When a relationship goes bad the couple is unhappy, fighting and wanting out. The thought of going to therapy for couples work is overwhelming to many, and a financial strain to most. The couple has the feeling that it is hopeless, and no matter what they try it is met with disdain, criticism, and withdrawal. More commonly, when couples do seek therapy before it gets better it may get worse. Coming to terms with all of the issues from 5, 10 or 20 years of marriage is heart wrenching, and leaves both partners tired and discouraged.

Prior to therapy there are things the couple can do if only they knew how and what. The premise I believe to be the most helpful for couples in this “space” is a very simple one. It is to practice the importance of committing small, simple loving gestures each day. This is backed up by previous research on the subject. I don’t ask my couples to do loving gestures all day; I ask them to take 15 minutes each day and fill that time with simple loving thoughts and actions. It’s not the incredibly expensive diamonds, trips or cars that make your partner fall in love and begin to communicate openly with you. It’s the smallest actions of love that provide the biggest impact.

Suzanne Bartle-Haring, Ph.D., from Ohio State University, studied thousands of couples, and concluded that the key to maintaining and improving relationships for everyone was a simple 15 minutes a day. It made no difference whether that 15 minutes was an action of spending time together over coffee, or taking the time to call at lunch time and visit with your partner…the 15 minutes stood firm with improving the couple’s feelings toward one another.

When I suggest this treatment to couples they do feel the immediate impact of what 15 minutes does for them within a week’s time (if both of them are willing to commit to engaging in the 15 minutes). However, the key is not to stop. For some reason after a month or so, couples become complacent again, almost lazy with the fact that they are feeling more in love again, and they begin to grow lax with keeping their 15 minutes going. Of course, if you don’t continue, the marriage or relationship will back slide, because just as you need to be fed each day, you need the emotional connection with your partner each day. One tip to also remember is 15 minutes can generalize to your children too. The latest report I read about parental engagement found that teens usually get less than 10 minutes each day of parental engagement. If you are a parent, it would be wise to give your child 15 minutes as well as 15 minutes to your partner. That time could not be better spent in any other endeavor. 

Free ideas to think about if you want to take a 15 minute break with your partner or offer a small gesture of love:

1. Take time to meet up and go to a park, garden, museum, or art gallery.  The sculpture garden in Houston is gorgeous, and completely free. A great meet-up place. These are free outings and they calm you so you can restore communication.
2. Put a sticky note in your partner’s purse or brief case with a quote or romantic saying.
3. Try to come up with only one spontaneous gesture of affection a day such as a hug, kiss, or holding hands (this should extend to the kids). Humans need to be touched by the people they love most.
4. Differences are good, so it’s important to learn what your spouse is interested in and show interest. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, you can talk about your partner’s interests.
5. A great way to share 15 minutes with your children is family dinner or having a family game night (any board game is great).

The busier we all become, the more important it is that you actually schedule in “partner time.” You don’t have to spend money to improve your relationships, but you do need to spend time.

People who are unhappy with themselves and afraid of being alone are alone even if they are married. Due to their fear of being alone they make poor decisions and most of the time decisions are made from a feeling of desperation. Childhood abuse or chaotic family situations can cause a child grief and self loathing. This does not go away. They choose a partner that represents how they feel about themselves. Part of the reason parenting is so important is because you are giving your child not only a loving environment to grow up in, but also you are helping form their relationships as an adult for years to come.

One of the more common predicaments I see with couples therapy is one of the partners has fallen out of love, but is afraid to leave because they don’t want to be alone.  Due to their fear and lost connection with their spouse they reach for another person to comfort them. This threesome usually leads to the demise of the couple’s marriage, and the children involved carry that legacy on. People who tell me they no longer love their spouse, but have found a friend or perfect partner in someone else are people who don’t love themselves. In truth, the person who is married but seeking another for comfort and connection doesn’t love anyone. They are correct when they say they no longer love their spouse; they may never have loved their spouse. You cannot love someone when you don’t like yourself, because you attract someone who loves you at the level you are at. What is difficult for them to see is when you are unhappy and attract a new friend or lover, when you are at perhaps your lowest level of self-esteem. This is not a good time to be choosing partners and very rarely do you make a wise choice. When you love someone, you want to protect them and therefore you would never put them in the middle of a triangle that you constructed. The only person protected in the triangle is you, and that will only be a short time, because the chances are high that both your spouse and lover will leave you once they find out what happened.  This question came to me last week after a Fox 26 segment. This was so apparent and real from the question, that I had to answer the viewer frankly. This viewer was so clouded by the triangle they had constructed that they could no longer see.

Dear Mary Jo,
I was watching Fox TV 26 this morning and it was like you were talking to me. I'm in a marriage that I don't want to be in, but I'm scared to be alone. I have a friend on the side that doesn't understand why I stay and loves me as well. I'm stuck in a relationship that I don't want, and in love with someone who I'm scared might leave me. Thank you! P.T.

Dear PT, Thank you for your honest letter, and I hope this letter will help encourage you, but more importantly, I hope it will motivate you to make changes within yourself. I don’t know your spouse or your friend, but based on your letter I do know you are going to end up alone. You already are, which is why you are seeking solace with another person who does not have your best interest at heart. The reason I can say this with confidence is because it is clear to me that you don’t know or love yourself. You are making unwise decisions due to your fear of being alone and facing your pain. You most likely will not have a healthy marriage or relationship until you become clear of what you are running from. What frightens you so much about being alone? I am going to offer suggestions that I think would be wise for you to get started on before you make decisions regarding your marriage.

1. You need to begin counseling on your own so you can get stronger within yourself. You won’t do what you need to do unless you have professional support.
2. You need to tell your friend the truth that you are only thinking of yourself right now. That you are not in a position of loving yourself let alone another person. Tell your friend as honestly as you can that you have been using them as a way to not be alone. Saying this aloud will help empower you.
3. 3.     Most likely, you are projecting a savior image on to your friend, and this is not reality. Your friend is waiting around because they are at your level of self love. Two halves can never create a whole in relationships. It takes two whole people to create a healthy relationship.
4. If your spouse is abusive, then you must leave. That includes emotional, sexual or physical abuse. If they are not abusive then you should go to them, and tell them you are unhappy in your life. Tell them you need to work on you, and the stronger you become the more the marriage will change. Ask them how they feel about this. Ask them if they are happy. Ask them if they want a more connected, loving marriage. You need to begin talking to your spouse. Don’t blame them for your unhappiness, but let them know you are tired of being unhappy and want to change.
5. You need to take responsibility for your situation because it is your fear that is keeping you there. You have the power to change that if you take ownership of it. Part of taking ownership is going to the doctor if you are depressed and being assessed so they can give you the proper treatment. Many people in triangles are also depressed. 

Fear and love rule the world and relationships. When your fear being alone, and facing your own demons keeps you locked in an unhealthy relationship, it is time to face your demons and work through the pain. Happiness is waiting for you, but it’s inside you. No person can make us happy if we are afraid of being alone. That isn’t love, that’s fear.

When someone we love leaves or walks out the door our immediate reaction may be one of hysterics, deep sadness, relief, and sometimes, even jubilation. These feelings eventually dissipate and new feelings take their place. The feelings that replace the initial feelings are more intense, and stored deep within our brain, skin and sense of smell. They are our memory of the person who left.

Forget trying to distract yourself from these memories, because it won’t work. It may provide a temporary reprieve or chance to act happy when you really don’t feel happy, but the memories will meet up with you again as soon as you are alone and vulnerable. The only cure is to feel and experience these memories and re-live them again and again. Time, and time alone, will fade the memories, but if you just lost the person you love most, time is a cruel healer. Time takes time, and the pain is now and intense.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to witness is that even though this person was everything to you, they aren’t everything to others. Life goes on, and your world will keep turning, barely missing a beat. Your loss won’t stop anything, and even though you may feel bewildered wondering how everyone else can go on as if nothing happened, they will. You will be the only one feeling as if you lost a part of yourself when you are going through this.

You cannot bring someone back who is gone, but you can embrace the memory instead of trying to resist it. Here are suggestions that can help you or help you help another who is struggling with letting go and memories. Before you begin to try and help, it is important to recognize the universal feelings we all feel after someone we love leaves.

1. Anger. Men may exhibit more anger than women, but both usually feel some degree of it. The anger is usually directed at someone else, or something, but most likely they will assume some of the fault and may direct it at themselves.
2. Non-stop crying is common more so for women than guys…but guys will usually be more irritable and easily frustrated. Both are struggling with what they feel.
3. Numbness sets in and it is a coping mechanism. It allows both men and women to get through the day.
4. “What ifs” take over. Both men and women play the relationship over and over in their heads. This actually is part of the healing of grief, so it is important.
5. Medicating the pain. Men usually gravitate toward alcohol or women to medicate or comfort the pain of losing someone. Women usually turn to other women, and food for comfort.

If someone you love is going through the pain of losing someone they love, the single best thing you can do is to listen. Listening restores balance, helps them feel connected, and really does help the grieving person move on. Here are a few more helpful suggestions.

1. Take care of yourself.  Whether you are the one going through grief or you are helping someone who is grieving, it takes an emotional toll on you. Make sure you set time aside to care for you and your needs. Going through the motions of getting a massage or going to church helps restore balance and the numbness begins to dissipate. If you are a friend of the griever, self care provides nurturance. You won’t be able to support your friend if you lose yourself.
2. If you are the friend of the griever, know when your friend is in need of professional help. If your friend becomes debilitated by their grief: not able to get out of bed, choosing unhealthy coping mechanisms, becoming increasingly isolated, or talking about suicide, you should seek emergency help.
3. As much as you can, encourage your friend to attend social gatherings of family and friends. Other people who care about you and/or your friend, can provide a source of comfort and help support you while you are supporting your friend.

When you lose someone you love, you are fragile, and need time to reflect, and re-live those memories. If you have a good friend who will experience the loss with you, the healing stage can be less tragic, but no matter who is there to help or not, it takes a long time to get over the memories. I work with people who have suffered severe losses and the one thing it has taught me time and time again, is that most of the time sad memories fade, but never disappear.

I had just turned off the evening news and was on my way to the kitchen to begin dinner when Lizzie ran up to me, grabbed my waist and with very serious eyes, looked up to me and asked me this question, “Mommy, what if Santa can’t afford Christmas this year?” Lizzie had been in earshot of the evening news and no doubt heard enough of the financial woes and was concerned. I hesitated, not wanting to scare her, but also not wanting to lie to her. Her father and I had expressed concern about bills, the holidays, and taxes--all of which may have contributed to Lizzie’s question and concern. I wasn’t sure what a 7-year-old should be told, but since I had always prided myself in open discussion, I decided to take the time and talk with Lizzie in an effort to answer her question.

You don’t have to be a news buff to be aware that times are tough right now. Protests are happening in every country including our own, news of banks making money but still charging a checking fee for customers, and political fights between politicians ranting and raving depending on where their support dollars are coming from. It’s crazy, and on a more basic level, every household is trying to re-budget and pay back debt. Many of those households are full of children with holiday wish lists longer than your credit card receipts. Parents with children such as Lizzie will be more effective at teaching their children the true meaning of the holidays, the depth of family love, and mentoring responsible spending if they take these sorts of questions seriously. Lizzie asked a serious question in her 7-year-old mind. Here are five important tips that can be used again and again as the holidays grow closer.

1.     Santa has nothing to do with money. Santa is about feeling loved and cared for. The toy you love most and that will make you feel most loved, is the one Santa will try his best to get. It is important that as a parent, you help guide your child with gift requests. If you know your child wants a $100 toy, and you can only afford $50, then suggest another toy that would make your child feel just as loved. Don’t do this in a critical manner, but in a loving, supportive manner. Something such as this, “I know you want that toy, but that is so much money for one toy. What other toy could you get that would make you feel just as loved?” If you do this with a loving tone of voice, you are teaching compassion, understanding, and problem solving.

2.     Reassure your child that adults like the spirit of the holidays too, and they are not going to let a Christmas go by--no matter how poor they are--without celebrating. No matter who you are, you should make every effort to celebrate holidays with your child. No matter what holiday you celebrate, children learn from the ritual and the spiritual concepts that surround the holidays.

3.     Make the focus of the holidays on friends and family. Look at “wish lists” but also promote thinking of others. Children are very egocentric at young ages; that means it’s more important for parents not to be. Children who turn into generous, compassionate, and loving adults were nurtured by loving, compassionate and generous parents. You don’t have to be wealthy to be generous, loving and compassionate. In fact, many times the two are negatively correlated. This may include sorting out good but used toys or books that are no longer age appropriate, and going with your child to donate them to a children’s hospital or shelter where these might be greatly appreciated.

4.     Parents need to set a budget for gifts and stick to it. The best gifts of all are the ones that cost the least, but speak the loudest of love and caring. Last year, a friend of mine bought me three pairs of running socks (I am a runner. I use these every single day). Inside the toe of each sock, she rolled up a slip of paper that had a quote of something I had said to her that meant the most throughout the year. Six quotes…so meaningful. It was my FAVORITE gift. The idea of giving a gift is thinking of what the person would like, or letting them know how they touched your life.

5.     Let Lizzie know frequently, and any other child, that the economic crisis may mean everyone has less, but it will never take away their family. Santa may not be giving out as many gifts, but that’s okay because you have the best gift of all with one another. Children (and parents) who are reassured that their family is strong and loving can endure this and anything else.

To be honest, Lizzie, you may not get the biggest, most expensive toy this year, but the holidays will have more love than last year because the bigger you get, the more loving you become, and the more grateful I am to be your parent.

I watched 20/20 last night with millions of others to see the aftermath of destruction that followed the scandal Bernie Madoff put in motion. The story depicted the results of greed, deception, narcissism, and destruction when you value money more than anything else. Closer to home, with the current economic situation, loss of jobs, loss of income, and loss of respect from a business you have worked for most of your life, it’s tough to find a balance. When does “stuff” become too much? How much do we need to survive happily as a family? When couples struggle financially, we also see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups, and chaos. It’s difficult to show love toward your partner if you are worried about paying your cell phone bill, car payment and house note. However, research in this area is finding that materialistic people have unhappier marriages than couples who don’t care much about possessions. This holds true across all levels of income, according to Jason Carroll, who is a Professor of family life at Brigham Young University. Dr. Carroll goes on to say that if you are materialistic, you will have a happier marriage if you find someone who isn’t. Two like-minded materialistic people suffered the least satisfying of marriages.

Dr. Carroll and his colleagues have been studying materialism and marriage and have uncovered information about the effect of money on marriage. The more materialistic you are, the more you suffer anxiety, depression, and insecurity than non-materialistic types. The more you value money, the more troubles you suffer at home, because work usually comes first, and after work is done, people have left you and moved on. Your intimate relationships many times no longer exist. 

The research was done through the RELATE Institute which is a respected national research non-profit organization. In this case, they studied 1,734 married couples and collected online questionnaires from them.  Across the board, the marriages with at least one materialistic spouse were worse off on all measures than marriages where neither spouse was materialistic. It had nothing to do with gender of the spouse; the non-materialistic couples were 10 to 15% better off in the categories studied (marital satisfaction, marriage stability, and lower levels of conflict). The study couldn’t test how materialism erodes a marriage, but Dr. Carroll and his team have a couple of theories.

1.     Materialism causes spouses to make bad financial decisions such as spending beyond their means, which puts them in debt and stresses the marriage.

2.     People who are materialistic are working more to “get things.” They forget, don’t value, or run out of time in a day to nurture their relationships.

Only married people were included in this study, but Dr. Carroll and his team believe the pattern is similar in couples who are cohabitating or long time partners. So, what do we do when we want nice things, or need to make the payments on the nice things we already have? How do we value our partner, but still work hard enough to make our payments, live in a nice neighborhood, send our kids to nice schools, and splurge on a special gift for the holidays? These 5 tips may help.

1.     No matter how hard you work, if you communicate with your spouse each day, letting them know something as simple as, “I am thinking about you,” you will be nurturing your relationship.

2.     Balance is everything. At times that is difficult and unattainable. When you know in advance that work will be consuming a lot of your time, tell your partner in advance so they can mentally prepare. Take them to dinner or spend extra time with them prior to the week or month that you need to focus on work. Remind them by saying something such as, “I am glad we have this time together, because next week (or next month) is going to be very demanding at work.” This tells your partner they are more important to you than money.

3.     Have a family day. One day a week is sacred to families. Shut all communication off on that day. Program that day into your Blackberry, iPhone or whatever device you have so you won’t schedule business.

4.     Children, wives and husbands all like nice things, but they love you. Their love is a gift, not something you will get paid for.  No amount of money or nice things you can ever acquire will replace this love.

5.     As a family, it’s nice to have a charity to which you give every year. Let the kids be part of planning which charity means the most to them. Teaching your children early to value life rather than material is very important.

Dr. Phil once said that “If you marry for money, you earn every bit of it.” What he didn’t say that is equally true is that your family for generations to come will earn it too.  We all like nice things, but when they are valued more than our loved ones, it becomes a downhill ride, and you usually end up at the bottom alone.

Couples fall in love and say they cannot imagine their life without the other. Love is a deep connection, and anyone who has fallen in love understands that you can love someone even when you don’t always like them. Your partner can begin to annoy you or you begin to see parts of them you don’t like. You may not like the way they gossip with their friends, or you may be turned off by the way they act arrogant around your parents. Whatever the reason, it happens to many of us. Sometimes it is feeling negative about ourselves that makes us dislike our partner, but more likely it has to do with a change we begin seeing in our partner that we hadn’t noticed before. Our partner seems to change before our eyes in a way we never thought possible. All of a sudden, we are married and in love with a person we cannot stand.

Long before falling out of “like” with your partner, you may have been putting less effort into the relationship. Perhaps you focused on the kids, your career, or a sick parent, expecting your partner to stay the same loving person while you were preoccupied with another project. This is a fallacy of thinking, because all relationships require time and care. Women or men who begin seeking someone else or filling their emotional space with their kids or career are basically replacing a space once fulfilled by their spouse. The spouse then begins to resent the loss of this space and attention. They start to see many faults in their partner that were once overlooked due to their feelings of love. All of a sudden, the spouse may begin to wonder why they are with this person they no longer like. Growing out of like with your partner is a much better predictor of divorce than falling out of love with them. Many divorced couples will tell me, “We still love each other, but we don’t like each other anymore.”

Couples often fall out of like with one another when they are not aware of the warning signs. When couples get busy with life, they might start taking each other for granted and they aren’t aware of the changes going on between the two of them. Here are three warning signs that happen prior to falling out of like with your partner. If you notice these, it would be wise to schedule a date night and talk about the changes you are seeing. Then have a plan of action that the two of you come up with to get the relationship back on track.

The BIG three:

1.     One of the partners finds it increasingly difficult to spend time with you. If your spouse begins getting very busy with work and it begins taking time away from the two of you, it is wise to discuss this. Establishing boundaries with work and your marriage is one of the most important things the couple should establish within the first two years of marriage. Ignoring this leads to resentment of one of the partners and, ultimately, falling out of like with your partner. Maintaining balance in a marriage might mean the couple has to expect one of the partners to work longer hours. Discussing this openly and planning your time together despite the work load has to take precedence.

2.     Decreasing touch. When partners are really engaged and like each other, they also enjoy holding hands and touching one another. If this suddenly changes and you can no longer sit next to your partner and expect them to reach out for you, there is a problem. Talk about this, voice your concern, or quietly begin holding their hand or caressing their shoulders when you are near them.

3.     Sex diminishes. When couples are in love and like one another, they enjoy sex with one another. If you notice your partner no longer wants to have sex or be intimate with you, it is a warning sign that they are no longer engaged or want to be near you. Women who berate their husbands for wanting sex frequently would be wise to understand that intimacy and sex for men is a form of communication that expresses their love and allows them to feel loved in return. Rejecting sex with your man is analogous to him not finding you interesting enough to talk to. Wanting sex for him is the same as you wanting conversation. Neither is better or worse, right or wrong. They are both healthy forms of expression for intimacy.

Liking your partner for life takes more work and action than loving them for life, but it is also the foundation for a strong marriage. I have never seen a couple who are happily married who don’t like one another. However, I have seen many divorces where the couple still loves one another, but no longer liked each other. Be engaged, stay aware of your partner’s self growth, and make sure at the end of the day you still like the person you share your bed with.

“It takes a really big man to love a really big scar” –Carly Simon

I worked for nine years in Lubbock, Texas as an intimacy and sex counselor for cancer patients. They taught me more than any textbook or class. I celebrated their success with them, prayed for their healing with them, and sat by their bedside with their loved one when they took their last breaths. Many people would call that a depressing job, but I never lived as fully as when I worked with this population.

One of the many things I learned was that when you have a chronic illness such as cancer, MS or depression your relationships have to change. Intimacy and sex with your partner have to be discussed openly along with emotions such as fear, anger, guilt, and confusion. Sharing these feelings and concerns with your partner can actually make you closer to your partner than ever before. Infertility, impotence, a colostomy bag, the loss of a breast and not being able to feel or move your legs will contribute to feelings of being only half a person. The scars of the disease on the outside are many times minor compared to the scars left inside. It takes a loving partner to understand that illness is a temporary detour where adjustments need to be made in the way you express your love. Completely withdrawing love or affection can lead to depression or feelings of hopelessness.

Couples need to be more educated on how to express their intimacy and love when their partner becomes ill. Sex is never something that should be avoided among couples, healthy or not. All humans enjoy and need intimacy to feel healthy and loved. These feelings help overcome the obstacles that chronic illness often inflicts. Below are suggestions for couples who suffer from chronic illness in their relationship. My intention is to help you get started. As you become more confident in your ability to express your feelings of love to your partner, I encourage you to seek continued counseling with a therapist of your choice.

1.     Share the diagnosis.  This simply means that you talk to your spouse and tell them that you are a team. Anything that affects their wellbeing will affect yours. This makes the “patient” (your spouse) feel loved and more confident with being able to endure their illness. It also provides an opportunity for you to help with routine care that may be necessary during this time.  

2.     Intimacy takes only minutes. Rather than thinking about a vacation or getaway, take advantage of “mini vacations.” These are moments that you can be close by holding hands, watching a funny movie, cuddling on the sofa, listening to old songs together or talking to one another. Many times, these are “miracle moments” that life’s busy pace robbed from you prior to the illness.

3.     Rediscover the joys of “petting.” With chronic illness, skin sensations change. Chemotherapy, for example, can heighten sensitivity of the skin, whereas M.S. can deaden it. Learning to touch one another again without a goal and talking about how that feels can make you feel like a kid again. In a sense, chronic illness makes anyone who endures it an unfamiliar person. Take time to rediscover and allow your partner to set the pace.

4.     Start in the tub or shower. Most of us are comfortable in warm water as it relaxes us and takes some of our pain away. Sitting in the tub with the one you love is an opportunity to relax, look at each other’s face, and talk. Washing each other’s back or feet is also a wonderful way to express your love and intimacy to your partner. Many times, it is the intimate setting of a bath where partners are permitted to see and touch the scar. Your reaction will mean everything, and the best reaction is to thank your partner for showing you and reassure them that their scar makes you love them more.

5.     Medicate before having sex.  When couples want to share intimacy and sex, it is important that it is planned. This is necessary because pain is often part of a chronic illness. No one feels sexy when they are in pain so planning your medication at least one hour prior to engaging in sex, will help to insure your comfort and ability to enjoy the expression of intimacy.

The loss of a breast, body part, or one’s mobility is symbolic of a loss of their independence and sometimes their identity. The partner has so much influence at this time. In fact, the partner is often the one who is able to influence how their spouse handles their chronic illness the most. No one wants their partner to suffer from chronic illness, but if they do, remind yourself that you and you alone may provide the emotional healing your partner needs to reclaim their sexual and intimate self.