Every human tells lies and they lie to save themselves. Unless you are being tortured or threatened that someone will take your life or someone’s life you love, lies are a way to help us feel less guilty, less embarrassed, less responsible for what we did, or vindicated for what we failed to do. When someone is lying to you there is only one person who should be defensive or worried, and that’s the liar. If you are receiving the lie then stepping back, being curious, and detaching are important so you don’t become the person who is out of control. The worst thing about being lied to is the voice you hear loudly inside telling you that you are being lied to, and the person lying to you thinks you don’t know. It’s humiliating, confusing, and because of the feelings you feel, you may go along with the lie just to avoid the upheaval of dissecting and resolving the lie.

Going along with the lie the liar told is much different than believing the lie. In fact, many couples that come to see me have relationship issues that are the result of having a “lie” shared between the two of them. These lies can be the manifestation of many different issues the liar tried to cover up, but most of the time the lie is about a previous relationship of one of the partners that wasn’t ever truly resolved. What is most fascinating is that the liar may still be lying with his or her mouth, but their body is telling both their spouse and me the truth. In my own professional opinion, I believe the partner knows their partner is lying to them, but they want me to say it because they cannot bear confronting the lie again. 

A typical lie may look like this…in fact, this is a real question I received from a viewer who asked me what I thought. I could not answer it without seeing the couple, but what do you think? 

Mary Jo, I found out that my husband is still talking to his ex girlfriend online. I confronted him about it and he told me he never replied to her. I was reading all of his messages, and it shows that he does reply back to her. What can I do? Stephanie.

It is obvious this guy is lying to his wife, but many lies are not this blatant. In fact, people go to great lengths to hide their lies, and often it is very difficult to ascertain the truth. In fact, for many couples there is a point where the truth is so distorted and nebulous that they give up on ever hearing the real truth. When the non-lying partner reaches this point they have taken control of the situation. It is here where they can make their wisest decisions going forward. They no longer need the exact truth, because they see their partner for whom and what they are. It is at this point that they can usually tell their partner, “I know you have lied to me, and I forgive you. I cannot forget what you did, but I do recognize that you lied due to a weakness within yourself, and I won’t take responsibility for your weakness.”

Couples ask me if there is such a thing as being married or committed to someone who has never lied. As a professional, I would have to say, “No.” Since everyone lies, I think it is more reasonable to believe you may have been lied to. I also think the wiser choice is to watch what words come out of your own mouth and make them as honest as possible to your partner and anyone else’s life you touch. Making this your practice, you may be able to go to sleep at night and know in your own heart of hearts that you don’t lie. I think I should mention the few times I have heard a spouse say (to their partner and me in my office) that they never lied. Their body was restless and their eyes were darting side to side. My voice inside told me…they’re lying.

To be remembered: There are people who are Pathological Liars. This article does not include them. Pathological Liars have a mental illness much different from the norm and if you are in a relationship with a Pathological Liar your wisest decision would be to flee the situation. If you are married to a Pathological Liar, they need Cognitive Behavioral Counseling and medication to improve their condition.

Study after study is shedding light on the perils of dropping out of high school. Besides not being able to make a reasonable living, own your own home, and have a comfortable retirement, you also may never be able to find time to get married. It is projected that within one or two years, less than half of the U.S. adult population will be married. This fact has social implications. The steady decrease in marriage rates is not only changing family values but it is contributing to the family’s economic inequality.

The Pew Research Center reports that in 1960 nearly three-fourths of adults eighteen and older were married. By 2010, that number was down to fifty-one percent. What is perhaps more disturbing is that four out of ten babies are born to unmarried women. In 1960, it made no difference if you were educated or not. Your chances of being married were the same. Now, nearly two-thirds of college graduates are married as compared to less than half of those with a high school diploma or less. The less education you have, the less likely you are to marry, and the more likely you will divorce if you do marry.

What came first? Did couples who weren’t educated choose not to be married because they didn’t want the additional financial burden? Or do people who quit school do so due to their parents’ marital stress they witness as children, leaving them feeling isolated, alone and as if no one cares? Is quitting school at fifteen a better option if they can find a job and get out of a chaotic home? There are so many questions with the Pew Research Center results, and people in the field of saving as well as promoting marriage and healthy families are trying to come up with solutions. It’s imperative that we do something as a society because we know that being raised in a stable, two-parent household is a strong predictor of educational achievement. Taking that one step further, educational achievement does predict your lifetime income.

There is another change that researchers in the field are finding. In our parent’s generation, men and women married down or up at an equal level. Now couples are marrying who share degrees or levels of education. Women are going to college and getting advanced degrees at a higher rate than ever before. The higher educated couples are so much better off financially than the single parents or the couples without education. But couples at the lower end of the economic ladder are having more kids. These kids are growing up with one parent and no money. The cycle is sure to worsen if we don’t do something about it now.

Cohabitation is different among the educated as well. Among the college or advanced degree couples, co-habitation is more likely a stepping-stone after engagement to be married. With the uneducated, co-habitation is often the end of the road. Sometimes they will co-habitat in an effort to save money for a wedding and a residence. However, children may be born into this lifestyle more likely than not and a recent report from Smartmarriages.com reported that three-fourths of children born into co-habitation see their parents split up by the age of twelve. Those are bad odds for kids. Those are bad odds for us as a society. 

There is no one solution to this problem. In a fantasy world, we would mandate that every child finish high school and get some sort of higher education after high school. We would teach boys and girls to focus on their careers, and tutor them as well as their parents if they began falling behind. We would mandate every parent to get an education prior to bringing another baby into the world. But we don’t live in a fantasy world; this complicated problem will require many experts to become involved. As an expert in relationships, I think it all goes back to the parents. Parents have to be parents again. We need to quit thinking the government is more responsible than we are, and we need to quit relying on the government to give us stuff, and begin working toward the betterment of our own lives and the lives of our children. Below are a few suggestions that can begin to help turn the next generation around:

1.     Before you ever have a child, have a secure relationship. Do not have a child in a co-habitation lifestyle. No one benefits.

2.     Before you marry, get pre-marital counseling. It is more worth your money than anything I can think of.

3.     If you are married and have no money, take a few classes at a time (there is free money out there, but you have to talk to the institution about eligibility). Education is the liberator of your situation. Don’t waste your time begging, stealing, or blaming. Put that energy into reading, learning, and writing.

4.     If you grew up with abuse, and you are using that as a reason why you cannot go to school or do better as an adult, it is not going to help you. Abuse is wrong and tragic, and I am sorry it happened, but you don’t need to repeat that cycle. It takes strength, but so does feeling bad all the time and continuing the pain of abuse on to your children.

5.     If your child is having trouble in school, listen to what the teacher says and be willing to work with them. Your child may be the one that breaks the cycle…but they cannot break it without your help and encouragement.

I grew up in a poor family, but poor doesn’t have to mean uneducated. My mother was a teacher and when I was discouraged with what I didn’t have as compared to others, she told me that. I watched both my mother and father work hard, get taken advantage of, and work harder. Their work was a form of prayer for them, and I believe that is how they survived. They did not blame; they felt lucky to be an American. There were problems then, there are problems now, but if we aren’t all part of the solution, we are part of the problem. Taking the time to encourage a kid’s work ethic, or inspiring them through your work with a church, school, or scout program goes a long way in being part of the solution.

My brand is empowering women and the men who love them, so I was naturally drawn to a study published in the Journal of Sex that suggested empowered women have less sex than women who are dominated by men. The study was done at Johns Hopkins University, which is a school that has an outstanding academic record for students and faculty alike. With all studies, it depends where they are done, and in this case the subjects were in Africa. Researchers surveyed women from six African countries and the results showed the more dominant the women (in Africa dominant means they can choose their own shampoo, toothpaste, and shoes), the less physical intimacy they shared with their partners. The study was really testing the decisions that a woman could make on her own instead of asking her husband. The findings showed that more dominant and assertive women had approximately 100 times less sex.

Some women may be discouraged with this news, but I am elated! Research has shown that the more empowered women become, the more cautious they are with engaging in sex.  Men, on the other hand, take more chances and engage in riskier sexual encounters when they feel better about themselves.  In Africa, for women to have sex frequently and submissively is a death sentence. It makes sense that if women feel good about themselves, they will be pickier and decide to use appropriate protection. The HIV prevalence rate in these countries is anywhere from 5% to 14%. In some African nations, it is more likely a woman will have an increased chance of getting HIV after marriage. This is not true in the United States.

Do empowered women have less sex with their husbands in the United States? Like all things, we have to define “empowered.” I describe empowered as being educated, aware, and knowledgeable about your body, emotions, and sexuality. I believe the more that girls/women focus on their interests instead of gaining the security of a boy/man, the more likely they will be able to be a loving, equal partner who can co-lead a family and offer stability within the marriage. Raising children and working at a healthy marriage takes two people. Women who are unsatisfied with their role make their partner’s life miserable. Blaming your partner because you aren’t knowledgeable about your body and what makes it feel good is unfair and irresponsible. Women who feel good about their bodies have better (frequency is not measure of better) sex in their marriage because they feel equal to their partner and understand the health benefits of sex.

Children who grow up with a strong mom who is gentle but also firm, knowledgeable about her body, open to teaching them about theirs, and direct with her expression of feeling (without being insensitive to theirs) grow up respecting women and understanding their value. Many families are lacking these empowered women mentors though, so  how do we teach girls/women to be assertive without being insensitive to others feelings? How do we teach them that they don’t need a boyfriend, but an interest to pursue in life? How do we teach them to understand and know their body so magazine ads and other media sources cannot turn them into women who hate their bodies and feel totally disconnected from them? It begins with teaching them to honor themselves enough and to explore their options. Here are a few other suggestions to help empower women so they can make wise choices with sexual partners.

1.     Quit focusing on abstinence and instead focus on helping girls decide what they want to do with their lives. Empowered girls who feel better about themselves make better choices with securing a partner.

2.     The focus should be on being your best self, not a magazine photo of an airbrushed beauty. I recently did a story on HLN that depicted moms of beauty pageant toddlers now giving their young toddlers “pixie sticks” to eat so they would behave perkier. This is not empowerment, no matter what the moms say.

3.     Focus on how you talk to your daughter’s other parent. Are you disrespectful of him? Moms teach daughters (and sons) how to talk to their dad (and future men). Respect your child’s other parent because empowered women respect men.

4.     Never tell your daughter that she shouldn’t feel the way she does. A feeling is never right or wrong; it just is. Validate her feelings even if you don’t agree…she has a right to how she feels.

Empowering women, daughters, or anyone doesn’t mean you become their best friend. No gender is more or less than the other, as we need both men and women. Empowering women doesn’t mean “de-powering” men.  When you are someone who empowers others, you believe in encouraging, educating, and being a mentor. Empowerment like most things begins at home.

The biggest discrepancy between men and women is the way they look at relationships. Women need a relationship to have sex. Guys need sex to have a relationship. That says everything. Guys could do without the relationship if they just had sex, most of the time. Women think they could do without the sex if they had a great relationship. But…they can’t, nor should they. Women’s ambiguous feelings toward sex and relationships tend to initiate most of the conflict within the relationship and marriage. It’s not that women don’t want sex; it’s simply that they want the relationship more. Guys cannot understand this, and they go to great lengths to try and “trick” the system, but the system is set in place, and the only one who gets tricked is the guy and whoever he is in a relationship with.

Typically, when men marry they feel a sense of accomplishment. They found someone to share their life with, help them face their battles and be their sexual companion. They may want kids, and trust this woman to help raise the children to grow up to be responsible adults. Women want all of this, and more. They want a relationship. They want to share their lives with their partner and feel connected. Women achieve this connection by talking in an intimate setting.

Men talk about this need to talk, and may joke about it, but they really don’t understand the importance of it until they are in their mid forties. Up until that time, it seems unnecessary to many men, and they draw no correlation between their ability to communicate with their wives and the frequency of sex they engage in. They should. Men are making a huge mistake if they tease or belittle this need for closeness that women have. Women cannot fight the need, and the majority of affairs women have are due to their finding another partner who addresses their need for verbal closeness. It’s not right, but it happens, and it happens much more frequently than the men to whom they are married could ever imagine. When men find out their spouse has cheated they are justifiably angry and tell her, “How could you do this to me?” “I gave you everything.” “Anything you wanted, I did for you.” “Why?”

He may have done a lot, given a lot, but he assumed his wife loved him the way he loved her. She didn’t. She wanted a relationship and that was the one thing he could not/did not give her.

Cheating is never an acceptable solution to any problem, but not understanding why cheating occurred makes you more vulnerable to it happening again. If you are a guy, don’t assume that once you marry your emotional work is done. If you are a woman, talk to your partner and tell them directly what you need. They cannot guess, nor should they. If you can’t admit to what you need to feel sexual with them, or connected with them, then seek counseling.  Marriages that express more anger are marriages where sex has been limited or used as a weapon. If you use sex as a way of getting back or hurting your partner, it will backfire on you when you least expect it. How do couples make sure they emotionally connect in a world where both people are working, traveling or have kids to take care of? It’s not that difficult, but the need for an emotional as well as a sexual connection has to be valued. These suggestions will help bring more intimacy into your new year:

1.     Couples who talk about their sex life have a more intimate closeness and engage in sex more frequently. Set aside ten minutes each day to be together, hold hands and talk. One of the biggest problems with sex is talking about it. Suffering in silence is not recommended, nor is blaming or shaming.

2.     If you feel “dead” or “numb” when you make love, that is a problem. Go to your physician and ask for a referral to an Urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. If the feelings are more due to conflict in your relationship, begin with a counselor.

3.     When you notice distance in your relationship, confront it directly. Passively waiting for it to “blow over” is being neglectful of the most important relationship in your life.

4.     No relationship or marriage just ends. There are warning signs. A fever means you are getting sick; withdrawal means someone is unhappy in the relationship.

5.     Frequency of intercourse is a matter of personal preference. As a general rule, once a week is a good place to begin. Many of my patients have gone for a year without sex; this is too long. It isn’t healthy physically or emotionally for either partner. Intercourse is only one type of intimacy; there are unlimited ways to show physical and emotional intimacy.

Many influences in our lives dictate our comfort with our sexuality. Talking about these influences and encouraging your partner to trust you with their feelings are integral parts of a healthy marriage. Feeling ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality and blaming your partner because they enjoy their sexuality is self righteous and demeaning. When one partner is unhappy with the frequency of sex in their marriage, the worst thing you can say is, “I’m going to leave and find it elsewhere.” The best thing you can do as a couple is to address the issue together. Go to the physician and counselor together. Intimacy and sex is the glue that holds a healthy marriage together, but it must include a verbal/emotional connection to enhance the symbolism. After all, meaningless sex is everywhere, hence its name. 

“A good way to change someone’s attitude is to change your own, because the same sun that melts butter hardens clay.” – Unknown

The New Year is a time of transformation in your relationship. You know what didn’t work, and you know what sometimes worked, so it’s time to prepare to get your relationship back on track. We spend a lot of money and time buying our gym memberships and cookbooks to get our body in shape, but we forget our relationship needs a plan too. Your relationship can be neglected in all types of ways. Letting your body go, using food, cigarettes, alcohol or drugs to manage chronic stress all affect how we relate to ourselves as well as our partner. We get bombarded with losing weight ads, new healthy foods to try, as well as new exercise workouts. The best workout for your relationship and the quickest way to feel connected and encouraged in your relationship is to have sex with your partner. Not only that, every cell in your body responds in a positive way when you have sex in a committed, healthy relationship. Couples who have sex are healthier, more connected and less depressed. What drug could offer you all of that and more?

Many women are reluctant to engage in this new “workout” of adding frequent sex to their marriage. The kids, the chores, their busy schedule, as well as their partners has them feeling frazzled and beat down. They no longer feel sexual, or perhaps they feel it is too much work. Statistics support that up to 40% of women lose their libido or struggle with feeling sexual toward their partner. There may be medical as well as self esteem issues causing this problem, but research also suggests that engaging in the act of love making itself can begin to help women feel more sexual and alleviate depression and anxiety. A big part of this issue is marital discord.

 When women no longer feel close to their partner, it is difficult for them to want to have sex, and many times this loss of connection fuels the feelings of depression and anxiety that sex would help alleviate. A vicious cycle is difficult to break, unless women begin to understand they aren’t having sex for anyone but themselves and their health. When women can begin to see sex as a way of promoting their own health, they won’t use it as a form of punishment when they are not connected with their spouse. Sex should never be used as a bribe or a reward anymore than eating healthy or exercising should be. Sex is an expression of love, connection, and a form of taking care of yourself. One should eat healthy because your body needs good food to function well, and you should exercise to help alleviate stress and keep your body in good shape. Sex, eating well and exercise are all cheaper and healthier than a psychotherapist, physician, or medications.

The loss of connection is no little thing, and many times it underlies depression, which compromises ones’ ability to enjoy life. However, using this loss of connection as an excuse for not exercising, not eating healthy, or not engaging in sex is being irresponsible. This new year, step up to the plate. Confront the real issues, but keep them separate from taking care of yourself. If you have problems with low libido, there are many medical/emotional reasons that can cause you to feel dead inside. Below are suggestions of where you and your partner should begin.

1.     Make an appointment with your physician and tell them you would like to be referred to an urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. No matter if you are a man or a woman, this should be addressed for your health and the health of your marriage.

2.     There is a wonderful website for couples called www.middlesexmd.com. I am an expert for this group, as well as several other professionals. It is run by a physician who specializes in sexual issues. Go to the site as a couple, read the articles and talk about them as a couple.

3.     If you grew up thinking sex was dirty, you have to make “new tapes” in your head. Religion can be wonderful to inspire and encourage people, but it can also make people feel shamed or inhibited about their sexual health. You are an adult; it’s time to reassess what those old tapes are telling you.

4.     Couples deal with a sexual issue better than you can deal with it on your own. Talk to your partner about your feelings. Guys, you need to take time, and sit with your partner and LISTEN. Don’t tell her she’s crazy or you don’t understand. Tell her you love her and you are sure your love can see her through this. If guys have the low libido, ladies, be as loving and supportive as I have suggested (1/3 of all men deal with erectile dysfunction).

When I first began as a psychotherapist, I was trained to do marital therapy only. After two months I quickly realized I needed additional sexual training. Almost every marriage that is struggling has a sexual component. When sex stops, one person is feeling rejected, and most likely they use sex to project that feeling on to their partner. Let’s stop this cycle in the New Year. Ladies, become the initiator in love making for a healthier and happier 2012.

Getting “let go of,” separated or “dumped” is one of the most humiliating, depressing, and emotionally difficult experiences most of us will ever go through. For many couples, feeling more distance and tension are preludes that their partner isn’t happy and wants out of the relationship. Many of those same couples assume their partner will wait until after the holidays to lower the boom, not imagining anyone could be so cruel as to break it off during this time of year. When the split happens prior to or during all of the festivities, it leaves you feeling shocked, abandoned, desperate and depressed. Along with the actual break up, the holidays come at the worst time of year with shorter days and longer nights. When this happens to you, it is unwise to try and convince your partner to hang on for a few more weeks or shame them into re-committing to you.

When men or women call me for advice, telling me they have been dumped, it would be easier for me to tell them what not to do. Don’t give your ex a call to come over for sex, and don’t harm their property or body. If you have kids, don’t use the kids to try and cajole them to come back. Although these points seem obvious, when you are in the panic and desperation of wanting your “old life back,” these ideas seem logical. Make no mistake, they are not. Your partner will use them for reasons why you are too crazy for them and why they have to exit the relationship.  There will be very few ways to comfort yourself with immediate soothing; however, with time and taking some control back with these suggestions, it won’t be long before you are feeling stronger.

1.     Reach out and help someone else. A study in Personnel Psychology noted that there is a 25% improvement in mood when helping others. The less you focus on yourself right now the better.

2.     If at all possible, get away for the holidays. No matter when a break-up happens, the first holiday alone is bad. Go somewhere or make plans to spend the holidays with someone.

3.     Don’t wait for the New Year to join a gym. You won’t feel like exercising, but you need to go. The endorphins that are released during a gym work out help alleviate depression and anxiety.

4.     Journal your thoughts, and write at least one thing you are grateful for each day. Take your journal to bed with you and place it on a side table. When you cannot sleep, write. It helps to get your thoughts out on paper. Feeling grateful despite your misery helps it hurt less.

5.     Counseling can help, and most counselors have extended hours during the holidays. A counselor will help guide you through the trenches immediately following a break up. They also help you focus on the big picture when this small piece feels like your whole life.

6.     No one should go through a break up without good friends and family. This is a time to be able to ask for support. Many of your friends and family probably saw the break up coming long before you did.

It is important to remember that only those who love can suffer a broken heart. Everyone has their heart broken at some point in their life. There is no doubt that the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” was written for the person being dumped. There is a universal truth that you should repeat if this happens to you, “If it ended, it was broken.” Some things cannot be glued back together when they are broken. You can enjoy a meaningful holiday anyway! 

I answer viewer questions for Fox 26 each week on my segments, “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo.”  I didn’t have time to answer this letter from Jane, so I decided to write the answer in my blog this week.

 Dear Mary Jo,

“When you are starting to date someone and you enjoy their company, but do not have any real desire for them...how do you know if you should give it time to grow? Is it foolish to date where there is no 'spark,' hoping that will come with time? (In my experience, it has never grown, if not there to begin with). How much time is fair to avoid hurting the other person if you know they are into you, but you don't return the same level of attraction?

Thank you, Jane.

The answer to these types of questions is difficult, and there are no right or wrong answers. Some of the best marriages I have ever seen were arranged, and some of the worse relationships I have ever seen consisted of people who had an abundance of spark, but nothing else in common.  We all talk about chemistry or spark, but what is it and by what is it defined? For some, chemistry means the other person is “cute” or “hot;” for others it may mean they are an intellect and share career interests. Dating usually implies that you are meeting people you want to see again. I cannot imagine getting dressed and ready to go to a play or an event with someone for whom I felt no interest or with whom I didn’t want to be. As you read my answer you may think of other things that would be helpful to share with Jane. Your comments are appreciated, so long as you consider “helping and encouraging her,” because she is stuck right now, and trying to do the right thing.

Dear Jane,

I want to thank you for trusting me with your question and I am hoping I can offer things to think about and question within yourself, to help you find your answers.  Dating should be fun and it allows you to get to know people in an intimate setting. Like any relationship, it should be done as honestly as possible. When you are transparent, you allow the other person to know you, and free yourself from trying to be what you aren’t. If you pretend to like this guy and keep it going when you really aren’t interested, that is deception. Being honest doesn’t have to be mean, something as simple as, “I think you are a really neat person (if he is), but I have some things I need to work out in my own head right now, and I need to take a break from seeing you anymore.”  Of course that is my script…you can change it however you wish as long as you stay honest with your own part (spark happens; it’s not something anyone is to blame for or feel badly about).

You also asked if spark ever comes when it isn’t there initially. There is no one answer to that question, Jane.  In a healthy marriage, couples may experience their spark growing and dimming only to repeat this cycle.  A relationship also grows, but with dating, there has to be something there to keep you wanting to continue the dates. That leads us to the last portion of your question. When the other person does feel a spark and you don’t, how long should you continue the relationship? This is where you have to become very honest with yourself by asking yourself these questions.

1.     What am I afraid of if I let this one go?

2.     What specifically (write them down) makes this person void of spark?

3.     What specific combination makes me feel a spark? Many women who like bad boys were raised with dads who didn’t treat their moms very nice. These women may say they would never marry or date a guy like their dad, but the unfinished business in their heads attracts them to a bad boy like a moth to a flame. Many moms who were bored with their partners couldn’t hide their boredom from their daughters. When their daughters meet nice guys, they get cast aside due to the daughters’ fear they will end up bored like their mothers were.

Chemistry is the sum total of what we grew up with, what we saw mentored in our own homes and our personal wiring. When it attracts, it is strong, and there is a spark. Can a relationship grow to spark? Yes. Will it ever feel as intense as a natural first meeting spark? No, probably not. Can you build a healthy marriage or life with someone you don’t feel that spark for? YES. Is it easy? NO, but then again, creating a healthy marriage takes work, and I doubt anyone would say it was easy. I could not say that about life in general as life is about learning all aspects of one’s self and some of those are painful. Good luck, Jane.

The loneliest feeling does not come from being single. It is being married or living with someone, but feeling alone. This happens when one of the partners checks out or leaves the relationship emotionally but eats there, does their laundry there and sleeps there. For all other purposes though, you are without a partner. This happens to couples who live together as well as couples who date and marry. That means, many couples live with someone, but are alone. Many times a crisis of some type precipitates one of the partners leaving emotionally, but sometimes it just happens. You will notice your partner no longer values your judgment. You may notice your partner no longer listens to you, talks to you, or wants to engage with you.

When couples first begin feeling lonely in a relationship, they don’t automatically get help. They usually try to understand what is going on in their partner’s life. They may ask, “You okay?” “What’s the matter?” Those questions are usually answered by, “Oh, just work,” or, “I’m just tired.” Sometimes the partner will come back with, “Nothing I say is good enough, and you fight me on everything.” When this happens, the partner who asked the question begins feeling even more alone and more stuck in their loneliness. They may reach out to their friends, their family, or begin reading self help books. Their friends may advise them to leave, validating that their partner is cruel, insecure, having an affair, or all of the other things friends try to do to make one feel better. The bottom line is, you are in a bad position. You are committed to someone and very much alone.

When children are involved, many couples that have great distance in their marriage focus on the kids. This is not good for the children and certainly not good for the couples. The children may get an exaggerated idea of how important they are to the relationship’s survival and will share the sense of loss at an exaggerated level if the relationship fails.  A marriage must always be stronger and tighter than any children you bring into it, or it has a greater chance of failure when the kids are gone.

The amount of distance in a relationship is determined by the couple and the style they develop. Many of us like more distance between ourselves and others, and this is reflected in how we relate. Just as some people are very private and others extremely open, some couples cannot go to the grocery store without the other and some travel across the world without each other. It’s a personal preference, neither is right or wrong. Feeling alone is much different than actually being alone. Feeling alone means the communication is broken. Your spouse may be in Africa and you in Texas, but if you are talking on the phone and sending silly texts or emails, they are with you. If they are at your side, but no longer engaging with you, talking to you, wanting to be with you, they might as well be in Africa.  This feeling of being alone is one of the underlying feelings that cause couples to split. There are ways to prevent it from developing; as with most things, once the damage is done, it is difficult to fix. Here are 3 tips to help you feel less isolated in your relationship.

1.     Ask yourself if you really want this relationship. Sometimes we become lonely when we long for someone or something else. Your partner may sense you feel stagnant with them or want out but are unwilling to say. They may be withdrawing as a way of not getting as hurt.

2.     Talk to your partner about how you feel. Does your partner know you feel unloved or distant? No one can read your mind, and acting out by having an affair won’t help the situation.

3.     Are your beliefs about money, sex, or faith getting in the way of your need to be connected with one another? Couples who are fighting may project the anger from the disagreement onto the relationship. The distance created is actually about disagreeing over a topic. If you talk about this, it will help bridge the distance you feel.

Humans need love, acceptance and security to grow and evolve. Our relationships are a way of satisfying those human needs. Study after study has shown what happens to babies that are isolated from human love, acceptance and security. We never outgrow that need. To be physically and emotionally alone in a committed relationship is unbearable because the hope of connection is lost.

Many couples struggle with infidelity. Affairs can happen at work, in bars, at school reunions, meetings and with your phone. Texting is one way the “other woman or man” enters the family. It is not uncommon for spouses to be texting their lover while eating dinner with their spouse, watching a movie with their spouse or shortly after making love to their spouse. It happens all the time. Send your spouse out for an errand to the grocery store, and they may have a chance to text their lover.  A doctor’s appointment for your child may turn into a heated conversation with your lover in the waiting room. There is no end to this type of affair, because there is no limit for Verizon or AT&T. Thus far, they don’t have an affair security for phones.

Couples who commit infidelity have one thing in common. They lie. The truth is covered up as well as all the pain that is going to tumble out once the affair is brought to life. It’s easy to lie to your spouse if they don’t catch you with the other person. Couples may also catch their spouse when they smell an unfamiliar cologne, or if their spouse wasn’t where they said they’d be, or they’re late picking up their child from an after school activity. One of the best, and newest forms of lie detection now are cell phones. First and foremost, couples are watching the degree to which their partner needs to guard their phone. Do they take the phone everywhere? Is the phone immediately hidden if you are around? If your spouse refuses to let you see their phone text and doesn’t work for the CIA, that is reason enough to be suspicious. Secondly, partners are watching to see if their spouse has poor boundaries for themselves. Poor boundaries indicate a tendency toward a need to be liked too much, which is correlated with inappropriate relationships. Lastly, they are suspicious when their spouse begins sending texts during dinner, bedtime, in the middle of the night, and first thing in the morning. This shows a boundary invasion and is inappropriate no matter who you work for, or what they are going through.

Many couples don’t address or communicate their feelings about texting or emailing until there is a violation. Many times at that point it is too late, as the affair has gone too far. If you have crossed boundaries in the past or have been accused of texting someone too much, you should take it seriously and talk to your spouse about it. Remember, telling your spouse you never had sex with this person, so you aren’t cheating is not true. You are cheating if you are texting someone and would feel ashamed or embarrassed if your spouse read them. Here are a few suggestions to “text proof” your relationship. If you talk to your partner about this now, it will safeguard your marriage from cheating:

1.     Talk together about texting. What is acceptable, and what is crossing the line? How does each of you feel about sexting? It is not true that if you ignore it, it won’t happen. Talking about these issues and preparing makes them less likely to happen.

2.     Agree on a plan regarding when and where cell phones are permitted. Shutting off your cell during a dinner out is wise, as that is your time. However, having your phone on during a coffee break with your spouse may be permitted if you are still on the clock.

3.     Couples who agree to shut their phones off at a specific time each evening protect their marriage from people who lack boundaries and will text any time of the day or night.

4.     Phone passwords should be made readily available to both spouses.

5.     Do an inside check. Would you be anxious if your spouse left with your phone for the day? Is there anything on there you would be ashamed of if they saw? If so, deal with it now.

Technology is making all sorts of relationships more available. When our parents got married, they did not have to worry about texting, sexting, and social networks. The only fool proof way to protect your marriage is to discuss these topics prior to letting them into your marriage. Establishing healthy boundaries so neither spouse feels monitored, but both feel protected and secure will safe guard your marriage and family.

My mother was a school teacher. She was raised on a farm, one of six kids to have a college education and married my dad when she finished her time in the Air Force and college. She loved my father; in fact, a better word is adored. She wore a pin on her dress to teach school each day that said, “My heart belongs to Carl.” She wore a wedding band but wasn’t into jewelry or other forms of sentiment. She had one key to a successful marriage and it was to be kind. She always tried to be kind to him, even when his response was anything but kind to her. When I married and moved away she wrote my husband and I a letter each Sunday evening. We received it every Wednesday and it was full of the family interactions we missed living far away. Her signature was, “Be kind to one another, God bless you, Love, Mom and Dad.”

This week Smart Marriages website came out with a late breaking report about the importance of being kind to your spouse. They admitted it was very difficult but not impossible. Gottman, a leading author with marriage and research explained that it’s the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that determine its well being. In other words, the good moments of pleasure, passion, kindness and generosity have to outweigh the moments of complaining, anger, criticism and disgust. The couples who succeed with great marriages have more positives than negatives.

Being kind has a lot to do with where you came from. If you grew up in a family where people were unkind or not nice to one another, you may have a tendency to treat your spouse unkindly. If your spouse complains, you may try tactics such as, “Why are you so sensitive?”  “What’s the matter with you, you act like you live in la la land.” All of these shift the blame to your spouse. You may feel validated, but your spouse feels less loved, less cared for, and less understood. Anger grows here, and your spouse becomes resentful. All of a sudden the spouse, who may have wanted to be kind, becomes your enemy. They begin to hate you, criticize you, and note every one of your flaws.  

When a marriage becomes insensitive and unkind, it no longer feels safe and secure. I can feel the couple’s anger when they sit across from me in my office. Trying to restore kindness isn’t easy, but it is possible.  Dr. Gottman believes one of the most important things is awareness. This makes sense as if you aren’t aware of when you are being unkind, then eliminating that behavior is more difficult. Awareness takes time, and it requires you to talk to your partner and believe them when they tell you the types of statements that make them feel hurt, rather than trying to defend your statement by telling them that they are too sensitive. Telling anyone they are too sensitive is being unkind.

Nothing will make a marriage better quicker, your sex life more active, or help you raise happier children, than being kind to one another. I have five suggestions you can act on now:

1.     Anger and stress do nothing as far as encouraging kindness in our interactions, so begin now to manage those with exercise, healthy eating, and meditation/prayer.

2.     Talk to your spouse privately about your parents’ interactions. Were they kind to one another, did they support and love one another?  If your spouse is able to understand how you were mentored, they may be able to tolerate some of your unkindness and not react to it with anger or resentment.

3.     Make it a point to follow Gottman’s guide of one negative sentence for five positive. This will help restore the kindness balance, and you will notice your partner feeling safer and less defensive.

4.     Each day, tell your spouse at LEAST one thing you absolutely adore about them. One kind thought a day is not too much to ask of anyone.

5.     A fight is never about winning. The only win is if there is an understand/understand, resolve/resolve, and love/love solution. The families that seek the most to have a winner and loser end up spending the most in counseling and divorce courts as a general rule.

We all want the same thing in a marriage. We want our partner to feel loved, to love us, and to raise healthy, happy children. A simple concept such as being kind to one another can assure you of attaining those three.  “Be Kind to one another, God Bless You, Love Mjo.”