When you create your marriage, you are creating your story. Every story has twists, turns, plots you didn’t expect and, of course, the ending. Hopefully, the ending of your marriage will be the ending of you or, in other words, “Till death do you part.” However, sometimes in your story there are twists or turns that neither you nor your partner may have seen coming that can change the whole story.

It is at these times that counseling, talking to your minister, or going on a marital retreat may be beneficial in helping you maneuver these twists and turns. However, there is another method that is now commonly supported by those of us in the field of trying to empower couples and improve their marriages. Kids in a healthy marriage do so much better than children raised in co-habitation or in a single parent home. It makes sense that if you have a loving partner in a committed marriage, helping you with child rearing, that the kids will be able to focus on learning at school and feel more secure in their home environment. This new method couples are being asked to try is a limited separation. In the state of Texas, there is no legal separation; therefore, it is important that you work with a third party, such as a counselor, rabbi, minister or mediator, to set up a plan that will maintain security for the couple as well as the children.

This method became more important after researchers surveyed thousands of divorced couples. It was discovered that most couples actually thought they could have worked things out if they had taken a break or separated for a limited time to cool off. Hearing words like, “I don’t love you anymore,” or, “I don’t want to go to counseling, it’s over,” are heartbreaking, but it doesn’t mean a divorce is the next step. What it may symbolize is, “I’ve had it, and I am limited in my options of what will work right now feeling the way I do.” Divorce is so common that couples gravitate toward what they know. Most couples have friends who divorce, but how many have friends who separate, work it out, and then come together stronger and better at communicating than in the past? Most of us know very few of these.

If your marriage has hit a crisis point and you are burned out trying to figure out how to make it work, perhaps a separation is a wise next step. These steps will help you set up the separation, but it is advised that you let a third party lead the way. They are objective, but the goal is the same: to help you preserve your marriage.

1.     Communication: It is important to set up the rules for communication. If there is a lot of anger, perhaps try talking face to face or on the phone once a week and other days a short text. Whoever you are working with should help you work this out. As you become less angry, the communication should become more frequent and face to face.

2.     Set a Goal: The couple will have the most success if they set their goal on keeping the marriage and making it work. If one person wants the marriage and the other doesn’t, that needs to be stated up front so the rules of separation can be adjusted.

3.     Access to the kids should never be a condition with separation (unless there is abuse and, in that case, a separation is not advised).

4.     Date night: Dates should be planned into the separation. The dates are an opportunity to re-connect by engaging in conversation and enjoying one another, rather than fighting or arguing.

5.     Dating others during a separation is verboten: You are still married, and the objective is to get space to figure out what you are doing to enhance or sabotage your marriage. After you have time away and can calm down, working toward resolution is more likely.

I have been married for a long time. We are very different people, but we share the same goal of our union. We want to be together, and that makes all the difference. Even when I am mad at him, I want to be his wife. When he gets angry at me, he wants to be my husband. Our story has had many twists and turns, but the story goes on. At the end of the day, ask yourself, “How sacred is my marriage to me?” Do you value it as much as you do your money, car, house, kids, friends, and everything else? A separation at a marriage crisis point is for those who say, “YES” to that question. There is no absolute guarantee that you will be married forever, but you make it more likely if you value your marriage more than anything else.