There is an ongoing research study focused on dads. The study is an attempt to build stronger families by focusing on the father’s role in the first year of baby’s life. We know dads are important to a child’s self esteem, overall health, and their success at developing healthy relationship later in life. Some of these dads are in a second marriage, living with the baby’s mother, or just wanting more information on how to be a better dad. I am part of the research study. I volunteer a 30 minute class on “Sex and Intimacy After Baby.” The dads love it, and they ask questions. I volunteer my time, because I believe that dads who are involved in their child’s life help create stronger, healthier families.  I also grew up with a wonderful father, and have respect for the father’s role in families.

When I began my part of the study, I did not expect what has happened. The dads are more open than I had anticipated.  They call me when their wife goes into labor, and want reassurance. They call me with emotional issues after the baby. As with most things, if you put your soul and heart into a project, it will grow. This one certainly has. Dads are not passive bystanders as it may appear after baby. They want to be involved, but many times don’t know how. Moms and babies get a lot of attention and that is as it should be. However, that attention should be focused on dad too, if we want him to take an active role with the baby and marriage after.

When I go to the class, I take my time getting to know the dads (no moms are allowed in this class). We talk about all sorts of things so they can relax and get to know me a bit. Before we begin with the slides and the lecture, I may ask this question: “What are you most concerned will change after baby?” Some of the guys will say things such as, “That their wife won’t like them or give them attention anymore.” Some say, “She may not want to have sex anymore.” Still other men will say things such as, “I’m afraid I won’t be a good dad or husband.” The wives never hear this, and I regret that. I think being able to hear their fears may help women rethink their role as wife and mother after baby. Some women upon hearing these statements may go so far as to say, “How can he be so selfish,” or “He is thinking only of himself again.” Actually, that’s not what I hear. I hear that these future dads are afraid that their wife is going to change and will no longer include them, and they won’t know how to connect to her (remember guys connect physically, women connect verbally).

Taking that new baby home is a gift. I have had two daughters and I understand the miracle of life, and how incredible it is that this small being came through me to be here. However, your marriage is a gift too, and its survival is more important to that small baby then either you or your husband’s alone. Children born into a healthy marriage have better health, better finances, and a better chance of being educated and successful in life.  There are things you should not sacrifice for that new precious life. I have listed several. Talk to your partner during those nine months to negotiate what you think is important to continue a healthy marriage. Agree to have a plan, so both parents can feel loved and return the love to their baby.

Five things you should never let go of in your marriage: 

1.     Your date nights with each other. You can always find a sitter, and no matter how tired you are, take the time to get dressed up and go out with your partner.

2.     Your marital bed. Kids have their room and bed and belong in them. They do not belong in the parent’s bed. Keep that boundary.

3.     Intimacy and sex. Sex is the glue of a healthy marriage. It should take priority. That becomes difficult if women feel like they have too much work or other family stressors. Guys, this may not make sense how a woman could not want sex because the dishwasher needs emptying. Don’t question it, empty it.

4.     Self care. Each of you has a responsibility to take care of yourselves. The baby can never be used as a reason why you didn’t exercise, or take care of yourself. If you don’t care for yourself first, you cannot care for the baby. Make sure you take turns with caring for baby to have that time to care for yourself. 

5.     Time to talk about your marriage and goals. The baby or young children should have a bed time. That time is for mom and dad to talk, bond, share a glass of wine, or whatever. It is also a time when the marriage is restored. Do not give that time up or sacrifice it.

I have seen many couples who love their kids, but no longer love or know their spouse. This is largely due to the fact that they put their parenting needs before their marriage. This is a mistake. Your marriage must come first, because it provides the foundation for a healthy family. The marriage is alive, and it is a creation of two people. Nurture your creation just as you do the child you created together.

I work with several obstetricians in town who specialize in infertility. When I talk to women undergoing infertility treatment, my heart goes out to them. They are recording their temperature every day, testing mucus, monitoring ovulation, injecting hormones at unheard of dosages, and usually feeling fat, bloated and tired. The goal is to put these feelings aside and still have sex on the scheduled days in the hopes of getting pregnant. Their husbands are part of the plan, and may have it just as tough. Their job is to support their moody wife (hormones make women uncontrollably emotional) and to save their sperm for days so they will have a greater chance of impregnating their wife when her hormones are at the correct level with ovulation. It is an intricate endeavor, it is also expensive, stressful, and sometimes unsuccessful. It only takes one egg and one sperm though, so there is hope and usually a high chance that, if you can survive several “rounds of treatment,” you will be successful with a bouncing bundle of joy.

The emotional aspects of infertility are perhaps the most difficult to deal with, but along with the emotional is the sexual toll infertility takes upon a marriage. Husbands report feeling used through much of the experience as it is panic rather than love making during ovulation. They are summoned home at any time of the day when the time is right, so you have to take advantage of it. Feeling sexy, affectionate, and excited are replaced with performing a service in the hopes of pregnancy. It's no easier for women. They feel like tired beached whales, and when the ovulation test says “go,” they have sex with little or no desire. One of my patients told her husband and I that she “felt as sexy as a cow” even when she wore her silk negligee.

I enjoy working with these couples because most of them use humor to cope, and the stories they tell me are hilarious. Since it is a stressful process, techniques to deal with the stress help protect your marriage. If you are feeling overwhelmed or tired of the whole thing, there is nothing wrong with taking a break. Make sure you communicate openly with your partner. You are stronger together than either one of you can be alone. Below are suggestions that may help you turn infertility treatment into a marriage enhancer rather than a marital nightmare:

1. Be a team. If you begin talking and supporting one another as a team, you will actually feel fortified by the “craziness” of your lives at this time.
2. Be prepared with activities or things to do if you are stressed or disappointed. Science still has a ways to go in predicting when and if pregnancy will occur. There are several ups and downs with infertility. Making a list of activities you both can do together and enjoy during the downs can make them less disappointing.
3. Schedule time to talk face to face each day. We draw strength from each other by looking into each other's eyes and touching. If you have that time to sit and hold one another planned into your day, there is nothing you cannot bear.
4. Never blame your partner for infertility. If you are a team, you are going to work at this together. It is no one's fault, and nothing good comes out of blame. Encouraging one another to practice healthy lifestyle habits is much more powerful to your partner and your marriage.
5. Bring fun back into your sex life. Forget the schedule once in awhile, and make it about enjoying the warmth and skin to skin contact. Different rooms, positions, music and ambiance can do so much to revive a “performance only” sex life.
6. Once a week do something just for you. Your partner fell in love with you because you were you. Make sure you don't get so tied up in your infertility that you forget you.

Many of the strongest marriages I have known evolved with couples who were undergoing infertility treatments. Couples have a choice of making this time one of marital growth or marital resentment. Choose the growth. It will enhance your life as well as any child's life that joins yours.