When I was a child my parents use to say, “We’ll see,” when they couldn’t commit to a promise, either a “yes” or a “no.” The dreaded, “We’ll see,” use to leave me feeling anxious and hopeful that it would evolve into a clear yes or no depending on what I was requesting. I didn’t place much value on my parent’s commitment to keeping their words until I became older and realized that the whole world didn’t function like that. In fact, much of the world is okay with saying definitive Yes and No’s that hold less value than the air it took to force them out of the mouth they came from.

One of my areas of work is in media, and if you want to hear a lot of yes and no’s with little value, this line of work will keep you well supplied. It is so common to not keep your word in media that when I find someone who actually commits to their word, I send them flowers, candy or promise to take their kids for the weekend (keeping my word). Part of the empty promises is due to the fickleness of the business. Things change fast, and what was true yesterday is not today.  My concern with the media field is that when truths are rare and lies become so casual, the teller of the lie no longer feels as if it is wrong. Many of them don’t trust one another and they aren’t trustworthy themselves. I am not sure how they are with their real lives, because I no longer trust who they say they are, nor do I believe they trust themselves.

It’s one thing when promises are made and not kept at work, but when broken promises and untruths are brought home to your family and friends it is destructive. Children, parents, friends and family members form expectations and plan their days around what those closest to them tell them. If you promise an aging parent that you are going to spend the day or part of the day with them, and then you don’t show up or even call, it is experienced as a letdown for the parent. Your parent most likely told every grocery clerk or postal service person who would listen that you were coming.  Along with your promise, they imagined things they wanted to share with you, getting a hug from you, and feeling important enough that you would want to spend time with them. Your promise was more than your word; it was an anticipated experience for them.  When a divorced parent promises their child that they are going to have a great weekend together, that child may talk about it to their friends and teachers with great excitement! Can you imagine how that excitement fizzles if you don’t show up? Or maybe worse, you pick your excited child up, but drop them off with a babysitter or parent because a “better offer came up?” This happens frequently. You are teaching your child that your word means nothing, and they interpret your behavior to mean they are nothing to you either.

If your word means nothing, you neither have nor stand for anything and it keeps building. There is a better way, and it doesn’t involve saying yes when you mean, “I cannot commit to you, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Being honest with what you can and cannot do, and then following through (no matter what offer comes up) is the solution to being a trustworthy person. Here are a few more suggestions to rebuilding your trust with people you have let down.

1. The next promise you make, tell the person up front that you are sorry you have not kept your word in the past. Acknowledge how that must have hurt them. Ask them if you can try again, and commit to a smaller promise (share breakfast instead of a whole morning) this time.
2. If the answer is going to be NO, just say it. The person hearing no is angry at the word, not you. They become angry with you when you say “YES,” but were too weak to tell the truth.
3. If you are going to be late with a promised meeting or agenda, call the person in advance. Don’t leave them waiting by the door or the phone. That is just plain rude. You are no longer just untrustworthy; you are also an insensitive liar.
4. If unfulfilled promises have a financial impact, you are wise to get any and all promises written with a legal document. Somehow when people know they may have to pay for an unkept promise, they are more motivated to keep their promise.
5. 5.     Usually when a promise is made to someone and not kept there is a fall back person (the person who picks up and builds up the person you let down). If you continually make promises you don’t keep, you may want to consider apologizing to the fall back person as well. They won’t believe you because they most likely have lost their trust in you, but you do owe them an apology.

Every human I know has made at least one promise they didn’t keep. Hopefully, it’s only one or two. If this is a consistent pattern for you, it’s time to work on this. If you destroy someone’s ability to trust you, you have destroyed someone who had faith in you at one time. With each year that passes, you will realize there are less and less people who have faith in you. Life gets lonely when no one trusts you anymore. Life becomes hell when you don’t trust yourself anymore.

My husband’s birthday is the day after Valentine’s Day so celebrating is a double whammy. Buying him gifts for the two holidays is tough because I like buying him sentimental things for Valentine’s Day and useful things for his birthday. He is a practical man; he enjoys working in the yard and fixing things in the house. I encourage this part of him because he has a stressful job and working on things seems to relax him. I’ve been bugging him since the holidays about what he wants for his birthday, so last week when he came to me with a big grin on his face pointing to a magazine telling me, “This is what I want,” I paid attention. It was inside a Prime Living Magazine, for which I write, where he found his dream gift: a “man cave” you could build at home.

The man caves featured in the article were incredible. One look and I knew it was the perfect gift! Some were round and hanging from a tree. Some of them were fashioned after elaborate cottages hidden in the trees. I kept looking at the pictures and imagining how they would look in our yard. I looked at him and said, “Wow, we need one of these! We can climb up inside and retreat for days.” His face changed, and he became suddenly serious and said, “Wait a minute, the idea of the man cave is I go into it by myself. I go there to retreat, to think, and to work on stuff.” He went on to say, “I get to eat what I want (I’m vegetarian, he’s not), listen to what I want (he likes 60’s rock, I like bossa nova), and it’s a place only for ‘the man.’” The more he talked, the more I realized what a great concept a “man cave” is. It allows men freedom from being anything other than a man.

During dinner that night, we had a lively conversation about the man cave with several of our friends. I was surprised that more women weren’t open to the idea. They seemed a little jealous that their man would leave or wouldn’t be completely in need of their company all the time. One of my friends told us that her home is a man cave. She has sons, and she said they all act like barbarians in the home. She felt that a woman’s cave would be more appropriate. The conversation became so animated that my husband conceded and said he didn’t really want a man cave, but he brought the whole idea up because he thought it was funny. I didn’t and don’t think it’s funny…I think it’s ingenious. I think a man cave could save marriages, and they would be much cheaper and less destructive than a divorce.

Men who need a man cave but don’t build one may end up creating one in their relationship. They achieve this by withdrawing, getting defensive when their partner asks for more of their time, and sometimes by abandoning the relationship. Guys need time to be alone. Women do too, but women often prefer the company of friends during their “alone time.” Women are more verbal and frequently include other women in their alone time by chatting online, talking on the phone or through texting. Guys’ alone time looks different; it is alone. My husband takes a trip with his brothers every year to an old cabin in Canada that they have frequented since childhood. The best part of his vacation is when they all do their own thing during the day…alone. He writes, fishes, catches bugs, and whatever, but it is done in solitude. He is a better husband because of this trip.

With the economy and mortgage approvals making it barely possible for many to own their own home, purchasing the material to construct a man cave may be tough. You can achieve a man cave concept by giving your guy his own space within your home; this will help prevent your marriage or relationship from being sacrificed due to his need for solitude.  Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:

1. Decide where in the home “his area/cave” will be. Guys like to take up a lot of space, so maybe a whole room or part of the garage for him would be best.
2. After you settle on a place, let him decorate it. Don’t worry; men’s taste with décor isn’t as expensive as women’s.  Guys like caves and can do with minimal stuff….usually.
3. I think it is a great idea to not frequent his area. He needs his own place to retreat and if you begin going in there all the time, then there is no boundary and he is going to become resentful of your invasion. Guys, if your wife or girlfriend agrees not to invade your man cave, then you will have to agree to clean it up. I know this sort of violates the idea of a man cave, but a roach infestation in the house due to leftover food is not okay.
4. Kids should stay out of the man cave unless their dad personally invites them in.
5. I would never help build a man cave for my man if I didn’t trust him. In fact, I wouldn’t share a home with anyone I didn’t trust. 

We aren’t going to build a man cave this year, but I am going to help make “his space” at our home more comfortable. He wants a new desk for his computer. He chose one that didn’t match the décor, but it is his man cave within our home. Great marriages are built with trust, understanding, and realizing you cannot be all things to your partner. Encouraging each other’s alone time can energize your marriage and make you more appreciative of the person you share your cave with.