Couples reach out at all times in their marriage for marital counseling. Perhaps the worst time is when there is an impending divorce date on the calendar. Beginning marital therapy with an impending divorce date is the epitome of procrastination and many times won’t be successful. If you have an impending date, you have already told your partner with actions that you do not believe the marriage can be salvaged. It’s analogous to a dieter who joins weight watchers for the first time but also stops on the way to the meeting for a bag of chips. You have sabotaged yourself before you get started.

A divorce or separation doesn’t just happen; it takes years. In fact, the mean is seven years plus or minus two to create a divorce. Conflict resolution is always more effective when you deal with it right away. Many couples let things go, thinking they will resolve themselves, and sometimes they do. However, if the same problem keeps occurring, it is a good time to intervene. Faulty patterns established in order to resolve a situation make their way into the marriage without intervention. These faulty patterns bring a temporary solution, but they are usually not healthy or well thought out. Alcohol, drugs, eating, withdrawing, yelling, shopping and emotional affairs could be considered temporary solutions. It is the temporary solution rather than the marriage that is problematic. The temporary solution is also why the divorce is impending.

Couples may say the reason they don’t get help with their marriage is because their partner won’t go to therapy. The newest research is supporting that if one partner goes to marital therapy, the marriage will improve. The research is more positive if the woman goes by herself, and this may be for several reasons including that the majority of divorces are initiated by the woman. During therapy, the couple learns that it is not their partner who needs to change but themselves. Changing your reaction changes everything.

If you find yourself with an impending divorce date, and you both aren’t sure if you really want to go through with it, you do have options. Below are 5 suggestions you should consider prior to calling a therapist for help.

1. Talk to your spouse and tell them directly you do not want a divorce. Ask them if they are willing to work on the marriage. Be clear, don’t hint.
2. Postpone the court date that you have scheduled for your divorce.
3. Each of you should write down three weaknesses about yourself that makes it difficult for your partner to love you.
4. Each of you should write down five reasons you believe the marriage can make it.
5. Whichever one of you initiated the divorce should consider beginning therapy on your own first and then finding a couples counselor. This does not have to be the same counselor, and often is not since the couples counselor must be fair at all times and not show favoritism. If you have a relationship with a therapist, it may be difficult for the therapist to be objective with the two of you.

If you go to couples counseling with temporary solutions before the marriage becomes destructive, it is highly likely you will be successful at enhancing your marital communication. The worst time to begin therapy is with an impending divorce date; however, personally, I would rather have a couple seek help at any time rather than walk away from their marriage.

*These suggestions are not meant for abusive marriages. In the case of abuse, leave the marriage; protect yourself and your children.

I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage. When I ask them how long the struggle has been going on the answer is usually several years. When I continue and ask them how they have tried to fix it on their own, 80 percent of the time having a baby, building or buying a new house, and having plastic surgery are typical answers. Just looking at these possible fixes they have used makes me stressed out.

 I cannot imagine trying to fix anything with adding a baby to it, the complications of buying or building a new home, or the pain and down time of having plastic surgery. However, when you are struggling with your marriage, many times you are in a place of desperation and may not be thinking clearly. You are trying to find the answer to what will bring you together more to help secure the future. If your partner feels that there is nothing attaching the two of you, then thinking about a new baby may seem logical. If your partner is nagging you about your weight, breast size or wrinkles, then a facelift, tummy-tuck or breast augmentation may seem logical. If you feel that many of your fights are centered upon lack of space or you’re comparing your home to friends who have nicer homes, then it would make sense that building or buying a home together may bring peace. The truth is none of these things will restore a sick marriage, and most likely will make the impending divorce more painful.

Couples seem to go outward when they are having marital discord. The simple solution is always to go inward, beginning with you first. That becomes very painful for couples, so their tendency to put the “cure” or “fix” on something material makes it more palatable, and also affords them a new focus. Rather than going to counseling and expressing the painful resentment, hurt and pain in order to heal, they move toward getting something new. This may help for a while, but it is almost certainly a Band Aid effect on a deeply infected wound. It may cover the wound so you cannot see the redness, pus, and swelling, but it still hurts, and it will continue to worsen. That baby is going to scream at night, that new house is going to cause more resentment with working longer hours, and trying to agree on décor, and that cosmetic surgery is going to attract more attention, which may cause anger when your partner all of a sudden values you more because of how you look. With all of these “fixes,” the resentment is going to grow exponentially.

There are things you can do when you begin seeing marital discord.  I suggest you engage in these 3 suggestions before resorting to a baby, new home or plastic surgery to “fix” your marriage.

1.     Sit down together and admit there is a problem in your marriage. Identifying the issues together will help you both know where the weaknesses are, so you can better focus on solutions.

2.     Words like never, always, should, can’t and won’t are less effective than “I feel statements.” Begin thinking more of the present. What can you do today that will make it better? Couples who begin to think about forever become more stressed. Marriage is a lifestyle, but its strength is in its ability to grow and change with both partners.

3.     Never go more than 12 hours without touching or connecting in some way. The more you touch your partner, the less you talk, and the more you listen, the stronger the marriage. A good rule of thumb is to say one sentence to your spouse’s three. Practice, Practice, Practice.

4.     Seek a good counselor or mediator. It is wise to tell the therapist or mediator up front that you have marital discord and need mentoring with resolving the issues. This way the therapist or mediator can understand exactly what you want. When everyone is focused on helping you resolve the issues, the chances of success are high.

 Many of the couples I work with did not have good mentors to resolve marital discord. Therefore, they become panicked when they aren’t getting along. Their mentors (many times their parents) used the “fixes” discussed in this article only to divorce later. There are other options.  Having a baby, a new home or plastic surgery can be wonderful events, but not if you end up losing the person you wanted to share them with the most.