It is sad but true that most cases of divorce rip families apart and leave important aspects of life in a quandary. Divorces can be expensive, and fighting over the kids, the family pet and heirlooms degrades everyone involved. There is another option if you must get a divorce. Mediation can help resolve much of the conflict that may otherwise be acted out with angry letters, outrageous actions, or using children as pawns.

Couples who turn to mediation report more civilized planning of what will happen in the future. Most mediation takes six to ten sessions and you can expect to pay $4,000 to $7,000. The mediator is an objective person. He or she is there to help each of you plan who gets what after you both have spent a lifetime building together. They also assist in creating a schedule that works for both of you in regards to the children.

Many couples who have tried counseling and found themselves failing, ask me how a mediator could possibly help. My explanation is that a mediator can help you learn how to communicate with one another in a rational manner. Remember that when you get a divorce, it doesn’t mean you are never going to see each other again. Most likely, you will have to talk to your ex regarding your children at least once a week. Also, every holiday or event your child celebrates both you and your ex will probably be there. Here are some other ways a mediator can help to restore a sense of dignity back into your relationship with your ex:  

1. The American Bar Association embraces divorce mediation to such an extent that they collaborated with national mediation groups to devise the Model of Standard of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation (www.afccnet.org/pdfs/modelstandards.pdf). Everyone knows the constant bickering and fighting that comes with a divorce is not only bad for kids, it is bad for anyone who has to listen to it.
2. Mediators are not counselors. They aren’t going to try and reunite you. They focus on helping you come up with a fair and practical plan.
3. In mediation, you are going to bring all of your assets forward just as you would if you went through a traditional divorce. Most mediators suggest you bring in outside experts such as accountants, real estate appraisers and tax attorneys to calculate your family's true net worth so you have a realistic basis on which to divide your assets. This helps both parties feel protected.
4. Shopping for a good mediator takes knowledge on your part. The laws are different in each state. As a general rule, I would consider several points:  
   
   • A strong knowledge of the state's divorce laws. The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means they cannot give advice to either party, and also cannot act as a lawyer for either party. 
   • Training in the field of mental health.
   • At least 60 hours mediation training.
5. There are certain situations where it would not be wise to have a mediator. These may include any sort of abuse (physical, mental or sexual), addictions, or the situation that one spouse is hiding assets and has been dishonest with bringing those forward. In these cases, I would hire the best lawyer I could and seek their guidance.  

No one “wins” in a divorce (unless there has been abuse), and usually the kids lose the most. Divorce mediation is one more way you can help protect your children as they go through the painful process with you. In order for your children to move on and have a healthy relationship with their parents, it is best that they do not witness mom and dad hurting each other with words and other tactics in a divorce court. Mediation provides a more dignified and gentle way to split.