Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you are probably already making plans to visit friends and family. The kids are off from school, and you are looking forward to not having routines and school activities. Even though you sense peacefulness at this time without the hubbub, your child may not. Your child did not leave their “world” behind at school. Their world is increasingly the life they have online. It is the texts, the emails, the Facebook, and the MySpace. You can be a great parent in all aspects; however, if you don’t understand who your child is talking to online, what they are experiencing or who is coming into your home over the phone or computer, you are missing an important aspect of your child’s life.

Facebook, Time Warner and Cartoon Network recently announced the launch of an anti-bullying campaign to help change lives and make children safe from bullying. The national exposure of this campaign is exactly what this severe issue needs – public awareness and request for action. Parents are always more powerful in their children’s life if they form a united front. Below are tips for parents who have children using the Internet, social media networks and cell phones. 

Discussion, discussion, and more discussion.  Parents must have a basic knowledge about what’s going on in their kid’s online worlds from a verbal and physical standpoint. Since social networking has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation. The more open you are with your kids and facilitate a safe and non-judgmental environment for conversation, the more likely they are to tell you if they come across an issue.

In addition to talking to kids about cyber bullying, parents should spread the word to other parents and act as a true advocate for the issue. The more you talk about it, the more useful information you can share. Comment on blogs, forward news stories, “re-share” on Facebook, stand up at the PTO meeting – use any communications necessary to get your voice heard.

Take the time.  The good news is that with a national campaign, there will be information, discussions, surveys, resources and solutions everywhere. Take the extra time to read and comprehend the information to make yourself knowledgeable on the issues and to act as a resource to other parents and kids.

Learn the warning signs.  As mentioned, information will be more available from a reference perspective so take advantage of it. Learn about the warning signs of bullying so that you can recognize it in your own child or any child. Remember that a sudden, drastic change in your child’s behavior might mean something is going on. Below are just a few signs of bullying, but don’t forget to trust your instincts:

• Torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Fear of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part with peers in organized activities
• No interest in school or their grades
• Weepy, sad, moody, or depressed after school behaviors
• Complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments
• Loss of appetite or weight gain
• Anxiousness or low-self-esteem

Teach children exactly what to do if they get an offensive or threatening post or comment. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations and when to bring the issues to you. When they do, believe them and show your support.

The Golden Rule does apply to online interactions. It may be the first rule taught to kids, “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” You set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave online as you have taught them in real life.  Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do.

While you are taking the necessary measures to stop bullying and get more involved in what is going on online, there are a few other items that parents should pay attention to while monitoring social networking sites for cyber bullying.

• “Friends” and connections - Make sure you know them all. Kids are likely to accept requests from almost anyone. Discuss with them as to why they should only be connected to people they know and only connected to adults who are family members. There is no good reason why adults and kids should be connected online.
• Posted Photos - Take a close look at the types of photos your kids post and make sure you are comfortable with the content. Remember that the interpretation of the photo lies in the eyes of the beholder, meaning a simple photo in a bathing suit on a family vacation could mean different things to its viewers.  Also, take a look at photos posted of your child by others. What may be appropriate to one may not be appropriate to all. Additionally, with geo-tagging, photos show the location of the poster. Scary?

• Time spent online and where - Keep tabs on many hours per day your child is online, what sites they are on and where they are accessing these sites from.

Parents can also help by simply monitoring their children’s social media accounts using services such as TrueCare.com, an internet-based service that may provide an early warning of potentially concerning or dangerous online behavior. Each parent knows their child best, as well as their own work schedule. If you cannot monitor your child’s online posts, this type of service sends automatic email alerts concerning activity related to “friends,” photos or posts within their child’s social networking accounts like Facebook, Twitter, My Space and more.  The service helps parents protect their children 24/7 – no matter where children access their social network accounts. Our children are growing up in a virtual world. Their ability to understand how it works is much better than their ability to understand the consequences of what they’re exposing for millions to see. It is our job as their parents to secure their safety until they are mature enough to understand the permanence of their random, fleeting, and immature thoughts.

Kids don’t come with a manual and neither does parenting. For the most part, good communication gets you through the rough times and helps to divert disaster. There is one particular dilemma most parents will experience that centers around the friends your child chooses. Many times kids make great choices, but sometimes the friends that choose your child are not great choices and, for some unknown reason, your child cannot get away from these types of friends. These friends are what I refer to as “toxic friends.” My two daughters both experienced some time with these types of friends; even though it was brief, it wasn’t as brief as it could have been had I been more aware.

If you give a situation time, it will usually work itself out. With toxic friends, however, that is not always true so an intervention is necessary. Before you can intervene, you need to know what you are looking for. The toxic friend may appear like the nice kid next door to you as a parent; yet, they say nasty things when no adult is around, and they make your child feel incompetent if they tell their parent. Here are a few more signs that your child may be involved with a toxic friend:

1.     If your child becomes totally obsessed with pleasing this friend, there is a good chance the power balance has shifted and your child is being used.

2.     If your child’s friend treats their parent or any adult with disdain, pay attention. This is not a good sign as they have issues with authority.

3.     Your child’s new friend doesn’t abide by your child’s rules. For example, if you tell your child no communicating after 9 p.m. and this friend continually calls or texts, saying rules are stupid or for little kids, this is not a friendship you want to nurture.

4.     Your child is teased or belittled in any way by this friend.

5.     The friend tries to get your child to act rude or disobedient at school.

6.     The friend wants to keep secrets all the time.

7.     Your child’s friend is rude in public. All kids make mistakes, but if you notice this kid is a brat in public, can you imagine what is going on in their home?

8.     Your child’s friend picks on “lesser people” or has a bully attitude.

9.     Your child’s new friend has angry outbursts.

10.  Your child begins acting out, swearing, and acting belligerent or indignant (unless someone is modeling that behavior in your home).

It is much better if you can prevent these relationships from forming rather than trying to break them up once they have bonded. To end these types of relationships, you need to have your child see the light and understand what is happening. Your child also needs to know they are supported by you as these types of friends often have power over your child with other friends. It is always advised to work on changing the family dynamics so your child will become more and more difficult for his or her toxic friend to control. Here are a few suggestions that may help:

1.     Begin by having the toxic friend over for dinner (it is even better if the parents can come). Usually you don’t need to do more; the whole situation becomes very clear to your child.

2.     Talk with your child about their toxic friend’s behavior only. Try not to attack the friend, but say what you see and why it is unappealing. Be honest and firm with your observations.

3.     Structure your child’s life as much as possible. Your child will need an excuse at times and if they are able to say, “My parents will ground me for life or take my car away if I do that,” it helps them save face.

4.     Set limits. Keep your child’s curfew and follow through with consequences. If your child begins suffering for their toxic friend, they may wake up sooner rather than later, asking why they like this person who gets them into trouble.

5.     Many times your child will choose to hang out with someone you don’t like as a form of rebellion. If depression, anger, or acting out become an issue, it is wise to seek counseling for your child as well as yourself. Toxic friends have the power to turn a once harmonious family into a chaotic situation very quickly.

The tween/teenage years are relatively short, but the decisions made have dire consequences for your child. Engage with your child; know where they are, who their friends are, and who the parents of those friends are. Social networking has many advantages, but also many dangers. Toxic people think of toxic ways to use social networking. Self-esteem is fragile in the tween/teen years; one toxic relationship can destroy your child’s self esteem for years to come.