Some of the most popular books on the shelves are romance novels. Women buy them by the millions; yet, I often see couples in my office who have grown apart, have low or no libido, and aren’t having sex anymore. Women are the primary purchasers of these books, so I scratch my head in wonder at how they can love books about romance, intimacy and sex, but no longer want it in their personal life with their partner. While visiting with couples, I gain more understanding about why and how this is possible. I ask the couple, “What are you doing to nurture your sex life?” They look confused or stare straight ahead, and it is usually the guy who will offer, “She won’t let me near her.” She retaliates with, “All you ever want is sex.”

I’ve read recently that more and more baby boomers are getting divorced. Couples that have been together since college, raised kids and fought in-laws together are now separating and divorcing. The reason? There are many, but it comes down to the three I have already mentioned: growing apart, losing their libido, and letting their sex life go. There is a belief for many, especially amongst women, that once you marry, you are married for life. You can let yourself go, begin sharing more with your girlfriends than your husband, and quit being intimate and they (husbands) will still love and want to romance with you. This is not true. Romance is enhanced with knowledge of your own body and a desire to want intimacy. Romance in a relationship demands time; it demands being open to feeling loved and wanting to love. The number one romance fantasy in most books involves the woman feeling frazzled and her man (who usually has clothes on, remember that women like men who emit power so a suit or at least shorts) taking her into his arms; she then submits to being totally pleased. The part the romance novel doesn’t mention is that the women in these stories know what pleases them and also are preparing in their head for this encounter. Even if they act surprised in the story, the room is magically candle lit and soft Latin music is playing. The man’s timing is always impeccable, which signifies that he is engaged with her; he knows her, watches her, and is aware. Many husbands in real life cannot even find their socks, let alone notice when their woman is giving signals for intimacy.

If your marriage is getting stale and you are becoming distant, you owe it to your family and your spouse to work on closing this gap before it becomes insurmountable. Reading a romance novel is fine, but it will benefit your marriage more if you begin prioritizing your marriage and intimacy as if it were a romance novel. Below I have suggestions of how you can begin creating your own love story:

1.     If you suffer from low libido, go to the doctor. Many illnesses can cause painful intercourse as well as hormonal shifts within your body. Painful sex is never enjoyable and avoiding sex can ruin your marriage. Take it seriously and get checked.

2.     Get in shape. Don’t stay in shape for your spouse. Make it about you. Your risk for cancer, heart disease and diabetes goes down the minute you take the first step.  The confidence you will begin to build with your body is vital to restoring romance.

3.     Talk to your partner about your sex life. What do you want? What feels good? How frequent is too frequent? How do you like to be touched? It’s difficult to bring up these topics, but if you begin with only 5 minutes a day of talking about your sex life, you will begin to feel closer to achieving true romance.

4.     Good parenting is valuing your marriage first and foremost. Your spouse comes first.  Going on a date with your spouse is the single most important thing you can do to assure your children’s happiness and success.

5.     Guys, women need you to notice her. The single most loving romantic thing any husband can do is send flowers with a love note. When men adore their wife, she in turn makes you part of her fantasy.

It saddens me to talk to couples who are divorcing because they “grew apart” or no longer want to work on the marriage. They trade partners, leave their children, and destroy their family history because they cannot take the loneliness they have co-created with their spouse. They seek another to fill the void; like a miner holding fool’s gold, they tell themselves this is the real thing, the love of their life, or their soul mate. The real thing is the love story you are currently working on within your marriage. Take time for each other, intimacy and sex. Romance is the setting for “your love story” as you turn the pages of your best seller.

There was a lot of talk several years ago that a single woman over 40 years of age had a better chance of being blown up in a terrorist attack than finding a healthy marriage partner. Times have changed, and 40 year-old women no longer look 40 and terrorist attacks are more frequent. The saying has lost its “punch” and you seldom hear this phrase anymore. I have gone to more weddings where the bride and groom are both over 40 years of age, and/or one of them is over 40 and the other is 39 and holding.

The new phrase is, “You get what you envision and believe.” People who are optimistic and see their partner as being the best and visualize their lives as being sexually active usually end up with great partners and sexually active lives. The practice of optimism has never been as correlated to positive outcomes as it is with sexuality. Joel Black, Ph.D. has written numerous articles about sex lives over 50 years of age. He reports that when couples engage in the habit of optimism they suffer fewer problems with age-related effects of aging on their sexuality, and when or if there are problems, their optimistic habits help them work around the issues in a healthy way. This makes so much sense in working with couples. By the time I see the couple, one or both of them are depleted of optimism. In fact, many times it is not the relationship that is the issue, but the couple’s viewpoint that it is terrible and there is no hope of fixing it. Couples come in ready to give up on having a healthy sex life because they haven’t been successful at having sex for months or years. When I ask them how they can give up such a vital area of their relationship, they will say often times with disdain, “It was never good anyway, and she/he doesn’t really care about sex.” Very rarely is this the case. The partner has given up, because the person stating this has become so negative that being involved with them sexually is more painful than becoming celibate in the marriage.

Pessimism towards one’s sex life doesn’t happen overnight; it is a pattern developed relatively early in the relationship/marriage and it continues to get worse as the years go on. Pessimism is a habit just as optimism is. When you date, you know right away if the person you are out with is a pessimist by trait or an optimist. Usually, pessimists attract optimists much like a magnet attracts metal, and if you are a full-blooded optimist it is highly likely the person sharing your pillow is a pessimist. When couples are newlywed, they may find this match humorous. However, when you grow as a couple and your pessimistic partner is getting older, complaining about the effects of aging, and the lack of vigor, the humor you may have enjoyed in your youth with this person becomes dulled. The optimistic partner becomes overwhelmed with trying to appease the pessimistic spouse, and this is where touching, talking, and enjoying intimacy hits the wall. Many times this is where they enter my office, both of them looking very pessimistic regarding their non-existent sex lives.

Learning how to become an optimist regarding your intimacy and sex life is not easy, but it is possible. Choosing to see things in a positive light is as easy as choosing to see it negatively, but like the development of any habit you have to practice. Choosing pessimism may be ingrained if you grew up with it in your own family of origin. In this case, what you grew up with has to be re-taped or taped over with positive thinking. Joel Black, Ph.D. has these suggestions for re-taping pessimistic tapes into optimistic sexually healthy tapes.

1.    Understand that temporary conditions aren’t permanent or indicative of what is to come.  A pessimist says, “I can’t get an erection; I must be impotent,” while an optimist says, “I can’t get an erection because I’m tired and ate and drank too much tonight; I’ll try in the morning.”

2.    Be specific.  A pessimist may say, “Sam didn’t call after our first date; I’m a loser,” while an optimist says, “Sam may not be interested in a relationship with me, but there are plenty of other men.”

3.    Don’t assume everything that happens is because of you. A pessimist says, “Jill didn’t like me,” while an optimist says, “Jill may not be ready for a relationship.”

Couples who have the healthiest relationships are those that embrace each other and what life offers. To think your sex life doesn’t require change and learning to get better with age is shortsighted. Optimists not only have better sex lives, but they are more successful in parenting, business, and being healthier. Anyone can become an optimist at any age or stage in life. If you find yourself looking pessimistically at your partner, “re-taping” some of those messages you are hearing and verbalizing may help to restore your sex life.