I had just turned off the evening news and was on my way to the kitchen to begin dinner when Lizzie ran up to me, grabbed my waist and with very serious eyes, looked up to me and asked me this question, “Mommy, what if Santa can’t afford Christmas this year?” Lizzie had been in earshot of the evening news and no doubt heard enough of the financial woes and was concerned. I hesitated, not wanting to scare her, but also not wanting to lie to her. Her father and I had expressed concern about bills, the holidays, and taxes--all of which may have contributed to Lizzie’s question and concern. I wasn’t sure what a 7-year-old should be told, but since I had always prided myself in open discussion, I decided to take the time and talk with Lizzie in an effort to answer her question.

You don’t have to be a news buff to be aware that times are tough right now. Protests are happening in every country including our own, news of banks making money but still charging a checking fee for customers, and political fights between politicians ranting and raving depending on where their support dollars are coming from. It’s crazy, and on a more basic level, every household is trying to re-budget and pay back debt. Many of those households are full of children with holiday wish lists longer than your credit card receipts. Parents with children such as Lizzie will be more effective at teaching their children the true meaning of the holidays, the depth of family love, and mentoring responsible spending if they take these sorts of questions seriously. Lizzie asked a serious question in her 7-year-old mind. Here are five important tips that can be used again and again as the holidays grow closer.

1.     Santa has nothing to do with money. Santa is about feeling loved and cared for. The toy you love most and that will make you feel most loved, is the one Santa will try his best to get. It is important that as a parent, you help guide your child with gift requests. If you know your child wants a $100 toy, and you can only afford $50, then suggest another toy that would make your child feel just as loved. Don’t do this in a critical manner, but in a loving, supportive manner. Something such as this, “I know you want that toy, but that is so much money for one toy. What other toy could you get that would make you feel just as loved?” If you do this with a loving tone of voice, you are teaching compassion, understanding, and problem solving.

2.     Reassure your child that adults like the spirit of the holidays too, and they are not going to let a Christmas go by--no matter how poor they are--without celebrating. No matter who you are, you should make every effort to celebrate holidays with your child. No matter what holiday you celebrate, children learn from the ritual and the spiritual concepts that surround the holidays.

3.     Make the focus of the holidays on friends and family. Look at “wish lists” but also promote thinking of others. Children are very egocentric at young ages; that means it’s more important for parents not to be. Children who turn into generous, compassionate, and loving adults were nurtured by loving, compassionate and generous parents. You don’t have to be wealthy to be generous, loving and compassionate. In fact, many times the two are negatively correlated. This may include sorting out good but used toys or books that are no longer age appropriate, and going with your child to donate them to a children’s hospital or shelter where these might be greatly appreciated.

4.     Parents need to set a budget for gifts and stick to it. The best gifts of all are the ones that cost the least, but speak the loudest of love and caring. Last year, a friend of mine bought me three pairs of running socks (I am a runner. I use these every single day). Inside the toe of each sock, she rolled up a slip of paper that had a quote of something I had said to her that meant the most throughout the year. Six quotes…so meaningful. It was my FAVORITE gift. The idea of giving a gift is thinking of what the person would like, or letting them know how they touched your life.

5.     Let Lizzie know frequently, and any other child, that the economic crisis may mean everyone has less, but it will never take away their family. Santa may not be giving out as many gifts, but that’s okay because you have the best gift of all with one another. Children (and parents) who are reassured that their family is strong and loving can endure this and anything else.

To be honest, Lizzie, you may not get the biggest, most expensive toy this year, but the holidays will have more love than last year because the bigger you get, the more loving you become, and the more grateful I am to be your parent.

I watched 20/20 last night with millions of others to see the aftermath of destruction that followed the scandal Bernie Madoff put in motion. The story depicted the results of greed, deception, narcissism, and destruction when you value money more than anything else. Closer to home, with the current economic situation, loss of jobs, loss of income, and loss of respect from a business you have worked for most of your life, it’s tough to find a balance. When does “stuff” become too much? How much do we need to survive happily as a family? When couples struggle financially, we also see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups, and chaos. It’s difficult to show love toward your partner if you are worried about paying your cell phone bill, car payment and house note. However, research in this area is finding that materialistic people have unhappier marriages than couples who don’t care much about possessions. This holds true across all levels of income, according to Jason Carroll, who is a Professor of family life at Brigham Young University. Dr. Carroll goes on to say that if you are materialistic, you will have a happier marriage if you find someone who isn’t. Two like-minded materialistic people suffered the least satisfying of marriages.

Dr. Carroll and his colleagues have been studying materialism and marriage and have uncovered information about the effect of money on marriage. The more materialistic you are, the more you suffer anxiety, depression, and insecurity than non-materialistic types. The more you value money, the more troubles you suffer at home, because work usually comes first, and after work is done, people have left you and moved on. Your intimate relationships many times no longer exist. 

The research was done through the RELATE Institute which is a respected national research non-profit organization. In this case, they studied 1,734 married couples and collected online questionnaires from them.  Across the board, the marriages with at least one materialistic spouse were worse off on all measures than marriages where neither spouse was materialistic. It had nothing to do with gender of the spouse; the non-materialistic couples were 10 to 15% better off in the categories studied (marital satisfaction, marriage stability, and lower levels of conflict). The study couldn’t test how materialism erodes a marriage, but Dr. Carroll and his team have a couple of theories.

1.     Materialism causes spouses to make bad financial decisions such as spending beyond their means, which puts them in debt and stresses the marriage.

2.     People who are materialistic are working more to “get things.” They forget, don’t value, or run out of time in a day to nurture their relationships.

Only married people were included in this study, but Dr. Carroll and his team believe the pattern is similar in couples who are cohabitating or long time partners. So, what do we do when we want nice things, or need to make the payments on the nice things we already have? How do we value our partner, but still work hard enough to make our payments, live in a nice neighborhood, send our kids to nice schools, and splurge on a special gift for the holidays? These 5 tips may help.

1.     No matter how hard you work, if you communicate with your spouse each day, letting them know something as simple as, “I am thinking about you,” you will be nurturing your relationship.

2.     Balance is everything. At times that is difficult and unattainable. When you know in advance that work will be consuming a lot of your time, tell your partner in advance so they can mentally prepare. Take them to dinner or spend extra time with them prior to the week or month that you need to focus on work. Remind them by saying something such as, “I am glad we have this time together, because next week (or next month) is going to be very demanding at work.” This tells your partner they are more important to you than money.

3.     Have a family day. One day a week is sacred to families. Shut all communication off on that day. Program that day into your Blackberry, iPhone or whatever device you have so you won’t schedule business.

4.     Children, wives and husbands all like nice things, but they love you. Their love is a gift, not something you will get paid for.  No amount of money or nice things you can ever acquire will replace this love.

5.     As a family, it’s nice to have a charity to which you give every year. Let the kids be part of planning which charity means the most to them. Teaching your children early to value life rather than material is very important.

Dr. Phil once said that “If you marry for money, you earn every bit of it.” What he didn’t say that is equally true is that your family for generations to come will earn it too.  We all like nice things, but when they are valued more than our loved ones, it becomes a downhill ride, and you usually end up at the bottom alone.