The loneliest most of us ever feel is when we are with someone we don’t care for. A bad date or a bad marriage can make us feel so alone and unloved. Many people go out with people they don’t like to avoid being alone for special holidays, and New Year’s Eve is one of those times. Who wants to be home alone on New Year’s Eve? It’s the one night you are supposed to go out, have romance and bring in the New Year with a kiss of passion and goodwill.  I spent one New Year’s Eve with a guy I basically couldn’t stand. I don’t know why I accepted his proposal. He wasn’t even a good kisser and I had experienced his kisses enough to know that. It was miserable for me, and most likely, it wasn’t much fun for him either.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to be alone is because I didn’t understand how wonderful I could make that evening for myself. Many women and men date all sorts of people and go to terrible parties to avoid what I later learned can be a great evening. If you are going to be alone this New Year’s Eve begin now to make it special.

Tips on making your New Year’s Eve alone special:

1. Call an old friend who is too far away to be with. Spend some time talking on the phone, watching New Year's Eve specials together, and reminisce on the year gone by and discuss what's ahead. If your friend is going out at night, it’s okay to call her/him early in the day. Sometimes the voice brings back memories better than writing, so calling actually makes you feel closer and less alone.

2. Plan a nice meal for yourself. Most of the time we plan dinner for two when we want to impress someone. How about impressing you? If you don’t cook, make plans at a special restaurant you have always wanted to try. Go early to avoid long lines. Take a book or something to read if you are worried about eating alone. Many times when you are alone, people are less intimidated and will be more likely to start up a conversation with you. Don’t forget that a really good glass of wine can be a nice way to enjoy your dinner. Splurge on yourself.

3. Before New Year’s Eve, invest in a new hobby to begin New Year’s Eve. Maybe a new book, or a lesson guide for playing the guitar, or learning a language. New Year’s Eve is a good time to think about an area you would like to develop more in the future. Finding a book about fitness or nutrition is a wonderful way to begin the New Year. When we exercise and eat better we have more confidence, and when we have more confidence we appreciate ourselves more.

4. Consider exploring new websites after dinner. Get online, look at funny U-Tubes or other sites you have been meaning to explore. Although it may be 10 p.m. in your time zone, it may be midnight somewhere else. Consider being the first to tell others “Happy New Year.” Get online.

5. If you cannot stand to be alone, consider hosting a party for everyone you know who is single. When you have others around who have a lifestyle you share, it is much easier to feel connected. Good friends are always a better option than being with someone who bores you or doesn’t respect you. Just remember, if they drink (and most of our friends do), they may need to spend the night. Friends don’t let friends drive intoxicated. Period!  

6.  Take a hot bath with good smelling bubbles.  Enjoy soft lighting, a glass of champagne and good music.  You don’t need to be with someone else to relax and feel good about your own body. While relaxing in the water remind yourself how fortunate you have been and be thankful. Begin to imagine your new year. Thank your body for all it has done for you this year.

7.  If being alone this year for New Year’s Eve is too scary, try a getaway. Plan a vacation. Go somewhere you have always wanted to go and explore it fully. Getting away distracts you from not having someone to share the evening with. It also is a good way to learn more about yourself and others!

The best relationships always begin with the relationship we have with ourselves. New Year’s Eve is the perfect evening to begin exploring and celebrating ourselves. You don’t need another person to symbolize you are okay or desirable. In fact, the most desirable people I know are the ones who know how to celebrate themselves from time to time. You will be one of the few who wakes up January 1, 2012 feeling invigorated and inspired; grateful you didn’t settle under pressure on New Years Eve. 

Getting “let go of,” separated or “dumped” is one of the most humiliating, depressing, and emotionally difficult experiences most of us will ever go through. For many couples, feeling more distance and tension are preludes that their partner isn’t happy and wants out of the relationship. Many of those same couples assume their partner will wait until after the holidays to lower the boom, not imagining anyone could be so cruel as to break it off during this time of year. When the split happens prior to or during all of the festivities, it leaves you feeling shocked, abandoned, desperate and depressed. Along with the actual break up, the holidays come at the worst time of year with shorter days and longer nights. When this happens to you, it is unwise to try and convince your partner to hang on for a few more weeks or shame them into re-committing to you.

When men or women call me for advice, telling me they have been dumped, it would be easier for me to tell them what not to do. Don’t give your ex a call to come over for sex, and don’t harm their property or body. If you have kids, don’t use the kids to try and cajole them to come back. Although these points seem obvious, when you are in the panic and desperation of wanting your “old life back,” these ideas seem logical. Make no mistake, they are not. Your partner will use them for reasons why you are too crazy for them and why they have to exit the relationship.  There will be very few ways to comfort yourself with immediate soothing; however, with time and taking some control back with these suggestions, it won’t be long before you are feeling stronger.

1.     Reach out and help someone else. A study in Personnel Psychology noted that there is a 25% improvement in mood when helping others. The less you focus on yourself right now the better.

2.     If at all possible, get away for the holidays. No matter when a break-up happens, the first holiday alone is bad. Go somewhere or make plans to spend the holidays with someone.

3.     Don’t wait for the New Year to join a gym. You won’t feel like exercising, but you need to go. The endorphins that are released during a gym work out help alleviate depression and anxiety.

4.     Journal your thoughts, and write at least one thing you are grateful for each day. Take your journal to bed with you and place it on a side table. When you cannot sleep, write. It helps to get your thoughts out on paper. Feeling grateful despite your misery helps it hurt less.

5.     Counseling can help, and most counselors have extended hours during the holidays. A counselor will help guide you through the trenches immediately following a break up. They also help you focus on the big picture when this small piece feels like your whole life.

6.     No one should go through a break up without good friends and family. This is a time to be able to ask for support. Many of your friends and family probably saw the break up coming long before you did.

It is important to remember that only those who love can suffer a broken heart. Everyone has their heart broken at some point in their life. There is no doubt that the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” was written for the person being dumped. There is a universal truth that you should repeat if this happens to you, “If it ended, it was broken.” Some things cannot be glued back together when they are broken. You can enjoy a meaningful holiday anyway! 

Whenever most of us think of family and going home we become excited with anticipation. We think of images of hugs, smiles and the warmth of a hug. For many people this is not their going home experience. For many images of fighting, caustic words flung all over carelessly, and rough touch comes to mind. They dread the holidays, they dread leaving work, and they dread the conversations forced upon them.

When the people who are supposed to love you, don’t, or the ones you share your name with humiliate or cause you shame, the feeling of loneliness and abandonment become insurmountable. Anger grows in this type of environment and when you react by holding that anger in, you become depressed, anxious, and cynical. Nothing matters more than being loved by the people you call family, and every human being needs to be loved by their family. I have witnessed people trying to fit into a family that is so sick that they have to medicate with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, alcohol, drugs, food, and a whole list of other medications/or vices that don’t really work. Sometimes the key is to find a healthy group of friends and selective family members where you can feel a sense of belonging without having to hide who you are. Below are 3 tips that will make “going home” feel good again, and will help you leave feeling inspired rather than doomed.

1.     Limit your time with family members who shame or humiliate you. No one should be around people who make them feel badly about themselves. Being related by blood or name does not give permission to beat someone up, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical.

2.     Bullies aren’t only on the playground. They can be people in your family. If you have been bullied all of your life, standing up and pointing out that you will no longer allow yourself or your children to be bullied can free you from a sick family member.

3.     Never stay in the home with people who are supposed to love you but don’t. When you do this, you become vulnerable to their schedule and control. It is better if you have a “safe loving place” to retreat to after the get together. A hotel, a good friend’s home, or making the long trip back home are healthier options.

In this crazy world we all need a strong, loving family to go home to. If you find yourself feeling anxious or depressed being around your family, that is a sign that something needs to change. Look inside first, but also look around. Listen to the conversation. Your family is supposed to guide, mentor and believe in you. Life is precious and when going home begins to be an experience in feeling shame, betrayal or miserable, it is time to make new place settings at the table.

I had just turned off the evening news and was on my way to the kitchen to begin dinner when Lizzie ran up to me, grabbed my waist and with very serious eyes, looked up to me and asked me this question, “Mommy, what if Santa can’t afford Christmas this year?” Lizzie had been in earshot of the evening news and no doubt heard enough of the financial woes and was concerned. I hesitated, not wanting to scare her, but also not wanting to lie to her. Her father and I had expressed concern about bills, the holidays, and taxes--all of which may have contributed to Lizzie’s question and concern. I wasn’t sure what a 7-year-old should be told, but since I had always prided myself in open discussion, I decided to take the time and talk with Lizzie in an effort to answer her question.

You don’t have to be a news buff to be aware that times are tough right now. Protests are happening in every country including our own, news of banks making money but still charging a checking fee for customers, and political fights between politicians ranting and raving depending on where their support dollars are coming from. It’s crazy, and on a more basic level, every household is trying to re-budget and pay back debt. Many of those households are full of children with holiday wish lists longer than your credit card receipts. Parents with children such as Lizzie will be more effective at teaching their children the true meaning of the holidays, the depth of family love, and mentoring responsible spending if they take these sorts of questions seriously. Lizzie asked a serious question in her 7-year-old mind. Here are five important tips that can be used again and again as the holidays grow closer.

1.     Santa has nothing to do with money. Santa is about feeling loved and cared for. The toy you love most and that will make you feel most loved, is the one Santa will try his best to get. It is important that as a parent, you help guide your child with gift requests. If you know your child wants a $100 toy, and you can only afford $50, then suggest another toy that would make your child feel just as loved. Don’t do this in a critical manner, but in a loving, supportive manner. Something such as this, “I know you want that toy, but that is so much money for one toy. What other toy could you get that would make you feel just as loved?” If you do this with a loving tone of voice, you are teaching compassion, understanding, and problem solving.

2.     Reassure your child that adults like the spirit of the holidays too, and they are not going to let a Christmas go by--no matter how poor they are--without celebrating. No matter who you are, you should make every effort to celebrate holidays with your child. No matter what holiday you celebrate, children learn from the ritual and the spiritual concepts that surround the holidays.

3.     Make the focus of the holidays on friends and family. Look at “wish lists” but also promote thinking of others. Children are very egocentric at young ages; that means it’s more important for parents not to be. Children who turn into generous, compassionate, and loving adults were nurtured by loving, compassionate and generous parents. You don’t have to be wealthy to be generous, loving and compassionate. In fact, many times the two are negatively correlated. This may include sorting out good but used toys or books that are no longer age appropriate, and going with your child to donate them to a children’s hospital or shelter where these might be greatly appreciated.

4.     Parents need to set a budget for gifts and stick to it. The best gifts of all are the ones that cost the least, but speak the loudest of love and caring. Last year, a friend of mine bought me three pairs of running socks (I am a runner. I use these every single day). Inside the toe of each sock, she rolled up a slip of paper that had a quote of something I had said to her that meant the most throughout the year. Six quotes…so meaningful. It was my FAVORITE gift. The idea of giving a gift is thinking of what the person would like, or letting them know how they touched your life.

5.     Let Lizzie know frequently, and any other child, that the economic crisis may mean everyone has less, but it will never take away their family. Santa may not be giving out as many gifts, but that’s okay because you have the best gift of all with one another. Children (and parents) who are reassured that their family is strong and loving can endure this and anything else.

To be honest, Lizzie, you may not get the biggest, most expensive toy this year, but the holidays will have more love than last year because the bigger you get, the more loving you become, and the more grateful I am to be your parent.