When a relationship goes bad the couple is unhappy, fighting and wanting out. The thought of going to therapy for couples work is overwhelming to many, and a financial strain to most. The couple has the feeling that it is hopeless, and no matter what they try it is met with disdain, criticism, and withdrawal. More commonly, when couples do seek therapy before it gets better it may get worse. Coming to terms with all of the issues from 5, 10 or 20 years of marriage is heart wrenching, and leaves both partners tired and discouraged.

Prior to therapy there are things the couple can do if only they knew how and what. The premise I believe to be the most helpful for couples in this “space” is a very simple one. It is to practice the importance of committing small, simple loving gestures each day. This is backed up by previous research on the subject. I don’t ask my couples to do loving gestures all day; I ask them to take 15 minutes each day and fill that time with simple loving thoughts and actions. It’s not the incredibly expensive diamonds, trips or cars that make your partner fall in love and begin to communicate openly with you. It’s the smallest actions of love that provide the biggest impact.

Suzanne Bartle-Haring, Ph.D., from Ohio State University, studied thousands of couples, and concluded that the key to maintaining and improving relationships for everyone was a simple 15 minutes a day. It made no difference whether that 15 minutes was an action of spending time together over coffee, or taking the time to call at lunch time and visit with your partner…the 15 minutes stood firm with improving the couple’s feelings toward one another.

When I suggest this treatment to couples they do feel the immediate impact of what 15 minutes does for them within a week’s time (if both of them are willing to commit to engaging in the 15 minutes). However, the key is not to stop. For some reason after a month or so, couples become complacent again, almost lazy with the fact that they are feeling more in love again, and they begin to grow lax with keeping their 15 minutes going. Of course, if you don’t continue, the marriage or relationship will back slide, because just as you need to be fed each day, you need the emotional connection with your partner each day. One tip to also remember is 15 minutes can generalize to your children too. The latest report I read about parental engagement found that teens usually get less than 10 minutes each day of parental engagement. If you are a parent, it would be wise to give your child 15 minutes as well as 15 minutes to your partner. That time could not be better spent in any other endeavor. 

Free ideas to think about if you want to take a 15 minute break with your partner or offer a small gesture of love:

1. Take time to meet up and go to a park, garden, museum, or art gallery.  The sculpture garden in Houston is gorgeous, and completely free. A great meet-up place. These are free outings and they calm you so you can restore communication.
2. Put a sticky note in your partner’s purse or brief case with a quote or romantic saying.
3. Try to come up with only one spontaneous gesture of affection a day such as a hug, kiss, or holding hands (this should extend to the kids). Humans need to be touched by the people they love most.
4. Differences are good, so it’s important to learn what your spouse is interested in and show interest. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, you can talk about your partner’s interests.
5. A great way to share 15 minutes with your children is family dinner or having a family game night (any board game is great).

The busier we all become, the more important it is that you actually schedule in “partner time.” You don’t have to spend money to improve your relationships, but you do need to spend time.

The first time I ever witnessed a good impression of a fake orgasm was a movie called, “When Harry met Sally.” Most of us saw it, and most of us remember our reaction. We may have blushed especially if we were a woman, because most women watching it have faked an orgasm. The interesting part to me was men didn’t seem alarmed. They really were convinced it was the real deal, didn’t really react to the exaggerated “YES” in the movie, and no doubt had been or were currently being faked by a lover of their own. I talk to men and women about their intimacy and sex every day. I have yet to hear a man ever say he faked an orgasm. Why? There are many reasons. For one thing, most women don’t care if he has an orgasm or not. It doesn’t say anything about his technique if he does or doesn’t. However, if his woman doesn’t orgasm, the man tells himself that he is doing something incorrectly.

If a woman doesn’t orgasm, it is a reflection on her lover (sometimes). I don’t think women necessarily blame their partner, but their partners often blame themselves. Women fake orgasms because they want their partner to stop, or they may be frustrated with their partner’s skill, or they may not be in the mood to orgasm, or they may need a different type of stimulation, or they may not be able to create the right fantasy in their head (due to something their partner is doing or saying that distracts them).  Or it’s thinking of your to do list sex.  They may feel fat that day, they may not like how their partner smells, or they may be angry at their partner and hurt.  It may be pity sex, they may be with a talker of nonsense which totally turns them off, they may be bored with the way their partner mounts them, or they may be bored with the music to which their partner insists on listening, or they may be tired. The list goes on and on why women feel the need to fake an orgasm. It isn’t honest, and it prevents a couple from improving their sex life when one of the partners fakes anything, so in my line of work I discourage faking.

When a couple who has had many fake orgasms begin not having them at all, it is like an alcoholic not relying on vino anymore…it can be scary. It means you have to be willing to talk about how you feel. Talking about how you feel about the kids or the in-laws is one thing, but talking about what you like in bed, where you like to be touched, and what sort of friction feels best is awkward. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together five or thirty years.  You may be able to write each other’s obituary, but talking about what you like sexually can make you feel like a clumsy fifteen year old.

Men are so connected with their sexuality that when they find out their partner has been faking orgasms, even if it was done to protect his feelings, he feels a sense of betrayal. He will even say, “You’ve been faking all these years?” “What else have you faked or lied about?” Who can blame him? Sex is his main way of connecting, emotionally and physically. It would be the same if a man told a woman that, “He loved only her,” but yet had a girlfriend on the side. She would no doubt feel betrayed if she found out, but is that any worse than betraying your lover by acting as if he is pleasing you when he is not? If women say, “I want my relationship to be transparent and real,” then women’s sex lives should demonstrate that as well.

When women claim their sexuality, and become an equal partner with love making, sex becomes a more intimate relationship. Women who know what they like can help set up that atmosphere. They can teach their husbands or boyfriends what feels good for them so the sexual pleasure is experienced by both. Women who have sex are healthier and more emotionally balanced than women who don’t. Women want men to engage with them emotionally, but they forget intimacy is perhaps the best way to enhance connectedness and a sense of well-being.  If you have been faking way too long, and you want a richer, deeper intimacy with your partner, these tips will help. The first step is the toughest, because there is no such thing as a little faking. You either fake….or you don’t.

1. Tell your partner you want to become a more engaged partner in your love making. You needn’t tell them you have been faking orgasms, although it may help to tell them you aren’t sure what pleases you.
2. Try new things. Couples who are open to trying new places, music, smells, and/or positions seem to anticipate their time alone much more.
3. Make time. If you get careless and don’t make love making a priority, it will become quickies every day. Quickies are highly correlated with fakers. This is mostly a time problem. Women take longer.  If you block out two hours (reserve an hour and a half for a bath, dancing, and/or being close with soft talking), you will have more success at achieving a real orgasm.
4. The body has an incredible ability to learn. Once you have a real orgasm, the likelihood of you having another one is high.
5. When your partner does something RIGHT…always let them know you are delighted. 

So many women in their thirties and forties tell me they have never had an orgasm. Their partners, on the other hand, are telling me how much sex they have and how much their partner enjoys their orgasms. Faking an orgasm is, not only a type of deceit to your partner, it is a disrespect of your own sexual needs. Your body has an incredible ability to help you release stress, minimize moodiness, and attain a physical/emotional connection to another. Why would anyone want to fake something so beneficial to their health? –Mary Jo Rapini

In an interesting interview with Meg Ryan, who faked the famous orgasm in “When Harry met Sally,” she said she did it by pretending she was on a roller coaster in the dropping phase. No woman hearing that interview was surprised that the fake orgasm had nothing to do with sex…..every man was surprised because as they watched it, they “knew” that’s how they made their wife feel with her orgasms. The brain, not the genitals, is the biggest sex organ.

I hate divorce. It’s a fact I have to live with though, because I am a relationship psychotherapist and some marriages have to end. I think divorce is a lot like marriage in that you don’t really know what you’re getting into, until you’re midway in and then it’s too late to turn back…so you just keep going, feeling, and living. I have a dear friend going through a divorce they didn’t want. It’s painful to watch, to listen to, and for my friend, I am sure it is the most painful to experience. I’m going to be seeing my friend soon, and this was the short note I received about the status of the divorce.

Dear Mary Jo, Our divorce might be final by then. We communicate through our lawyers right now. I'm just completely speechless by the way my spouse (ex) manages to turn around and live life as if I had never been part of it! It's this rejection which hurts most….. Love your friend….ML

I keep thinking there is a better way, but for the life of me, how does one turn things around to make the pain stop? An annulment is not the answer any more than pretending something which existed didn’t. Mediation comes closest to helping a divorce end with some sort of workable relationship still intact, and I think it is the best idea for children involved to be able to love both their parents without being quizzed or made to feel guilty. It’s the prevention of divorce I would like to offer…but we have very few tools to work with. The one tool we have that actually has the biggest impact toward helping marriages survive is premarital counseling, but most couples prefer the huge wedding and expensive celebration in lieu of money better spent on making sure they will be compatible for more than three years. It’s frustrating for those of us in the field and for those involved with a divorce they didn’t want.

More and more research is coming out in the marital area. Something most of us in the field would never have promoted is making an impact on marriage survival. In the past, if one of the partners were against marital therapy, the other who wanted to go would suffer in silence. Now we have good evidence that if one of the partners goes to therapy and shares the homework and talks about the therapy with their partner, the marriage actually begins improving. Below are the new rules for marriage therapy on your own. It may not be as ideal as the couple going….but as long as the couple wants to save the marriage, and both are willing to work at the marriage by completing homework assignments, it can be a positive step in the right direction. Before you invest, make sure you do your homework up front. Here are suggestions to consider up front according to Dr. Howard Markman, a Psychologist and the study’s lead researcher:

1. Find a therapist who will engage with you, but understands you are trying to improve your marriage. The therapist must be willing to see you alone, but work on the relationship.
2. Talk to your partner about why they don’t want to go. Do they feel the marriage is hopeless, or are they uncomfortable with therapy? Does your partner still believe the marriage will work? If you go alone, the marriage problems must be transparent. If your spouse is still lying, cheating or abusive, this method will most likely fail. 
3. Understand your goal is not to change your partner, but rather to gain insight into the dysfunctional pattern established and your role in it.
4. Invite your partner to come with you, but don’t coerce them. It is better if they attend when and if they are ready to join you. Using shame or guilt will backfire if used on your spouse.
5. Share all homework, articles, and books suggested. Spouses who began learning together were each improved the same, and their marriage did too, according to the research.

No matter who goes into therapy, there is a premise that couples need to understand and embrace. That premise of marriage is that you cannot change another person. The only person you can ever change is you, and you accomplish that by changing your reactions. The fault of a broken marriage has two names, HIS and HERS (same sex marriages His and His or Hers and Hers).

Last week I went to a healthy happy hour with a couple of my closest friends. We began visiting about life, relationships and our work. One of the women was talking about her elderly mom who lives on the east coast. This dilemma of having an elderly parent far away and worrying about them is a common issue right now amongst many. My friend’s mom is there all alone, and my friend and her family and support people are here. Of course mom doesn’t want to move, but is too elderly to live alone. My friend offered several options for her mom. She could find an elderly gated community that offered medical necessity care and social activities, move to an assisted living home, have someone come into her home to help with caring for her, or move in with her daughter down here.

I have never met my friend’s mom, but I believe I would like her. For an eighty-eight year old woman she is sharp as a tack. She very rationally told my friend why she did not want any of the options offered. They were well thought out answers and made a lot of sense. When I am eighty-eight, I hope I can reason as well. Her reason for not wanting to come and live with her daughter was my personal favorite. She told my friend, “I love your husband too much, and if I move in, you will never have sex with him again.” My friend turned red; the thought of her eighty eight year old mother saying such a thing embarrassed her. My friend also admitted that part of the embarrassment had been that her mother is able to look through her, and knew the truth about her. My friend would not have sex again if mom moved in. In fact, my friend isn’t alone. Most women cannot have sex if parents are in the vicinity. This goes back to the fact that women don’t have sex when they are stressed. By contrast, men need sex when they are stressed, because sex helps relieve their stress.

When parents move back in with their kids as they become older, it places stress on the child and spouse. This happens even if the child wants to care for mom and/or dad. There are all kinds of reasons why this happens. Mom and dad are more fragile in old age, and the child is forced to worry about them, but there is still the conflict that mom and dad are still the authority. It’s difficult to take that away, to take over managing their life. Many of my baby boomer couples haven’t had sex in months due to the stress of having to take away a parent’s car keys due to their limited eyesight and immobility. When a daughter’s elderly parents are underfoot in their home, they no longer are their husband’s lover, they are a care taker. The thought of making noise while having an orgasm where mom or dad may hear is something most female boomers will blush about, even if the TV is so loud your neighbors can hear it. Women need an atmosphere conducive for enjoying sex, and home isn’t it anymore once the parents move in.

My upbringing taught me it is an honor to have one’s parents live with you when they grow older and feebler. I am a relationship therapist and an advocate for marriage, so I also believe the couple’s marriage must take priority. If you have the privilege to care for your older parents and you don’t want to harm your marriage (sex is the glue of a healthy marriage), there are things you can do that will help. Here are a few that I advise, but your parent’s health care facility social worker may be able to offer many more.

1. If at all possible, give mom and dad as much independence as possible. An apartment in the backyard or a small room away from the rest of the family will help maintain your privacy as well as theirs.
2. Scheduling sex means sex will happen, and so schedule it during your parent’s favorite program, radio show, or nap.
3. Contact senior services in your area. Many times they will have a shuttle bus that comes around and picks up seniors and takes them to activities especially relevant to their social needs.
4. Talk to your spouse about getting away more often. There are many people who sit with elderly clients so caretakers can get out of the house. There has never been a more necessary time to get away with your spouse. Caring for elderly parents can be exhausting and emotionally painful.
5. Keep it simple. As people grow older, their world becomes narrower. This is not a bad thing. The older we get, the more we pay attention to the birds, squirrels, and nature. Telling mom and dad that you and your spouse are going to spend the evening alone in the bedroom is wise. They will get the hint, and you have communicated like the adult they always hoped you’d grow up to become.

I frequently get requests for marital therapy where the woman will say, “My husband has become an animal.” I inquire asking her, “Has anything changed in the marriage?” Frequently she will say, “Not really, my parents moved in, but they are in an apartment in the back of the house, so it really doesn’t affect us.” I will then ask, “Are you as active sexually as you use to be?” Her response may bring a faint smile to your face, she says, “No, I’m stressed out, my mom is here all the time.” Take care of your marriage, and prioritize your time together. Part of your mom and dad’s happiness stems from them knowing they raised a child who is happily married.

*Single people caring for a parent may find the load of caring for their elderly parent overwhelming. Remember, you need to take time for yourself more frequently than if you were married, because there is no one to share the load.

Couples reach out at all times in their marriage for marital counseling. Perhaps the worst time is when there is an impending divorce date on the calendar. Beginning marital therapy with an impending divorce date is the epitome of procrastination and many times won’t be successful. If you have an impending date, you have already told your partner with actions that you do not believe the marriage can be salvaged. It’s analogous to a dieter who joins weight watchers for the first time but also stops on the way to the meeting for a bag of chips. You have sabotaged yourself before you get started.

A divorce or separation doesn’t just happen; it takes years. In fact, the mean is seven years plus or minus two to create a divorce. Conflict resolution is always more effective when you deal with it right away. Many couples let things go, thinking they will resolve themselves, and sometimes they do. However, if the same problem keeps occurring, it is a good time to intervene. Faulty patterns established in order to resolve a situation make their way into the marriage without intervention. These faulty patterns bring a temporary solution, but they are usually not healthy or well thought out. Alcohol, drugs, eating, withdrawing, yelling, shopping and emotional affairs could be considered temporary solutions. It is the temporary solution rather than the marriage that is problematic. The temporary solution is also why the divorce is impending.

Couples may say the reason they don’t get help with their marriage is because their partner won’t go to therapy. The newest research is supporting that if one partner goes to marital therapy, the marriage will improve. The research is more positive if the woman goes by herself, and this may be for several reasons including that the majority of divorces are initiated by the woman. During therapy, the couple learns that it is not their partner who needs to change but themselves. Changing your reaction changes everything.

If you find yourself with an impending divorce date, and you both aren’t sure if you really want to go through with it, you do have options. Below are 5 suggestions you should consider prior to calling a therapist for help.

1. Talk to your spouse and tell them directly you do not want a divorce. Ask them if they are willing to work on the marriage. Be clear, don’t hint.
2. Postpone the court date that you have scheduled for your divorce.
3. Each of you should write down three weaknesses about yourself that makes it difficult for your partner to love you.
4. Each of you should write down five reasons you believe the marriage can make it.
5. Whichever one of you initiated the divorce should consider beginning therapy on your own first and then finding a couples counselor. This does not have to be the same counselor, and often is not since the couples counselor must be fair at all times and not show favoritism. If you have a relationship with a therapist, it may be difficult for the therapist to be objective with the two of you.

If you go to couples counseling with temporary solutions before the marriage becomes destructive, it is highly likely you will be successful at enhancing your marital communication. The worst time to begin therapy is with an impending divorce date; however, personally, I would rather have a couple seek help at any time rather than walk away from their marriage.

*These suggestions are not meant for abusive marriages. In the case of abuse, leave the marriage; protect yourself and your children.

In almost every old movie when the couples are in love and committing to one another there will appear a door, and the man carries the woman over the threshold. Whether that happens with a newly married couple moving into their first home, or whether it happens on a date when the guy carries the woman into the bedroom…. it happens. Today there is a new threshold, where the woman is being carried over the boyfriend/husband’s parents’ threshold, or her parents’ threshold. The bottom line is they aren’t moving into their own place.

This goes on in many other countries. In fact, in Italy men frequently live at home until they are forty. The mothers in Italy have a lot of power and control, and it is understood. In the US it is not traditional. In fact, young people want to leave home as soon as possible, but the economy is forcing many of those who left to return, and it is awkward when a grown son or daughter moves back in with mom and dad. Many times, they don’t come home alone; they have a “friend” or spouse. Having teenagers living with parents is wild enough, but having grown children with their spouses, friends or children living with parents can be chaotic.

It’s not only chaotic for the in-laws, but it’s chaotic for the in-law child too. They didn’t grow up with the parents’ family. They didn’t see the type of parenting style used to raise their new husband or wife, nor do they understand expectations and family boundaries. These issues and many more can make the stay in the family home a stressful, tumultuous time.  As with all things, the better planning and communication about what is going to happen, the better. This is not a good surprise for anyone, so communication about feelings prior to moving in will make the threshold more welcoming. Below are a few more suggestions that will help.

1. Have a clear idea in mind how long you are going to live with your parents. Knowing a time limit will help people choose their battles more wisely. For example, if you cannot stand the way your dad or father-in-law spits tobacco while watching CNN, if you know you only have to tolerate it for six months, it may allow you to step back and find an option rather than saying, “Gross, can you stop that,” and storming off to your room or criticizing your partner.
2. Talk to your partner about boundaries. All couples need privacy, and if you know that you will have a place in the home that is off limits to everyone else, it can be a refuge when you need space.
3. Don’t just ask; observe and help whenever you can. When you live with someone else’s parents as a couple, you are usually trying to save money for a place of your own. Your way of giving back is to help. Cooking meals, folding laundry, running errands, and numerous other tasks keep a family going and they are all time consuming for one person. The more hands the better.
4. Remember, your in-laws were a couple long before you came into the picture. They have an unspoken language you may not understand, but your partner will. As much as possible, stay out of family feuds and arguments unless they directly involve you.
5. Date nights for you and your partner are so important, and they become even more important if you are living with in-laws. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you do need to get out of the house together and enjoy one another as a couple. If you have children, you will want to make babysitting arrangements so mom and dad don’t feel like you are taking advantage of them (this is the number one problem I hear about when kids move back home, so talking about it before it happens is advised).

Having parents and in-laws who are willing and supportive in offering you a place to live so you can save money or get on your feet is a gift. The best way you can gift back to them, is to try your best to be the kind of person that leaves them missing you, rather than distancing themselves from you. This is achieved through communication, gratefulness, and respect of boundaries. It can be a time remembered fondly in your relationship or a memory you want to forget.

Emotional abuse is as dangerous as physical abuse, and another reason for divorce. It is more difficult to prove, more difficult to talk with the kids as a reason for leaving, but no less destructive in the havoc it causes in the family. Emotional abuse is also much easier to deny and rationalize which is why many people stay in the relationship too long. The longer you are exposed to emotional abuse, the more harmful it becomes, and the deeper it affects your confidence as well as your self-esteem.

The worst part of emotional abuse is you cannot see it. It doesn’t leave physical bruises, cuts or visits to the emergency room, but it is still just as real as physical abuse. It may present with a partner being rejecting, demanding, criticizing, and refusing to listen, blaming, threatening, verbal insults, sarcasm, emotional outbursts as well as temper tantrums. The abuser usually has control over it long enough that they won’t abuse their partner in public; they don’t want to be diminished in their social standing. Behind closed doors though, they may turn into a completely different person, often times resembling a monster of sorts.

The victim can usually be noticed because they have so many symptoms of guilt, shame, depression, isolation from friends or family, nervousness, and may also resort to self-blaming frequently. If you see these behaviors in a family member or good friend, it may be helpful if you talk to them about what you are observing. Many times, emotionally abused people continue the cycle because they don’t trust others, and they feel so unworthy of having a friend who cares about them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is an emotional abuser, you need to get out, not only for your own safety and sanity, but for your children’s. You cannot fix your partner. Your partner is fixable only if they are able to accept that they have a problem. Below are suggestions that will help you make the first move in getting help.

1. You need to confide in one other person what is going on. This person should be someone you trust and someone who is willing to let you come to them prior to or when the abuse is happening.
2. A counselor will help empower you, and can help you make a plan. To find a reputable counselor, talk to your primary care doctor. Most physicians have a list of therapists they work with, know of their work, and can help you.
3. Emotionally abusive people many times have no idea what they say in a fit of rage, so tape recording the abuse may be helpful for you, especially if you need legal help. I have also found that clients need to remember what their partner said to them so they can go through with making changes (denial and learned unworthiness keep the cycle going…you cannot deny hearing the words recorded).
4. Your safety is always a prime concern. Staying away from the emotional abuser and not going back into the situation is the best way to secure yours and your child’s safety.

Many of my clients have told me they would have preferred being hit to the emotional abuse, because if you were hit, everyone could see it. They have told me that the most difficult part of emotional abuse is telling yourself you don’t deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated with disdain or humiliated. When this treatment comes at the hands of someone who says they “love you,” it is, not only sick, it is emotionally devastating. You must get out; your staying will actually enable the abuser to get worse.  Sometimes the most poignant way to show love is to leave.

When I meet a dating couple, it doesn’t take long to see the attraction that brought them together. This same attraction that makes them delight in one another can turn them into mortal enemies when they are married and making decisions about finance, location and family as a married couple. A friend of mine went into the army, and remembers his mother telling him as he packed his bags to go, “You are my son, I support what you are doing with your life, but whatever you do, don’t get married to a girl over there.” My friend says to this day, his mother has not accepted his wife of twenty years, and her adjusting to the United States, her husband’s family, as well as his faith, has been anything but smooth waters. So what is it that makes us so attracted to one specific person, and how different is too different to marry?

William Ickes, PhD studies attraction and reports that for the most part people who live in close proximity to one another, and are considerate of one another, can also fall in love with each other. The key element seems to be a mutual chemistry or attraction to one another. Dr. Ickes also believes that people look for someone who will complement them, but still maintain their differences. Dating is rarely as light hearted as we make it out to be and when we are interested in someone, and want to be involved in a serious relationship with them, we find out rather quickly where they stand. There are, of course, numerous ways we can be alike as well as opposite from a potential partner, but five features seem to pose the most importance for long-term relationships.

1. Physical attractiveness: Most people look for attractiveness similar to their own. When you see someone who is not great looking with someone who is great looking, the person who isn’t great looking usually has a lot more of some other type of asset to offer the relationship.
2. Money: For men, money symbolizes success and masculinity. For women, it symbolizes security. Money matters are one of the top three things that can break a relationship. The more similar your potential partner’s values regarding money are, the better your chance for a long-term relationship/marriage.
3. Faith: Sharing the same faith can enrich a relationship and help form a bond enhancing the attraction.  Mixed faith marriages are tough, but not impossible. Although a mixed faith marriage may seem exciting at first, it will be a challenge unless you approach it as a way to better understand your partner.   
4. Children: If your potential partner is truly opposite from you, having and raising children will be a challenge. Individual’s values usually are similar in close, committed relationships, and if your opposite does not value the same things you do, trying to raise kids together will bring up issues in education, faith, in-laws, financial issues, and an endless list of other issues.
5. Communication is crucial to all relationships, and is best facilitated by education levels. For the most part, people who are educated usually attract others who are educated. Love stories and movies may depict one educated partner caring for and teaching the other, but for the most part this doesn’t happen, with the exception of our parent’s generation.

I have many friends who date and it is somewhat surprising how they will identify one of these five items as the reason why the relationship didn’t go any further. Many of them have dated for months, even years prior to deciding they just couldn’t tolerate this aspect of the person they reportedly loved on all other levels. Attraction is a funny thing. Working with couples, it is obvious that love really is blind or at least clouded for most of us. The single most important thing to be attracted to in a long-term relationship is the person’s values. Looks will fade (or will be enhanced in a scary way), money will be split 50/50, kids will grow up, and careers will continue to evolve. Values are deeper, and as long as you keep communicating about your relationship, and you both continue to put your relationship first, you will most likely continue being attracted to one another.

I’m in the divorce generation. I know so many people that have gotten divorced, remarried and divorced again. It’s interesting what people say when they talk about their divorce. They focus on the fighting, the betrayals, and the lonely nights. Rarely do they ever talk about the kids. If they do, they may mention, “Well, the kids are better off without the fighting.” I understand why they say this. If I were divorced, I would probably want to say the same thing, but I can’t. I can’t because it isn’t true. Kids would do anything to help their parents stay together in most cases. Abuse is an exception to all of these rules. If there is abuse, you have to get out, no questions asked. Just leave. Keep you and your kids safe.

One of the reasons parents say that the kids are better off is because they are given only two options, “Do you want mommy and daddy to live together and fight, or would you rather we live apart and not fight?” The child may say, “I want you to live together and not fight.” It is at this time, the child is much wiser than the parents. The child is presenting a third option that the parents are blind to in their rage or unhappiness. The child understands that there are more options than fighting and splitting or living together and being miserable. Parents will tell me at the point prior to divorce they have explored other options, but they just cannot work it out. I don’t believe that either. I think one or both parents have decided they love someone else, don’t want the fuss of a demanding partner anymore, or they have decided the therapist isn’t helpful and their marriage is over.

No matter where you are in your marriage, I do want you to know the truth about your children and divorce. It hurts them. It hurts a child more for parents to divorce than it does if one of the parents died.  There is a study that has been going on for eighty years by a gentleman at Stanford University named Lewis Terman. Terman began the study in 1921 and it continues. Psychology Today featured an article about divorce and kids from Terman’s study. The children in the study (some of them old adults now) died five years earlier on average than kids from intact families. The death of a parent did not show this result, nor were the kids as stressed with parental death as they were with parental divorce.

We have so many ways of talking to ourselves to make life more acceptable. Some days, denial is necessary for us to be able to get out of bed in the morning. Denial is a defense mechanism, and with divorce and its pain, denial helps numb us so we can carry on. Denial can also be harmful if it prevents us from making wise, often times difficult choices. If your marriage is going badly, and denial keeps it going badly, then you better wake up before it’s too late. Your kids are watching, they are stressed, and getting a divorce is not one of the options you should begin with.

There are reasons divorce is so stressful for kids. Here are a few.

1. Kids don’t have control over death or divorce, but with divorce they personalize it more and believe that if they had done better or more, their parents would still love each other. Death doesn’t take away daddy’s love for mom, or mom’s love for daddy, divorce does. No matter what you tell your child, they believe this.
2. Kids understand eventually that death is final. Divorce is never final. Parents can choose to love one another again or work things out. I have had forty year olds tell me they wish their parents could get back together.  
3. Kids feel unloved when mommy or daddy choose a new partner. A divorce tells your child that one of their parents loved someone else or a different life more than they loved them. Again, it doesn’t matter what you tell your child, on the contrary, actions are louder than words.
4. Kids get more attention and love if a parent dies than they do if it’s a divorce. In the case of a divorce, the child’s grief is confusing. The child may still see both parents, but one of the parents is no longer present in the child’s concept of their family. The child may end up feeling guilty, ashamed, and angry. Many times, kids will use these feelings to manipulate the new living arrangements after a divorce. This increases the guilt and anger for the child.

I wish there were some magical way I could prevent kids from going through a divorce, but unfortunately I cannot. We are all vulnerable to divorce, which is another reason we have to be attentive to our relationships. If you are having difficulty in your marriage, and you want to make changes before it becomes insurmountable, here are three ideas I think are a great place to begin.

1. Talk to your spouse about how you FEEL. Use I words, not you, never, always or should.
2. If you are religious, I would suggest you begin by talking to someone in your church who counsels parishioners. Many reverends have been trained in counseling, and they can help you spiritually step back, and rethink the situation.
3. Psychotherapy is so helpful, but it’s expensive. You may want to begin with a marital retreat. Some of the best retreats are listed on a website called www.smartmarriages.com. This can help you get started.

Kids who grow up in an unhealthy marriage have more stress, more illnesses due to the stress, and more emotional pain due to the stress. If you cannot make your marriage better for yourself, please work on a healthy marriage for your kids and their kids to come. All marriages require work and they are all imperfect at times, just like life. Marriage is a lifestyle, not a means to an end. It is a work in progress.

When I counsel couples and the guy feels trapped or against the wall, he will frequently say in his defense, “Hey, I’m just a simple guy. I don’t know what you want.” I would like to interject here, because it seems that when a guy says this in my office, his partner becomes suddenly irate. She will actually go into a long litany of things he “should have known.” I usually stay silent here, because this part of their story is very telling. They are telling me their expectations of one another, their sadness, disappointment, and how they are resolving the issues. I could ask for this written nicely on a sheet of paper, but it wouldn’t be as helpful to them or to me as their counselor.

When a guy uses this simple clause, he is using something that has been passed on from man to man, generation to generation. The truth is, guys aren’t simple. They have fewer words to use than women, but they are NOT simple. In fact, I believe men are more emotional and complicated than any women married to them could imagine. The simple clause is beneficial to them, because it helps them avoid dealing with emotional issues that they feel overwhelmed by. Part of the reasoning for this, could be that men are wired to react to stress quicker, and take longer for the reactions to return to normal. A woman can get upset; her heart rate, blood pressure and respiration will speed up, but she returns to a normal pace much quicker than her man. His not getting engaged or worked up about an issue may be a safety mechanism for his health.

Women who have difficulty with men who claim to be simple or not knowing, many times have difficulty saying what they want, what they mean, or expressing themselves in an assertive manner. If you feel embarrassed about saying what you need, or you act passive because you believe that’s what women do, then to a certain extent your man will be “clueless.” His admitting defeat at not knowing what you wanted is spot on. No one could possibly know what you want, unless you communicate it directly. The inability of couples to express themselves directly creates tension in the marriage, and those marriages usually don’t last.

If you live with a man who claims simplicity and not knowing what you want, it is a wonderful opportunity for you to begin setting aside each day to talk with him. These talks would not be focused on what you want, so much as they would be focused on the vision you have for your marriage. Men are problem solvers, and if there is a goal, a man will most likely achieve it with a straighter, more linear course than a woman (the woman will seek to understand the process more…usually). Assigning homework for the couple shows interesting results.  Eight times out of ten it is the man who will complete the assignment. The woman will have wonderful excuses why she couldn’t, and I will even believe some of those, but the message it is giving her husband and I is that the marriage is not a priority or the homework is not important (she usually does not directly say why she didn’t do the homework, so the guy who should have known why, doesn’t).  

If you believe you live with a simple man, it may be due to his total frustration at not knowing what to do, how to please you, and his feelings that he can no longer do anything without you criticizing him. I am going to offer these suggestions as a “can do” process for you to find the genius in your man.

1. Guys, telling your partner that “You are simple and didn’t know” won’t work for long and maybe not at all. A more fitting comeback when you feel trapped or accused may be, “I feel confused and upset, but I do love you (if you still do), and want to resolve this and move on.” She will not be able to discount this line, and it reflects honesty with a sense of taking responsibility for your own feelings.
2. Ladies, be direct. If you are hinting and making subtle remarks, don’t expect your partner or anyone else to understand what you want. Many women are afraid to be direct because they think men won’t like them as much. Do you want to be “liked” or respected? Many times women, who are respected, respect others and are consequentially liked.
3. We teach the people we live with how to treat us. If your partner is afraid of talking about how they really feel, there is a problem in the relationship. A healthy marriage or relationship is healthy because both people believe how they feel matters to the other person. If your partner isn’t opening up and telling you how they feel, or what they want, you may need to step back a bit, and make the environment safer for him or her to be vulnerable. No one likes to get attacked; no one opens up and shares in that sort of environment. If you want to know the heart of the man or woman you sleep with, you need to encourage their talking about their feelings even when they aren’t positive toward you. 

For you guys who say this phrase, “I’m a simple guy, and didn’t know,” I want you to know that when a woman who loves you hears this, she may “give up” inside and no longer try to make it better. She hears these words, “I’m a simple guy….and I don’t want to engage with you further.” At that point, she feels defeated in having the romantic or emotionally connected relationship she imagined she could have with you. If you want to create a great marriage or relationship, you have to quit making excuses for yourself. I talk with many guys each day….on one hand I can actually count the “simple ones” and most of the time they were not dumb (in this case, being dumb is being unwilling to grow, evolve, re-think a situation and change, not for your wife, but for your marriage).