Back to school ads are full of new clothes, running shoes, and back packs. The photos show smiling kids with perfectly groomed hair, freshly brushed teeth, a book bag on their back, and looking forward to the beginning of school. None of these kids appear to be anxious, sleep deprived, or worried about the stranger who is sending them bad texts or posting on their Facebook wall. The ads won’t show that, because many times with cyber-bullying we don’t see those things. This is the reason cyber-bullying is so dangerous to your child. The secret bully lurking behind the screen is many times someone they actually know, but with a different alias.

This year, along with the clothes, back packs, and perfect shoes, make sure you educate your child in regards to safety on the internet, social networking and texting. After cyber-bullying begins, it is very difficult to stop, and it never ends without hurting your child’s self esteem. It’s estimated by the National Education Association that up to 160,000 kids miss school each day for fear of being embarrassed, bullied, or both. Being proactive is the advantage every parent has before school ever begins. Sit down and go through the rules with your child or take several nights and make flash cards with your child to help them remember.

True Care Online is a company that I am an expert for. They encourage parents to learn and be involved with what their children are doing online. They also offer 24 hour monitoring for parents whose children are followed by a bully or are at high risk for cyber-bully behavior. They believe if parents are proactive and engage with their children each day about who they are talking to, they will have the advantage of knowing when and if something is out of the ordinary. Together we provide the following tips to parents. It is called “Back to Basics 101”:

1.     Discussion. Discussion. Discussion. Parents must have a good sense about what’s going on in their kid’s online world. Since using Facebook and other social media sites has become a daily routine for kids, it needs to be part of the daily conversation.

2.     Keep the Computer in a Common Area Laptops, smart phones, and tablets have allowed us to overlook the cardinal rule of kids on the internet – keep the communication vehicles in a common area where parents can monitor websites and time allocated to internet activity.

3.     Manners for Texting, E-Mailing or Chatting Online As you have in every aspect of your child’s life, set the expectations for manners and appropriate behavior. Coach them to behave as you have taught them in real life.  Typed content is the same as verbal communication. Digital manners need to be reinforced just as regular manners do. 

4.     Understand the Settings of Social Media Sites
Settings can sometimes be difficult to find and hard to navigate. Understanding the settings can save you time and heartache down the road. They control what information people can and can’t see and what information is sent out upon posting.  You are the parent, be certain that any preferences or settings are set to your liking. Also remember that Facebook prohibits children under 13 from even having a Facebook account. Being a good parent means setting strong boundaries.

5.     Posting Pictures – Interpretation is in the Mind of the Beholder
A picture posted online is not private. A photo sent between cell phones is not private. Make sure that your children are aware that mistakes do happen and so-called private messages go public, or that sometimes people you trust make mistakes in judgment.  Once a photo hits a social media site, it can be downloaded and reposted across the entire web within hours.  It’s okay to tell your kids “No picture sending until you are over the age of 18 years unless I approve it.”

6.     Kids and Adults Should Not Be Friends
Don’t allow your kids to “friend” adults on social media sites. When your child connects with an adult, even if it’s a trusted friend or relative, they are exposed to the adult content and images posted on that adult’s site.

7.     Teach Children What to Do if They Get an Offensive or Threatening IM, E-mail, or Chat Room Post
The latest statistics indicate that 42% of children have been the victim of an online bully. Of that number, 58% never discussed the situation with their parents. The more conversations you have with your kids about what occurs online, the more likely they will be to talk to you about what’s going on. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations.

8.     If Your Child Has a Social Media Account, They are at Risk
No one can hide on the Internet.  A social media account allows for some of a child’s personal information to be viewable in a search engine. Be certain that content is managed appropriately. Performing a Google search every once in awhile may be a good idea to make sure that you’re aware of your kid’s online presence.

Parents need to tell their children frequently that whatever they post never goes away, it usually goes around. Many children don’t understand the danger of what they post as they live in the present. Being a parent who provides strong, clear boundaries can cyber-bully proof your child, and help deter your child from being a victim or aggressor.

In Italy, they call kids who never leave home “Momonies.” In Germany, it’s “Hotel Mama.” Japan’s “Stay at home adult children” are “Parasite Singles.”  The scenario is one we have seen in the movies, with our neighbors and possibly in our home. Junior won’t leave. He has no intention of ever getting his own place. He goes on numerous job interviews that are futile toward securing him a job. He has a girlfriend or two and they are usually hanging out at your house too and eating your food. His clothes are in your hamper each Saturday to wash, and he forgets to fold them and put them away. Before long you are taking care of him much the way you did when he was eight. It may not be Junior. It may be your daughter Laura. That can be worse as Laura may have an unemployed boyfriend and/or a baby or two. Telling Laura “No” is easier than telling those little cherub faced grandchildren “No.” What is a parent to do? How did this situation happen and how can you stop it? Your friends and neighbors advise you to never let it happen from the beginning, but it is unclear how and when it happened. It is insidious and before you know it, you have your son, daughter, their partners and grandkids all in your extra bedrooms. It’s no longer just the two of you as you had imagined. The nest is so full someone is bound to fall out. Last week on Fox I received this question from a viewer.

Dear Mary Jo, My 19-year-old daughter has two kids of her own, and I sometimes think she uses her kids to get her way with me. I think I feel like I'm not a good mom. I want to put the grandkids first in this situation, so I end up taking care of them most of the time. What are your thoughts? Thanks, JJ

Dear JJ,

Wow, what a dilemma, but what an incredible opportunity to teach your young daughter healthy boundaries and change her life in a positive way. Preventing this sort of situation is always much easier than dealing with it after it happens. No matter what religious book you ascribe to, you will find that loving someone often includes being firm with them and mentoring strong boundaries. Even Christ loved with firmness. His love was gentle, but it also held others accountable for their actions. Your daughter needs this right now. Sit down by yourself and make a plan, and then work toward carrying it out.

1.      Make an appointment with your daughter over lunch, tea, or in the evening when her children are asleep. Ask her for her plan. Be objective as much as you can, but also remind her nothing changes without a plan. You can propose that you will be backup babysitter, but make sure she knows how many hours that includes each week.

2.      Part of being a mom of small children is acknowledging you can no longer go out every night of the week. When you are a mom, your children have to come first. You went through that with her when she was small. Now it is her turn. If you are always there to take the kids, you are robbing her of learning this very important lesson.  If she has to pay for a babysitter, she will learn that going out every night is expensive and she cannot afford it.  If she makes the excuse that her pregnancy was an accident, you may do wise by reminding her that becoming pregnant by accident can happen once. If it happens twice, it is no longer an accident. It is recklessness. If it happens when you are not married and secure in a relationship, it is selfish and there are consequences. That new little soul deserves the best home possible.

3.      Tell her you are willing to help her organize her life and get on solid ground, but she will have to walk the walk. Remind her you have a life also, and you have to live it. Your grandchildren will feel your strength and genuine happiness in being with them if you are not feeling used.

Thanks for writing, JJ. I hope this helps. Let me know how things are going with your new plan. MJO

JJ’s letter is a version of what parents who cannot get their kids out of the house deal with. However, if your child never left, there is a very good reason they are happy to stay home. Below are steps to get them packing.

1.     Begin with a plan. Make them write down their next year plan. Many kids say they cannot find a job. However, if you watch them fail interview after interview, you may begin to see that the effort they are putting out is just enough to get you off their back. They have no intention of really getting a job. If they know the gravy train stops in a year, or whatever the plan is, often those interviews become more serious.

2.     If you never gave your child responsibility, beginning after college is too late. They need to understand and have a limited amount of resources from you up front. Present this as a “united front” with both mom and dad in agreement. Make sure they know that if they use alcohol, drugs or smoking, their lease at home will be terminated. Any rule you don’t want broken, have in writing before their clothes are unpacked and in their closet. It isn’t uncommon to come home to a puppy or kitty in Junior or Laura’s room.

3.     If your child has you doing laundry, cooking meals, feeding them and their friends, charging rent is very helpful in teaching them responsibility. It is the single biggest motivator parents can use to help their child get on their feet again. Junior won’t like it, but getting a job and paying for services rendered is a fact of life.

This situation of kids never leaving, or leaving and coming back, usually is more about parents not having strong boundaries. If your child has to move back, never allow that to happen without a plan upfront. You are not being a loving parent by letting your kids use you. You are actually enabling them to be helpless victims. Life is tough. Life is beautiful too. Most of us achieve happiness by feeling good about what we do and working for something we deem valuable, being rewarded by that dream coming true. Kids who never leave home have nothing to work for if parents continue to give them everything.