Kids don’t come with a manual and neither does parenting. For the most part, good communication gets you through the rough times and helps to divert disaster. There is one particular dilemma most parents will experience that centers around the friends your child chooses. Many times kids make great choices, but sometimes the friends that choose your child are not great choices and, for some unknown reason, your child cannot get away from these types of friends. These friends are what I refer to as “toxic friends.” My two daughters both experienced some time with these types of friends; even though it was brief, it wasn’t as brief as it could have been had I been more aware.

If you give a situation time, it will usually work itself out. With toxic friends, however, that is not always true so an intervention is necessary. Before you can intervene, you need to know what you are looking for. The toxic friend may appear like the nice kid next door to you as a parent; yet, they say nasty things when no adult is around, and they make your child feel incompetent if they tell their parent. Here are a few more signs that your child may be involved with a toxic friend:

1.     If your child becomes totally obsessed with pleasing this friend, there is a good chance the power balance has shifted and your child is being used.

2.     If your child’s friend treats their parent or any adult with disdain, pay attention. This is not a good sign as they have issues with authority.

3.     Your child’s new friend doesn’t abide by your child’s rules. For example, if you tell your child no communicating after 9 p.m. and this friend continually calls or texts, saying rules are stupid or for little kids, this is not a friendship you want to nurture.

4.     Your child is teased or belittled in any way by this friend.

5.     The friend tries to get your child to act rude or disobedient at school.

6.     The friend wants to keep secrets all the time.

7.     Your child’s friend is rude in public. All kids make mistakes, but if you notice this kid is a brat in public, can you imagine what is going on in their home?

8.     Your child’s friend picks on “lesser people” or has a bully attitude.

9.     Your child’s new friend has angry outbursts.

10.  Your child begins acting out, swearing, and acting belligerent or indignant (unless someone is modeling that behavior in your home).

It is much better if you can prevent these relationships from forming rather than trying to break them up once they have bonded. To end these types of relationships, you need to have your child see the light and understand what is happening. Your child also needs to know they are supported by you as these types of friends often have power over your child with other friends. It is always advised to work on changing the family dynamics so your child will become more and more difficult for his or her toxic friend to control. Here are a few suggestions that may help:

1.     Begin by having the toxic friend over for dinner (it is even better if the parents can come). Usually you don’t need to do more; the whole situation becomes very clear to your child.

2.     Talk with your child about their toxic friend’s behavior only. Try not to attack the friend, but say what you see and why it is unappealing. Be honest and firm with your observations.

3.     Structure your child’s life as much as possible. Your child will need an excuse at times and if they are able to say, “My parents will ground me for life or take my car away if I do that,” it helps them save face.

4.     Set limits. Keep your child’s curfew and follow through with consequences. If your child begins suffering for their toxic friend, they may wake up sooner rather than later, asking why they like this person who gets them into trouble.

5.     Many times your child will choose to hang out with someone you don’t like as a form of rebellion. If depression, anger, or acting out become an issue, it is wise to seek counseling for your child as well as yourself. Toxic friends have the power to turn a once harmonious family into a chaotic situation very quickly.

The tween/teenage years are relatively short, but the decisions made have dire consequences for your child. Engage with your child; know where they are, who their friends are, and who the parents of those friends are. Social networking has many advantages, but also many dangers. Toxic people think of toxic ways to use social networking. Self-esteem is fragile in the tween/teen years; one toxic relationship can destroy your child’s self esteem for years to come.

Back to school ads are full of new clothes, running shoes, and back packs. The photos show smiling kids with perfectly groomed hair, freshly brushed teeth, a book bag on their back, and looking forward to the beginning of school. None of these kids appear to be anxious, sleep deprived, or worried about the stranger who is sending them bad texts or posting on their Facebook wall. The ads won’t show that, because many times with cyber-bullying we don’t see those things. This is the reason cyber-bullying is so dangerous to your child. The secret bully lurking behind the screen is many times someone they actually know, but with a different alias.

This year, along with the clothes, back packs, and perfect shoes, make sure you educate your child in regards to safety on the internet, social networking and texting. After cyber-bullying begins, it is very difficult to stop, and it never ends without hurting your child’s self esteem. It’s estimated by the National Education Association that up to 160,000 kids miss school each day for fear of being embarrassed, bullied, or both. Being proactive is the advantage every parent has before school ever begins. Sit down and go through the rules with your child or take several nights and make flash cards with your child to help them remember.

True Care Online is a company that I am an expert for. They encourage parents to learn and be involved with what their children are doing online. They also offer 24 hour monitoring for parents whose children are followed by a bully or are at high risk for cyber-bully behavior. They believe if parents are proactive and engage with their children each day about who they are talking to, they will have the advantage of knowing when and if something is out of the ordinary. Together we provide the following tips to parents. It is called “Back to Basics 101”:

1.     Discussion. Discussion. Discussion. Parents must have a good sense about what’s going on in their kid’s online world. Since using Facebook and other social media sites has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation.

2.     Keep the Computer in a Common Area Laptops, smart phones, and tablets have allowed us to overlook the cardinal rule of kids on the internet – keep the communication vehicles in a common area where parents can monitor websites and time allocated to internet activity.

3.     Manners for Texting, E-Mailing or Chatting Online As you have in every aspect of your child’s life, set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave as you have taught them in real life.  Typed content is the same as verbal communication. Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do. 

4.     Understand the Settings of Social Media Sites
Settings can sometimes be difficult to find and hard to navigate. Understanding the settings can save you time and heartache down the road. They control what information people can and can’t see and what information is sent out upon posting.  You are the parent, be certain that any preferences or settings are set to your liking. Also remember that Facebook prohibits children under 13 from even having a Facebook account. Being a good parent means setting strong boundaries.

5.     Posting Pictures – Interpretation is in the Mind of the Beholder
A picture posted online is not private. A photo sent between cell phones is not private. Make sure that your children are aware that mistakes do happen and so-called private messages go public, or that sometimes people you trust make mistakes in judgment.  Once a photo hits a social media site, it can be downloaded and reposted across the entire web within hours.  It’s okay to tell your kids “No picture sending until you are over the age of 18 years unless I approve it.”

6.     Kids and Adults Should Not Be Friends
Don’t allow your kids to “friend” adults on social media sites. When your child connects with an adult, even if it’s a trusted friend or relative, they are exposed to the adult content and images posted on that adult’s site.

7.     Teach Children What to Do if They Get an Offensive or Threatening IM, E-mail, or Chat Room Post
The latest statistics indicate that 42% of children have been the victim of an online bully. Of that number, 58% never discussed the situation with their parents. The more conversations you have with your kids about what occurs online, the more likely they will be to talk to you about what’s going on. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations.

8.     If Your Child Has a Social Media Account, They are at Risk
No one can hide on the Internet.  A social media account allows for some of a child’s personal information to be viewable in a search engine. Be certain that content is managed appropriately. Performing a Google search every once in awhile may be a good idea to make sure that you’re aware of your kid’s online presence.

Parents need to tell their children frequently that whatever they post never goes away, it usually goes around. Many children don’t understand the danger of what they post as they live in the present. Being a parent who provides strong, clear boundaries can cyber-bully proof your child, and help deter your child from being a victim or aggressor.

I have three very close friends. I have known these friends for over 20 years. They are supportive of me and I of them. One of the reasons I love them most is because there has never been a need for us to compete over “stuff.” They don't host Botox parties, boast breast enlargements, and diamonds that cost more than a down payment on a car. They are real, and they help “ground” me when I am with them. I have never heard either of them say anything bad about one of my other friends, nor do I worry about what they will ever say about me. I know if they talk about me, it is in my own best interest.

I work with many types of women and men. Men are less likely influenced by what they “need to have” to fit in than women are. One of the women acquaintances I have is really funny at parties. She is able to laugh at herself describing in detail everything she has done to keep up or save face with her friends. Her life is about acquiring stuff, more and more stuff, and then from what I understand they have huge garage sales and sell all the stuff cheaper than they bought it. Their sense of pride then comes from how well they did at selling their stuff, which they compare to their other friends who sold stuff. If they make a lot of money from the stuff, even though they lost more due to buying it in the first place, they celebrate with the money they made to buy more stuff. It is insane.

Cosmetic surgery can fit into this keeping-up mode also. It is quite common that when one woman gets a face lift or breast augmentation, her other friends seek the same procedures. They don't necessarily need cosmetic surgery, but in their effort to keep up with their social circle they begin building reasons as to why they need it. This need to keep up isn't exclusive to beauty, stuff, or home décor; it spreads deeper into our children.

One of my colleagues who runs a math program for enriching children's math scores told me that the best way to get new students is to convince one of the moms that this will help her child achieve great success in life. From this one mom, she can recruit enough other moms to blindly enroll their child in this course. The child may already be an A math student or a wonderful artist, but if his mom becomes concerned that he may fall behind and they may be viewed as inadequate parents, she will enroll him. This is all part of the keeping up with the Joneses attitude. Birthday parties are now a Saturday event that extends for hours and costs as much as $5,000. How do you go back to Chucky Cheese and just have pizza, tokens and rides after that? Forget the fact that 75% of all Americans are in credit card debt. Keeping up with the Joneses is important to ones' psyche.

I am not sure how our need for perfection started, but keeping up with the Joneses has been with us for a long time. The only way to not be influenced is to work on yourself and your own ego strength, or to be so poor you have no resources to keep up. My concern is always with the next generation. If we have to keep up, what will they have to do in order to keep up? If they are riding in limos for a 6 year old birthday party, what is there to look forward to when they go to their first special event? Our insecurity of being good enough and keeping up is inadvertently raising calloused, unhappy children. They have little joy because we have robbed them of wanting something, working toward it, and feeling the euphoria after you finally earn it. It is also adding financial stress on our marriages and we are feeling less and less joy when we purchase something new.

There are ways to stop the madness of keeping up with the Joneses (or whoever your neighbor or friend is). It begins as most things do, becoming aware of what you are spending money and time on and evaluating why. Most of keeping up has to do with feeling empty or not good enough on the inside.

1. What are you afraid of if you stop trying to keep up with the social circle you are in? Will they abandon you, talk about you, and think less of you?
2. Do you have the support of your partner in cutting back? For example, if he wants the big screen TV to fit in with his buddies, is he willing to settle for one not as large to stay within the budget? Or if you want the Louis Vuitton to fit in, are you willing to settle for a Guess to not go over budget?
3. When your child says they want a petting zoo birthday party at their house, can you tell your child, “Wow, that sounds fun, but we don't have enough money. How about going to the zoo for a picnic with your friends?”
4. Do you really need a caterer at your backyard party? Would a potluck work just as well, or would people think worse of you? Would you feel less than the perfect host? Is that okay, or do you need to be perfect?
5. Will your friends still love and accept you if you make your life about values such as togetherness, family get-togethers, sharing each others' pain instead of each others' concerns about the right cosmetic surgery, new home decor or what shoes will match your new dress? Will your kids still love you when they grow up to find most of their sports, parties, cars, enrichment classes were more about you keeping up with the Joneses than it was about them and their interests and needs?

Keeping up with others is insidious. It builds slowly and soon we look around and say, “What am I doing with all of this junk, and how did I attract all of these negative people in my life?” You did it by not realizing you were good enough, and that you were so much more than anything you could purchase. Stop the insanity of bigger and better stuff. Take back your own values, integrity, and family morals.

When I was in college, I remember having lots of girlfriends. These friends were close to me. We shared each others' lives, problems and joys. Suddenly, as I got older and married, I began to spend less time with my girlfriends. A recent study conducted by Duke University and the University of Arizona proved that women today have an average of only two close friends, and 24% reported that they had no one they could confide in. This feeling of isolation can lead to depression or worse. We know that a lack of friends can lead to heart disease, cancer, depression and anxiety. Overall, the quality of life is lowered when we are lonely or don't have any close friends.

Female friendships are so important because they provide a source of close, effective communication which is essential in raising healthy families. Many of my best friends have become even closer while raising children and being married. My friends have provided me with a sense of support and security that my husband could not provide (I need both and so do you). Women give more and, therefore, expect more from our friendships than men do. We know we can be vulnerable and honest with each other and that vulnerability will be protected with our friends. Women also have a tendency to hold on to their friendships longer than men do. Women feel very hurt when they lose a friend even if that friend wasn't honest or lied to them.

Women get busy with children, parents, husbands and work, but an area they should never skimp on is maintaining their friendships. It appears to be more significant to a woman's overall health than for a man. It may be something as simple as setting a date for coffee or perhaps even planning a weekend away at a spa. No matter what you do, don't let the relationship go because you don't have time. You may lose more than a good friend.

Tips to Maintain your Friendships:

1. Be there when it counts. When one of your friends is going through a tough time, one thing she shouldn't have to worry about is whether you will be there. What I remember most about my miscarriage was that my best friend came and just held me. She didn't say anything. She just held me and let me cry. This meant more to me than the flowers, calls, or anything else.
2. Friendships change, so allow your best friend relationships to change. Being best friends doesn't mean the relationships will be the same forever. Your relationships will change after high school, college, and marriage, but the love for each other will continue.
3. Make dates to connect. It may take writing things down in your schedule book or blocking your schedule, but take the time to connect and visit. Friendships take nurturing. If you begin to take the relationship for granted and don't make the time, it will make her believe you no longer value it.
4. The only thing worse than not making a date to get together is “flaking out” on the date. If you make a date, commit to it and make sure you show up. Much better to meet for a short time than not at all.

Nothing is more symbolic of how you lived your life than being an old woman still very much connected to your girlfriends. Women need other women to mentor, learn from, heal with, laugh with, grieve with, and celebrate being a woman with. Lastly, having close girlfriends keeps your marriage healthier. Having a support system besides your husband helps you see things more objectively. Women who have good friends allow their partner more freedom and are less likely to be “needy” of constant attention from their partner. Gentlemen, it is worthwhile to value your wife's girlfriends. Many times, when your wife it is upset with you, it is her girlfriends that help her see things more objectively. The girlfriend is usually the one saying, “You have such a great husband.”

I am so proud and honored to do my weekly segments on Fox 26 Morning News. Our recent segment called, "Classmates with Cancer" has won  the esteemed Gracie Award in the Outstanding Talk Show - News category! Congratulations to Fox 26! I am so proud to be a part of this.

Click here to view the video "Classmates with Cancer."

When I was in college I remember having more girlfriends than I could count on all my fingers. These friends were close to me. We shared each others’ lives, problems and joys. Suddenly, as I got older and married I noticed I began to take less and less time to spend with my girlfriends. A recent study conducted by Duke University and the University of Arizona proved that women today report having an average of only two close friends and 24% reported that they had no one they could confide in. This feeling of isolation can lead to depression or worse. We know that a lack of friends can lead to heart disease, cancer, depression and anxiety. Overall, the quality of life is lessened when we are lonely or don’t have any close friends.

Female friendships are so important because they provide a source of close, effective communication which is essential in raising healthy families. Many of my best friends have become even closer with raising children and being married. My friends have provided me with a sense of support and security that my husband could not provide (I need both and so do you). Women give more and therefore expect more from our friendships than men do. We know we can be vulnerable and honest with each other and that vulnerability will be protected with our friends. Women also have a tendency to hold on to their friendships longer then men do. Women feel very hurt when they lose a friend even if that friend wasn’t honest or lied to them.

Women get busy with children, parents, husbands and work, but an area they should never skimp on is maintaining their friendships. It appears to be more significant to women’s overall health than for men. It may be something as simple as setting a date and keeping it for coffee or perhaps even planning a weekend away at a spa. No matter what you do, don’t let the relationship go because you don’t have time. You may lose more then a good friend.

Tips to Maintain your Friendships 1. Be there when it counts. When one of your friends is going through a tough time, on thing she shouldn’t have to worry about is whether will be there. What I remember most about my miscarriage was that my best friend came and just held me. She didn’t say anything just held me and let me cry. This meant more to me then the flowers, calls, or anything else my acquaintances did for me.

2. Friendships change so allow your best friend relationships to change. Being best friends doesn’t mean the relationships will be the same forever. Your relationships will change after high school, college, and marriage, but the love for each other will continue.

3. Make dates to connect. It may take writing things down in your schedule book or blocking your schedule, but take the time to connect and visit. Friendships take nurturing. If you begin to take the relationship for granted and don’t make the time, it will make her believe you no longer value it.

4. The only thing worse than not making a date to get together is “flaking out” on the date. If you make a date commit to it and make sure show up. Much better to meet for a short time than not at all.

Nothing is more symbolic of how you lived your life than being an old woman still very much connected to your girlfriends. Women need other women to mentor, learn from, heal with, laugh with, grieve with, and celebrate being a woman with.

MJo

         This week I was asked to comment on a new movie coming out. The title of the movie is "I love you, Man". The movie plot consists of a couple getting married only to discover the groom has no best man. This presents a dilemma and the bride-to-be encourages her fiancé to go out and find a best friend to be his best man.

           The movie is a comedy but actually has a serious question. What is male bonding and is it necessary? Most guys have best friends, they have "boy's night out" and they bond by going to sport events, fishing, drinking beer, playing music, etc. Women usually are supportive of their husbands having best friends until it gets too wild or their husbands begin choosing their buddies over their wives and families. I've talked to guys about these relationships. Men report them to be very important and healthy to their well being. Guys need other guys to communicate because men's and women's style of communication is so different. Men aren't as vulnerable with each other and they talk about different things then what they discuss with their girlfriends or wives. They do activities together and may spend whole day fishing without words. They are not responsible to other guys as they are to their wives and girlfriends so these relationships are less stressful. Men don't analyze and think about what they say to each other. They communicate more directly so the pressure to keep going over things they said to each other is unnecessary.

How does a guy find a guy friend?

1. Hang out where guys hang out. The gym, sport stores, hardware stores, book stores, and sports café.
2. Ask your girlfriend or wife to invite other couples over. That way you can have dinner with the guy before you invite him to join you for a fishing trip, or a golf game.
3. Have a cook-out. Guys love to get into cooking over a pit in the back yard.
4. Start taking you car apart in the drive way. Every guy in the neighborhood will come by to see what you need help with (I happened upon this one by accident...my car fell apart in the driveway).
5. Plan a camping trip with a group of guys from work. It's good to get away from all of your family responsibilities every once in awhile.

          It is a well known fact that people who have many social connections live longer. Women have networks of friends established and this is one of the healthiest aspects of being a woman. Men need that too. Friends make your blood pressure lower and lower stress. It is more difficult for guys because they worry about being judged. Don't let what others think prevents you from doing what is very healthy for you. Find a best friend now...in fact find a couple of guys you can talk with or play a game of tennis with. Your body, mind and relationships with your wife and children may all benefit. Have a great week!!!

MJo

 

I was reading in the New York Health Times section on the importance of friendships. This article stated that you can determine ones' longevity by counting how many friends they have. As I read I began to understand the importance we place on our friends and how they do change our lives. After reading the article I was surprised when in clinic last week a patient told me that she felt part of her "over eating" was due to a loss of a good friend. This friend who was my patients' closest friend was like a sister. She came to every family event and was accepted not only by my patient but by her whole family. Then one day it was as if she vanished. She no longer answered voice mails, text messages or emails'. My patient was perplexed as she could not recall anything she had said or done to make her friend behave this way. As my patient talked tears came to her eyes and I saw how disturbing and hurt full this loss had been. We talked more and I asked my patient what she had done to rectify it. This was fascinating as she was clueless as to what she could do so she opted to do nothing. How could she let go so easily to one she loved so much?

There are many reasons friendships end. They may end due to people changing (such as may be the case after weight loss surgery) or circumstances change. Friendships are usually relationships between equals and if that balance shifts for one of the friends it may cause that friend to leave or feel less connection. When a friendship ends it is important to acknowledge it. You have to talk about it, and you have to grieve. This person was important to you and it will leave a void in your life. Fortunately not all friendships that are broken fail. Sometimes you can save them. Here are a few ideas to consider before you walk away from a friend that has been a major support person in your life.

1. Make time to communicate with this person. In the above example with my patient I encouraged her to write a letter to her friend and drive to her home and slip it under the door, or find a way to get it to her friend. Friends need our support and communication to stay close to us. If you are going to be busy or you know your schedule is going to be "crazy" warn your friend in advance so they know you still love them but are going through a tough time. They will understand you aren't neglecting them and usually will find another way to support you that only a good friend knows how to do!

2. Give it time. Usually with time one of you will realize the disagreement you had was blown out of proportion and you really didn't mean to say what you did or they didn't mean what they said. Don't ever talk badly about your friend even if they become an ex-friend. You cannot take back what they may have heard you say about them while you were angry. Being hurt does not give you freedom to betray your friend....ever.

3. Be ready to say you are sorry and own up to your own weaknesses. A friendship is not about pride or saving face. A friendship is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone and trusting that this person will always focus on your strengths and love you despite your short comings. NOTHING IS WORTH RISKING THIS RELATIONSHIP. If you had a disagreement and it will have no significance in the future then I encourage you to let it go.

What did I suggest to this patient as she left? I told her my mother use to tell me to ask this question before I let go of a friend. "If it was 2a.m. and you needed someone to comfort you, could you call this friend and be comforted"? My patient thought about it, and said, "Okay Mary Jo, I will write her a letter".