A month ago a video went viral when a 12 year old girl recorded herself looking very sincere with a cute hat on her head asking if she was pretty. The little girl took the recording, posted it on YouTube and the rest is history. Every person interested in vulnerable, silly little girls modestly dressed with a cute voice responded. The responses were mixed and extreme. Some comments told her how ugly she was, some validated her concern, but reassured her, and a few scolded her for doing such an action. The most common criticism asked where her parents were (her mom was especially named), and why were they not monitoring what she does online.

Last week on Fox 26 during my segment of answering viewer questions, a 12 year old wrote me the following question:

Dear Mary Jo, I am on spring break and tape your segments each week. This week I have a big problem. I want to go to a concert. I am an honors student, get only A’s and B’s and am very responsible. I want to go to a concert with my friend. My mom says I am too young. I have reassured her that I will call her every half hour, and she knows my friend and trusts her. Will you please help convince my mom that it is okay for me to go? Thank you, Kellie.

I answered Kellie’s question on Fox 26 this week, because she asks a very poignant question. How can a 12 year old talk mom into getting her own way? It’s obvious that Kellie has no idea what dangers lurk in a concert crowd for a 12 year old. Kellie is able to use the internet and Facebook (even though you aren’t suppose to be on Facebook until you are 13 years old), she has a cell phone so she can call home to check in with mom, and she believes that if she continues to bargain a bit longer with mom, that mom will acquiesce due to fatigue. Moms (and dads) are more and more under the gun. They not only have to try to secure their child’s safety with the dangers they can see, but they have to try and minimize the more threatening danger -- the virtual world these kids belong to. This was my answer to Kellie:

Dear Kellie,

I want to thank you for watching my segments on Fox 26 and trusting me with your very important question. I love your mom. I want to put her face up on a billboard and say, “This is what a mother does…she says, “NO.” You sound like a smart girl, and you sound as if you have been taught to negotiate and be assertive. These are wonderful traits, and I am glad your mom has helped nurture these skills. There is one trait you must learn a bit more though…and that is respect for “NO” when it is in your own best interest. I agree with your mother. You are much too precious to go to a concert at the age of twelve without a parent. You have no idea, Kellie, of the possible dangers, and no one will ever love you like your mom. I would like you to go to your mother and tell her that you are so grateful you have a loving, engaged mom, and tell her Mary Jo wants to use her for a poster mom. Lastly, if you really want to negotiate further, one thing she may enjoy is if she invites a friend and they take you and your friend to the concert. You can make it a “girl’s night” and strengthen the mother-daughter bond that you are so fortunate to have. Thanks for asking me my opinion; I am expecting great achievements from you in the future.  

Being a parent has always been tough, but being a parent today is tough for much different reasons. Our society has become so permissive with parent/child boundaries that telling your child, “No,” is increasingly difficult. This is partly due to the parent’s lack of engagement with their kid’s life. They have no idea what their child is doing. That may not have been necessary years back, but now if the child has a computer in their room, their body may be in their room, but their mind and actions can be anywhere. If parents don’t talk to their kids and understand their virtual world, they are missing out on 50% of what is going on in their child’s life. For all of you parents who feel overwhelmed by your child’s virtual world, this is a quick way to begin:

• You need to talk to your kids. You need to find out who their friends are and what websites they frequent. This is a good time to say yes or no to inappropriate sites.
• Get the computer out of the bedroom and into a large family area. Have a large screen so you can glance at it quickly as you walk by. Computers in a child’s bedroom are a luxury (for the child and many time the parents). If your teen has a computer and food in their bedroom, why would they want to come out?
• Prior to setting up a computer, talk about online acceptable behavior. Digital manners are important with all virtual media.
• Limit all computer and cell phone use. If a child wants to post a picture, it must be parent approved.
• Your child should never befriend an adult unless they are related to you.
• Your child will have difficulty understanding the concept of permanence; this is due to their frontal cortex not being fully developed. As much as you can, underline the fact that nothing is ever truly gone on the internet. Being a child means making mistakes, but in the case of posting a mistake, it goes on and on.
• If you are too busy to monitor your child’s activity on the Internet or their cell phones, hire a company to monitor it for you. I am an expert for www.truecare.com and can tell you of numerous lives it has saved, as well as accidents it has prevented.

We cannot save our children from all of the dangers any more than our parents could save us. We can be proactive though, and we can assert our parental authority and say, “NO,” even if that isn’t the most popular response. Parents cannot be parents and be their kid’s buddy. Be your spouse’s buddy, be your kid’s mom and dad.

Let’s just put it this way, “Facebooking” and “YouTubing” are no longer just a “cute” thing kids do for fun to pass the time.  Not understanding the risks associated with the many social media outlets poses a huge potential problem to the safety and well-being of our children.

To keep them safe, it is something that needs to be monitored closely.  To fully understand the potential dangers, we, as parents/teachers/child advocates need to educate ourselves and then monitor closely.

I am a psychotherapist with a private practice in Houston, Texas, and a media expert for several networks. I co-authored a book for moms and daughters about the importance of teaching young women about their bodies and health.  Since the start of the New Year, I have been interviewed by CNN on the topic of ‘Teens, Facebook and How it Can Lead to Depression.’ I have also done other interviews around kids and Internet safety.

I read the headlines daily, and see sad story after sad story about a child who was not supervised by engaged parents or children whose parents were not aware of their child’s virtual world. If you lose a child due to cyber bullying or depression due to feeling isolated and friendless, it is too late to become involved and ask the questions you need to ask now. Telling yourself that your child would never be involved in dangerous activities online is denial on a parent’s part. Any parent who has parented a teen understands being proactive is wiser than trying to scramble when bad things happen.  

Thus, I wanted to take some time to educate or re-educate parents about the reasons they need to be engaged in their kids’ Internet activity.

Whether it’s browsing websites like YouTube, networking on social media, playing video or other internet-connected games, or downloading files, every activity poses potential dangers that parents should be aware of.

Before the Internet was so accessible to all children, kids could come home and we, as parents, could ask them how their day was, who they hung out with or had lunch with, or how their activities went after school.

Judging by their child’s response, we could get a fairly good idea of the events and interactions of the day and, by just looking at their face or judging their reactions to our questions, understand how their day actually was.

Well, our children now have a world very different from the one we have known throughout their life.

They have an online world with real people, real events and real drama – that can easily be hidden from our view and protection.

So, let’s start with a quick quiz. Do you know:

• If your child has a Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, or Tumblr account?
• How they use each social networking site they have?
• How many friends do they have? Do they know all of those friends?
• If they have more than one Facebook page?
• ALL of their friends and connections on each site? Do they?
• How much time your child spends online in general?
• What your child does on YouTube?
• If the video games they play connect to the Internet?

Each of these questions represents online activity by most kids on most days.

By using these social media and search vehicles and playing video games online, they can be whoever they want, talk to anyone they want, or research anything they want.  And until we communicate with them about the happenings in that digital world, we are missing out on what’s going on in their entire world.

I recommend two avenues:

Daily communication of what happened online. Questions might include:

• “Where did you spend your time online today – IM, Facebook, games, surfing, etc?”
• “Did you make any new friends?”
• “Have you noticed anyone having trouble – I read a lot about cyber bullying.”
• “Did you play any new online games today?”
• “Would you mind showing that (whatever it may be) to me?”
• I would also suggest proper etiquette rules of Facebook and texts.
• I would check their phone for inappropriate photos and go over those rules and consequences prior to giving them the phone (it is a privilege after all…not a necessity).

Monitor Internet and computer activity using preventative measures that work best for you:

• Restricting Internet use to a public space such as the kitchen or family room and allowing kids on the computer only when you are home.
• Managing your computer’s own settings for password control.
• Adding software-based controls to your computer.
• Ensuring that privacy settings on all Internet-based accounts are set to your standards. This includes sites like Facebook, but also YouTube and online photo sites like Snapfish or Picasso.

Add a service to monitor your children’s activity on sites like Facebook, Twitter and YouTube to send you alerts based around your child’s activities.

Checking to ensure these same settings and measures are also used on cellular phones that have Internet access.

While there is no perfect solution, a combination of these measures and daily interactions will help provide your child with a safe online experience. As always, we recommend you keep the conversations around Internet safety open and positive so expectations and rules are made cut and dry.

In a place where predators are present, cyber bullying is increasing, and defaming the reputations of others happens rampantly, we need to be keeping a very close eye.

As we enter 2012, I, along with my partner, TrueCare.com, will continue to help parents understand that they do need to be monitoring their kids online. There has never been a more vulnerable time in your child’s life where what you don’t know really can hurt you (and your child).  We want to move the needle in raising awareness and make “monitoring kids online” the next “buckle your seat belt.”

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you are probably already making plans to visit friends and family. The kids are off from school, and you are looking forward to not having routines and school activities. Even though you sense peacefulness at this time without the hubbub, your child may not. Your child did not leave their “world” behind at school. Their world is increasingly the life they have online. It is the texts, the emails, the Facebook, and the MySpace. You can be a great parent in all aspects; however, if you don’t understand who your child is talking to online, what they are experiencing or who is coming into your home over the phone or computer, you are missing an important aspect of your child’s life.

Facebook, Time Warner and Cartoon Network recently announced the launch of an anti-bullying campaign to help change lives and make children safe from bullying. The national exposure of this campaign is exactly what this severe issue needs – public awareness and request for action. Parents are always more powerful in their children’s life if they form a united front. Below are tips for parents who have children using the Internet, social media networks and cell phones. 

Discussion, discussion, and more discussion.  Parents must have a basic knowledge about what’s going on in their kid’s online worlds from a verbal and physical standpoint. Since social networking has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation. The more open you are with your kids and facilitate a safe and non-judgmental environment for conversation, the more likely they are to tell you if they come across an issue.

In addition to talking to kids about cyber bullying, parents should spread the word to other parents and act as a true advocate for the issue. The more you talk about it, the more useful information you can share. Comment on blogs, forward news stories, “re-share” on Facebook, stand up at the PTO meeting – use any communications necessary to get your voice heard.

Take the time.  The good news is that with a national campaign, there will be information, discussions, surveys, resources and solutions everywhere. Take the extra time to read and comprehend the information to make yourself knowledgeable on the issues and to act as a resource to other parents and kids.

Learn the warning signs.  As mentioned, information will be more available from a reference perspective so take advantage of it. Learn about the warning signs of bullying so that you can recognize it in your own child or any child. Remember that a sudden, drastic change in your child’s behavior might mean something is going on. Below are just a few signs of bullying, but don’t forget to trust your instincts:

• Torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Fear of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part with peers in organized activities
• No interest in school or their grades
• Weepy, sad, moody, or depressed after school behaviors
• Complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments
• Loss of appetite or weight gain
• Anxiousness or low-self-esteem

Teach children exactly what to do if they get an offensive or threatening post or comment. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations and when to bring the issues to you. When they do, believe them and show your support.

The Golden Rule does apply to online interactions. It may be the first rule taught to kids, “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” You set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave online as you have taught them in real life.  Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do.

While you are taking the necessary measures to stop bullying and get more involved in what is going on online, there are a few other items that parents should pay attention to while monitoring social networking sites for cyber bullying.

• “Friends” and connections - Make sure you know them all. Kids are likely to accept requests from almost anyone. Discuss with them as to why they should only be connected to people they know and only connected to adults who are family members. There is no good reason why adults and kids should be connected online.
• Posted Photos - Take a close look at the types of photos your kids post and make sure you are comfortable with the content. Remember that the interpretation of the photo lies in the eyes of the beholder, meaning a simple photo in a bathing suit on a family vacation could mean different things to its viewers.  Also, take a look at photos posted of your child by others. What may be appropriate to one may not be appropriate to all. Additionally, with geo-tagging, photos show the location of the poster. Scary?

• Time spent online and where - Keep tabs on many hours per day your child is online, what sites they are on and where they are accessing these sites from.

Parents can also help by simply monitoring their children’s social media accounts using services such as TrueCare.com, an internet-based service that may provide an early warning of potentially concerning or dangerous online behavior. Each parent knows their child best, as well as their own work schedule. If you cannot monitor your child’s online posts, this type of service sends automatic email alerts concerning activity related to “friends,” photos or posts within their child’s social networking accounts like Facebook, Twitter, My Space and more.  The service helps parents protect their children 24/7 – no matter where children access their social network accounts. Our children are growing up in a virtual world. Their ability to understand how it works is much better than their ability to understand the consequences of what they’re exposing for millions to see. It is our job as their parents to secure their safety until they are mature enough to understand the permanence of their random, fleeting, and immature thoughts.