There was a lot of talk several years ago that a single woman over 40 years of age had a better chance of being blown up in a terrorist attack than finding a healthy marriage partner. Times have changed, and 40 year-old women no longer look 40 and terrorist attacks are more frequent. The saying has lost its “punch” and you seldom hear this phrase anymore. I have gone to more weddings where the bride and groom are both over 40 years of age, and/or one of them is over 40 and the other is 39 and holding.

The new phrase is, “You get what you envision and believe.” People who are optimistic and see their partner as being the best and visualize their lives as being sexually active usually end up with great partners and sexually active lives. The practice of optimism has never been as correlated to positive outcomes as it is with sexuality. Joel Black, Ph.D. has written numerous articles about sex lives over 50 years of age. He reports that when couples engage in the habit of optimism they suffer fewer problems with age-related effects of aging on their sexuality, and when or if there are problems, their optimistic habits help them work around the issues in a healthy way. This makes so much sense in working with couples. By the time I see the couple, one or both of them are depleted of optimism. In fact, many times it is not the relationship that is the issue, but the couple’s viewpoint that it is terrible and there is no hope of fixing it. Couples come in ready to give up on having a healthy sex life because they haven’t been successful at having sex for months or years. When I ask them how they can give up such a vital area of their relationship, they will say often times with disdain, “It was never good anyway, and she/he doesn’t really care about sex.” Very rarely is this the case. The partner has given up, because the person stating this has become so negative that being involved with them sexually is more painful than becoming celibate in the marriage.

Pessimism towards one’s sex life doesn’t happen overnight; it is a pattern developed relatively early in the relationship/marriage and it continues to get worse as the years go on. Pessimism is a habit just as optimism is. When you date, you know right away if the person you are out with is a pessimist by trait or an optimist. Usually, pessimists attract optimists much like a magnet attracts metal, and if you are a full-blooded optimist it is highly likely the person sharing your pillow is a pessimist. When couples are newlywed, they may find this match humorous. However, when you grow as a couple and your pessimistic partner is getting older, complaining about the effects of aging, and the lack of vigor, the humor you may have enjoyed in your youth with this person becomes dulled. The optimistic partner becomes overwhelmed with trying to appease the pessimistic spouse, and this is where touching, talking, and enjoying intimacy hits the wall. Many times this is where they enter my office, both of them looking very pessimistic regarding their non-existent sex lives.

Learning how to become an optimist regarding your intimacy and sex life is not easy, but it is possible. Choosing to see things in a positive light is as easy as choosing to see it negatively, but like the development of any habit you have to practice. Choosing pessimism may be ingrained if you grew up with it in your own family of origin. In this case, what you grew up with has to be re-taped or taped over with positive thinking. Joel Black, Ph.D. has these suggestions for re-taping pessimistic tapes into optimistic sexually healthy tapes.

1.    Understand that temporary conditions aren’t permanent or indicative of what is to come.  A pessimist says, “I can’t get an erection; I must be impotent,” while an optimist says, “I can’t get an erection because I’m tired and ate and drank too much tonight; I’ll try in the morning.”

2.    Be specific.  A pessimist may say, “Sam didn’t call after our first date; I’m a loser,” while an optimist says, “Sam may not be interested in a relationship with me, but there are plenty of other men.”

3.    Don’t assume everything that happens is because of you. A pessimist says, “Jill didn’t like me,” while an optimist says, “Jill may not be ready for a relationship.”

Couples who have the healthiest relationships are those that embrace each other and what life offers. To think your sex life doesn’t require change and learning to get better with age is shortsighted. Optimists not only have better sex lives, but they are more successful in parenting, business, and being healthier. Anyone can become an optimist at any age or stage in life. If you find yourself looking pessimistically at your partner, “re-taping” some of those messages you are hearing and verbalizing may help to restore your sex life.

I work with several obstetricians in town who specialize in infertility. When I talk to women undergoing infertility treatment, my heart goes out to them. They are recording their temperature every day, testing mucus, monitoring ovulation, injecting hormones at unheard of dosages, and usually feeling fat, bloated and tired. The goal is to put these feelings aside and still have sex on the scheduled days in the hopes of getting pregnant. Their husbands are part of the plan, and may have it just as tough. Their job is to support their moody wife (hormones make women uncontrollably emotional) and to save their sperm for days so they will have a greater chance of impregnating their wife when her hormones are at the correct level with ovulation. It is an intricate endeavor, it is also expensive, stressful, and sometimes unsuccessful. It only takes one egg and one sperm though, so there is hope and usually a high chance that, if you can survive several “rounds of treatment,” you will be successful with a bouncing bundle of joy.

The emotional aspects of infertility are perhaps the most difficult to deal with, but along with the emotional is the sexual toll infertility takes upon a marriage. Husbands report feeling used through much of the experience as it is panic rather than love making during ovulation. They are summoned home at any time of the day when the time is right, so you have to take advantage of it. Feeling sexy, affectionate, and excited are replaced with performing a service in the hopes of pregnancy. It's no easier for women. They feel like tired beached whales, and when the ovulation test says “go,” they have sex with little or no desire. One of my patients told her husband and I that she “felt as sexy as a cow” even when she wore her silk negligee.

I enjoy working with these couples because most of them use humor to cope, and the stories they tell me are hilarious. Since it is a stressful process, techniques to deal with the stress help protect your marriage. If you are feeling overwhelmed or tired of the whole thing, there is nothing wrong with taking a break. Make sure you communicate openly with your partner. You are stronger together than either one of you can be alone. Below are suggestions that may help you turn infertility treatment into a marriage enhancer rather than a marital nightmare:

1. Be a team. If you begin talking and supporting one another as a team, you will actually feel fortified by the “craziness” of your lives at this time.
2. Be prepared with activities or things to do if you are stressed or disappointed. Science still has a ways to go in predicting when and if pregnancy will occur. There are several ups and downs with infertility. Making a list of activities you both can do together and enjoy during the downs can make them less disappointing.
3. Schedule time to talk face to face each day. We draw strength from each other by looking into each other's eyes and touching. If you have that time to sit and hold one another planned into your day, there is nothing you cannot bear.
4. Never blame your partner for infertility. If you are a team, you are going to work at this together. It is no one's fault, and nothing good comes out of blame. Encouraging one another to practice healthy lifestyle habits is much more powerful to your partner and your marriage.
5. Bring fun back into your sex life. Forget the schedule once in awhile, and make it about enjoying the warmth and skin to skin contact. Different rooms, positions, music and ambiance can do so much to revive a “performance only” sex life.
6. Once a week do something just for you. Your partner fell in love with you because you were you. Make sure you don't get so tied up in your infertility that you forget you.

Many of the strongest marriages I have known evolved with couples who were undergoing infertility treatments. Couples have a choice of making this time one of marital growth or marital resentment. Choose the growth. It will enhance your life as well as any child's life that joins yours.