Last week I went to a healthy happy hour with a couple of my closest friends. We began visiting about life, relationships and our work. One of the women was talking about her elderly mom who lives on the east coast. This dilemma of having an elderly parent far away and worrying about them is a common issue right now amongst many. My friend’s mom is there all alone, and my friend and her family and support people are here. Of course mom doesn’t want to move, but is too elderly to live alone. My friend offered several options for her mom. She could find an elderly gated community that offered medical necessity care and social activities, move to an assisted living home, have someone come into her home to help with caring for her, or move in with her daughter down here.

I have never met my friend’s mom, but I believe I would like her. For an eighty-eight year old woman she is sharp as a tack. She very rationally told my friend why she did not want any of the options offered. They were well thought out answers and made a lot of sense. When I am eighty-eight, I hope I can reason as well. Her reason for not wanting to come and live with her daughter was my personal favorite. She told my friend, “I love your husband too much, and if I move in, you will never have sex with him again.” My friend turned red; the thought of her eighty eight year old mother saying such a thing embarrassed her. My friend also admitted that part of the embarrassment had been that her mother is able to look through her, and knew the truth about her. My friend would not have sex again if mom moved in. In fact, my friend isn’t alone. Most women cannot have sex if parents are in the vicinity. This goes back to the fact that women don’t have sex when they are stressed. By contrast, men need sex when they are stressed, because sex helps relieve their stress.

When parents move back in with their kids as they become older, it places stress on the child and spouse. This happens even if the child wants to care for mom and/or dad. There are all kinds of reasons why this happens. Mom and dad are more fragile in old age, and the child is forced to worry about them, but there is still the conflict that mom and dad are still the authority. It’s difficult to take that away, to take over managing their life. Many of my baby boomer couples haven’t had sex in months due to the stress of having to take away a parent’s car keys due to their limited eyesight and immobility. When a daughter’s elderly parents are underfoot in their home, they no longer are their husband’s lover, they are a care taker. The thought of making noise while having an orgasm where mom or dad may hear is something most female boomers will blush about, even if the TV is so loud your neighbors can hear it. Women need an atmosphere conducive for enjoying sex, and home isn’t it anymore once the parents move in.

My upbringing taught me it is an honor to have one’s parents live with you when they grow older and feebler. I am a relationship therapist and an advocate for marriage, so I also believe the couple’s marriage must take priority. If you have the privilege to care for your older parents and you don’t want to harm your marriage (sex is the glue of a healthy marriage), there are things you can do that will help. Here are a few that I advise, but your parent’s health care facility social worker may be able to offer many more.

1. If at all possible, give mom and dad as much independence as possible. An apartment in the backyard or a small room away from the rest of the family will help maintain your privacy as well as theirs.
2. Scheduling sex means sex will happen, and so schedule it during your parent’s favorite program, radio show, or nap.
3. Contact senior services in your area. Many times they will have a shuttle bus that comes around and picks up seniors and takes them to activities especially relevant to their social needs.
4. Talk to your spouse about getting away more often. There are many people who sit with elderly clients so caretakers can get out of the house. There has never been a more necessary time to get away with your spouse. Caring for elderly parents can be exhausting and emotionally painful.
5. Keep it simple. As people grow older, their world becomes narrower. This is not a bad thing. The older we get, the more we pay attention to the birds, squirrels, and nature. Telling mom and dad that you and your spouse are going to spend the evening alone in the bedroom is wise. They will get the hint, and you have communicated like the adult they always hoped you’d grow up to become.

I frequently get requests for marital therapy where the woman will say, “My husband has become an animal.” I inquire asking her, “Has anything changed in the marriage?” Frequently she will say, “Not really, my parents moved in, but they are in an apartment in the back of the house, so it really doesn’t affect us.” I will then ask, “Are you as active sexually as you use to be?” Her response may bring a faint smile to your face, she says, “No, I’m stressed out, my mom is here all the time.” Take care of your marriage, and prioritize your time together. Part of your mom and dad’s happiness stems from them knowing they raised a child who is happily married.

*Single people caring for a parent may find the load of caring for their elderly parent overwhelming. Remember, you need to take time for yourself more frequently than if you were married, because there is no one to share the load.

I am working toward a national TV show that teaches people what healthy marriages look like. My goal is to teach or have the show mentor how to build a strong marriage, the sorts of issues that arise and the healthiest way to resolve conflicts. Current television programs as well as magazine articles, movies and music don’t represent marriage very well. The area they do the worst job covering is married sex.  In many ways, even though most of the single people I know want to get married, the marriage rate has gone down (especially among the uneducated). Couples who believed that cohabitating would keep their sex hot have been disillusioned and disappointed when they found that what keeps sex hot is the security and commitment to one another. Moving in together without a commitment to one another may have made the sex better at first, but once the couple began leaning more on one another and having expectations of one another, the sex dwindled just as it does in a marriage that isn’t working.

No matter how perfect you are for one another or how great your marriage is, you will get bored with one another from time to time. It is fascinating to talk with a couple that has been married for twenty years and try to imagine what they still see in each other. How can anything be novel or exciting, and how do they beat the boredom? What you must remember is, no one is the same person each day, each month or each year. A healthy marriage helps each person grow and evolve. I think it’s fair to say that the healthier the marriage the more you can embrace and expect each person to grow and change. The way they communicate their love changes too. My husband says things and touches me now in a way that is much deeper than when we first married. When we call each other from another city, our way of communicating is different than it was when we first married. I get him, and he gets me. Couples who have been happily married for a long time understand the concept of feeling “freer” with marriage than they were being single. A healthy marriage supports both people’s ability to become the people they want to become. 

Great sex is highly correlated with understanding your partner. For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be. This affects their partner and is what makes their partner love sex with them. Men’s need for visual variety is much higher than women’s. Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men’s clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth; this is a rote, “in the box thinking,” excuse. If couples talk about this need, they can both do things that will help provide variety and not lead to the potential problems that men’s clubs and watching pornography may cause. When a married couple is struggling with their sex life, the biggest obstacle is convincing the couple that they must keep talking about their sex life. One of the assignments I give each of my married couples who are unhappy with their marital sex life is to talk about their sex life for 10 minutes, four days a week. This proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. Couples can go on “date night” and talk about their kids all night, but if one of them interjects, “Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now,” you would most likely hear silence at best, a groan at worst.

Some of women’s views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). The fact that it is not valued by society contributes to women not valuing intimacy or sex as much as they do their children and their numerous other chores. Women don’t use sex as a stress reliever as men do, because it isn’t a stress reliever. It becomes a chore when a woman feels as if she has numerous jobs to do, and lists pleasing her husband as another one of those jobs. Many women don’t understand the importance of their sexual health and how important sex is to a healthy marriage. It isn’t uncommon for me to counsel a forty year old woman who has been married for years but has never had an orgasm and has no idea how to achieve one. For this woman sex is a stressor and a chore.   It takes understanding on both sides; the wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife. If a husband can help alleviate some of her other tasks, and she can do little things such as touching and embracing him more, it may help alleviate some of his stress without adding to hers. Many women will tell me the reason they don’t hug or touch their husband more is because the husband’s mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels “too tired to get into all of that.”

If we are going to build healthier families, we must begin with building healthier marriages. If we are going to build healthier marriages, we must build healthier communication. If we are going to build healthier communication among married couples, we must be able to talk about our sexual feelings with our spouses. If you are going to talk about your feelings toward sex, you have to become aware of your sexual/sensual self as a person. Below are a few suggestions to help you get started.

1. The brain is the largest sex organ. You have to start here to feel good about sex. If you are angry or anxious about a partner, you have to deal with the brain first. Anger that is held in does not create good sex nor does it help you feel sexy.
2. Your attitude. Embrace yourself—you don’t need to be a perfect size. If you have curves and hips, embrace them. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of women. Most of us have flaws, cellulite, acne, wrinkles. These “flaws” will not distract from a beautiful smile or a warm embrace. Take a lesson from your man. Men are much better at embracing and not seeing their flaws than women are.
3. Fantasize. The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it. Read romance novels, listen to music, and watch movies. I caution couples not to share their fantasies unless they involve one another.
4. Get to know your body. Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch? Do you get goose bumps when you touch a place on your neck or tummy? This knowledge is very important and helpful to the person loving you. Your partner cannot read your mind so let them know what feels good.
5. Foreplay. The name tells you what it is for. Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day. If sex relieves men’s stress, talking relieves women’s. Guys, make sure you call or text your lady during the day, as this will help alleviate her stress and she may be more receptive to helping you relieve yours at night. Note to remember: Women have less stress when they are emotionally connected. Guys have decreased stress when they are physically connected. (Guys, talking and listening to your lady decreases her stress. Sex happens when women are NOT stressed). These rules do not apply to dating, but usually someone isn’t being authentic.

It would be short sighted for couples to get married and talk about “till death do us part” if they didn’t consider what they were going to do to keep their sex life interesting. Yet, that is what happens to most couples who wed. Couples talk about their new place settings, TVs, and bedrooms sets, but are naïve about the issues that will have a huge impact on their ability to keep their marriage healthy. Married sex has the capacity to be the best sex, but only if the couple values its importance. In the end, it’s not the lifestyle of marriage that sets the snore factor. It’s the couple who sets it and snores.

Whenever most of us think of family and going home we become excited with anticipation. We think of images of hugs, smiles and the warmth of a hug. For many people this is not their going home experience. For many images of fighting, caustic words flung all over carelessly, and rough touch comes to mind. They dread the holidays, they dread leaving work, and they dread the conversations forced upon them.

When the people who are supposed to love you, don’t, or the ones you share your name with humiliate or cause you shame, the feeling of loneliness and abandonment become insurmountable. Anger grows in this type of environment and when you react by holding that anger in, you become depressed, anxious, and cynical. Nothing matters more than being loved by the people you call family, and every human being needs to be loved by their family. I have witnessed people trying to fit into a family that is so sick that they have to medicate with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, alcohol, drugs, food, and a whole list of other medications/or vices that don’t really work. Sometimes the key is to find a healthy group of friends and selective family members where you can feel a sense of belonging without having to hide who you are. Below are 3 tips that will make “going home” feel good again, and will help you leave feeling inspired rather than doomed.

1.     Limit your time with family members who shame or humiliate you. No one should be around people who make them feel badly about themselves. Being related by blood or name does not give permission to beat someone up, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical.

2.     Bullies aren’t only on the playground. They can be people in your family. If you have been bullied all of your life, standing up and pointing out that you will no longer allow yourself or your children to be bullied can free you from a sick family member.

3.     Never stay in the home with people who are supposed to love you but don’t. When you do this, you become vulnerable to their schedule and control. It is better if you have a “safe loving place” to retreat to after the get together. A hotel, a good friend’s home, or making the long trip back home are healthier options.

In this crazy world we all need a strong, loving family to go home to. If you find yourself feeling anxious or depressed being around your family, that is a sign that something needs to change. Look inside first, but also look around. Listen to the conversation. Your family is supposed to guide, mentor and believe in you. Life is precious and when going home begins to be an experience in feeling shame, betrayal or miserable, it is time to make new place settings at the table.

I watched 20/20 last night with millions of others to see the aftermath of destruction that followed the scandal Bernie Madoff put in motion. The story depicted the results of greed, deception, narcissism, and destruction when you value money more than anything else. Closer to home, with the current economic situation, loss of jobs, loss of income, and loss of respect from a business you have worked for most of your life, it’s tough to find a balance. When does “stuff” become too much? How much do we need to survive happily as a family? When couples struggle financially, we also see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups, and chaos. It’s difficult to show love toward your partner if you are worried about paying your cell phone bill, car payment and house note. However, research in this area is finding that materialistic people have unhappier marriages than couples who don’t care much about possessions. This holds true across all levels of income, according to Jason Carroll, who is a Professor of family life at Brigham Young University. Dr. Carroll goes on to say that if you are materialistic, you will have a happier marriage if you find someone who isn’t. Two like-minded materialistic people suffered the least satisfying of marriages.

Dr. Carroll and his colleagues have been studying materialism and marriage and have uncovered information about the effect of money on marriage. The more materialistic you are, the more you suffer anxiety, depression, and insecurity than non-materialistic types. The more you value money, the more troubles you suffer at home, because work usually comes first, and after work is done, people have left you and moved on. Your intimate relationships many times no longer exist. 

The research was done through the RELATE Institute which is a respected national research non-profit organization. In this case, they studied 1,734 married couples and collected online questionnaires from them.  Across the board, the marriages with at least one materialistic spouse were worse off on all measures than marriages where neither spouse was materialistic. It had nothing to do with gender of the spouse; the non-materialistic couples were 10 to 15% better off in the categories studied (marital satisfaction, marriage stability, and lower levels of conflict). The study couldn’t test how materialism erodes a marriage, but Dr. Carroll and his team have a couple of theories.

1.     Materialism causes spouses to make bad financial decisions such as spending beyond their means, which puts them in debt and stresses the marriage.

2.     People who are materialistic are working more to “get things.” They forget, don’t value, or run out of time in a day to nurture their relationships.

Only married people were included in this study, but Dr. Carroll and his team believe the pattern is similar in couples who are cohabitating or long time partners. So, what do we do when we want nice things, or need to make the payments on the nice things we already have? How do we value our partner, but still work hard enough to make our payments, live in a nice neighborhood, send our kids to nice schools, and splurge on a special gift for the holidays? These 5 tips may help.

1.     No matter how hard you work, if you communicate with your spouse each day, letting them know something as simple as, “I am thinking about you,” you will be nurturing your relationship.

2.     Balance is everything. At times that is difficult and unattainable. When you know in advance that work will be consuming a lot of your time, tell your partner in advance so they can mentally prepare. Take them to dinner or spend extra time with them prior to the week or month that you need to focus on work. Remind them by saying something such as, “I am glad we have this time together, because next week (or next month) is going to be very demanding at work.” This tells your partner they are more important to you than money.

3.     Have a family day. One day a week is sacred to families. Shut all communication off on that day. Program that day into your Blackberry, iPhone or whatever device you have so you won’t schedule business.

4.     Children, wives and husbands all like nice things, but they love you. Their love is a gift, not something you will get paid for.  No amount of money or nice things you can ever acquire will replace this love.

5.     As a family, it’s nice to have a charity to which you give every year. Let the kids be part of planning which charity means the most to them. Teaching your children early to value life rather than material is very important.

Dr. Phil once said that “If you marry for money, you earn every bit of it.” What he didn’t say that is equally true is that your family for generations to come will earn it too.  We all like nice things, but when they are valued more than our loved ones, it becomes a downhill ride, and you usually end up at the bottom alone.

Women still initiate the majority of divorces in the United States. The reasons are varied, and it doesn’t really matter why it happened in the mind of the man who is left. If there are kids, the silence can be deafening because when your wife leaves, the kids usually go with her. Feelings of anger and rejection can overpower men and lead to life-threatening behaviors. Many times, men do not have the network system to offer emotional support and encouragement like women do. This leaves them to vices such as alcohol, driving too fast, physical aggression, and violence. When men are upset, it takes their heart, respirations, and blood pressure longer to return to normal readings than it does for women. For most men, having their wife walk out on them is a sign of failure, and failure is unfortunately viewed as being weak. The only way a guy is taught to handle feeling weak is to get angry, which begins the cycle of anger that the man’s wife left when she walked out the door.

Men feel and act much quicker than women do. When men feel alone or hurt, they are not socialized to go to other men to talk about their feelings. They are socialized to talk to women. This usually leads to them “hooking up” with another woman before they are prepared emotionally. Women view relationships with more intensity in the beginning than men do. This usually means for the guy who isn’t emotionally available that, once again, he will fail and be rejected. Women are also judgmental of these men as the men often don’t get close enough or vulnerable enough to be understood. If she cannot understand, she has no recourse other than to judge the present behavior.

By the time these men make it into my office, they are broken. Many times they are sleep deprived, confused, hurt, and angry. Trying to convince him at that time to cease using the vices he has been socialized or mentored to use by friends, family, and the media is almost impossible. He needs a fix, but his emotional and physical health depends on him feeling the pain and grieving it before moving on. He won’t trust his ability to grieve until he has other options to help him manage it. Here are several options for men dealing with a loss of love. They can be done alone or with the guidance of a counselor or third party:

1.     Begin writing down your thoughts. Writing it seems to be cathartic, whereas holding it in your head can make you more confused and angry. Get a journal and make it your mission to fill it daily or hourly.

2.     Each day, make sure you talk with someone you trust. This can be a simple text or email, but communicating with someone else is important. This will help give you balance and stability at a time you feel off-kilter and rocked.

3.     Pray. Pray every day. It doesn’t have to be an organized prayer, just talk to your god. Talking to a minister or mentor from the church can help you feel less alone.

4.     Go to the gym or walk outside each day. Movement releases endorphins, which helps improve your mood and lower your depression.

5.     Watch what you eat. When you eat more carbs you may become more tired, depressed and unmotivated. Your body reacts to your moods, so taking care of your body when you are down becomes more essential.  

6.     If your family is concerned that you are acting depressed or moody, don’t get defensive. Make an appointment to see your doctor; it is not a sign of weakness to go on anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants at this time. Many times, when we are depressed or anxious, those closest to us see it first. 

7.     Allow yourself a specific amount of time to think about your ex each day. Shorten that time by minutes or hours each week. In the beginning it will be very difficult to distract yourself, so use exercise as a way to do that. When you find yourself thinking of your ex, do 50 pushups or sit ups. You will begin feeling more confident and in control.

8.     If you have children, continue your relationship with them. Children feel grief intensely and act on it quickly. They will be struggling, too, so try not to dump adult emotions on them. Never let your anger for your ex become stronger than the love you feel for your children.

9.     Night time is the worst time; for that first week or two, have someone you can talk to even in the middle of the night when it is really bad. Good friends and family will understand and want to help.

10.   If there ever was a time to adopt a dog, this may be the best. A dog needs a home and you need unconditional love.

11.  Many men see a divorce or a break up is a sign of failure. That may or may not be true, but it takes two to fail. It wasn’t all your fault no matter what your ex may say. We all make mistakes; the important aspect is to learn from them.

12.   Investing yourself in a higher cause post break-up will help occupy your thoughts and surround you with like-minded people who know how to give back. Doing something physical helps most guys process anger without acting it out in a way that can hurt them.

The biggest hurdle for guys dealing with any crisis is that they aren’t allowed by the “man code” to ask for help. This may sound ridiculous to women, but it is true. I am not sure who developed the man code, but this part of the code needs to change. Men medicate with more women after a break-up than women do, and they die sooner after the loss of their wife than women do after the loss of a husband. Most of the time, this is due to their inability to grieve in a healthy social network where they can express their sadness and loss. Guys will be emotionally healthier if they allow themselves to step back, express their feelings, and figure out what they want before hooking up with someone who asks for emotions they are incapable of giving.

                    “Most of us spend our lives as if we have another one in the bank.” —Ben Irwin

We are all stressed by the economic warnings being forecast around us each day. It’s as depressing as the hot, dry weather. We work longer hours, do more for less pay, and still come home to crunch numbers to make ends meet. Sometimes it’s easier to quit enjoying life in an effort to put money in the bank. The problem comes about when you begin putting your life in the bank along with your money. Unlike your money, you cannot save your life for another day. You won’t get another chance to watch your two year old take swimming lessons. You won’t get another life to take your spouse out each week for a date night. Most importantly, you won’t get another life to do the things you put off each day to put money in the bank.

We all walk that line – having enough while enjoying what we have. Some people need to enjoy a lot and save a little (this is what happened to the Greeks and we hear about it every day in the news), others need to work and save everything and not enjoy very much. There are problems with being excessive on either side. If you don’t balance work and enjoyment, you and your family lose either way. This economic crisis is an opportunity for all of us to re-evaluate our lives. Hold your partner and family close and come up with a plan. Being close to your family costs nothing, but it does mean you will shut down your work and take the time to be with them. Being home with computers, TV’s, and phones is not being present to those you love. None of that stuff works in the ICU bed you will be in when you have a massive heart attack or stroke due to stress overload.

I have suggestions below that may help you make a plan with your family so you won’t end up putting your life in the bank. This will also help you restore your relationships before they create problems and you end up in therapy paying more money to help you find balance.

1.     Sit down with your family and make a plan. If your children are too small to help, sit down with your spouse and look for times you can make sacred for enjoying each other.  Mark these times in your calendar just as you would a very important meeting. These “family times” are the most important times in your life.

2.     Making strong boundaries with work is very difficult, especially when you work from home. Therefore, have a set time you begin work, and a set time you leave. When you leave, shut everything down. Visualize walking away from work and into your family.

3.     Work is addictive because we find our “warm fuzzies” there. We act nice, respect others, and get that kindness and respect back. Begin to treat your family and those you love with that same respect and see what happens. When you are in the hospital, very few work people will lie awake at night wondering about how they will get you home and care for you. I promise you, your family will.

When I counsel couples, we always make a plan together. My plan for stressed couples who feel like they are growing apart looks like the one above. You can get started with this plan immediately. Don’t put your life in the bank. It is so stale and cold in a bank. Get out there, live, love and experience your life.

According to a recent report by the World Economic Forum, poor job security, increased workload, and a lingering recession are leading causes of job burnout and stress. All of us have suffered job burnout from time to time, but the conditions are more severe and widespread now. There is a deeper sense of exhaustion, cynicism and despondency. Most of us have witnessed friends and co-workers losing their jobs, being surprised at work with a pink slip, or even being escorted off company premises. It has left many with the feeling of being betrayed and used.

Witnessing friends and family members losing their jobs is as difficult as losing your own, and this anxiety does not go away. It is stored and often turns to anger, road rage, guilt, irritability at home, frustration with your relationships and depression. None of us can escape the recession; it is worldwide. Each and every day, we hear about the deadlines for our government, our incredible debt, Greece’s problems and the starving children all over the world. Due to the human ability to socially connect, many of these people become our family or friends, and we can no longer deny that we are in this worldwide recession together.

Since the recession will continue taking its toll, we must all focus on how we can take care of ourselves and our families so the additional stress and work load doesn’t compromise our health. Using cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, retail therapy, porn, and food to make us feel better may provide temporary relief, but it will only add to our health problems five years down the road. Better options are meditation, prayer and exercise. If it were possible to put meditation, prayer and exercise into a capsule, we would be the healthiest nation on earth. Everyone knows how to exercise, but books and magazines are bought by millions of people who really just need to open the door and take a walk. People know how to pray, but it is usually done when the person is desperate and has limited options.  Brain scans have shown an increase in healthy brain activity when people pray or meditate. The heart rate lowers, blood pressure falls, and respirations become deeper and slower. With prayer and meditation, you need to learn to be still, but we have such a tough time learning that it is okay to sit still and be quiet.

The best thing you can do for your health that will give you more energy is to learn to pray and/or meditate. It takes only five minutes each day, and you can practice it anywhere. Get the whole family involved as it is a wonderful gift to teach your children. Here is a very simple guide to help you with your five minutes:

1.     Schedule it into your day during a time where you are least likely to be interrupted. Early morning works well for many.

2.     Set your timer for five minutes. From that point, don’t think about time.

3.     Sit in a comfortable position and focus only on your breath. If a thought interrupts, it is okay, just let it pass. Do not act on the thought, rather observe the thought. 

4.     In the beginning, it is best to have silence with no music in the background. If you cannot do that then nature sounds are best.

5.     Don’t expect anything to change immediately. It takes a while for your brain to realize this is your five minutes, and you will protect it. Changes begin to happen after 30 days of consistent practice.

Many schools are teaching meditation for children. The schools realized that small children have many stressors today that we didn’t have growing up. Teaching meditation to young children has been reported to lessen bullying behaviors. Relationships and marriages also improve with meditation.  It is in the stillness that we heal our body, minds, and souls.