Prom is right around the corner, and as I see photos and video clips of the dresses worn this year, a sympathetic grimace creeps over my face. I remember all too well the dilemma of finding the perfect prom dress. Proms are a 4 billion dollar a year industry and advertisers and department stores are not about to lose money this year. The dresses are incredibly revealing this year, and that has nothing to do with fashion. What is hot in Italy right now is a more elegant, almost demure look on young women. The focus is on the face, not the body. These dresses make no mistake; the focus is on sexualizing and objectifying young women. The girls they are selling the dresses to do not understand and are trying to look attractive and “in” with their friends who are also trying to look attractive and “in.” I am no longer sure who is “in,” but I am sure of one thing. This is a time parents must be “out” and rather than buddies with their child, they must be parents ready to set a boundary and follow through with rules.

I do recommend moms shop with their daughter. Moms have watched their daughter’s body change and understand their style. Moms also usually control the pocket book, and setting limits with costs is a big part of shopping for anything, including a prom dress. It is important for girls to feel attractive and good about their choice of dress, so moms don’t need to make the decision. However, moms can provide insight. Moms should know the school requirements for prom dresses and be supportive of them. I would suggest that Moms dialogue with their daughter about the dress she chooses. The big picture is something many girls don’t see, so asking simple questions such as, “Can you dance or move in this dress?” is important. Moms also can have the foresight to mention how her daughter’s date may feel about the dress, or even more so, what kind of a message is the dress sending to her date’s parents (who will no doubt want photos)? Being comfortable in your dress and not worrying something will show or hang out or over are questions moms should remember.

A prom is a rite of passage, but it is also a wonderful opportunity to teach your daughter the importance of making choices. We encourage our children to grow up and be able to make choices and learn from their mistakes. They need to practice this at home. Parents create the opportunity by setting clear boundaries, choices and follow through.  Below are a few suggestions that can help you help your daughter learn from the consequences of their choices. Choosing a prom dress is a great place to begin.

1.   Explain why the dress is inappropriate (it shows too much skin, it doesn’t flatter her body in a beautiful way, it makes her look as if she is trying to get sexual attention).

2.   Explain why the behavior is inappropriate (rather than sexual attention she may want attention in general). Explaining that if she wants to be respected, a better choice dress would help her attain that. Explain also that girls who wear explicit garments many times feel undesired and have a shallow self esteem, and they attract people to them who will make them feel even more that way.

3.   Give reasonable choices and consequences. When you give choices where your child can choose A or B and both are still within your rules as a parent, you are teaching them a lifelong lesson. This also limits acting out, and power struggles. Following through with consequences teaches them early that for every behavior there is a choice and consequences. The term this isn’t fair is used by a kid whose parents have not followed through with choice consequences. Healthy parenting means the child knows and understands the choices at hand, and they also know the consequence of breaking a parental rule! 

4. Allow time for your teen to think about their choice, as this helps them rationalize it in their mind, vent to a friend, and also helps them choose the wiser choice.

5.   Be prepared to enforce your consequences. Limit setting is silly if you want to be your child’s friend and not a parent. It’s tough work to be a parent, but you must follow through with the consequences of a poor choice.

Prom is a wonderful event, but left to the kids without parental guidance, it can turn into a nightmare. Your daughter wants to look beautiful and sexy, but some dresses send the wrong message. If you are a mom, you have such a voice and so much to offer your daughter during this special time in her life. Be supportive of her feelings, but keep the big picture in mind. Within three short years she has to understand that what she chooses to wear affects peoples’ judgment forever. The part of parenting we often neglect is the most difficult. It’s the part that teaches choices, consequences, and following through. In the teen years, many times loving means saying, “NO, you are much too wonderful to stoop that low.” Love her enough to help her choose a prom dress, but don’t let her walk out of the house looking less than the beautiful child you held in your arms at birth.

Emotional abuse is as dangerous as physical abuse, and another reason for divorce. It is more difficult to prove, more difficult to talk with the kids as a reason for leaving, but no less destructive in the havoc it causes in the family. Emotional abuse is also much easier to deny and rationalize which is why many people stay in the relationship too long. The longer you are exposed to emotional abuse, the more harmful it becomes, and the deeper it affects your confidence as well as your self-esteem.

The worst part of emotional abuse is you cannot see it. It doesn’t leave physical bruises, cuts or visits to the emergency room, but it is still just as real as physical abuse. It may present with a partner being rejecting, demanding, criticizing, and refusing to listen, blaming, threatening, verbal insults, sarcasm, emotional outbursts as well as temper tantrums. The abuser usually has control over it long enough that they won’t abuse their partner in public; they don’t want to be diminished in their social standing. Behind closed doors though, they may turn into a completely different person, often times resembling a monster of sorts.

The victim can usually be noticed because they have so many symptoms of guilt, shame, depression, isolation from friends or family, nervousness, and may also resort to self-blaming frequently. If you see these behaviors in a family member or good friend, it may be helpful if you talk to them about what you are observing. Many times, emotionally abused people continue the cycle because they don’t trust others, and they feel so unworthy of having a friend who cares about them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is an emotional abuser, you need to get out, not only for your own safety and sanity, but for your children’s. You cannot fix your partner. Your partner is fixable only if they are able to accept that they have a problem. Below are suggestions that will help you make the first move in getting help.

1. You need to confide in one other person what is going on. This person should be someone you trust and someone who is willing to let you come to them prior to or when the abuse is happening.
2. A counselor will help empower you, and can help you make a plan. To find a reputable counselor, talk to your primary care doctor. Most physicians have a list of therapists they work with, know of their work, and can help you.
3. Emotionally abusive people many times have no idea what they say in a fit of rage, so tape recording the abuse may be helpful for you, especially if you need legal help. I have also found that clients need to remember what their partner said to them so they can go through with making changes (denial and learned unworthiness keep the cycle going…you cannot deny hearing the words recorded).
4. Your safety is always a prime concern. Staying away from the emotional abuser and not going back into the situation is the best way to secure yours and your child’s safety.

Many of my clients have told me they would have preferred being hit to the emotional abuse, because if you were hit, everyone could see it. They have told me that the most difficult part of emotional abuse is telling yourself you don’t deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated with disdain or humiliated. When this treatment comes at the hands of someone who says they “love you,” it is, not only sick, it is emotionally devastating. You must get out; your staying will actually enable the abuser to get worse.  Sometimes the most poignant way to show love is to leave.

I was on my run the other day and stopped at the park to get some water. While there I sat on a bench and drank my water, closed my eyes and listened. The happiest sounds in the world are listening to kids as they play: their little voices, screams, imagination, and bargaining with their parents for more time to play. Also, what I heard were a lot of “Mommy was that good?” or “Daddy, see me?” “Did you see that throw?” Mommy and Daddy both responded affirming the good job or the throw their child had naturally thrown. You don’t have to go to the park to hear all of this praise and affirmation that is exchanged between parents and their children. Sometimes, you have to question if it has gone overboard? Are we raising a generation of kids who expect praise for doing nothing?

The overabundance of praise is cultural and society influenced. It wasn’t done as much when I was a kid, or if it was, I don’t remember it happening in my family. Eastern cultures believe too much praise causes kids to grow up into self-serving adults with big egos who are lazy. They may have something there, as more and more young people seem not to have as strong of a work ethic and seem incensed when their boss tells them they have to work for their pay. These are the same kids who grew up getting an allowance just for their existence. The whole idea behind an allowance is to teach a child to manage their money and to instill the concept of working (doing their chores and being supervised by parents) to earn spending money. Like praise, parents are giving it away for free.

Is praise bad for kids? Not really…if it’s done appropriately. For example, research has shown that praising a small toddler for having good manners actually does produce more polite teens. More inappropriate praise is when you praise your child, the little league pitcher, for throwing a good pitch. It’s a natural gift for them, and you shouldn’t praise gifts or natural talents. Praising your superstar little leaguer for being compassionate to another player for a job not well done will be wiser for that child’s future development of having good sportsmanship.

It’s all so confusing for parents. One doctor tells you to praise your kids; your parents may tell you not to. You may have grown up with parents who never praised, so you are determined that your children will be praised. The problem is over praise from your kids’ point of view can make them feel one of two things:  (A) That you feel sorry for them and think they need praise because they are a loser, or (B) That you aren’t really engaged with them because you are praising them for something they already know and they are tuning you out. Here are a few suggestions or guidelines that will help you re-consider before you praise.

1. Be careful praising them for what comes naturally. If you praise your kids for an A in math that comes naturally, your child may end up taking fewer risks and be willing to fail a new challenge less. They will worry you won’t praise them for effort. This can cause anxious, hesitant kids.
2. Be careful praising the kid for what they love to do. This leads to a kid who thinks they must love what they do in order to do it. These kids may grow up thinking life shouldn’t be this hard and are easily defeated when challenged.
3. Using comparisons with other children is going to backfire in your praise. Telling your child that they are better, stronger, or more attractive than someone else makes a child grow up to think in a win/lose mindset and they become very competitive. These children may not seek to understand others; they will seek to win an argument, win a position, or win a relationship.  Don’t forget, no matter who you know or how high you go, getting along with others can make or break you. Teaching your children to be compassionate and polite is more important and more highly correlated to their future happiness and success than promoting comparisons and competitiveness.
4. Praising your child for their attractiveness should be used with caution. As a parent it is easy to get caught in the trap of telling your child how beautiful or handsome they are. When a child is praised for looks they know one thing…that the person who praised them values looks. Media’s focus on beauty, along with societal norms of impressing sexuality on to children puts additional pressure on children to “look pretty.” Your daughter may begin to think she cannot leave the house without her hair and makeup done in junior high.  Encouragement and modest praise when your child is discouraged with their tedious practice schedule to learn a skill or overcome a challenge will help build your child’s self-esteem more than telling them how pretty they are.  

When praising, keep in mind the child’s age and developmental level. If you praise a teen insincerely, they may think you are trying to manipulate them, whereas a toddler may need to hear frequently they did good work, or you liked the colors they chose.  Kids naturally will begin building their own internal confidence if they face a challenge and work well with it. Constantly telling them how great they are, makes them take less risks to try the very challenges that will build their self-esteem. Praise is powerful…use it wisely.