The first time I ever witnessed a good impression of a fake orgasm was a movie called, “When Harry met Sally.” Most of us saw it, and most of us remember our reaction. We may have blushed especially if we were a woman, because most women watching it have faked an orgasm. The interesting part to me was men didn’t seem alarmed. They really were convinced it was the real deal, didn’t really react to the exaggerated “YES” in the movie, and no doubt had been or were currently being faked by a lover of their own. I talk to men and women about their intimacy and sex every day. I have yet to hear a man ever say he faked an orgasm. Why? There are many reasons. For one thing, most women don’t care if he has an orgasm or not. It doesn’t say anything about his technique if he does or doesn’t. However, if his woman doesn’t orgasm, the man tells himself that he is doing something incorrectly.

If a woman doesn’t orgasm, it is a reflection on her lover (sometimes). I don’t think women necessarily blame their partner, but their partners often blame themselves. Women fake orgasms because they want their partner to stop, or they may be frustrated with their partner’s skill, or they may not be in the mood to orgasm, or they may need a different type of stimulation, or they may not be able to create the right fantasy in their head (due to something their partner is doing or saying that distracts them).  Or it’s thinking of your to do list sex.  They may feel fat that day, they may not like how their partner smells, or they may be angry at their partner and hurt.  It may be pity sex, they may be with a talker of nonsense which totally turns them off, they may be bored with the way their partner mounts them, or they may be bored with the music to which their partner insists on listening, or they may be tired. The list goes on and on why women feel the need to fake an orgasm. It isn’t honest, and it prevents a couple from improving their sex life when one of the partners fakes anything, so in my line of work I discourage faking.

When a couple who has had many fake orgasms begin not having them at all, it is like an alcoholic not relying on vino anymore…it can be scary. It means you have to be willing to talk about how you feel. Talking about how you feel about the kids or the in-laws is one thing, but talking about what you like in bed, where you like to be touched, and what sort of friction feels best is awkward. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together five or thirty years.  You may be able to write each other’s obituary, but talking about what you like sexually can make you feel like a clumsy fifteen year old.

Men are so connected with their sexuality that when they find out their partner has been faking orgasms, even if it was done to protect his feelings, he feels a sense of betrayal. He will even say, “You’ve been faking all these years?” “What else have you faked or lied about?” Who can blame him? Sex is his main way of connecting, emotionally and physically. It would be the same if a man told a woman that, “He loved only her,” but yet had a girlfriend on the side. She would no doubt feel betrayed if she found out, but is that any worse than betraying your lover by acting as if he is pleasing you when he is not? If women say, “I want my relationship to be transparent and real,” then women’s sex lives should demonstrate that as well.

When women claim their sexuality, and become an equal partner with love making, sex becomes a more intimate relationship. Women who know what they like can help set up that atmosphere. They can teach their husbands or boyfriends what feels good for them so the sexual pleasure is experienced by both. Women who have sex are healthier and more emotionally balanced than women who don’t. Women want men to engage with them emotionally, but they forget intimacy is perhaps the best way to enhance connectedness and a sense of well-being.  If you have been faking way too long, and you want a richer, deeper intimacy with your partner, these tips will help. The first step is the toughest, because there is no such thing as a little faking. You either fake….or you don’t.

1. Tell your partner you want to become a more engaged partner in your love making. You needn’t tell them you have been faking orgasms, although it may help to tell them you aren’t sure what pleases you.
2. Try new things. Couples who are open to trying new places, music, smells, and/or positions seem to anticipate their time alone much more.
3. Make time. If you get careless and don’t make love making a priority, it will become quickies every day. Quickies are highly correlated with fakers. This is mostly a time problem. Women take longer.  If you block out two hours (reserve an hour and a half for a bath, dancing, and/or being close with soft talking), you will have more success at achieving a real orgasm.
4. The body has an incredible ability to learn. Once you have a real orgasm, the likelihood of you having another one is high.
5. When your partner does something RIGHT…always let them know you are delighted. 

So many women in their thirties and forties tell me they have never had an orgasm. Their partners, on the other hand, are telling me how much sex they have and how much their partner enjoys their orgasms. Faking an orgasm is, not only a type of deceit to your partner, it is a disrespect of your own sexual needs. Your body has an incredible ability to help you release stress, minimize moodiness, and attain a physical/emotional connection to another. Why would anyone want to fake something so beneficial to their health? –Mary Jo Rapini

In an interesting interview with Meg Ryan, who faked the famous orgasm in “When Harry met Sally,” she said she did it by pretending she was on a roller coaster in the dropping phase. No woman hearing that interview was surprised that the fake orgasm had nothing to do with sex…..every man was surprised because as they watched it, they “knew” that’s how they made their wife feel with her orgasms. The brain, not the genitals, is the biggest sex organ.

There is an ongoing research study focused on dads. The study is an attempt to build stronger families by focusing on the father’s role in the first year of baby’s life. We know dads are important to a child’s self esteem, overall health, and their success at developing healthy relationship later in life. Some of these dads are in a second marriage, living with the baby’s mother, or just wanting more information on how to be a better dad. I am part of the research study. I volunteer a 30 minute class on “Sex and Intimacy After Baby.” The dads love it, and they ask questions. I volunteer my time, because I believe that dads who are involved in their child’s life help create stronger, healthier families.  I also grew up with a wonderful father, and have respect for the father’s role in families.

When I began my part of the study, I did not expect what has happened. The dads are more open than I had anticipated.  They call me when their wife goes into labor, and want reassurance. They call me with emotional issues after the baby. As with most things, if you put your soul and heart into a project, it will grow. This one certainly has. Dads are not passive bystanders as it may appear after baby. They want to be involved, but many times don’t know how. Moms and babies get a lot of attention and that is as it should be. However, that attention should be focused on dad too, if we want him to take an active role with the baby and marriage after.

When I go to the class, I take my time getting to know the dads (no moms are allowed in this class). We talk about all sorts of things so they can relax and get to know me a bit. Before we begin with the slides and the lecture, I may ask this question: “What are you most concerned will change after baby?” Some of the guys will say things such as, “That their wife won’t like them or give them attention anymore.” Some say, “She may not want to have sex anymore.” Still other men will say things such as, “I’m afraid I won’t be a good dad or husband.” The wives never hear this, and I regret that. I think being able to hear their fears may help women rethink their role as wife and mother after baby. Some women upon hearing these statements may go so far as to say, “How can he be so selfish,” or “He is thinking only of himself again.” Actually, that’s not what I hear. I hear that these future dads are afraid that their wife is going to change and will no longer include them, and they won’t know how to connect to her (remember guys connect physically, women connect verbally).

Taking that new baby home is a gift. I have had two daughters and I understand the miracle of life, and how incredible it is that this small being came through me to be here. However, your marriage is a gift too, and its survival is more important to that small baby then either you or your husband’s alone. Children born into a healthy marriage have better health, better finances, and a better chance of being educated and successful in life.  There are things you should not sacrifice for that new precious life. I have listed several. Talk to your partner during those nine months to negotiate what you think is important to continue a healthy marriage. Agree to have a plan, so both parents can feel loved and return the love to their baby.

Five things you should never let go of in your marriage: 

1.     Your date nights with each other. You can always find a sitter, and no matter how tired you are, take the time to get dressed up and go out with your partner.

2.     Your marital bed. Kids have their room and bed and belong in them. They do not belong in the parent’s bed. Keep that boundary.

3.     Intimacy and sex. Sex is the glue of a healthy marriage. It should take priority. That becomes difficult if women feel like they have too much work or other family stressors. Guys, this may not make sense how a woman could not want sex because the dishwasher needs emptying. Don’t question it, empty it.

4.     Self care. Each of you has a responsibility to take care of yourselves. The baby can never be used as a reason why you didn’t exercise, or take care of yourself. If you don’t care for yourself first, you cannot care for the baby. Make sure you take turns with caring for baby to have that time to care for yourself. 

5.     Time to talk about your marriage and goals. The baby or young children should have a bed time. That time is for mom and dad to talk, bond, share a glass of wine, or whatever. It is also a time when the marriage is restored. Do not give that time up or sacrifice it.

I have seen many couples who love their kids, but no longer love or know their spouse. This is largely due to the fact that they put their parenting needs before their marriage. This is a mistake. Your marriage must come first, because it provides the foundation for a healthy family. The marriage is alive, and it is a creation of two people. Nurture your creation just as you do the child you created together.

Couples fall in love and say they cannot imagine their life without the other. Love is a deep connection, and anyone who has fallen in love understands that you can love someone even when you don’t always like them. Your partner can begin to annoy you or you begin to see parts of them you don’t like. You may not like the way they gossip with their friends, or you may be turned off by the way they act arrogant around your parents. Whatever the reason, it happens to many of us. Sometimes it is feeling negative about ourselves that makes us dislike our partner, but more likely it has to do with a change we begin seeing in our partner that we hadn’t noticed before. Our partner seems to change before our eyes in a way we never thought possible. All of a sudden, we are married and in love with a person we cannot stand.

Long before falling out of “like” with your partner, you may have been putting less effort into the relationship. Perhaps you focused on the kids, your career, or a sick parent, expecting your partner to stay the same loving person while you were preoccupied with another project. This is a fallacy of thinking, because all relationships require time and care. Women or men who begin seeking someone else or filling their emotional space with their kids or career are basically replacing a space once fulfilled by their spouse. The spouse then begins to resent the loss of this space and attention. They start to see many faults in their partner that were once overlooked due to their feelings of love. All of a sudden, the spouse may begin to wonder why they are with this person they no longer like. Growing out of like with your partner is a much better predictor of divorce than falling out of love with them. Many divorced couples will tell me, “We still love each other, but we don’t like each other anymore.”

Couples often fall out of like with one another when they are not aware of the warning signs. When couples get busy with life, they might start taking each other for granted and they aren’t aware of the changes going on between the two of them. Here are three warning signs that happen prior to falling out of like with your partner. If you notice these, it would be wise to schedule a date night and talk about the changes you are seeing. Then have a plan of action that the two of you come up with to get the relationship back on track.

The BIG three:

1.     One of the partners finds it increasingly difficult to spend time with you. If your spouse begins getting very busy with work and it begins taking time away from the two of you, it is wise to discuss this. Establishing boundaries with work and your marriage is one of the most important things the couple should establish within the first two years of marriage. Ignoring this leads to resentment of one of the partners and, ultimately, falling out of like with your partner. Maintaining balance in a marriage might mean the couple has to expect one of the partners to work longer hours. Discussing this openly and planning your time together despite the work load has to take precedence.

2.     Decreasing touch. When partners are really engaged and like each other, they also enjoy holding hands and touching one another. If this suddenly changes and you can no longer sit next to your partner and expect them to reach out for you, there is a problem. Talk about this, voice your concern, or quietly begin holding their hand or caressing their shoulders when you are near them.

3.     Sex diminishes. When couples are in love and like one another, they enjoy sex with one another. If you notice your partner no longer wants to have sex or be intimate with you, it is a warning sign that they are no longer engaged or want to be near you. Women who berate their husbands for wanting sex frequently would be wise to understand that intimacy and sex for men is a form of communication that expresses their love and allows them to feel loved in return. Rejecting sex with your man is analogous to him not finding you interesting enough to talk to. Wanting sex for him is the same as you wanting conversation. Neither is better or worse, right or wrong. They are both healthy forms of expression for intimacy.

Liking your partner for life takes more work and action than loving them for life, but it is also the foundation for a strong marriage. I have never seen a couple who are happily married who don’t like one another. However, I have seen many divorces where the couple still loves one another, but no longer liked each other. Be engaged, stay aware of your partner’s self growth, and make sure at the end of the day you still like the person you share your bed with.

Men are much more emotional than women (or men) can understand. - Mary Jo Rapini

I just got back from a trip to Brazil. It was a work/pleasure vacation for my husband and me. We spent the majority of our time in Florianopolis. A beautiful Island connected to the mainland by a bridge. One morning my husband and I had just gotten back to the hotel room and we were both standing side by side looking out the window at the incredible beauty. My husband, without turning toward me, said aloud, “I feel so close to you right now.” We weren’t holding hands or each other. The comment came out of nowhere. The woman part of me wanted to pry deeper, get even more emotional but then I remembered something that I knew to be true. Men are very emotional, and when they tell you something like this, appreciate it and don’t take it deeper.

I tell you this because a common misunderstanding is that men are not emotional, that they don’t feel things like women do, and aren’t as likely to be affected by emotions and situations. Nothing could be further from the truth. Peggy Drexler PhD, who is the author of “Our Fathers Ourselves,” has talked about this for some time. Men are different from women when they are in love, but they are far from unemotional. Dr. Drexler in one of her recent articles mentions Dr. Ruben Gur PhD, who is a Neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania.  He reports that emotions go way beyond estrogen or testosterone. Men are wired to act during times of high emotion. If the emotion becomes too intense or he perceives it as dangerous he learns to shut off, quit talking and to withdraw. Often, this happens to be the time women want to turn on and talk more.

More and more research validates that men are actually more affected by emotion than women. For example, it takes longer for a man’s blood pressure and immune system to return to normal after intense emotion than it does for a woman. Studies have shown that boys will turn off a tape of crying babies quicker than a girl will. Boys also react with more stress hormone release with the sounds of a crying baby than girls do. Boys are more fragile than girls medically and emotionally. As children, they are more easily stressed which means they cry more when they are upset and have a more difficult time calming down. Early childhood development suggests that boys are more emotionally vulnerable to the ill effects of extreme lack of affection than girls. Men are more likely to die quicker after the death of a spouse than women.

When couples come into my office it may appear as if the woman is the one who is more emotional and affected by stress than the man. If I continue to observe as she tells how she feels, that he is “cold, distant and unemotional,” I can see that he is actually very emotional but has flipped the switch to protect himself just as Dr. Gur suggests. What seems most effective is if the couple communicates more frequently and is allowed to communicate in the way they are most comfortable. This takes time and effort, because women want men to communicate love in women’s language (verbalizing) and men want women to be more accepting of communicating in men’s language (physical). Both are great forms of communication and work together well when agreed upon.

Below are three suggestions to help you communicate love so your partner will feel loved by you:

1.     Allow yourself to be curious and ask your partner how they feel closest to you. Most of the time when you do this, you will be surprised, as this is an area where lots of magical thinking and mind reading are assumed.

2.     With intense emotion never assume your partner doesn’t want to discuss something because they don’t care. Many times (especially with men) they care too much and it upsets them to think about it. Take a time out the minute either partner flips the switch to retreat.

3.     We all have an easier time being emotional if we know we are safe. The middle of a fight, during the work day, or in the evening when you are trying to get kids to bed is not good times. Choosing when to be emotional and vulnerable will help you both feel supported by one another.

There are many myths about men and women, and most of the time they are myths for a good reason: that reason being they aren’t true. Before you tell any of your girlfriends that your husband/boyfriend is not emotional or shuts down when you want to talk “deep” it would be wise to re-think your statement. Your believing he isn’t emotional may be why he is shutting down. –Mary Jo Rapini

Important to remember, the more stressful childhood your husband or boyfriend grew up in the quicker his off switch may be. This is a survival instinct for him. Understanding this up front will help you communicate more effectively.  

“It takes a really big man to love a really big scar” –Carly Simon

I worked for nine years in Lubbock, Texas as an intimacy and sex counselor for cancer patients. They taught me more than any textbook or class. I celebrated their success with them, prayed for their healing with them, and sat by their bedside with their loved one when they took their last breaths. Many people would call that a depressing job, but I never lived as fully as when I worked with this population.

One of the many things I learned was that when you have a chronic illness such as cancer, MS or depression your relationships have to change. Intimacy and sex with your partner have to be discussed openly along with emotions such as fear, anger, guilt, and confusion. Sharing these feelings and concerns with your partner can actually make you closer to your partner than ever before. Infertility, impotence, a colostomy bag, the loss of a breast and not being able to feel or move your legs will contribute to feelings of being only half a person. The scars of the disease on the outside are many times minor compared to the scars left inside. It takes a loving partner to understand that illness is a temporary detour where adjustments need to be made in the way you express your love. Completely withdrawing love or affection can lead to depression or feelings of hopelessness.

Couples need to be more educated on how to express their intimacy and love when their partner becomes ill. Sex is never something that should be avoided among couples, healthy or not. All humans enjoy and need intimacy to feel healthy and loved. These feelings help overcome the obstacles that chronic illness often inflicts. Below are suggestions for couples who suffer from chronic illness in their relationship. My intention is to help you get started. As you become more confident in your ability to express your feelings of love to your partner, I encourage you to seek continued counseling with a therapist of your choice.

1.     Share the diagnosis.  This simply means that you talk to your spouse and tell them that you are a team. Anything that affects their wellbeing will affect yours. This makes the “patient” (your spouse) feel loved and more confident with being able to endure their illness. It also provides an opportunity for you to help with routine care that may be necessary during this time.  

2.     Intimacy takes only minutes. Rather than thinking about a vacation or getaway, take advantage of “mini vacations.” These are moments that you can be close by holding hands, watching a funny movie, cuddling on the sofa, listening to old songs together or talking to one another. Many times, these are “miracle moments” that life’s busy pace robbed from you prior to the illness.

3.     Rediscover the joys of “petting.” With chronic illness, skin sensations change. Chemotherapy, for example, can heighten sensitivity of the skin, whereas M.S. can deaden it. Learning to touch one another again without a goal and talking about how that feels can make you feel like a kid again. In a sense, chronic illness makes anyone who endures it an unfamiliar person. Take time to rediscover and allow your partner to set the pace.

4.     Start in the tub or shower. Most of us are comfortable in warm water as it relaxes us and takes some of our pain away. Sitting in the tub with the one you love is an opportunity to relax, look at each other’s face, and talk. Washing each other’s back or feet is also a wonderful way to express your love and intimacy to your partner. Many times, it is the intimate setting of a bath where partners are permitted to see and touch the scar. Your reaction will mean everything, and the best reaction is to thank your partner for showing you and reassure them that their scar makes you love them more.

5.     Medicate before having sex.  When couples want to share intimacy and sex, it is important that it is planned. This is necessary because pain is often part of a chronic illness. No one feels sexy when they are in pain so planning your medication at least one hour prior to engaging in sex, will help to insure your comfort and ability to enjoy the expression of intimacy.

The loss of a breast, body part, or one’s mobility is symbolic of a loss of their independence and sometimes their identity. The partner has so much influence at this time. In fact, the partner is often the one who is able to influence how their spouse handles their chronic illness the most. No one wants their partner to suffer from chronic illness, but if they do, remind yourself that you and you alone may provide the emotional healing your partner needs to reclaim their sexual and intimate self.   

More and more I am surrounded by women over 35 years of age who want to get married, but cannot find a suitable partner. They have heard the best places to go for singles over 35, have been set up on numerous blind dates, have joined online dating, and still don’t have a ring on their finger. These women are educated, have a great job, great homes, gorgeous, and would make the perfect wife. What’s wrong? When I talk with these women, many think the problem may rest with the guys. Guys in their age range want younger, less established women, or cougars who are self-made and don’t need the guy’s financial backing, or his ability to procreate in order to share a life together. But if I take a bit longer and talk more in depth with these women, then I begin to see that it may not be the men at all. It may in fact be the way these women are feeling toward themselves or what they are projecting outward that is limiting their ability to find a suitable partner for marriage.

Many of us don’t understand that how we feel inside really does project on the outside. If you feel cynical, judgmental or unhappy, no matter how much your latest haircut, manicurist, trainer, or diet fad costs, your looks will reflect how you feel. If you have been let down by men beginning with your dad when you were six, or by your boyfriend who got stolen from you when you were 17 years old, and you never resolved it, then you will attract a man who gets stolen from you or abandons you time after time. When a man becomes interested in you, they take a look at you and already know their destiny. There are things you have to look at within yourself whenever you are seeking something or someone. These thoughts/tapes are often the reason most women over 35 who want to get married are not.

1.     Life has taught you to be critical. Men are emotional beings just as women are. They enjoy sex, but they want to build a life with women who are kind and loving. There is a saying that “every man loves a bitch.” This is misinterpreted by many women. Men like a confident woman who is capable of loving herself and others. Men do not like mean women. If a man is drawn to a mean woman, it says more about his family of origin than it does about the woman. Be careful…do you want to be with a man who likes mean women? Really?

2.     Your standard of measurement is askew.  Often, women who want to marry but aren’t married are still looking for someone cute.  Sexual attraction is important, but in regards to a husband, what are most important are honesty and character. One study referenced in my blog reported that the healthiest marriages were those where the woman was the looker, not the guy. If you have a particular “cute level” they must achieve, you need to look in the mirror again with your makeup washed off, because this is the way your husband will see you each morning.

3.     Being honest with yourself is not valued. The majority of single women over 35 who want to be married are in relationships with people that they don’t really love or see a future with. They lie to these guys and tell them such things as, “Yeah, its okay if we don’t get married.” They move in with him and begin a life, many times committing years of their lives to a man who is never going to commit to them because they are afraid if they tell him the truth he will leave. If you want to get married, make it known, be authentic up front, and don’t settle for someone who is still trying to flirt with everything he sees.

4.     You don’t like yourself. Women who are single and over a certain age become very self-focused. They begin to see all of their flaws (especially with looks); the world becomes totally centered on them. The more this happens, the more they repel others.  Soon, they find themselves alone and begin to think they don’t deserve anyone. When a man is looking for a wife, any vibes of self hate come through loud and clear. Somehow they get it, that you cannot possibly love them any more than you can love yourself. If you disgust you, how can you possibly love them?

The only reason to get married is because you have decided that this person brings out the very best in you and you in them. The thought of not sharing your life with them is worse than the thought of losing everything else in your life.  It takes that kind of commitment from both of you. Marriage is a lifestyle; the vows are sacred. Prepare yourself to be a good partner instead of focusing on how messed up single guys/women are over 35 years of age.

Some of the most popular books on the shelves are romance novels. Women buy them by the millions; yet, I often see couples in my office who have grown apart, have low or no libido, and aren’t having sex anymore. Women are the primary purchasers of these books, so I scratch my head in wonder at how they can love books about romance, intimacy and sex, but no longer want it in their personal life with their partner. While visiting with couples, I gain more understanding about why and how this is possible. I ask the couple, “What are you doing to nurture your sex life?” They look confused or stare straight ahead, and it is usually the guy who will offer, “She won’t let me near her.” She retaliates with, “All you ever want is sex.”

I’ve read recently that more and more baby boomers are getting divorced. Couples that have been together since college, raised kids and fought in-laws together are now separating and divorcing. The reason? There are many, but it comes down to the three I have already mentioned: growing apart, losing their libido, and letting their sex life go. There is a belief for many, especially amongst women, that once you marry, you are married for life. You can let yourself go, begin sharing more with your girlfriends than your husband, and quit being intimate and they (husbands) will still love and want to romance with you. This is not true. Romance is enhanced with knowledge of your own body and a desire to want intimacy. Romance in a relationship demands time; it demands being open to feeling loved and wanting to love. The number one romance fantasy in most books involves the woman feeling frazzled and her man (who usually has clothes on, remember that women like men who emit power so a suit or at least shorts) taking her into his arms; she then submits to being totally pleased. The part the romance novel doesn’t mention is that the women in these stories know what pleases them and also are preparing in their head for this encounter. Even if they act surprised in the story, the room is magically candle lit and soft Latin music is playing. The man’s timing is always impeccable, which signifies that he is engaged with her; he knows her, watches her, and is aware. Many husbands in real life cannot even find their socks, let alone notice when their woman is giving signals for intimacy.

If your marriage is getting stale and you are becoming distant, you owe it to your family and your spouse to work on closing this gap before it becomes insurmountable. Reading a romance novel is fine, but it will benefit your marriage more if you begin prioritizing your marriage and intimacy as if it were a romance novel. Below I have suggestions of how you can begin creating your own love story:

1.     If you suffer from low libido, go to the doctor. Many illnesses can cause painful intercourse as well as hormonal shifts within your body. Painful sex is never enjoyable and avoiding sex can ruin your marriage. Take it seriously and get checked.

2.     Get in shape. Don’t stay in shape for your spouse. Make it about you. Your risk for cancer, heart disease and diabetes goes down the minute you take the first step.  The confidence you will begin to build with your body is vital to restoring romance.

3.     Talk to your partner about your sex life. What do you want? What feels good? How frequent is too frequent? How do you like to be touched? It’s difficult to bring up these topics, but if you begin with only 5 minutes a day of talking about your sex life, you will begin to feel closer to achieving true romance.

4.     Good parenting is valuing your marriage first and foremost. Your spouse comes first.  Going on a date with your spouse is the single most important thing you can do to assure your children’s happiness and success.

5.     Guys, women need you to notice her. The single most loving romantic thing any husband can do is send flowers with a love note. When men adore their wife, she in turn makes you part of her fantasy.

It saddens me to talk to couples who are divorcing because they “grew apart” or no longer want to work on the marriage. They trade partners, leave their children, and destroy their family history because they cannot take the loneliness they have co-created with their spouse. They seek another to fill the void; like a miner holding fool’s gold, they tell themselves this is the real thing, the love of their life, or their soul mate. The real thing is the love story you are currently working on within your marriage. Take time for each other, intimacy and sex. Romance is the setting for “your love story” as you turn the pages of your best seller.

When couples come to see me with their first complaint being that they haven’t had sex in several months, there is palpable tension. They panic, and search for reasons why. When sex is going well, it is 5% of the relationship. However, when sex isn’t going well, it may become 95% of the relationship. A recent study reported in the Daily Mail suggested that more important than sex for a couple’s happiness and health is cuddling. Cuddling provides many benefits besides a sense of security and closeness. It also provides stimulus to our olfactory centers (the smell of our partner makes us feel loved) and our touch centers, and it helps to release oxytocin (the feel good hormone that helps us feel love toward our partner).  Cuddling also provides another form of communication that sexual intercourse doesn’t. It allows us to feel closer without draining our energy. Sometimes the best communication happens when couples are holding one another.

Many times, couples’ first homework assignment from me is to begin touching each other more and talking less. When sex isn’t going well, not only do you lose that physical connection but you lose the emotional connection too.  Often you become more critical of your partner as well as irritable and annoyed. The emotional connection is much more important than the sexual one, because the emotional connection determines if the sexual one will happen, and how frequently. Touching and cuddling is the best way to restore and build the emotional connection. When couples touch, they let down their guard, and begin feeling love and acceptance toward their partner. If cuddling is continued, the feeling of love and connection leads to better communication and sex.

Women may fault men saying they don’t like to cuddle and jump too quickly to sexual intercourse. My practice as well as the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction suggests this is not true. According to Kinsey’s research, among couples in committed relationships, tenderness may be more important to the man than the woman; regular kisses and cuddling lead to greater relationship satisfaction in men than in their partners, especially as they grow older. When I talk to couples and ask them to list the number one problem in their relationships, it is men, not women saying the lack of intimacy. When I question further, they talk about missing the touching, caressing, and soft talking they once shared with their partner.

The time to begin cuddling is early in the relationship. If you have let that go with raising kids, or demanding careers, you can still get it back. Adding a little bit of time into your day to hug or touch your spouse will add a closeness you may have felt was gone forever. You may not need to mention it to your partner. Sometimes their noticing changes in you without you talking about makes it more special. However, if you have a partner who feels like you only touch them when you want sex, then communicating with them about the benefits of cuddling may be a better option.  Reassuring them that it is the intimacy and closeness that you want may be enough to convince them to cuddle. Here are a few tips to help you get started with your “cuddle plan.”

1.     You can cuddle anywhere, which makes it convenient, but being captive together makes it more special. Places like airplanes or movie theatres are a great place to begin cuddling.

2.     No one likes to cuddle on a hard surface, so make sure you have a “cuddle sofa,” or overstuffed chair where you both fit comfortably.

3.     No one likes to cuddle with a computer on their partner’s lap, so get rid of laptops, cell phones, iPhones, and iPads.

4.     Smoking while cuddling is not wise. Getting burned or the smell of smoke in your face causes coughing and disgust.

5.     Talking softly while cuddling is desired.

6.     Kissing is not necessary, but is nice while cuddling.

7.     Being a good listener while cuddling is also important, remember your partner will feel more secure and may want to tell you things they have not said before.

8.     Being gentle is part of cuddling.

9.     Cuddling has no objective other than to feel close to your partner…so don’t rush to finish.

10.  Cuddling is helping your partner and you to be healthier with lower blood pressure and respirations. Imagine your ability to heal.

Whenever I talk to a person who lost their spouse and I ask them what they miss most, they tell me many things. At the top of their list is the sense of being held by that person. The hugs, the way their skin smelled, and how that person made their body feel when they were near.  Stress, illness, and depression can affect sexual performance, but anyone can cuddle. A couple’s ability to cuddle, not to perform sex, is one of the best predictors of an emotionally/physically close, happy, and healthy relationship.

There is a myth that couples talk about all of the time in my office. They tell me that they are living together to see if they are compatible. I am sure they are sincere in their effort to make sure they can tolerate one another, but living together is not going to reveal that. According to the literature, couples who are happily married aren’t always compatible. In fact, there is no correlation between being happily married and how compatible you are. In truth, compatibility is rarely spoken of until one person begins bringing it up, and then it becomes a big issue. It usually means the couple is not getting along, which happens in happy marriages and unhappy marriages. Couples are not compatible all of the time; they fight about sex, kids, money and an extensive list of other things.

Dr. Ted Huston runs the PAIR project, which is a longitudinal study of married couples. His research has shown that the telltale sign of an unhappy relationship is when one spouse begins to worry about not being compatible or begins to overstate the importance of compatibility for a good marriage. The word compatibility covers a wide spectrum of areas. If a husband or wife tells his or her spouse, “We aren’t compatible anymore,” the spouse would be wise to sit down and ask him or her directly, “In what area specifically are we no longer compatible?” This would help narrow the real issue, and the couple could actually begin to make changes.

Many times couples begin fighting in my office; they cannot trace where the fighting originated, but they are able to say they haven’t been happy for a long time. Worn out, tired and stressed, they look for a way out of the marriage, believing it is the marriage. This makes sense, because if you project your unhappiness onto your partner and your union, then the only solution is to break that union. Unfortunately, due to the lack of healthy marriage mentors, couples don’t understand that it is normal to go up and down. They don’t see the arguments, discord, and the process of negotiating and making up watching movies and TV. They see one person leaving and shouting, “We are no longer compatible.”  If I used compatibility as a measure of success in my own marriage, I would be in big trouble. I married a man very different from me, thinking that since we both had the same vision together we could negotiate anything. So far, so good, but no one is exempt from challenging times. Those challenging times in the marriage should be anticipated and embraced for further growth. When we walk away from those times, saying something such as, “We aren’t compatible,” we lose an opportunity for growth not only in our marriage but within ourselves.

There are things I can recommend if you have come up against a wall in your marriage and want to walk away. These suggestions will help, but be sure you both share the same vision or outcome for your marriage prior to undertaking them:

1.     When you feel incompatible with your spouse, write down what areas in your personal life are bothering you before mentioning it to him or her. These issues are yours, not your spouse’s.

2.     Take your spouse out on a date or walk and talk about your marital vision. Ask him or her if they feel the same. Listen to what they say.

3.     When you tell your spouse that you feel there is a distance or incompatibility, make sure you define one specific area. If it is sex, for goodness sake, label it as intimacy. Often when men say they want more sex, they are referring to the intimacy involved; women do not hear or see that so, guys, you have to say it.

These three suggestions will help open your marriage to a new growth that you may not have known was possible. A marriage is so vast and has so many possibilities; it is your story. Every therapist understands the incredible unspoken bond between couples. Imagine if the couple themselves could see that and work with it, rather than closing the door due to incompatibility.

I work as an intimacy and relationship counselor with urologists and internists, who often see patients due to erectile dysfunction. Frequently, I see couples who worry about erectile dysfunction when the changes they are experiencing are completely normal. Aging, stress, and intimacy conflicts can all hinder achieving an erection. Erectile drugs, such as Viagra and Cialis, have made it easy to achieve an erection; however, medications may mask a problem that shouldn’t be ignored.

Many people medicate a symptom, such as an inability to achieve an erection, before understanding the underlying problem. Medical illnesses, such as diabetes, vascular disease, or urological and neurological conditions, can also cause erectile dysfunction. Heavy smokers and drinkers may suffer extensive damage to the small blood vessels, which include those in the penis. For many men, erectile dysfunction includes a combination of physical and psychological factors. If you address your diabetes, but don’t get help with the resentment you feel toward your partner, the penis is not going to perform to your satisfaction no matter what medication you use.  Men are dating later in life and, with dating, there is pressure on performance. Sometimes it is easy to become panicked or anxious when the penis doesn’t perform up to par. Below are common worries that men have, that may be signs of aging, anxiety, stress, and intimacy conflict rather than actual erectile dysfunction.

1. You no longer get an erection just from thinking about sex or seeing your partner in a seductive pose. For men over 40, this is quite common from time to time.
2. You need direct stimulation to get erect.
3. It takes longer for you to achieve an erection (this may be more pleasing to your partner).
4. Your erection is not as hard as it was when you were a teen or in your early twenties.
5. You need more recovery time after ejaculation (this changes with each passing year), and after ejaculation your erection subsides much quicker than it did when you were younger.

The partner plays a large role for the man who worries about erectile dysfunction. Reminding him that you love him and still enjoy intimacy together helps reassure him that he is still your lover and able to please you. Complaining that “all he thinks about is sex” is not only thoughtless, but sends him the direct message that he is being silly or superficial to be so concerned about his ability to feel like a man. If your man struggles with erectile dysfunction, these three tips may help improve the situation and reassure him of your love and desire for him:

1. Encourage him to make an appointment with an urologist and offer to go with him. Sometimes men want to do this on their own and, as their partner, you should honor that.
2. Make sure you save time each day to talk with him, and begin talking about exploring new options. The fact that most couples only know how to have sex one or two ways puts more pressure on the man. If he knows there are many ways to please you and if you remain open to new ideas, it will help both of you and your relationship.
3. Stress is highly correlated with erectile dysfunction, as is obesity. Movement every day can help alleviate both of these. Begin a walking program where you walk one to two miles each day. This is also a wonderful way to converse and enjoy each other’s company.

Erectile dysfunction is a real condition, but so are aging, stress, conflict, and anxiety. A medication may help relieve the symptoms of ED, but addressing the issues behind the condition may help cure it. Sex is important; it’s healthy and it is good for the marriage. Reassuring your partner that you are a team and will work with them is part of the cure.