I am so proud and honored to do my weekly segments on Fox 26 Morning News. Our recent segment called, "Classmates with Cancer" has won  the esteemed Gracie Award in the Outstanding Talk Show - News category! Congratulations to Fox 26! I am so proud to be a part of this.

Click here to view the video "Classmates with Cancer."

When I was in college I remember having more girlfriends than I could count on all my fingers. These friends were close to me. We shared each others’ lives, problems and joys. Suddenly, as I got older and married I noticed I began to take less and less time to spend with my girlfriends. A recent study conducted by Duke University and the University of Arizona proved that women today report having an average of only two close friends and 24% reported that they had no one they could confide in. This feeling of isolation can lead to depression or worse. We know that a lack of friends can lead to heart disease, cancer, depression and anxiety. Overall, the quality of life is lessened when we are lonely or don’t have any close friends.

Female friendships are so important because they provide a source of close, effective communication which is essential in raising healthy families. Many of my best friends have become even closer with raising children and being married. My friends have provided me with a sense of support and security that my husband could not provide (I need both and so do you). Women give more and therefore expect more from our friendships than men do. We know we can be vulnerable and honest with each other and that vulnerability will be protected with our friends. Women also have a tendency to hold on to their friendships longer then men do. Women feel very hurt when they lose a friend even if that friend wasn’t honest or lied to them.

Women get busy with children, parents, husbands and work, but an area they should never skimp on is maintaining their friendships. It appears to be more significant to women’s overall health than for men. It may be something as simple as setting a date and keeping it for coffee or perhaps even planning a weekend away at a spa. No matter what you do, don’t let the relationship go because you don’t have time. You may lose more then a good friend.

Tips to Maintain your Friendships 1. Be there when it counts. When one of your friends is going through a tough time, on thing she shouldn’t have to worry about is whether will be there. What I remember most about my miscarriage was that my best friend came and just held me. She didn’t say anything just held me and let me cry. This meant more to me then the flowers, calls, or anything else my acquaintances did for me.

2. Friendships change so allow your best friend relationships to change. Being best friends doesn’t mean the relationships will be the same forever. Your relationships will change after high school, college, and marriage, but the love for each other will continue.

3. Make dates to connect. It may take writing things down in your schedule book or blocking your schedule, but take the time to connect and visit. Friendships take nurturing. If you begin to take the relationship for granted and don’t make the time, it will make her believe you no longer value it.

4. The only thing worse than not making a date to get together is “flaking out” on the date. If you make a date commit to it and make sure show up. Much better to meet for a short time than not at all.

Nothing is more symbolic of how you lived your life than being an old woman still very much connected to your girlfriends. Women need other women to mentor, learn from, heal with, laugh with, grieve with, and celebrate being a woman with.

MJo

         This week I was asked to comment on a new movie coming out. The title of the movie is "I love you, Man". The movie plot consists of a couple getting married only to discover the groom has no best man. This presents a dilemma and the bride-to-be encourages her fiancé to go out and find a best friend to be his best man.

           The movie is a comedy but actually has a serious question. What is male bonding and is it necessary? Most guys have best friends, they have "boy's night out" and they bond by going to sport events, fishing, drinking beer, playing music, etc. Women usually are supportive of their husbands having best friends until it gets too wild or their husbands begin choosing their buddies over their wives and families. I've talked to guys about these relationships. Men report them to be very important and healthy to their well being. Guys need other guys to communicate because men's and women's style of communication is so different. Men aren't as vulnerable with each other and they talk about different things then what they discuss with their girlfriends or wives. They do activities together and may spend whole day fishing without words. They are not responsible to other guys as they are to their wives and girlfriends so these relationships are less stressful. Men don't analyze and think about what they say to each other. They communicate more directly so the pressure to keep going over things they said to each other is unnecessary.

How does a guy find a guy friend?

1. Hang out where guys hang out. The gym, sport stores, hardware stores, book stores, and sports café.
2. Ask your girlfriend or wife to invite other couples over. That way you can have dinner with the guy before you invite him to join you for a fishing trip, or a golf game.
3. Have a cook-out. Guys love to get into cooking over a pit in the back yard.
4. Start taking you car apart in the drive way. Every guy in the neighborhood will come by to see what you need help with (I happened upon this one by accident...my car fell apart in the driveway).
5. Plan a camping trip with a group of guys from work. It's good to get away from all of your family responsibilities every once in awhile.

          It is a well known fact that people who have many social connections live longer. Women have networks of friends established and this is one of the healthiest aspects of being a woman. Men need that too. Friends make your blood pressure lower and lower stress. It is more difficult for guys because they worry about being judged. Don't let what others think prevents you from doing what is very healthy for you. Find a best friend now...in fact find a couple of guys you can talk with or play a game of tennis with. Your body, mind and relationships with your wife and children may all benefit. Have a great week!!!

MJo

 

I was reading in the New York Health Times section on the importance of friendships. This article stated that you can determine ones' longevity by counting how many friends they have. As I read I began to understand the importance we place on our friends and how they do change our lives. After reading the article I was surprised when in clinic last week a patient told me that she felt part of her "over eating" was due to a loss of a good friend. This friend who was my patients' closest friend was like a sister. She came to every family event and was accepted not only by my patient but by her whole family. Then one day it was as if she vanished. She no longer answered voice mails, text messages or emails'. My patient was perplexed as she could not recall anything she had said or done to make her friend behave this way. As my patient talked tears came to her eyes and I saw how disturbing and hurt full this loss had been. We talked more and I asked my patient what she had done to rectify it. This was fascinating as she was clueless as to what she could do so she opted to do nothing. How could she let go so easily to one she loved so much?

There are many reasons friendships end. They may end due to people changing (such as may be the case after weight loss surgery) or circumstances change. Friendships are usually relationships between equals and if that balance shifts for one of the friends it may cause that friend to leave or feel less connection. When a friendship ends it is important to acknowledge it. You have to talk about it, and you have to grieve. This person was important to you and it will leave a void in your life. Fortunately not all friendships that are broken fail. Sometimes you can save them. Here are a few ideas to consider before you walk away from a friend that has been a major support person in your life.

1. Make time to communicate with this person. In the above example with my patient I encouraged her to write a letter to her friend and drive to her home and slip it under the door, or find a way to get it to her friend. Friends need our support and communication to stay close to us. If you are going to be busy or you know your schedule is going to be "crazy" warn your friend in advance so they know you still love them but are going through a tough time. They will understand you aren't neglecting them and usually will find another way to support you that only a good friend knows how to do!

2. Give it time. Usually with time one of you will realize the disagreement you had was blown out of proportion and you really didn't mean to say what you did or they didn't mean what they said. Don't ever talk badly about your friend even if they become an ex-friend. You cannot take back what they may have heard you say about them while you were angry. Being hurt does not give you freedom to betray your friend....ever.

3. Be ready to say you are sorry and own up to your own weaknesses. A friendship is not about pride or saving face. A friendship is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone and trusting that this person will always focus on your strengths and love you despite your short comings. NOTHING IS WORTH RISKING THIS RELATIONSHIP. If you had a disagreement and it will have no significance in the future then I encourage you to let it go.

What did I suggest to this patient as she left? I told her my mother use to tell me to ask this question before I let go of a friend. "If it was 2a.m. and you needed someone to comfort you, could you call this friend and be comforted"? My patient thought about it, and said, "Okay Mary Jo, I will write her a letter".