Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you are probably already making plans to visit friends and family. The kids are off from school, and you are looking forward to not having routines and school activities. Even though you sense peacefulness at this time without the hubbub, your child may not. Your child did not leave their “world” behind at school. Their world is increasingly the life they have online. It is the texts, the emails, the Facebook, and the MySpace. You can be a great parent in all aspects; however, if you don’t understand who your child is talking to online, what they are experiencing or who is coming into your home over the phone or computer, you are missing an important aspect of your child’s life.

Facebook, Time Warner and Cartoon Network recently announced the launch of an anti-bullying campaign to help change lives and make children safe from bullying. The national exposure of this campaign is exactly what this severe issue needs – public awareness and request for action. Parents are always more powerful in their children’s life if they form a united front. Below are tips for parents who have children using the Internet, social media networks and cell phones. 

Discussion, discussion, and more discussion.  Parents must have a basic knowledge about what’s going on in their kid’s online worlds from a verbal and physical standpoint. Since social networking has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation. The more open you are with your kids and facilitate a safe and non-judgmental environment for conversation, the more likely they are to tell you if they come across an issue.

In addition to talking to kids about cyber bullying, parents should spread the word to other parents and act as a true advocate for the issue. The more you talk about it, the more useful information you can share. Comment on blogs, forward news stories, “re-share” on Facebook, stand up at the PTO meeting – use any communications necessary to get your voice heard.

Take the time.  The good news is that with a national campaign, there will be information, discussions, surveys, resources and solutions everywhere. Take the extra time to read and comprehend the information to make yourself knowledgeable on the issues and to act as a resource to other parents and kids.

Learn the warning signs.  As mentioned, information will be more available from a reference perspective so take advantage of it. Learn about the warning signs of bullying so that you can recognize it in your own child or any child. Remember that a sudden, drastic change in your child’s behavior might mean something is going on. Below are just a few signs of bullying, but don’t forget to trust your instincts:

• Torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Fear of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part with peers in organized activities
• No interest in school or their grades
• Weepy, sad, moody, or depressed after school behaviors
• Complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments
• Loss of appetite or weight gain
• Anxiousness or low-self-esteem

Teach children exactly what to do if they get an offensive or threatening post or comment. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations and when to bring the issues to you. When they do, believe them and show your support.

The Golden Rule does apply to online interactions. It may be the first rule taught to kids, “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” You set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave online as you have taught them in real life.  Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do.

While you are taking the necessary measures to stop bullying and get more involved in what is going on online, there are a few other items that parents should pay attention to while monitoring social networking sites for cyber bullying.

• “Friends” and connections - Make sure you know them all. Kids are likely to accept requests from almost anyone. Discuss with them as to why they should only be connected to people they know and only connected to adults who are family members. There is no good reason why adults and kids should be connected online.
• Posted Photos - Take a close look at the types of photos your kids post and make sure you are comfortable with the content. Remember that the interpretation of the photo lies in the eyes of the beholder, meaning a simple photo in a bathing suit on a family vacation could mean different things to its viewers.  Also, take a look at photos posted of your child by others. What may be appropriate to one may not be appropriate to all. Additionally, with geo-tagging, photos show the location of the poster. Scary?

• Time spent online and where - Keep tabs on many hours per day your child is online, what sites they are on and where they are accessing these sites from.

Parents can also help by simply monitoring their children’s social media accounts using services such as TrueCare.com, an internet-based service that may provide an early warning of potentially concerning or dangerous online behavior. Each parent knows their child best, as well as their own work schedule. If you cannot monitor your child’s online posts, this type of service sends automatic email alerts concerning activity related to “friends,” photos or posts within their child’s social networking accounts like Facebook, Twitter, My Space and more.  The service helps parents protect their children 24/7 – no matter where children access their social network accounts. Our children are growing up in a virtual world. Their ability to understand how it works is much better than their ability to understand the consequences of what they’re exposing for millions to see. It is our job as their parents to secure their safety until they are mature enough to understand the permanence of their random, fleeting, and immature thoughts.

Many couples struggle with infidelity. Affairs can happen at work, in bars, at school reunions, meetings and with your phone. Texting is one way the “other woman or man” enters the family. It is not uncommon for spouses to be texting their lover while eating dinner with their spouse, watching a movie with their spouse or shortly after making love to their spouse. It happens all the time. Send your spouse out for an errand to the grocery store, and they may have a chance to text their lover.  A doctor’s appointment for your child may turn into a heated conversation with your lover in the waiting room. There is no end to this type of affair, because there is no limit for Verizon or AT&T. Thus far, they don’t have an affair security for phones.

Couples who commit infidelity have one thing in common. They lie. The truth is covered up as well as all the pain that is going to tumble out once the affair is brought to life. It’s easy to lie to your spouse if they don’t catch you with the other person. Couples may also catch their spouse when they smell an unfamiliar cologne, or if their spouse wasn’t where they said they’d be, or they’re late picking up their child from an after school activity. One of the best, and newest forms of lie detection now are cell phones. First and foremost, couples are watching the degree to which their partner needs to guard their phone. Do they take the phone everywhere? Is the phone immediately hidden if you are around? If your spouse refuses to let you see their phone text and doesn’t work for the CIA, that is reason enough to be suspicious. Secondly, partners are watching to see if their spouse has poor boundaries for themselves. Poor boundaries indicate a tendency toward a need to be liked too much, which is correlated with inappropriate relationships. Lastly, they are suspicious when their spouse begins sending texts during dinner, bedtime, in the middle of the night, and first thing in the morning. This shows a boundary invasion and is inappropriate no matter who you work for, or what they are going through.

Many couples don’t address or communicate their feelings about texting or emailing until there is a violation. Many times at that point it is too late, as the affair has gone too far. If you have crossed boundaries in the past or have been accused of texting someone too much, you should take it seriously and talk to your spouse about it. Remember, telling your spouse you never had sex with this person, so you aren’t cheating is not true. You are cheating if you are texting someone and would feel ashamed or embarrassed if your spouse read them. Here are a few suggestions to “text proof” your relationship. If you talk to your partner about this now, it will safeguard your marriage from cheating:

1.     Talk together about texting. What is acceptable, and what is crossing the line? How does each of you feel about sexting? It is not true that if you ignore it, it won’t happen. Talking about these issues and preparing makes them less likely to happen.

2.     Agree on a plan regarding when and where cell phones are permitted. Shutting off your cell during a dinner out is wise, as that is your time. However, having your phone on during a coffee break with your spouse may be permitted if you are still on the clock.

3.     Couples who agree to shut their phones off at a specific time each evening protect their marriage from people who lack boundaries and will text any time of the day or night.

4.     Phone passwords should be made readily available to both spouses.

5.     Do an inside check. Would you be anxious if your spouse left with your phone for the day? Is there anything on there you would be ashamed of if they saw? If so, deal with it now.

Technology is making all sorts of relationships more available. When our parents got married, they did not have to worry about texting, sexting, and social networks. The only fool proof way to protect your marriage is to discuss these topics prior to letting them into your marriage. Establishing healthy boundaries so neither spouse feels monitored, but both feel protected and secure will safe guard your marriage and family.

Back to school ads are full of new clothes, running shoes, and back packs. The photos show smiling kids with perfectly groomed hair, freshly brushed teeth, a book bag on their back, and looking forward to the beginning of school. None of these kids appear to be anxious, sleep deprived, or worried about the stranger who is sending them bad texts or posting on their Facebook wall. The ads won’t show that, because many times with cyber-bullying we don’t see those things. This is the reason cyber-bullying is so dangerous to your child. The secret bully lurking behind the screen is many times someone they actually know, but with a different alias.

This year, along with the clothes, back packs, and perfect shoes, make sure you educate your child in regards to safety on the internet, social networking and texting. After cyber-bullying begins, it is very difficult to stop, and it never ends without hurting your child’s self esteem. It’s estimated by the National Education Association that up to 160,000 kids miss school each day for fear of being embarrassed, bullied, or both. Being proactive is the advantage every parent has before school ever begins. Sit down and go through the rules with your child or take several nights and make flash cards with your child to help them remember.

True Care Online is a company that I am an expert for. They encourage parents to learn and be involved with what their children are doing online. They also offer 24 hour monitoring for parents whose children are followed by a bully or are at high risk for cyber-bully behavior. They believe if parents are proactive and engage with their children each day about who they are talking to, they will have the advantage of knowing when and if something is out of the ordinary. Together we provide the following tips to parents. It is called “Back to Basics 101”:

1.     Discussion. Discussion. Discussion. Parents must have a good sense about what’s going on in their kid’s online world. Since using Facebook and other social media sites has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation.

2.     Keep the Computer in a Common Area Laptops, smart phones, and tablets have allowed us to overlook the cardinal rule of kids on the internet – keep the communication vehicles in a common area where parents can monitor websites and time allocated to internet activity.

3.     Manners for Texting, E-Mailing or Chatting Online As you have in every aspect of your child’s life, set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave as you have taught them in real life.  Typed content is the same as verbal communication. Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do. 

4.     Understand the Settings of Social Media Sites
Settings can sometimes be difficult to find and hard to navigate. Understanding the settings can save you time and heartache down the road. They control what information people can and can’t see and what information is sent out upon posting.  You are the parent, be certain that any preferences or settings are set to your liking. Also remember that Facebook prohibits children under 13 from even having a Facebook account. Being a good parent means setting strong boundaries.

5.     Posting Pictures – Interpretation is in the Mind of the Beholder
A picture posted online is not private. A photo sent between cell phones is not private. Make sure that your children are aware that mistakes do happen and so-called private messages go public, or that sometimes people you trust make mistakes in judgment.  Once a photo hits a social media site, it can be downloaded and reposted across the entire web within hours.  It’s okay to tell your kids “No picture sending until you are over the age of 18 years unless I approve it.”

6.     Kids and Adults Should Not Be Friends
Don’t allow your kids to “friend” adults on social media sites. When your child connects with an adult, even if it’s a trusted friend or relative, they are exposed to the adult content and images posted on that adult’s site.

7.     Teach Children What to Do if They Get an Offensive or Threatening IM, E-mail, or Chat Room Post
The latest statistics indicate that 42% of children have been the victim of an online bully. Of that number, 58% never discussed the situation with their parents. The more conversations you have with your kids about what occurs online, the more likely they will be to talk to you about what’s going on. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations.

8.     If Your Child Has a Social Media Account, They are at Risk
No one can hide on the Internet.  A social media account allows for some of a child’s personal information to be viewable in a search engine. Be certain that content is managed appropriately. Performing a Google search every once in awhile may be a good idea to make sure that you’re aware of your kid’s online presence.

Parents need to tell their children frequently that whatever they post never goes away, it usually goes around. Many children don’t understand the danger of what they post as they live in the present. Being a parent who provides strong, clear boundaries can cyber-bully proof your child, and help deter your child from being a victim or aggressor.