cannot be done rashly and is not wise to do when you are angry and upset. Punishment is most effective when it is a natural consequence. An example of that would be if your husband refuses to grocery shop when you are out of town or away on business. When you get home and want to cook up a feast (because you want to please him) and there is no food in the house rather than running to the grocery store yourself, you eat leftovers. Leftovers are easier for you and he will learn that if he wants a nice dinner he has to do his part of the meal preparation. You don't need to yell; you can talk it over and explain. The War of the Roses' version is you get into a huge fight and end up yelling at him with a knife in your hands as you are chopping vegetables. Not productive and not changing anyone's behavior. Or maybe you are separated and your spouse wants the kids for the weekend. You pack their overnight bags with the baggy clothes (to show you need more money) or you send your child to your spouse with only half of what they need. You aren't happy, your spouse isn't happy, and the child is caught in the middle. No one wins in this mess. Is this your relationship right now? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you let yourself go because your partner is constantly looking at other attractive people and mentioning your weight is a problem?
2. Do you drink too much because you just want to feel numb or you want your partner to know you don't care?
3. Are you having an affair because your partner doesn't pay attention to you or has cheated on you in the past?
4. Do you not get your hair, nails, or any other self care because you don't want your husband to know you care?
5. Have you given up on yourself because you want the other person to know how much their words have hurt you?
6. Do you use sex as a weapon or form of punishment?
7. Do you turn to the children to have an emotional relationship because you are angry with their other parent?

There are many forms of punishing someone you love, but remember that they hurt your own self too. If, when you punish someone, it harms you or is unhealthy for your marriage and family, then I encourage you to engage in different behaviors.

Three effective behaviors to use instead of punishment:

1. Talk to your spouse. If you are angry, wait until you calm down. Write down what the problem is because that helps keep it clearer in your mind. It also takes the emotions out of it and you have less of a tendency to act irrationally. For example: “I am hurt that you left and we cannot work out our marriage. I don't think it is good for the children and every time I send them to you it is a sign that I failed.” This may be true or false, but if you feel it then it is honest and needs to be said rather than acted out.
2. Be flexible. Things don't always go our way. Sometimes your mate cannot do a chore (going to the grocery store) because they had to prioritize other things. If you are rigid or close-minded in your thinking, you will have a difficult time being married. Life is not black and white and sometimes the best intentions go undone.
3. Never forget your children are watching you. Did you know that bullies watch their adult parents punish each other? They know how to punish and many times they practice what they watch on someone they see as weaker than themselves. Wouldn't you rather have your child watch you forgive and accept your partner's faults?
4. Tone of voice and lack of affection may hurt your partner, but it can kill you. Studies support that anger, tone of voice, being hurt and not feeling or giving affection are traumatic to the heart. Yet, when we get angry or hurt these are the first weapons we use. We withdraw affection, intimacy, sex or use a harsh voice. How long do you need to punish someone with these tactics? The longer you use them, the more they will hurt you. Your partner may or may not feel punished.
5. Self-care is vital to your existence. When you stop taking care of yourself the ONLY person you are hurting is yourself. You are telling yourself that you are not a worthwhile, loveable person, and your children are watching. Children personalize what their parents say, not only by their words, but what they see their parents doing. Not taking care of you, whether it involves drinking, drugs, or becoming obese, are all ways people try to get back or punish someone. Many times anger and rebellion are underneath these behaviors. Your behavior may make your partner feel guilt, shame, or sadness, but what is it doing to you?

Most marriages would be healthier if they quit trying to punish each other and began to focus on trying to understand. Work with each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses. We all feel the need to punish our partners at some time. However, trying to punish someone else is missing the point. Instead, focus on caring for yourself when you are hurt by someone. Let go of the hurt and treat yourself to something that will make you feel cared for and special. Buy yourself flowers, or take a walk in a garden. Look at beauty, sketch, get your nails done, or meet a friend for coffee and a chat. The feelings of needing to punish someone will dissipate, and you will be more ready to talk after you have filled yourself up by doing something positive.

College used to be a time when dating was rampant. But now, 60% of all college students are female and 40 % are male. There doesn't seem to be enough males to go around. Women have given in to what everyone else is doing. That is, hooking up. A hook up is when you go out, meet someone and have sex just for one night. No strings attached, sex is casual and knowing them or their name is not necessary. In fact, the majority of hook ups are done under the influence of alcohol, so it is likely that if you did know their name, you wouldn't be able to remember it the next day.

In a recent article, Carolyn Bradshaw, from James Madison University in Virginia, explored factors that motivate college men and women to hook up or to date, as well as the perceived relative benefits and costs of the two practices. Bradshaw and her team exposed 150 female and 71 male college students from a southern, public American university to a variety of dating or hooking up situations. There was a situation when there was potential for a relationship, a situation when the partner had a great personality and a situation when drinking was involved. They asked the students the extent to which they would prefer dating or hooking up in each situation. The participants were also asked to pick the top three benefits and top three risks associated with dating and hooking up from a checklist, as well as provide details of their dating and hooking up activities over the past two years.

Even though men initiated significantly more first dates than women, there was no gender difference in the number of first dates or number of hookups. For both men and women, the number of hookups was nearly double the number of first dates. Overall, both genders showed a preference for traditional dating over hooking up. However, of those students who strongly preferred traditional dating, there were significantly more women than men (41 percent vs. 20 percent). Of those who showed a strong preference for hooking up, there were far fewer women than men (2 percent vs. 17 percent). The study also clearly found two truths with this group of students. Women, more than men, seem to want a relationship. Their fear of hooking up is that they will become emotionally attached to a partner who is not interested in them. Men, more than women, seem to value independence. Their fear of hooking up is that even though it is meant to be casual, the woman may seek a relationship.

According to Paula England, Ph.D., hook ups prioritize male pleasure. Her study regarding hook ups found men to orgasm 44% of the time while female's orgasm only 19% of the time. Men may feel like they are in a candy store with hook ups being so common and available, but according to Kathleen Bogle, Ph.D., a double standard still exists. Women who slept around with several men and had casual sex suffered being talked about negatively and their reputation was tarnished, Men, on the other hand, may be applauded for it. When surveyed, the majority of women who did have casual sex felt bad about it the next day and, most likely, it was due to something deeper than their reputation. Many women surveyed reported that at first they thought it was okay to have casual sex, but when they did they found themselves beginning to like the guy, and then they wanted more than just casual sex. They were distraught when they would tell the guy they were beginning to have feelings and he would only say, “I thought you knew this was only casual.”

If you are having a hook up in hopes that it will turn into a real relationship, you are deluding yourself. Hook ups are set up for casual intimacy and sex, and many times if you did know this person, they wouldn't be someone you would want to date. If you want to quit the hook ups and begin to date, these suggestions may help you get started.

1. Look for someone who isn't with someone new every night (sounds like a no brainer, but we aren't always rational when we lust after someone).
2. Look for someone who has other interests besides drinking (they may seem more fun, but no one looks good in bed when they are throwing up, or slurring their words).
3. Find someone who wants to know you before you have sex (if they aren't interested in you prior to sex, they won't be after).
4. Find someone you can talk to (this is the essence of every relationship, no matter what they tell you).
5. The best people to have an intimate relationship with are the people you have been friends with prior to becoming intimate with them. They know you and, most likely, will try their best not to hurt you.

The point of most of these studies was clear in that everyone prefers dating over a hook up, when it is in the context of a possible long term relationship. When the relationship is not mentioned, men prefer hook ups to dating more than women. So ladies, be sure about what you want. If you want a relationship, then stick to dating. You may not have as much action as those having hook ups, but you will remember his name in the morning (and he yours) and will have earned self-respect by taking care of yourself.

This Mother's Day, along with the flowers, candy, brunches, and sweet cards, it may be wise to sit back and recognize the woman you call Mom. In the Wizard of Oz, the great wizard was an old man behind a curtain pulling levers to make the great Oz look magnificent. In most of our lives, the one behind the curtain pulling levers to make everything look great or feel great (including us) is our mom. She has been there since our birth providing for us, guiding us and trying to do everything within her power to make us the best we can be.

The importance of mom has not been lost on the United States government. War tactics have changed where female soldiers are going in to the villages to talk to the women (moms) to appeal to their sense of educating their children for a brighter tomorrow. They understand this will be successful because they too know that moms are focused on building communities, families, and ultimately want the best for their children.

Pharmaceuticals appeal to moms because they understand women not only take care of their own health, but they take care of the whole family's health. If you can teach a mother to eat healthy, you will influence her whole family for generations to come. Being a mom is more than taking care of your child. It is changing the future for generations to come. There is an old saying that “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world,” and indeed that is played out in every family almost every day. For the first time in US history, the majority of families are single parent families, and the majority of those are run by mom. She is at the peak of most advertizing dollars, and most daytime TV shows adjust their venues to what will be appealing to mom. Moms are still 100% invested in their children and their children's welfare, even when they get a scowl from you because you cannot have that junk food you wanted.

This year for Mother's Day I have ideas of how teens can make their moms feel really special. There is one premise you must understand as you go through this list. By the time you are a teen your mom has a deep pride, but also carries a sense of nostalgia with her. She looks at you and remembers how you were as her little baby; that same face you give her at times, she remembers when it had only two teeth. She may feel “replaced” by your new active life, and although she is proud that you are growing up into a healthy adult, she wishes she could wrap her arms around you and keep you safe in her care forever. These tips are going to help mom understand that you understand how great you think she is.

Tips for Teens Celebrating Mom on Mother's Day:

1. Write your mom a letter and list 25 things you love about her. She will most likely frame this and nothing will make her day feel more right.
2. Tell your mom you are taking her on a “Momcation.” A momcation is typically a getaway for mom. Since you don't see her as much, and when you are there you are talking on the phone or doing homework, planning to get away with “just her” will make her feel special. It doesn't have to be overnight or expensive. Her momcation could be lunch at the park (make sure you make it), a coffee talk, a walk to the grocery store (carry the groceries), or anything that gets you alone with mom where you are actively engaging with her.
3. Make her favorite dinner or brunch at home. Invite your dad and siblings too, or invite her best friend. Moms love showing off their thoughtful teen.
4. If you are the artistic type, sketch a picture, make a mug or a pot for plants. You could write her a song and then perform it for her. Moms watched and encouraged your interests while you were growing up. They delight in seeing “hints” of the past in what you are doing now.
5. This is the most difficult one, but maybe the most important. If you feel that you have been disengaged or moody as of late, talk to your mom and try to explain what has been going on. No one will ever forgive or welcome your confession more than mom.

No matter what you do with your mom (wizard) on Mother's Day, make sure you think of what she would like. No one has a mom like you, and what you decide may not be what Hallmark recommends, but it will be what she loves best! Have a wonderful day with your mom.

I was the sixth child to whom my mother gave birth. Her first words when she saw me were, “Each one gets sweeter.” It may have been the Oxytocin (the feel good hormone) but I don't think so. It couldn't have been the labor drugs affecting her thoughts, because she gave birth totally naturally to all nine of her children. I believe it was my mother's true feelings at the time. She looked at me as a blessing she had received from a Divine Creator who had given her a gift. My mother derived joy from watching children, especially her own, learn new concepts and ideas. She was a school teacher all of my childhood and most of my adult life, and although she taught me most of what matters to me now, I still have days when I just want her hug, and one more evening of sitting in her kitchen drinking coffee and talking to her about life. My mother is my concept of love. Her hug felt like no other hug I have ever received, and her frown or disappointment was enough to break my heart. I believe the most important lesson my mother ever taught me though was how to let go of someone you love so much and let life help you live again.

My mother gave birth to a son named Anthony when I was 11 months old. Anthony was an exact image of my dad, except he had golden curly hair (my father's was black). His birth meant my mother had three babies in diapers the summer Anthony arrived. She was exhausted, I am sure. Anthony grew as did I, and although I don't remember him there are photos of the two of us. On Christmas Eve, five months after Anthony was born, he developed a fever and was irritable. My parents had no money and seven kids, so they tried to do what they could to control the fever. It did not go away, and thus they took him to the doctor. The doctor gave him medication and sent my parents home thinking nothing out of the normal. I am sure he wanted to be with his family during the holidays. My parents gave Anthony the medication and celebrated Christmas morning as usual. I was only 16 months old at the time, so I cannot tell you what I remember from that day. The night after Christmas Anthony became very ill. He began seizing and my parents were frantic. We lived far away from the hospital and had no phone, so my mother ran across to our neighbors to call an ambulance. The ambulance came and they began CPR and drove fast, but Anthony died anyway. It is a grief that runs deep in my family and we all still celebrate Anthony's birthday. What is even more bizarre is that my mother gave birth to another son named Timothy on what would have been Anthony's first birthday.

I expected my mother to go through a deep depression, but she didn't. She told me she had no time for that. She had too many children, too much debt and my father needed her to be strong for all of us and for their marriage. I asked my mother if she resented that. Did she feel that she wasn't able to grieve it? She responded “NO.” She was grateful God had given her so many responsibilities to keep her from thinking about it. She explained to me that losing a child was the worst thing she had ever endured. She said when Anthony died she felt like she had too. But she didn't. She didn't die because she had faith that God would give her a way to get through this. I asked her what that was. What had God given her to get through? She said, ”The laundry, the dishes, dirty diapers, babies needing to be rocked, school work, and a husband who was grieving too, and so they hung on to each other.”

My mother never lived to see how my job progressed or what paths I chose to take. She knew I had become a psychotherapist, and when I would talk to her about some of the things people deal with in therapy she was always in awe. She was curious about why people spent so much time trying to heal themselves? Didn't they know when you have children you basically have to hang on tighter to keep the marriage healthy? What was it about becoming a parent they didn't understand? She couldn't understand why moms spent so much energy playing with their children when they were young, and then avoided all of the important issues regarding their health and sexuality as they grew older. Who did they expect would teach their children about sex and health? She was an advocate of parents, and she understood no one can ever teach your child about their body or their personal health as much as a loving mom or dad. My mother had a keen sense that what kept a child secure and helped promote their success as an adult was having a strong marriage and engaging the children in the family. Although she had nine children, she had sacred time for her and my dad scheduled into their daily activities. I don't ever remember not seeing them hug, and although I did witness them arguing, I also learned what it looked like for married people to “make up” and forgive. She wasn't trained in psychotherapy. She was a woman who left the Air Force and chose teaching as a career. She knew children from her teaching and from what she came home to every day of her life.

Watching her live as I grew up and learning more about her baby (my brother) dying, I learned that even though you love your children, you hang on to their father and your marriage. No one gets through parenting without grieving. Hopefully it isn't a child's death, but death of a close friend, your child's first heart break, that first bad report card, and numerous other disappointments. Grieving is easier if you don't have to do it alone. Mostly, she taught me that no matter what I ever did, it wouldn't be bad enough to be rejected by her. Mistakes were an opportunity to teach natural consequences. She got angry alright, but she forgave and let go. Her ability to let go helped her leave this earth when it was her time, and I doubt she ever looked back. Once again, she was following my dad.