The loneliest most of us ever feel is when we are with someone we don’t care for. A bad date or a bad marriage can make us feel so alone and unloved. Many people go out with people they don’t like to avoid being alone for special holidays, and New Year’s Eve is one of those times. Who wants to be home alone on New Year’s Eve? It’s the one night you are supposed to go out, have romance and bring in the New Year with a kiss of passion and goodwill.  I spent one New Year’s Eve with a guy I basically couldn’t stand. I don’t know why I accepted his proposal. He wasn’t even a good kisser and I had experienced his kisses enough to know that. It was miserable for me, and most likely, it wasn’t much fun for him either.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to be alone is because I didn’t understand how wonderful I could make that evening for myself. Many women and men date all sorts of people and go to terrible parties to avoid what I later learned can be a great evening. If you are going to be alone this New Year’s Eve begin now to make it special.

Tips on making your New Year’s Eve alone special:

1. Call an old friend who is too far away to be with. Spend some time talking on the phone, watching New Year's Eve specials together, and reminisce on the year gone by and discuss what's ahead. If your friend is going out at night, it’s okay to call her/him early in the day. Sometimes the voice brings back memories better than writing, so calling actually makes you feel closer and less alone.

2. Plan a nice meal for yourself. Most of the time we plan dinner for two when we want to impress someone. How about impressing you? If you don’t cook, make plans at a special restaurant you have always wanted to try. Go early to avoid long lines. Take a book or something to read if you are worried about eating alone. Many times when you are alone, people are less intimidated and will be more likely to start up a conversation with you. Don’t forget that a really good glass of wine can be a nice way to enjoy your dinner. Splurge on yourself.

3. Before New Year’s Eve, invest in a new hobby to begin New Year’s Eve. Maybe a new book, or a lesson guide for playing the guitar, or learning a language. New Year’s Eve is a good time to think about an area you would like to develop more in the future. Finding a book about fitness or nutrition is a wonderful way to begin the New Year. When we exercise and eat better we have more confidence, and when we have more confidence we appreciate ourselves more.

4. Consider exploring new websites after dinner. Get online, look at funny U-Tubes or other sites you have been meaning to explore. Although it may be 10 p.m. in your time zone, it may be midnight somewhere else. Consider being the first to tell others “Happy New Year.” Get online.

5. If you cannot stand to be alone, consider hosting a party for everyone you know who is single. When you have others around who have a lifestyle you share, it is much easier to feel connected. Good friends are always a better option than being with someone who bores you or doesn’t respect you. Just remember, if they drink (and most of our friends do), they may need to spend the night. Friends don’t let friends drive intoxicated. Period!  

6.  Take a hot bath with good smelling bubbles.  Enjoy soft lighting, a glass of champagne and good music.  You don’t need to be with someone else to relax and feel good about your own body. While relaxing in the water remind yourself how fortunate you have been and be thankful. Begin to imagine your new year. Thank your body for all it has done for you this year.

7.  If being alone this year for New Year’s Eve is too scary, try a getaway. Plan a vacation. Go somewhere you have always wanted to go and explore it fully. Getting away distracts you from not having someone to share the evening with. It also is a good way to learn more about yourself and others!

The best relationships always begin with the relationship we have with ourselves. New Year’s Eve is the perfect evening to begin exploring and celebrating ourselves. You don’t need another person to symbolize you are okay or desirable. In fact, the most desirable people I know are the ones who know how to celebrate themselves from time to time. You will be one of the few who wakes up January 1, 2012 feeling invigorated and inspired; grateful you didn’t settle under pressure on New Years Eve. 

The loneliest feeling does not come from being single. It is being married or living with someone, but feeling alone. This happens when one of the partners checks out or leaves the relationship emotionally but eats there, does their laundry there and sleeps there. For all other purposes though, you are without a partner. This happens to couples who live together as well as couples who date and marry. That means, many couples live with someone, but are alone. Many times a crisis of some type precipitates one of the partners leaving emotionally, but sometimes it just happens. You will notice your partner no longer values your judgment. You may notice your partner no longer listens to you, talks to you, or wants to engage with you.

When couples first begin feeling lonely in a relationship, they don’t automatically get help. They usually try to understand what is going on in their partner’s life. They may ask, “You okay?” “What’s the matter?” Those questions are usually answered by, “Oh, just work,” or, “I’m just tired.” Sometimes the partner will come back with, “Nothing I say is good enough, and you fight me on everything.” When this happens, the partner who asked the question begins feeling even more alone and more stuck in their loneliness. They may reach out to their friends, their family, or begin reading self help books. Their friends may advise them to leave, validating that their partner is cruel, insecure, having an affair, or all of the other things friends try to do to make one feel better. The bottom line is, you are in a bad position. You are committed to someone and very much alone.

When children are involved, many couples that have great distance in their marriage focus on the kids. This is not good for the children and certainly not good for the couples. The children may get an exaggerated idea of how important they are to the relationship’s survival and will share the sense of loss at an exaggerated level if the relationship fails.  A marriage must always be stronger and tighter than any children you bring into it, or it has a greater chance of failure when the kids are gone.

The amount of distance in a relationship is determined by the couple and the style they develop. Many of us like more distance between ourselves and others, and this is reflected in how we relate. Just as some people are very private and others extremely open, some couples cannot go to the grocery store without the other and some travel across the world without each other. It’s a personal preference, neither is right or wrong. Feeling alone is much different than actually being alone. Feeling alone means the communication is broken. Your spouse may be in Africa and you in Texas, but if you are talking on the phone and sending silly texts or emails, they are with you. If they are at your side, but no longer engaging with you, talking to you, wanting to be with you, they might as well be in Africa.  This feeling of being alone is one of the underlying feelings that cause couples to split. There are ways to prevent it from developing; as with most things, once the damage is done, it is difficult to fix. Here are 3 tips to help you feel less isolated in your relationship.

1.     Ask yourself if you really want this relationship. Sometimes we become lonely when we long for someone or something else. Your partner may sense you feel stagnant with them or want out but are unwilling to say. They may be withdrawing as a way of not getting as hurt.

2.     Talk to your partner about how you feel. Does your partner know you feel unloved or distant? No one can read your mind, and acting out by having an affair won’t help the situation.

3.     Are your beliefs about money, sex, or faith getting in the way of your need to be connected with one another? Couples who are fighting may project the anger from the disagreement onto the relationship. The distance created is actually about disagreeing over a topic. If you talk about this, it will help bridge the distance you feel.

Humans need love, acceptance and security to grow and evolve. Our relationships are a way of satisfying those human needs. Study after study has shown what happens to babies that are isolated from human love, acceptance and security. We never outgrow that need. To be physically and emotionally alone in a committed relationship is unbearable because the hope of connection is lost.