We want our kids to grow up liking themselves, the way they look, and what they contribute to their lives as well as the lives of others. Recently, I was involved in a show on FOX 26 which featured a woman who has the largest breasts in South America. What possessed this woman to keep going to the size of double “Ks,” on her way to “Ms?” She told us she became addicted to the process, that the breasts began to make her feel beautiful, which is something she had never felt as a child growing up and had always wanted. She also told us she was one of thirteen children, a child whose father died when she was seven, and her mom married another man to help with the raising of the children. She also told us that through most of the 30 surgeries she had suffered from bipolar disease and wasn't medicated until recently. Her breasts are infected and she is on constant intravenous pumps to prevent the infection from killing her. The picture is very disturbing, and underneath all of the plastic surgery and media attention is a child who wants to be loved for who she is. Her breast implants are not typical of what usually happens, but when you look at her small frame, and talk to her you understand the implants are not or never were going to give her that inner acceptance that she needs so desperately.

How do we build up our children so they don't look for surgery to make them feel good enough or beautiful, when that is clearly not the problem (for parents):

1. Try to stay away from critical parenting. Parents, DO NOT focus on your kid's looks. Take interest in what they do, and their gifts instead. When they need reassurance about the way they look, tell them they are beautiful to you in all ways (if they aren't, look deeper).
2. If your child complains that kids make fun of them, help your children think of comebacks. If the child is under the age of seven, talk to the parents or your child's teacher. If your relatives make fun of your child due to some flaw, confront the relative in private and tell them how it is hurting your child. I have a patient who is obese, and her memory of when her weight problem started was in the 5th grade when, in a physical education class, two boys told her she was the fattest girl in the school. The girl was ten pounds overweight, but she did get fatter after hearing that. Children are SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM.
3. Be aware of changes in puberty with your child. This is a time they compare themselves to others, including media. Some kids develop earlier than others, and this can be embarrassing if you have no one to talk to. Make yourself available to talk, and share your feelings and flaws during this time. Your child will appreciate it.
4. Hurtful teasing from parents, cousins, aunts, and teachers all influence how teens feel about themselves (forever).

Tips for improving your body image (for tweens and teens):

You are not born with a body image; you learn it from significant people in your life. Some people think they need to change how they look or act to feel good about themselves. But actually. all you need to do is change the way you see your body and how you think about yourself.

1. The first thing to do is recognize that your body is your own, no matter what shape, size, or color it comes in. If you're very worried about your weight or size, check with your doctor to verify that things are OK. But it's no one's business but your own what your body is like. The only thing you know for sure is that it will change as you go through puberty.
2. Think about which aspects of your appearance you can realistically change and which you can't. Everyone (even the most perfect-seeming celeb) has things about themselves that they can't change and need to accept - like their height, or their parents. Changing how you act is much more powerful than changing how you look.
3. If there are things about yourself that you want to change and can (such as how fit you are, or your skin care), do this by making goals for yourself. For example, if you want to get fit, make a plan to exercise every day and eat nutritious foods. Then keep track of your progress until you reach your goal. If you don't like the pimples on your skin, ask your parents if you can go to the doctor to get appropriate medicine for your skin to be clear. Meeting a challenge you set for yourself is a great way to boost self-esteem!
4. Don't ever talk bad about yourself, and don't let others talk bad about themselves when they are with you. Try building your self-esteem by giving yourself three compliments every day. It can be anything from the way you listened to your friend's problems, your ability to tutor a friend in math, or your keen sense of humor. By focusing on the good things you do and the positive aspects of your life, you can change how you feel about you. Parents are good about telling you not to drink or smoke. Try telling them not to criticize themselves in front of you. Explain to them that when you hear them berating their looks (or someone else's), you have a tendency to think that looks matter a lot to them, and therefore, you will most likely focus on your looks too. Remind them that this begins to happen at the age of three for most children.

Everyone I know has flaws. It is not our visible flaws that cause us misery, but our perception of our flaws that depress or make us feel badly about ourselves. Change what you can with diet, exercise and healthy living. If mom or dad suggests a breast augmentation or a rhinoplasty for your 16th birthday, remind them that putting their money into a college fund for you will give them a better return for their money (also suggest counseling for your parent's issues with looks). You should never undergo cosmetic plastic surgery (unless it is a corrective type for an illness, accident or birth defect) until you are ready to accept the consequences if it doesn't turn out to look the way you had imagined. That's tough to do if you are under the age of eighteen.

When I was in college I remember having more girlfriends than I could count on all my fingers. These friends were close to me. We shared each others’ lives, problems and joys. Suddenly, as I got older and married I noticed I began to take less and less time to spend with my girlfriends. A recent study conducted by Duke University and the University of Arizona proved that women today report having an average of only two close friends and 24% reported that they had no one they could confide in. This feeling of isolation can lead to depression or worse. We know that a lack of friends can lead to heart disease, cancer, depression and anxiety. Overall, the quality of life is lessened when we are lonely or don’t have any close friends.

Female friendships are so important because they provide a source of close, effective communication which is essential in raising healthy families. Many of my best friends have become even closer with raising children and being married. My friends have provided me with a sense of support and security that my husband could not provide (I need both and so do you). Women give more and therefore expect more from our friendships than men do. We know we can be vulnerable and honest with each other and that vulnerability will be protected with our friends. Women also have a tendency to hold on to their friendships longer then men do. Women feel very hurt when they lose a friend even if that friend wasn’t honest or lied to them.

Women get busy with children, parents, husbands and work, but an area they should never skimp on is maintaining their friendships. It appears to be more significant to women’s overall health than for men. It may be something as simple as setting a date and keeping it for coffee or perhaps even planning a weekend away at a spa. No matter what you do, don’t let the relationship go because you don’t have time. You may lose more then a good friend.

Tips to Maintain your Friendships 1. Be there when it counts. When one of your friends is going through a tough time, on thing she shouldn’t have to worry about is whether will be there. What I remember most about my miscarriage was that my best friend came and just held me. She didn’t say anything just held me and let me cry. This meant more to me then the flowers, calls, or anything else my acquaintances did for me.

2. Friendships change so allow your best friend relationships to change. Being best friends doesn’t mean the relationships will be the same forever. Your relationships will change after high school, college, and marriage, but the love for each other will continue.

3. Make dates to connect. It may take writing things down in your schedule book or blocking your schedule, but take the time to connect and visit. Friendships take nurturing. If you begin to take the relationship for granted and don’t make the time, it will make her believe you no longer value it.

4. The only thing worse than not making a date to get together is “flaking out” on the date. If you make a date commit to it and make sure show up. Much better to meet for a short time than not at all.

Nothing is more symbolic of how you lived your life than being an old woman still very much connected to your girlfriends. Women need other women to mentor, learn from, heal with, laugh with, grieve with, and celebrate being a woman with.

MJo

Back-to-school ads are everywhere. We are preparing our teens for college entrance exams. We are talking to them about their future. Where should they go to college? What do they want to study? These are important questions, but don't forget to talk to your children about confidence. Many parents believe confidence is something with which you are born. You either have it or you don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. Confidence is a skill you can teach your child in just a few weeks.

Tips for teens

Teens starting this exercise with low self-esteem should remember to act like they are confident, and eventually they will feel confident. Here are six things to practice:

1. Make eye contact with others. Practice by talking to the mirror and looking at yourself.

2. Stand up straight and you'll project confidence. Watch TV news anchors — they always have perfect posture.

3. Be willing to put yourself out there to meet new people. This may be difficult for shy teens, but remember, you are just acting.

4. Smile. Not only will you disarm others, but it's an instant mood booster for you.

5. Stay in control by preparing for events ahead of time. That big test coming up? Schedule study time. If you break down big projects into small steps, you can handle the biggest projects in a timely manner.

6. Don't be a doormat. Don't go along with stupid, risk-taking stunts to be accepted by others.

Tips for parents

1. Every teen wants to be popular. Popularity can make most teens feel insecure and doubt themselves. Have an honest talk with your teens about how they view themselves, what they expect from friends and what they want their school years to mean to them.

2. Volunteering is a wonderful way to help your teen learn confidence-building skills. There are churches, assisted-living homes, day cares, parks and nonprofits looking for help.

3. Get your child involved in extracurricular activities. Nothing builds confidence better than having your child surrounded by other people with the same interests.

4. Go over your teens' homework plans for the fall. They may act like they hate it, but teens need their parents' involvement to be academically successful.

5. Your child will feel more confident if he or she looks the part. Look at magazines together and decide which clothes will flatter your teen's body. Help your teen understand the role of clothes in a first impression; how your teens dress will affect how others treat them.

MJo

I was reading an article about Barbie. A recent study out of Canada resulted in the finding that 99% of girls (age 3 to 10 years old) had a Barbie doll. That is not really remarkable except for the fact that these young girls want to look like their Barbie. It isn’t the same as boys wanting to be like GI Joe. Little boys think if they have a dart gun or fatigues they look like GI Joe. If they are screaming and shooting a toy gun they become him. Little girls really want to be Barbie to the extent that it is frightening. They want the hair, the shoes, the tops, but mostly they want the body. Barbies’ proportions, for example, found that her back would be too weak to support the weight of her upper body and her lower body would be too narrow to contain more then half a liver and only a few centimeters of bowel. A real woman who was built that way would suffer from chronic diarrhea and eventually die. Eating disorders affect almost half of all teenage girls in some capacity. Who is responsible—media, TV, girlfriends, boyfriends, genetics, web sites, parents? It’s all of us. We all have ways of judging people and in this society we usually judge what we see first.

Men are more visual and I use to think if we change men’s thinking or educated them about the importance of the way they talk to women and about women we could turn this body image epidemic around. Although men could be educated more in regards to women’ bodies and what they experience in relation to hormones and body fat, they are not really the problem. Most men marry a woman that is average height 5’4’’, and weight twenty to forty pounds over their desired weight. Men talk about beautiful women, but they go deeper than our look when they are talking about love or marriage (how deep is up to negotiation). I think women are the real problem. We hold ourselves up to impossible standards. Men are sick of hearing about our thighs, our wrinkles, and our hair.

It is women who have to make the change. We have to understand that the concept of beauty is driven by an advertisement industry. This industry is all about making money. We women fall for it hook, line and sinker. We buy products to boost us up, hold us in, cover our age spots, and define our waists. We don’t only judge ourselves, but we judge our daughters and we judge our daughters’ friends. We make foolish mistakes by trying to make our daughters the most beautiful in the class so they (or is it us?) can be popular. How do we get out of this mess?

1. Before you buy anything look at it carefully. What is the advertiser trying to convince you of? If they are trying to sell you something that is going to make you more beautiful do you really believe this is going to change your life? Wouldn’t everyone buy it if it were so powerful?

2. If your man really wanted a “Barbie Doll” could he get one? If he could why is he with you? If you aren’t sure, maybe you should ask him.

3. What would improve in your life if you were as thin as Barbie? Would you have more confidence? Would you feel more accomplished? Maybe your looks are not the problem. Maybe it is deeper and the fact that you have a flaw (a little overweight) makes it easier to not deal with the real issue.

4. When your daughter does something special reward her with your time, not by buying her something that “will make her look more beautiful”. She is beautiful enough and so are you.

MJo

       I am involved with counseling in the Weight Management Center at Methodist Hospital. One of the main issues I deal with is body image for women undergoing obesity treatment. I cannot stress enough how a woman's body image dramatically affects her ability to be sexual and to enjoy her sexuality. Women who are overweight feel embarrassed about their bodies and unworthy of having someone love them or desire them.

      For the most part every woman struggles with her body image from time to time. Our bodies fluctuate more than men due to hormonal imbalances. As women, we also retain more fluid and fat in our bodies than men. This is to insure our ability to get pregnant and also is what makes us women. Our skin is softer, we have more curves, and we are more emotional when compared to men. Women are judged harshly by society-particularly where weight is an issue. Studies done in the 60's and 80's revealed that small children would rather play with someone in a wheelchair or missing body parts than someone who was obese. The depth of the problem begins at a young age and gets more severe as we grow older.

       Many of the women I counsel go to extremes to hide their weight from their husbands. One patient told me her husband has never seen her naked. How sad as the biggest "turn on" for most men is to see their partner naked. Another patient told me when she takes a shower she lines the glass walls with towels so her husband cannot see her. Women don't go to these extremes without feelings of shame and guilt. The media makes it clear about the body types women "should" have. Women who cannot achieve this body type (99% of all women) tend to tell themselves that there is something wrong with their body and, therefore, try to hide it with clothes, towels, or etc. Sometimes obesity covers that body and is used as a defense to keep others away. The underlying motivation is the same: your body must be punished for not fitting in with other more attractive bodies.

Suggestions for re-discovery and loving your body:

1. Write down who taught you that your body wasn't okay. Who were these people (if it was a magazine or article) and who gave them authority over you?

2. Find pictures of bodies that look more like yours. Begin to look at these bodies. Evaluate them. What do you like about them, what don't you like about them (it is easier to evaluate fairly when it isn't your body).

3. Begin to explore your own body. What parts of your body respond to touch? What parts of your body bring back bad memories when you touch them?

4. If you are married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend ask this person what they like about your body. Write down what they say and post it somewhere you will see it frequently throughout the day. Re-read it and say these positive messages aloud. Create "new tapes".

5. Remember...everyone no matter their size, race, or creed has a right to enjoy the pleasures of their body. Before you begin to change your bodies through surgery to achieve a "more perfect one" consider changing your thoughts!

 

      There was a movie on several years ago and it was called Jerry McQuire. A famous line in the movie was "you complete me". I am not sure how that stance was meant to be understood but many people thought it meant that Jerry (the character who made the comment) was not a whole person without this woman. You hear it all the time; country western songs talking about some lonely cowboy "needing their other half" or when I meet someone they tell me "this is my better half".

       My favorite memory in regards to this topic of searching for one's other half or searching for someone to complete you was something my father use to say. He would tell us, "Listen up...it's a long cold winter and there ain't no Santa Claus". We would laugh when he said this because his eyes would light up and we delighted in his expression. What he was trying to tell us is "you're the total deal right now". No one is going to save you and you aren't missing any part of yourself. You need to get yourself together and take care of your self so you can be complete with or without another person.

       Many of us stay in worn out relationships and in bad situations because we don't know who we are or how limitless we really are. We think we need someone to help us through life. We deceive ourselves into thinking we would be nothing if this other person were not in our life. We tell ourselves we would not be able to run a household on our own. I am an advocate for strong healthy families. That doesn't mean that I believe you should stay in unhealthy relationships because you are afraid of the alternatives. Most children grow up healthier in homes where a mom and dad are present. However, they don't grow up healthier in homes where there is a mom and dad present but also alcoholism, abuse, and/or constant fighting. If you are settling in a relationship that you know is unhealthy then get out. It is simple: you don't need this person. This person is not completing you and you are whole the way you are.

        Are you feeling that you are not sure who you are? Have you been in this relationship for so long that you have become afraid of whom you are? Maybe your "other half's" telling you that no one else will ever want you? Do you believe them? Try this for quick insight into finding yourself.

 

1. Write down three things you are really good at and make you happy.
2. Write down when the last time you engaged in these three things.
3. Write down excuses you made for not doing these things that you are good at and that bring you happiness.
4. Write down which of those excuses you have control over changing.
5. Write down what you fear about changing those excuses

That's all you have to do for now in seeing your completeness. Have a great and whole week!!!

MJo

         I was listening to some of my teen patients the other day. It is incredible that sex education hasn't changed much since I was a kid. The school still separates the students by gender and show a film. From there it sounds like they receive a lecture about how dangerous STDs are and why you shouldn't have sex. Texas is in third place among all states for having the most teen pregnancies. Does anyone see what I see? The current sex education programs offered are not working.

         Let's look at this carefully. First of all we know the studies suggest that teens who get STDs and pregnant are feeling lost and disconnected from their family and friends. They usually are not doing well in academics. They feel like failures in other areas of their life and choose to get pregnant as a way of being good at something. Teens who delay sex until their late teens or beyond usually have two parent households and have more parent supervision. They are doing their homework and performing better in their classes. No girl under the age of eighteen benefits from having sex.

        Girls approach relationships much differently than boys. They have different concepts of care taking, nurturing, and will delay their own interests to attend to the boy. This may develop into going along with the boy, doing what he wants to do for the sake of securing the relationship. The problem is they begin to focus on the boy and their own goals get side tracked. Girls are also responsible for birth control, protecting themselves from STDs and the consequences of having sex. Until the age of 21 the frontal cortex is not fully developed. This means the part of the brain that helps you reason, control impulses, as well as understand consequences in not fully working. How can you possibly attend to all of the possible consequences of having sex without part of your brain being fully engaged? Let's not forget hormones are volatile throughout adolescents. You can understand how difficult this becomes.

1. As a parent this is an opportunity for you. Teach your girls about SEX. Set dates with her or go for a walk. Begin by listening to her. The talk about celebrities and about your feelings in regards to sex. You want your daughter to know she can come to you any time. You want her to understand that the most important issue is her health and her goals.
2. Realize that no school will teach your daughter as well as you do. You can talk about values, your own morals, and the importance of establishing a friendship. You can provide the knowledge of birth control, STDs, and keeping her body healthy. Your teaching can be ongoing whereas the school only spends one afternoon.
3. Stress the importance of being the one in charge of her body. Yes, girls do have to be more responsible for birth control, STDs, and pregnancy. But there is a POWER in being able to say "NO". Saying I am not ready for sex at this time in my life. Most of the guys I know will respect this and may end up feeling more enamored with her then if she had said "Yes".
4. If you don't talk to your daughter about sex, someone else will...and it will always be less true then what you could have provided. No one will ever love your daughter like you do. Please begin today and open up the conversation. If you don't lecture and stay open to explore her feelings you may end up feeling much closer and she will know she can always come back to you.
5. Stay in Contact with Her. Your child did not ask to be born. You brought her here. Stay engaged with her; know where she is and who she is with. You taught her to ride a bike, tie her shoe, and wrap a present. Now step up to the plate and teach her about sexuality.

Have a great week!!!

MJo

 

       The only way to lose weight, begin a new healthy life-style, or create a new you is through self love. The reason diets don't work is because there is a beginning and an ending. When you end a diet it is usually because you are frustrated and angry with your self, your lack of discipline or your inability to stay committed to your goals. You feel defeated that once again you let yourself down.

       Everyone talks about self love, but what is it? You don't want to go around bragging about yourself and become obnoxiously narcissistic. Rather, self love is simply understanding and trusting that your inner beauty is your birthright. It isn't easy to explain because it is your essence. You don't have to do anything except acknowledge it. It is ageless and timeless and it grows with your years of experience.

       Many patients struggle because they don't realize their inner beauty. They are trying to be thinner, tanner, blonder, and more beautiful to the camera, an admirer, or family. They forget the most important person who must acknowledge their beauty...themselves. You cannot make life changes if you cannot accept this essence or beauty within you. You will become impatient and demanding; the harder you try to make the change the more you will fail at it. Let go. Try to spend time alone with silence and write your thoughts without judgment. Try listening to other people without judgment. Try for one day to only speak kindly to yourself. No matter what kinds of mistakes you may make don't use harsh words or beat yourself up. This is a nice way to talk with yourself when you feel like you made a mistake.

"Wow, that didn't go quite as we planned. It's okay...we are learning and we can learn together. I am on your side. There is nothing we cannot handle if we do it together"

        Now, as you say that out loud, don't you feel different about yourself? Do you see how you may be able befriend yourself? Little changes like this mean a lot when you are learning how to love yourself. Everyone can do this; it just takes some attention to what you are currently saying to yourself.

        Make this your new mantra for a day (or two). Say "clarity, focus, ease and grace." See how your behaviors change toward yourself and others as you go about saying this during work, exercise class, or a meeting.

       We were all created to be joyful and love ourselves! In childhood and adolescence we become critical and disgusted with ourselves. We tend to hate ourselves and behaviors and begin to sabotage our ability to live healthy. Only you can change how you feel about you. Start today...chose one small change each day becoming aware of your inner beauty.

MJo

Have you ever met women who inspire you by their very existence? These women just make you want to be around them. They have a way or style of living that expresses their complete faith and comfort in themselves and their abilities. What are the hallmarks of these women? What sets them apart from others?

1. She thinks for herself. She has learned how to feel, think, decide and act for herself. If she runs into an area of concern she asks for direction or help, but ultimately she decides for herself and follows her course of action. She doesn't blame others when things don't go as she had planned. She tries another path.

2. She doesn't mind taking risks. She doesn't put herself in danger but does allow herself to try new things and take risks that will teach her and challenge her.

3. These women take care of themselves. You see them at the gym, walking, hiking, biking, in the hair salons, or at the book stores. These women are good at caring for themselves almost knowing innately that they need to nurture themselves in order to nurture others.

4. These women don't have time to gossip or tear others down. They are busy with their own lives and their own enthusiasm for trying new things. They are ahead of their own time. You will see them in high school and they will stand out because they don't need to engage in "Catty behavior" to feel like they belong. They have an intuition that they already belong and they don't succumb to immature behavior to fit in. They are leaders and they lead with a sense of helping others feel good about themselves.

5. These women have an interest in the outside world. They don't try to limit their existence, but rather try to expand it. They are interested in how others do things, fee, and take care of their families. They are secure enough so they don't feel threatened by different cultures, no matter how different they are.

Who are these women? Look around. Maybe they are your friend, your mother, or maybe even you.

A few days go my co-author (Janine Sherman) and I were talking about our upcoming book tour. We were discussing what was important to give to people we met along the way. What was the essence of our book, of ourselves. We decided we would have these wrist bands to give away. The publicist told us she liked the idea of two toned pink bands since the book represents mothers' and daughters' and pink is the color of our book. I loved this, and so did my co-author. Then we started talking about what to write on the band. Of course we had to mention the book. We began shouting out other things along with the "Start Talking". Then I said it "Empowering the Next Generation".

What does that mean? To me that means that if we start with girls who grow into women and then they start relationships with boys who grow into men...eventually we will affect the whole life cycle. I can think of a million ways this generation of young people is the best and brightest so far. I can also see problems that plague this generation that my generation didn't worry much about such as teen pregnancy, STD's, cyber bullying, anorexia, competing with celebrities, etc.

If I am not part of the next generations solution I become an obstacle. One way I can help is to keep promoting the concept of talking to your teen, better yet listening to them. They have so much to say, but they cannot say it if you don't give them your time. Forget the cell phones, cars, money, limo's....give them your TIME. It is our most prized possession. Don't give it all to work, outings, or people you don't even know. Give it to your kids, your kid's friends, and to the next generation.