The loneliest most of us ever feel is when we are with someone we don’t care for. A bad date or a bad marriage can make us feel so alone and unloved. Many people go out with people they don’t like to avoid being alone for special holidays, and New Year’s Eve is one of those times. Who wants to be home alone on New Year’s Eve? It’s the one night you are supposed to go out, have romance and bring in the New Year with a kiss of passion and goodwill.  I spent one New Year’s Eve with a guy I basically couldn’t stand. I don’t know why I accepted his proposal. He wasn’t even a good kisser and I had experienced his kisses enough to know that. It was miserable for me, and most likely, it wasn’t much fun for him either.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to be alone is because I didn’t understand how wonderful I could make that evening for myself. Many women and men date all sorts of people and go to terrible parties to avoid what I later learned can be a great evening. If you are going to be alone this New Year’s Eve begin now to make it special.

Tips on making your New Year’s Eve alone special:

1. Call an old friend who is too far away to be with. Spend some time talking on the phone, watching New Year's Eve specials together, and reminisce on the year gone by and discuss what's ahead. If your friend is going out at night, it’s okay to call her/him early in the day. Sometimes the voice brings back memories better than writing, so calling actually makes you feel closer and less alone.

2. Plan a nice meal for yourself. Most of the time we plan dinner for two when we want to impress someone. How about impressing you? If you don’t cook, make plans at a special restaurant you have always wanted to try. Go early to avoid long lines. Take a book or something to read if you are worried about eating alone. Many times when you are alone, people are less intimidated and will be more likely to start up a conversation with you. Don’t forget that a really good glass of wine can be a nice way to enjoy your dinner. Splurge on yourself.

3. Before New Year’s Eve, invest in a new hobby to begin New Year’s Eve. Maybe a new book, or a lesson guide for playing the guitar, or learning a language. New Year’s Eve is a good time to think about an area you would like to develop more in the future. Finding a book about fitness or nutrition is a wonderful way to begin the New Year. When we exercise and eat better we have more confidence, and when we have more confidence we appreciate ourselves more.

4. Consider exploring new websites after dinner. Get online, look at funny U-Tubes or other sites you have been meaning to explore. Although it may be 10 p.m. in your time zone, it may be midnight somewhere else. Consider being the first to tell others “Happy New Year.” Get online.

5. If you cannot stand to be alone, consider hosting a party for everyone you know who is single. When you have others around who have a lifestyle you share, it is much easier to feel connected. Good friends are always a better option than being with someone who bores you or doesn’t respect you. Just remember, if they drink (and most of our friends do), they may need to spend the night. Friends don’t let friends drive intoxicated. Period!  

6.  Take a hot bath with good smelling bubbles.  Enjoy soft lighting, a glass of champagne and good music.  You don’t need to be with someone else to relax and feel good about your own body. While relaxing in the water remind yourself how fortunate you have been and be thankful. Begin to imagine your new year. Thank your body for all it has done for you this year.

7.  If being alone this year for New Year’s Eve is too scary, try a getaway. Plan a vacation. Go somewhere you have always wanted to go and explore it fully. Getting away distracts you from not having someone to share the evening with. It also is a good way to learn more about yourself and others!

The best relationships always begin with the relationship we have with ourselves. New Year’s Eve is the perfect evening to begin exploring and celebrating ourselves. You don’t need another person to symbolize you are okay or desirable. In fact, the most desirable people I know are the ones who know how to celebrate themselves from time to time. You will be one of the few who wakes up January 1, 2012 feeling invigorated and inspired; grateful you didn’t settle under pressure on New Years Eve. 

More and more I am surrounded by women over 35 years of age who want to get married, but cannot find a suitable partner. They have heard the best places to go for singles over 35, have been set up on numerous blind dates, have joined online dating, and still don’t have a ring on their finger. These women are educated, have a great job, great homes, gorgeous, and would make the perfect wife. What’s wrong? When I talk with these women, many think the problem may rest with the guys. Guys in their age range want younger, less established women, or cougars who are self-made and don’t need the guy’s financial backing, or his ability to procreate in order to share a life together. But if I take a bit longer and talk more in depth with these women, then I begin to see that it may not be the men at all. It may in fact be the way these women are feeling toward themselves or what they are projecting outward that is limiting their ability to find a suitable partner for marriage.

Many of us don’t understand that how we feel inside really does project on the outside. If you feel cynical, judgmental or unhappy, no matter how much your latest haircut, manicurist, trainer, or diet fad costs, your looks will reflect how you feel. If you have been let down by men beginning with your dad when you were six, or by your boyfriend who got stolen from you when you were 17 years old, and you never resolved it, then you will attract a man who gets stolen from you or abandons you time after time. When a man becomes interested in you, they take a look at you and already know their destiny. There are things you have to look at within yourself whenever you are seeking something or someone. These thoughts/tapes are often the reason most women over 35 who want to get married are not.

1.     Life has taught you to be critical. Men are emotional beings just as women are. They enjoy sex, but they want to build a life with women who are kind and loving. There is a saying that “every man loves a bitch.” This is misinterpreted by many women. Men like a confident woman who is capable of loving herself and others. Men do not like mean women. If a man is drawn to a mean woman, it says more about his family of origin than it does about the woman. Be careful…do you want to be with a man who likes mean women? Really?

2.     Your standard of measurement is askew.  Often, women who want to marry but aren’t married are still looking for someone cute.  Sexual attraction is important, but in regards to a husband, what are most important are honesty and character. One study referenced in my blog reported that the healthiest marriages were those where the woman was the looker, not the guy. If you have a particular “cute level” they must achieve, you need to look in the mirror again with your makeup washed off, because this is the way your husband will see you each morning.

3.     Being honest with yourself is not valued. The majority of single women over 35 who want to be married are in relationships with people that they don’t really love or see a future with. They lie to these guys and tell them such things as, “Yeah, its okay if we don’t get married.” They move in with him and begin a life, many times committing years of their lives to a man who is never going to commit to them because they are afraid if they tell him the truth he will leave. If you want to get married, make it known, be authentic up front, and don’t settle for someone who is still trying to flirt with everything he sees.

4.     You don’t like yourself. Women who are single and over a certain age become very self-focused. They begin to see all of their flaws (especially with looks); the world becomes totally centered on them. The more this happens, the more they repel others.  Soon, they find themselves alone and begin to think they don’t deserve anyone. When a man is looking for a wife, any vibes of self hate come through loud and clear. Somehow they get it, that you cannot possibly love them any more than you can love yourself. If you disgust you, how can you possibly love them?

The only reason to get married is because you have decided that this person brings out the very best in you and you in them. The thought of not sharing your life with them is worse than the thought of losing everything else in your life.  It takes that kind of commitment from both of you. Marriage is a lifestyle; the vows are sacred. Prepare yourself to be a good partner instead of focusing on how messed up single guys/women are over 35 years of age.

I receive referrals from physicians specializing in OB/GYN, Urology, Oncology and Internal Medicine. Many of the couples I see are struggling with libido and sexual issues. One of the main problems that I notice among couples originates from the lack of knowledge regarding women and their bodies. Women are not taught to celebrate and touch their bodies, and they may have feelings of shame and embarrassment toward their body. Therefore, they wait for a man to “know” their body and sexually please them. The concept of waiting for someone to please you when you don't know what makes your body feel pleasure is analogous to ordering an ice cream sundae and expecting to have the toppings you love most when you haven't told the server what your favorite toppings are. You may hate coconut, but you get it because it was on the menu.

No area is less understood than our breasts. We know men look at them, admire and fantasize about them, but we are confused about how sensual our breasts are. Most moms can tell you how breast feeding made them feel, how connected it made them to their baby, and the joy they experienced from being able to feed their infant. However, what we may not understand is how breasts alone can make or help us orgasm. We may think bigger is better, in regards to getting attention, but small breasts are actually more sensitive to touch. Sometimes, increasing breast size surgically can damage the feeling within the breast and leave you with big, numb breasts, limiting the sexual experience. Men are, for the most part, clueless in regards to where breasts are most sensitive unless women guide them. Men will automatically go to the nipple area, but actually many women report more sensitivity on the top, side and underside of the breast. Men would do well asking their partner before touching, licking, and kissing the breast in order to heighten their partner's pleasure. The sensitivity of the breasts is also influenced by the menstrual cycle.

During love making, according to Dr. Madeleine Castellanos, who is an assistant professor in the Psychiatry Department at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the breasts can increase in size as much as 25 to 30 percent when a woman becomes sexually aroused. Dr. Castellanos explained, “Oxytocin release is the reason breast stimulation feels so good.” This feel-good substance, also known as the “cuddle hormone,” is released when the breasts and nipples are stimulated. Oxytocin is also the reason the nipple becomes erect during excitement and stimulation, caused by contraction of smooth muscle underneath the skin of the areola, which pulls on the overlying skin creating a goose bump-like effect. When our partner is touching and loving our breasts in a manner that makes us release oxytocin, we want our partner more and we feel loved by our partner.

The Komen Society did a lot to teach women everywhere the importance of breast exams and knowing their breasts. Women not only need to know their breasts for health reasons in detecting abnormalities, but we need to know our breasts so we can understand and offer guidance to our partner as to what feels good. This enhances our intimacy and sex and helps us connect and enjoy our relationships. Below I offer 3 tips in getting to know your breasts. These can be done alone or with your partner.

1. For most women, starting out in the tub is the best place. A shower will work as well, but something about the bathtub relaxes us more. We are taking time out for us, so make sure you are with your loved one or totally uninterrupted from noise, kids, and other duties.
2. Sit back, listen to soothing music, enjoy the smell of a nice bubble bath and massage your breasts. Touch them and note where they are most sensitive. Many times, you will experience goose bumps where you feel extreme sensitivity.
3. During love making, keep your clothes on from the waist down. Have some luxurious body cream by the bed and make the next 20 minutes about massaging yours and your partner's chest area only. Love making is so much more than intercourse. Breast touching (experiment with a feather, as it offers such a nice feeling), loving (kissing feels wonderful on sensitive skin that is not usually exposed), and licking can be as intense as anything else you have ever done intimately. If you don't have a partner, simply massage your breasts while lying in a reclined position. This can be a wonderful way to love and take care of you.

Many couples that have been together for more than three years report sex as getting redundant, boring, and passionless. These same couples rarely know the treasures within each other. Each of us has over 117 erogenous zones. If you only know four or five then exploring the breasts will expose you to more, and your love making will be less than boring. Ladies, please keep in mind your man's breasts are also sensitive and should be equally explored.

“Today you are you! That is truer than true!

There is no one alive who is you-er than you!”

-Dr. Seuss

You have curly hair, but you want it straight; you spend hundreds at the salon to get that look. You are curvy, but you want to be stick thin; you spend thousands to achieve that look you want. You have brown eyes, but you want blue; you spend money for those colored contacts to achieve that look. You are getting older, and you want to be young; thousands are spent to achieve this look. Yet, at the end of the day, you are “you” and you cannot change that. We all want to be something we are not, and this feeling that we are less because we aren't what we picture is making us depressed, anxious, moody, and insecure. Men struggle with this thinking, but not nearly as much as women. Women are trapped by it. We can become obsessed with it. Not only are grown women trapped by it, but six year old girls are reporting that they want to be thinner or prettier.

When you ask someone what they notice about another person, most of the time you will hear things such as their energy, their interests, or their unique quirks or personality. Rarely will it be about how someone looks. When looks do come up, they are usually in the context of extremes. When you get close to someone, how they look becomes less and less important. This feeling of knowing someone well and no longer caring how they look does not generalize to ourselves. In fact, the longer women are in their bodies, the more critical they become. I work with men and women, and I have yet to hear two guys sitting together ripping their bodies apart. I don't have to go further than the first coffee shop to listen in on two women doing that. The conversation would look like this:

“My eyelashes are even falling out. I hate this.”

“My butt is falling into the legs of my jeans.”

All day, every day we have these kinds of conversations. Imagine what we could give others if we quit obsessing about our imperfections. The next generation of girls would be so much healthier if their moms were not as obsessed with their imperfections. Marriages would be so much healthier if women loved and felt confident in the bodies where their souls reside.

Insecurity is created whenever the focus is on how one looks, rather than who they are.

How this happened or how we obtained this ideal standard of beauty is complicated. Yes, the media plays a part, however, most of the editors of popular magazines are women. It is women, not men, promoting this ideal of the perfect body or look. In the United States, the majority of men are married to a woman who is 5'4'' and weighs 135 pounds. Who are we as women if we give men the power to decide what is “sexy” or “desirable” anyway? When I talk to men regarding this topic, they say they aren't looking for the perfect woman. They are looking for the woman who feels confident in her own skin. A man is attracted to a woman who likes herself, and what he is looking for is hard to find. Most women are too busy beating themselves up for their flaws to entertain the thought that they are sexy and desirable in their own right. It doesn't stop there. Women who aren't happy with themselves put pressure on their daughters to look the part they weren't able to achieve. Rather than promoting their daughter's interests, they focus on her looks. Insecure moms create insecure daughters.

The way out of this madness requires small steps in changing how you think about yourself as well as others. Below are a few tips to help getting started:

1. Notice the first thoughts you have when you meet someone new. If you begin thinking of how they look, stop yourself. Ask them what they do or what makes them happy.
2. When your friends meet and begin talking about their face lifts, sagging eyes, or yellow teeth, interrupt them and tell them something you admire about them.
3. If your parents told you in any way that you wouldn't be worthwhile if you didn't look good, remember that you most likely had insecure parents (no matter how they masked it).
4. Most of the time when women feel bad about themselves, it involves their body. There is nothing better for your body or mind than movement. It makes you feel more confident, too.
5. Purchase magazines that promote healthy living, not perfect faces or bodies. I work in the media, and I can promise you that when you see models or celebrities, they don't look like they do in the magazines. The magazines have perfect lighting, perfect clothing, perfect hair, perfect make-up and an ability to photo shop beyond your wildest dreams. They are NOT real.

In a book called “Journey of the Heart,” the author encourages us to “stop worrying people will find out the real you and begin hoping they will.” Open yourself so others can see the real you. When you are comfortable with yourself, you have more energy to give and love others. Giving your power to a magazine, TV show, movie, or a person to depict whether you are good enough is not only heart breaking, it's demeaning and abusive.

I went to two parties last night. I still have three tonight and one tomorrow night. I haven't decorated yet, and I need to because family is coming in over the weekend. I haven't even started shopping yet. The kids are coming in four days to bake cookies and pies. School plays and performances are coming up next weekend. These are the type of thoughts going around during the holidays. Many of my patients are struggling right now with their “to do” holiday list, and although they know the holiday season is suppose to be a time of joy and reflection, they don't have time for either.

If you are feeling like you can't find enough hours in the day to enjoy the holidays, maybe it's time to re-think and re-write your “to do” list. Maybe it's time to add you on that holiday list of things. It is impossible to enjoy the festivities if you are burnt out before they begin.

Suggestions for a new and improved “To-Do” list

1. Be realistic. We all enjoy beautiful table settings and perfect gift wrapping, but nothing is perfect. Expecting perfection is the leading cause of burn out. Make it your year to be good enough.
2. Let go of a task when you don't have time to complete it. If you find yourself behind in accomplishing one of your tasks during the holidays, let it go and jump ahead to the next task. Baking Christmas cookies is great fun, and everyone enjoys doing it. However…it's the talking and connecting while baking that makes it enjoyable. Buy the dough this year and connect while decorating. This saves time. No, they won't be as good, but the laughs and companionship make the memories, not the taste of cookies.
3. If you have difficult families coming in to visit, prepare short escapes. For example, plan ahead to meet up with your best friend for coffee and venting. This helps you feel less trapped, and you may find yourself more open to understanding your difficult family members.
4. Learn to say no. If there are too many parties and you begin feeling dread instead of excitement, you are spreading yourself too thin. Better to say no to a couple of parties and enjoy the ones you do attend.
5. If you feel lonely or isolated this time of year (many do so you aren't alone), make a point to begin a volunteer activity. There are so many great ways to give back this time of year and the greatest thing about giving back is you are surrounded by other “givers.” There is nothing more inspiring than to surround yourself with people who enjoy giving or doing for others.
6. Healthy habits are important all year long. This time of year they are paramount because most of us consume double our normal sugar foods during the holiday season. Take at least 20 minutes each day for “movement” (note I did not say exercise). You will feel better, think better and relieve your anxiety/depression.
7. Stay within your budget. There is nothing more depressing than the financial blues after the holidays. You can prevent this by staying within your means. The best gifts have one thing in common, the card you wrote that accompanied the gift. Most of my most precious gifts were not the gift itself. It was the note that accompanied it. The more transparent and real the note, the more likely it will be the BEST gift ever.
8. Each day make the holiday season representative of your life. Take one aspect of your life that you are most grateful for and do one small action that represents that. For example, list the things you are most grateful for. Tomorrow, if your partner is on that list, do one really special thing for that person. That may be as simple as picking up a coffee for them, making breakfast for them, or giving them a shoulder massage. You will feel so much better if you focus on what matters in your life instead of getting sucked in to what commercials tell you is important.
9. Whatever or whoever God is to you…keep his omnipotence in your festivities. Without God, the whole season seems very superficial and crazy to me.
10. The holiday season is a time of memories for almost everyone. If those memories are painful and you find yourself becoming depressed, then a visit to your doctor must be number one on your new and improved to-do list. Depression is not a weakness, it is an illness.

This is a beautiful and sacred time of the year, but it is you who adds the beauty and sacredness. Make sure you take the time this year to put “you” and what you value most into your holiday season. Your family and friends won't remember the razzle dazzle, but they will remember your smile, grace, and embrace long after the last decoration is packed away.

Moms are the backbone of our families, and if they are unable to stop their own anger and unable to say no, they risk a heightened risk of hypertension, diabetes, and raising children with a lowered sense of self. How does this happen? Moms who don't take time out for meditation, relaxation, and simple pampering routines become stressed with schedules, worries, and their relationships, which manifest in their health. These same moms forget the importance of exercise and begin to gain weight. This weight gain leads to diseases, such as diabetes and arthritis, which cripples their ability to exercise and participate further in life. Soon they become too tired to join her children at the park, or uncomfortable attending events with their husbands where people may notice their weight, and become depressed because they feel like they are no longer worthwhile.

We begin seeing the effects on children of mom's inability to say “no” because she is so busy saying "yes" to everyone else's demands that the only one hearing “no” is her child. Her children simply note that mom is no longer available to them. Children personalize everything and begin to think they are not worthy of mom's attention. This leads to the child's poor sense of self. Moms who are stressed with too much to do don't talk well about themselves either. The child is constantly hearing mom berate herself for her thunder thighs, big belly, etc...The child personalizes these statements too.

Tips for learning to say "NO" to everyone else and "yes" to you:

1. Practice meditation/prayer, or quiet time every day.
2. Take a 10 minute walk three times a day.
3. Before taking on a new task, ask yourself...who will this benefit? If you or your families are not on the list, say "NO." If you must add something to soften it, say "NO, I am taking time out for myself and my family."
4. Get pampered with something you like at least once a week.
5. Schedule a time when it is just you and your child...all phones and computers off.
6. Hug your partner at least once a day.
7. Have a chore chart and only do the chores you are listed to do. Appoint a manager of household chores (don't volunteer).

To raise healthier families, moms need to care for themselves and not feel guilty. Much of the conflict in a family is caused by undue stress mom feels about not having time for herself and her inability to say “No.” Dads can help by pitching in with chores and focusing on the marriage more. Moms who are in good marriages have a tendency to stress less and handle daily demands with healthier coping skills. The best ways to teach your children to manage stress well is to teach them by modeling appropriate self-care tips. Taking time out for you will help your child understand that giving back and nourishing our own body and spirit is as important as busying ourselves by taking care of others.

Cheating is destructive in any relationship. Men and women both cheat for varied reasons. Women seldom cheat for the physical reasons and almost always cheat due to emotional attachments. This makes sense as women are emotional beings. Most sex, as well as intimacy, happens in our minds long before it happens to us physically. We play all sorts of “scenarios” in our head of how making love to this person would be, and we entertain words we want to hear as well. Women look for different types of people to cheat with than men do.

A man may choose someone primarily on their looks or sex appeal. Women look at what the man does, how he behaves, as well as how emotional he can be with us. One of the primary reasons women cheat is because we feel that we aren't getting the attention we need or deserve from our partner. A woman gives up a lot of her power to her partner. This partner is responsible for making us feel desired, adored and loved. If this partner fails at displaying enough attention or reconfirming that we are most important, we become depressed and/or angry. We tell ourselves that we need to find someone else who will recognize our beauty and significance. This may put women in a position where an affair is likely.

There are other reasons that women cheat, including revenge, excitement, power, money, romance, falling in love or a difficult marriage (or relationship). When you look at all the reasons, it usually boils down to one very large and unavoidable issue. Having an affair has a lot to do with a low self-esteem. However, this reason won't stand up in the courts. Nor will it make your husband or partner any more forgiving. But, it is true.

Many of my female patients struggle with their self-esteem as well as their confidence. Some of the struggle is physical, including their body image, such as their feelings about their looks and their feelings of how those close to them feel about their looks. The struggle is also emotional. This includes their ability to feel educated, confident or worthy to their family and friends. When counseling a couple after the woman has cheated, the husband usually remarks, “I told you every day you were beautiful, so why did you do this to us?” She did it, because although he told her how beautiful she was, she couldn't believe it. She is a vase with a leak in it. No matter how much water he pours in, it will leak out. The vase has a leak, and in this marriage the wife has a leak that neither her husband nor anyone else can fill. She doesn't believe she is a worthwhile person.

Much of a counselor's job is trying to help the individual seal a leak. Childhood is where many of the leaks form. That's why we believe parenting is so vital. If you find yourself married to someone with a leak, or you personally feel like you have a leak, don't despair. There are ways to super glue your leak and feel whole again. I offer suggestions for you to begin today. Try to adapt them into your current lifestyle and also use them with parenting. The worst thing is not having a leak, but rather creating a leak in someone else.

Ways to glue a leak and maintain a healthy self-esteem:

1. Make a plan today to take better care of yourself.

   a. Go for a walk.

   b. Eat two more veggies today.

   c. Eat two more fruits today.

   d. Listen to your favorite music for 15 minutes.

2. Write someone a letter that has the truth in it. The raw, real truth about something that has been bothering you. Don't send it immediately, wait 24 hours.
3. Clean out one old drawer that you have been putting off.
4. Find one token of appreciation such as an award or where someone said something good about you. Get it out for display in your home.
5. Re-read thank you cards you have received. If you don't have any, do something nice for someone and you most likely will receive one.
6. Go to a prayer website and submit one prayer for yourself or someone else. God is big and He can handle many; you only need to submit one.
7. Do one simple wonderful thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it does have to be for you.

Living your life and never feeling fulfilled is a terrible way to live. In a marriage it may cause “tit for tat” behaviors, which can be a reason for cheating too. Begin today to fulfill yourself instead of expecting other people, friends or family to do it for you. Not getting what you needed as a child is unfortunate, but you are an adult now. It's time to add your own water.

I have a friend who constantly looks at herself in any and all mirrors. She is not conceited or even what I would call vain. In fact, this friend is one of my most beautiful friends but she doesn't see that in the mirror. She complains constantly of growing older, getting more saggy skin, and how she would like to have a surgeon give her a body lift and face lift. One day when she was looking at her reflection as we sat down to lunch I hinted that maybe she should quit her obsession with looking at mirrors. I suggested it may be the mirror that was the real culprit to her lack of confidence with her looks. She turned to me with her eyes wide as she took that in. She had never thought about this concept. Apparently she looked to the mirror as a constant valuator of all she detested about her looks. She turned to the mirror to make sure nothing had gotten worse than the last time she checked.

My friend regards “looks” like many women I know. Women know too much about the influence of their looks. We know from numerous studies that beauty determines much of our life. We understand that attractive children are more popular with classmates and teachers than unattractive children. We understand that in a court of law the more attractive you are the less guilty you may be found. In all areas of life the more attractive the person the more that same person is thought of as good, intelligent, and popular. We become obsessed with how we look. Women are also much more critical about who is and who is not attractive.
Men are much healthier than women in the assessment of their own attractiveness. Men look in a mirror and judge themselves as better looking than they actually are. Women look in the mirror and see the Ugly Step Mother. In fact, women who look in the mirror excessively are most likely not looking for vanity reasons, but due to insecurity. Where is this coming from, or why is it getting worse? We look to the media to project our blame. The media is no doubt part of the problem. They show thin women who are made up or digitally altered to look so beautiful that we can never match it in real life. Our standards of beauty have become narrower and much less flexible. Whenever you lose the flexibility in what is beautiful, and who is beautiful you create an image that everyone must try to fit into. Pictures of what is accepted as beautiful are on billboards, TV, Internet, and magazines. We see them so much we begin to think of these images as the norm. We, along with our families and friends, don't fit these images so we judge them and ourselves as inferior. We also become susceptible to what the ads are promoting, or commercials are saying in regards to how we can become beautiful. Weight loss ads, skin care commercials, and surgical enhancements are all part of this. The more critical we become regarding our looks the more vulnerable we become to these ads.

In a recent survey, 80% of women who were asked to rate themselves in a mirror did not like what they saw. That is a sobering 8 out of 10 women. Lesbian women and African American women were less harsh with their judgment. These two groups had a more flexible image of what determines beauty. The white Caucasian women were the most inflexible with their judgment. More than any other group, they seemed to have a definite concept of beauty and most of them could not measure up. Their main criticism was aimed at their bodies, especially their stomachs, hips, and thighs. Does this mean we are doomed to continue this cycle to our daughters for generations to come? If not, what can we do today to stop the body hate for the next generation?

1. Try to limit looking in the mirror to once or twice a day.
2. Watch your “self talk.” What you say to yourself becomes who you are, and what you say to yourself is what your children hear and will later say to themselves.
3. When you see a reflection of yourself, rather than judge it harshly, remind yourself that you actually look better than what you are thinking (I am borrowing from the men here).
4. Stop all weight loss diets and adopt a lifestyle that involves movement every day.
5. Focus on your relationships rather than your looks.
6. Getting a massage or pampering your body is a way to nurture it and does much more than an expensive face cream ever will.
7. To secure a relationship with your partner, put your focus on enjoying each other with intimacy and sex more than trying to look better (when you are connected with intimacy and sex, how you look becomes less important).
8. Stay away from magazines or websites that promote an inflexible standard of beauty.
9. Stay away from friends that focus on their outer beauty rather than what they can do to benefit other's lives.
10. Be honest with your partner if their behavior or words make you feel judged or unattractive. Most likely, they were insensitive to what they said and how it may have affected you.

Aging is difficult for everyone to some extent. Aging is especially difficult for women who have focused most of their attention on their looks rather than their interests. Begin today finding new interests, and ways you can give back and make someone else's life better. The best cure for insecurity with one's looks is having confidence that what you do is valued and needed by others. You don't have to be “HOT” or "ATTRACTIVE" to be a beautiful person.

The War of the Roses was a movie about angry couples who tried to punish each other with extreme and devious plots. I see a simplified version almost every day when counseling couples. We all get angry at our partner from time to time, and wish we could punish them in some way that would eliminate their annoying or hurtful behavior. The problem with punishing someone is it cannot be done rashly and is not wise to do when you are angry and upset. Punishment is most effective when it is a natural consequence. An example of that would be if your husband refuses to grocery shop when you are out of town or away on business. When you get home and want to cook up a feast (because you want to please him) and there is no food in the house rather than running to the grocery store yourself, you eat leftovers. Leftovers are easier for you and he will learn that if he wants a nice dinner he has to do his part of the meal preparation. You don't need to yell; you can talk it over and explain. The War of the Roses' version is you get into a huge fight and end up yelling at him with a knife in your hands as you are chopping vegetables. Not productive and not changing anyone's behavior. Or maybe you are separated and your spouse wants the kids for the weekend. You pack their overnight bags with the baggy clothes (to show you need more money) or you send your child to your spouse with only half of what they need. You aren't happy, your spouse isn't happy, and the child is caught in the middle. No one wins in this mess. Is this your relationship right now? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you let yourself go because your partner is constantly looking at other attractive people and mentioning your weight is a problem?
2. Do you drink too much because you just want to feel numb or you want your partner to know you don't care?
3. Are you having an affair because your partner doesn't pay attention to you or has cheated on you in the past?
4. Do you not get your hair, nails, or any other self care because you don't want your husband to know you care?
5. Have you given up on yourself because you want the other person to know how much their words have hurt you?
6. Do you use sex as a weapon or form of punishment?
7. Do you turn to the children to have an emotional relationship because you are angry with their other parent?

There are many forms of punishing someone you love, but remember that they hurt your own self too. If, when you punish someone, it harms you or is unhealthy for your marriage and family, then I encourage you to engage in different behaviors.

Three effective behaviors to use instead of punishment:

1. Talk to your spouse. If you are angry, wait until you calm down. Write down what the problem is because that helps keep it clearer in your mind. It also takes the emotions out of it and you have less of a tendency to act irrationally. For example: “I am hurt that you left and we cannot work out our marriage. I don't think it is good for the children and every time I send them to you it is a sign that I failed.” This may be true or false, but if you feel it then it is honest and needs to be said rather than acted out.
2. Be flexible. Things don't always go our way. Sometimes your mate cannot do a chore (going to the grocery store) because they had to prioritize other things. If you are rigid or close-minded in your thinking, you will have a difficult time being married. Life is not black and white and sometimes the best intentions go undone.
3. Never forget your children are watching you. Did you know that bullies watch their adult parents punish each other? They know how to punish and many times they practice what they watch on someone they see as weaker than themselves. Wouldn't you rather have your child watch you forgive and accept your partner's faults?
4. Tone of voice and lack of affection may hurt your partner, but it can kill you. Studies support that anger, tone of voice, being hurt and not feeling or giving affection are traumatic to the heart. Yet, when we get angry or hurt these are the first weapons we use. We withdraw affection, intimacy, sex or use a harsh voice. How long do you need to punish someone with these tactics? The longer you use them, the more they will hurt you. Your partner may or may not feel punished.
5. Self-care is vital to your existence. When you stop taking care of yourself the ONLY person you are hurting is yourself. You are telling yourself that you are not a worthwhile, loveable person, and your children are watching. Children personalize what their parents say, not only by their words, but what they see their parents doing. Not taking care of you, whether it involves drinking, drugs, or becoming obese, are all ways people try to get back or punish someone. Many times anger and rebellion are underneath these behaviors. Your behavior may make your partner feel guilt, shame, or sadness, but what is it doing to you?

Most marriages would be healthier if they quit trying to punish each other and began to focus on trying to understand. Work with each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses. We all feel the need to punish our partners at some time. However, trying to punish someone else is missing the point. Instead, focus on caring for yourself when you are hurt by someone. Let go of the hurt and treat yourself to something that will make you feel cared for and special. Buy yourself flowers, or take a walk in a garden. Look at beauty, sketch, get your nails done, or meet a friend for coffee and a chat. The feelings of needing to punish someone will dissipate, and you will be more ready to talk after you have filled yourself up by doing something positive.

I work at the Methodist Weight Management program. It is not uncommon for women to tell me they became morbidly obese after they got married. In fact many women will recite that they were thin until the birth of their first baby. They are frustrated and do not understand what happened. Many of these women feel guilty because they believe it is the way they eat or not enough exercise. Certainly behavior changes do contribute to weight gain, but maybe it has more to do with the couple and what they are doing together that leads to weight gain for the wife?

Annette J. Dobson, a professor of biostatistics at the University of Queensland in Australia reported that adjusting for other variables on average a woman who weighs 140 pounds who has a partner whether she lives with him or is married to him gains up to 20lbs in ten years if she has a baby, 15 pounds if there is no baby and no partner she gains only 11 pounds.  The number of women with a baby but no partner was too small of a sample size to draw statistically significant conclusions (link to the NY Times Article).

Scientists cannot come up with a reason to believe that having a partner would cause metabolic changes so they are lead to believe that the weight gain among the childless women with partners must be caused by behavioral changes. The weight gain seemed to be steady during the whole 10 year study so whatever behaviors they were changing just kept getting more constant.

This study was done with 6,000 Australian women over a ten year period which ended in 2006. It was difficult studying such a large group over that period of time. By the end of the study more than half of the women had college degrees and about three quarters had partners and half had had at least one baby. Almost all the weight gain happened with the first baby, while subsequent births had little effect. Also by the end of the study there were fewer smokers and risky drinkers than at the beginning. There were fewer women exercising and less of them were working outside the home. But even after adjusting for all of these factors and more, the difference in weight gain among women with and without babies and among women with and without partners remained. This study included only women but the researchers cited one earlier study that showed an increase in obesity among men who had children, adding evidence that behavior changes occur to both partners. Healthy and unhealthy lifestyles affect both men and women.

How to prevent or minimize weight gain as a couple:

1. Get into an exercise program and do it every day (consistency is the key). Don’t focus on the amount of time; try to take mini intense workouts. Walking very fast for 10 minutes is better than walking slow for 20. No time to exercise? Fit walking in whenever you can.
2. When you go out to eat, watch portions. If your husband weighs 200 pounds and is 6 feet and you are 5 feet 2 inches and weigh 140 you should not be eating the same amount of food he does. Cut down half of the portion the restaurant brings you.
3. As much as possible do not eat after 7 p.m. in the evening.
4. Have sex frequently. I don’t know why it works, but it does for burning calories. It also will help with your body image which will help you control your appetite.
5. Pamper yourself with things other than food. Most of what I do at my job is to teach people alternative behaviors to relieve stress that don’t include food.

As couples become comfortable in a relationship they may develop the attitude that they don’t need to stay slim anymore. This is not only untrue but it is dangerous. Most diseases are worsened or precipitated by weight gain. Instead of using food as a measure of comfort couples would be wise to use a new measure such as hugs, snuggling, or massages. In the New Year make it a goal to find a new activity you can do as a couple that doesn’t involve eating.