This week I was asked to be an expert for an HLN story involving an 8 year old boy in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. This boy is morbidly obese, tipping the scales at 218 pounds. The Department of Children and Family Services took the boy into foster care after they felt the mother was unable to follow through with appropriate measures prescribed for the boy in order to lose weight. The mother’s defense was that she was going to school, in addition to working as an elementary teacher.  She felt that she could not monitor the child at all times.  Apparently, family members and friends were sneaking food to the boy.  DCFS reported that they had worked with mom for a year and saw no improvement. The State Health Department estimates that more than 12 percent of third graders statewide (Ohio) are severely obese. That could mean as many as 1,380 kids in Cuyahoga County alone. This story is the first time anyone could recall a child being taken from a parent strictly due to weight-related issues.

To consider the idea that the state can handle this issue by removing an obese child from the home and placing him in foster care is not only absurd, but dangerous to the development of children. Most likely, there will not be enough foster homes and even if there were, will the parents in those homes be able to handle the issues an obese child struggles with? According to recent polls, one out of every three children is morbidly obese. This is not a child crisis; instead, this is a family crisis. In this situation, the child suffered from sleep apnea, which meant he was hooked up to a machine at night that monitors and assists his breathing. Many obese children suffer asthma, diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, anxiety, and depression.

Obesity certainly has genetic components, but to simply throw your hands in the air with complete surrender to the fate is not being a responsible parent.  Taking a child away from the family he knows and loves borders on cruelty. Removal of a child from his/her home should only be done as a last resort to protect that child from imminent harm (the child in this case had no other medical conditions except for sleep apnea). Many times, removing a child from their home is experienced so intensely by the child that they would resort to food even more as the only thing they could control. Depression, anxiety, and a heightened loss of self-esteem may be the result. What are we telling a child if we allow them to be taken from us, because we were not able to change our lives enough to help him? I make it clear to all of the parents I work with that if you have a morbidly obese child, it takes a family to support them with a healthy lifestyle. There can be no enablers and “good guys or bad guys” with offering the child unhealthy foods or a lifestyle conducive to obesity.

If you have a child you are concerned with who struggles with obesity, you have more power within your family than any treatment facility known. The problem is that, many times, you know your child is hurting and that breaks your heart. The guilt you feel from that affects your ability to hold a firm and loving boundary that your child needs. These suggestions will help you get started.

1.     Talk to your pediatrician and tell them your concerns. Make a list of everything you have tried and go over this with your doctor. Don’t let your doctor make light of your concerns. No one knows your child as well as you.

2.     Have a family meeting, and rather than addressing any one child, address the whole family. Become a united team with everyone participating in a healthy lifestyle. Identify the foods that are the most problematic (soda, chips, candy, and pastries) and replace those with raw fruits and vegetables. Make these food visible, keep a basket of raw fruit on the kitchen counter, bottled water in the fridge (or fresh water in pitchers stored in the refrigerator) and vegetables peeled and ready to eat in the refrigerator. The best way to get rid of the junk food is to throw it away. It’s toxic, and why would you donate or give to someone else what is poisonous to their body?

3.     Quit telling yourself that in order for your kids to fit in they need junk food in the house. They don’t, and this thinking is keeping you from being an effective parent in helping your obese child. It is not fair to let the thin sibling eat junk food and not allow it for the child with weight issues. This builds resentment, so get rid of the junk food and make it forbidden for your whole family.

4.     Family activities are so helpful for your family as well as your marriage. Protect and prioritize these types of days. Take a family walk, go to the park, or (in the winter) go ice skating. Anything where there is movement will help everyone be healthier. Activities shared as a family helps the child who is overweight feel less isolated and alone.

5.     If you are unsure of foods and what to serve, a wise investment is to talk to a dietician. Many physician offices have dieticians on staff. Advice and attaining more knowledge of foods can help you help your child.

6.     If your obese child suffers from social anxiety or depression, seek help from a counselor. It is much wiser to begin counseling before your child’s self-esteem is destroyed. Rebuilding an obese child’s self-esteem is much more difficult than learning healthy coping mechanisms that can comfort them so they won’t resort to using food.

Child protective services have a huge job and they do it well. There are so many children that need to be placed with foster parents in order to survive. Morbid obesity should not be a reason we need to contact CPS. Parents must get serious with their children’s health and well being. Being a parent means taking care of your child and making sure they have all they need to be healthy. If your child is overweight and struggling with health issues, begin making changes to the whole family’s lifestyle today.

Whenever most of us think of family and going home we become excited with anticipation. We think of images of hugs, smiles and the warmth of a hug. For many people this is not their going home experience. For many images of fighting, caustic words flung all over carelessly, and rough touch comes to mind. They dread the holidays, they dread leaving work, and they dread the conversations forced upon them.

When the people who are supposed to love you, don’t, or the ones you share your name with humiliate or cause you shame, the feeling of loneliness and abandonment become insurmountable. Anger grows in this type of environment and when you react by holding that anger in, you become depressed, anxious, and cynical. Nothing matters more than being loved by the people you call family, and every human being needs to be loved by their family. I have witnessed people trying to fit into a family that is so sick that they have to medicate with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, alcohol, drugs, food, and a whole list of other medications/or vices that don’t really work. Sometimes the key is to find a healthy group of friends and selective family members where you can feel a sense of belonging without having to hide who you are. Below are 3 tips that will make “going home” feel good again, and will help you leave feeling inspired rather than doomed.

1.     Limit your time with family members who shame or humiliate you. No one should be around people who make them feel badly about themselves. Being related by blood or name does not give permission to beat someone up, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical.

2.     Bullies aren’t only on the playground. They can be people in your family. If you have been bullied all of your life, standing up and pointing out that you will no longer allow yourself or your children to be bullied can free you from a sick family member.

3.     Never stay in the home with people who are supposed to love you but don’t. When you do this, you become vulnerable to their schedule and control. It is better if you have a “safe loving place” to retreat to after the get together. A hotel, a good friend’s home, or making the long trip back home are healthier options.

In this crazy world we all need a strong, loving family to go home to. If you find yourself feeling anxious or depressed being around your family, that is a sign that something needs to change. Look inside first, but also look around. Listen to the conversation. Your family is supposed to guide, mentor and believe in you. Life is precious and when going home begins to be an experience in feeling shame, betrayal or miserable, it is time to make new place settings at the table.

I had just turned off the evening news and was on my way to the kitchen to begin dinner when Lizzie ran up to me, grabbed my waist and with very serious eyes, looked up to me and asked me this question, “Mommy, what if Santa can’t afford Christmas this year?” Lizzie had been in earshot of the evening news and no doubt heard enough of the financial woes and was concerned. I hesitated, not wanting to scare her, but also not wanting to lie to her. Her father and I had expressed concern about bills, the holidays, and taxes--all of which may have contributed to Lizzie’s question and concern. I wasn’t sure what a 7-year-old should be told, but since I had always prided myself in open discussion, I decided to take the time and talk with Lizzie in an effort to answer her question.

You don’t have to be a news buff to be aware that times are tough right now. Protests are happening in every country including our own, news of banks making money but still charging a checking fee for customers, and political fights between politicians ranting and raving depending on where their support dollars are coming from. It’s crazy, and on a more basic level, every household is trying to re-budget and pay back debt. Many of those households are full of children with holiday wish lists longer than your credit card receipts. Parents with children such as Lizzie will be more effective at teaching their children the true meaning of the holidays, the depth of family love, and mentoring responsible spending if they take these sorts of questions seriously. Lizzie asked a serious question in her 7-year-old mind. Here are five important tips that can be used again and again as the holidays grow closer.

1.     Santa has nothing to do with money. Santa is about feeling loved and cared for. The toy you love most and that will make you feel most loved, is the one Santa will try his best to get. It is important that as a parent, you help guide your child with gift requests. If you know your child wants a $100 toy, and you can only afford $50, then suggest another toy that would make your child feel just as loved. Don’t do this in a critical manner, but in a loving, supportive manner. Something such as this, “I know you want that toy, but that is so much money for one toy. What other toy could you get that would make you feel just as loved?” If you do this with a loving tone of voice, you are teaching compassion, understanding, and problem solving.

2.     Reassure your child that adults like the spirit of the holidays too, and they are not going to let a Christmas go by--no matter how poor they are--without celebrating. No matter who you are, you should make every effort to celebrate holidays with your child. No matter what holiday you celebrate, children learn from the ritual and the spiritual concepts that surround the holidays.

3.     Make the focus of the holidays on friends and family. Look at “wish lists” but also promote thinking of others. Children are very egocentric at young ages; that means it’s more important for parents not to be. Children who turn into generous, compassionate, and loving adults were nurtured by loving, compassionate and generous parents. You don’t have to be wealthy to be generous, loving and compassionate. In fact, many times the two are negatively correlated. This may include sorting out good but used toys or books that are no longer age appropriate, and going with your child to donate them to a children’s hospital or shelter where these might be greatly appreciated.

4.     Parents need to set a budget for gifts and stick to it. The best gifts of all are the ones that cost the least, but speak the loudest of love and caring. Last year, a friend of mine bought me three pairs of running socks (I am a runner. I use these every single day). Inside the toe of each sock, she rolled up a slip of paper that had a quote of something I had said to her that meant the most throughout the year. Six quotes…so meaningful. It was my FAVORITE gift. The idea of giving a gift is thinking of what the person would like, or letting them know how they touched your life.

5.     Let Lizzie know frequently, and any other child, that the economic crisis may mean everyone has less, but it will never take away their family. Santa may not be giving out as many gifts, but that’s okay because you have the best gift of all with one another. Children (and parents) who are reassured that their family is strong and loving can endure this and anything else.

To be honest, Lizzie, you may not get the biggest, most expensive toy this year, but the holidays will have more love than last year because the bigger you get, the more loving you become, and the more grateful I am to be your parent.

I was reading a recent article on the subject of “helicopter parenting” and how cell phones and the Internet have changed parents’ ability to hover over their children. The parents that supposedly hover the most are moms and dads of the “Millennials;” children of baby boomers, born between the early 1980s and 2000. As I read it, I could not help but think of my own childhood. I was the sixth of nine kids and I can safely say my parents most likely didn’t know where I was 70% of the time. It wasn’t that long ago, and I was raised in a small town, prior to cell phones, the Internet, and the idea that something catastrophic could happen to me if my parents lost sight of me. My parents weren’t neglectful any more than my neighbors and friends parents. We didn’t have the technology and we also didn’t have the angst that comes with the technology.  There wasn’t the feeling that if I wasn’t constantly busy with piano, soccer or tutoring, I would fall behind. My parents saw their role as providing a secure home life, plenty of sleep, good food, and help with homework.

Times have changed. Parents talk to their child every day via texts, emails, Facebook, and websites. Even when the child goes to college, mom and dad are still instrumental in guiding their courses, career, and social life. The kids cannot escape and what’s more is many of them don’t want to. Colleges hire additional staff to answer parents’ phone calls and emails just as summer camps do.  Research supports that when parents become involved in their children’s activities, the children do better. They seem to enjoy the activity more whether it is college or an after school event, but there is a fine line, and the positive effects diminish when parents take over and try to control the activity the child is in. Being there as a guide to support your child may be helpful, but if your guidance becomes you telling your child what to do, think and how to respond, your child begins feeling incompetent to handle the situations they are involved with. Soon, your child cannot make a decision without asking mom or dad.

From the time your child is born there is a process of learning to let go of them. The key to being a fantastic parent is to watch your child and understand when and how much to let go. Just as children have developmental milestones to attain, parents do too.  Hanging on too tightly to your child begins to produce several of these behaviors listed below:

1.     Your child becomes less confident in their own ability to take care of themselves in situations at school or play.

2.     Your child becomes fearful and withdraws from novel activities.

3.     Your child will develop more anxieties and school phobias may develop.

4.     Your child may become less interested in things around them unless you take an interest. A parent should be supportive of a child’s interest, but not responsible for it.

5.     Parents who are over protective actually suffer more from sadness and poor self image. When you have all of your needs invested in your child to be a success there is little left for you.

It is scary being a parent. We hear stories of abductions, kids getting harmed physically and sexually, and we feel a need to protect our children. If you feel you hold on too tightly though, or if your child seems embarrassed by your unwanted overprotection, there is a way you can loosen your grip without putting your child at risk. Rather than thinking about protecting your child, think about empowering them. This will help you raise confident children while allowing you to be engaged:

1.     When your child is small, you can allow them more freedom to explore, climb and be independent if you provide a safe environment. Look over the playground or park in advance, and find the park that provides security from traffic, while still offering a fun atmosphere for your child to experience.

2.     Make mistakes a good thing to experience. Kids who grow up anticipating mistakes take more risks, are less fearful and feel more confident about themselves. We all make mistakes; children have so much to learn in a relatively short period of time. Make sure they can experience their mistakes while being protected in their family. The outside world will never be as forgiving as your own family.

3.     If you have a lot of fears from the way you were raised in your family of origin, make sure you deal with those with professional help. Fears are given/taught to children. This is demonstrated by children being terrified of people, things, or events with which they have no experience. The parents often instill leftover unresolved fears of their past. Being afraid of life and all it has to offer is something you do not want to pass on to future generations.

No one will ever love your child the way you will. Protect their childhood, love them, and offer them new experiences so they can grow and learn. When a child tries something new, it is clear that they look at the new adventure and look back at you. If they see a loving parent who embraces the new, while having confidence in their child’s ability to master it, they will be empowered to soar.

My mother was a school teacher. She was raised on a farm, one of six kids to have a college education and married my dad when she finished her time in the Air Force and college. She loved my father; in fact, a better word is adored. She wore a pin on her dress to teach school each day that said, “My heart belongs to Carl.” She wore a wedding band but wasn’t into jewelry or other forms of sentiment. She had one key to a successful marriage and it was to be kind. She always tried to be kind to him, even when his response was anything but kind to her. When I married and moved away she wrote my husband and I a letter each Sunday evening. We received it every Wednesday and it was full of the family interactions we missed living far away. Her signature was, “Be kind to one another, God bless you, Love, Mom and Dad.”

This week Smart Marriages website came out with a late breaking report about the importance of being kind to your spouse. They admitted it was very difficult but not impossible. Gottman, a leading author with marriage and research explained that it’s the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that determine its well being. In other words, the good moments of pleasure, passion, kindness and generosity have to outweigh the moments of complaining, anger, criticism and disgust. The couples who succeed with great marriages have more positives than negatives.

Being kind has a lot to do with where you came from. If you grew up in a family where people were unkind or not nice to one another, you may have a tendency to treat your spouse unkindly. If your spouse complains, you may try tactics such as, “Why are you so sensitive?”  “What’s the matter with you, you act like you live in la la land.” All of these shift the blame to your spouse. You may feel validated, but your spouse feels less loved, less cared for, and less understood. Anger grows here, and your spouse becomes resentful. All of a sudden the spouse, who may have wanted to be kind, becomes your enemy. They begin to hate you, criticize you, and note every one of your flaws.  

When a marriage becomes insensitive and unkind, it no longer feels safe and secure. I can feel the couple’s anger when they sit across from me in my office. Trying to restore kindness isn’t easy, but it is possible.  Dr. Gottman believes one of the most important things is awareness. This makes sense as if you aren’t aware of when you are being unkind, then eliminating that behavior is more difficult. Awareness takes time, and it requires you to talk to your partner and believe them when they tell you the types of statements that make them feel hurt, rather than trying to defend your statement by telling them that they are too sensitive. Telling anyone they are too sensitive is being unkind.

Nothing will make a marriage better quicker, your sex life more active, or help you raise happier children, than being kind to one another. I have five suggestions you can act on now:

1.     Anger and stress do nothing as far as encouraging kindness in our interactions, so begin now to manage those with exercise, healthy eating, and meditation/prayer.

2.     Talk to your spouse privately about your parents’ interactions. Were they kind to one another, did they support and love one another?  If your spouse is able to understand how you were mentored, they may be able to tolerate some of your unkindness and not react to it with anger or resentment.

3.     Make it a point to follow Gottman’s guide of one negative sentence for five positive. This will help restore the kindness balance, and you will notice your partner feeling safer and less defensive.

4.     Each day, tell your spouse at LEAST one thing you absolutely adore about them. One kind thought a day is not too much to ask of anyone.

5.     A fight is never about winning. The only win is if there is an understand/understand, resolve/resolve, and love/love solution. The families that seek the most to have a winner and loser end up spending the most in counseling and divorce courts as a general rule.

We all want the same thing in a marriage. We want our partner to feel loved, to love us, and to raise healthy, happy children. A simple concept such as being kind to one another can assure you of attaining those three.  “Be Kind to one another, God Bless You, Love Mjo.”

I watched 20/20 last night with millions of others to see the aftermath of destruction that followed the scandal Bernie Madoff put in motion. The story depicted the results of greed, deception, narcissism, and destruction when you value money more than anything else. Closer to home, with the current economic situation, loss of jobs, loss of income, and loss of respect from a business you have worked for most of your life, it’s tough to find a balance. When does “stuff” become too much? How much do we need to survive happily as a family? When couples struggle financially, we also see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups, and chaos. It’s difficult to show love toward your partner if you are worried about paying your cell phone bill, car payment and house note. However, research in this area is finding that materialistic people have unhappier marriages than couples who don’t care much about possessions. This holds true across all levels of income, according to Jason Carroll, who is a Professor of family life at Brigham Young University. Dr. Carroll goes on to say that if you are materialistic, you will have a happier marriage if you find someone who isn’t. Two like-minded materialistic people suffered the least satisfying of marriages.

Dr. Carroll and his colleagues have been studying materialism and marriage and have uncovered information about the effect of money on marriage. The more materialistic you are, the more you suffer anxiety, depression, and insecurity than non-materialistic types. The more you value money, the more troubles you suffer at home, because work usually comes first, and after work is done, people have left you and moved on. Your intimate relationships many times no longer exist. 

The research was done through the RELATE Institute which is a respected national research non-profit organization. In this case, they studied 1,734 married couples and collected online questionnaires from them.  Across the board, the marriages with at least one materialistic spouse were worse off on all measures than marriages where neither spouse was materialistic. It had nothing to do with gender of the spouse; the non-materialistic couples were 10 to 15% better off in the categories studied (marital satisfaction, marriage stability, and lower levels of conflict). The study couldn’t test how materialism erodes a marriage, but Dr. Carroll and his team have a couple of theories.

1.     Materialism causes spouses to make bad financial decisions such as spending beyond their means, which puts them in debt and stresses the marriage.

2.     People who are materialistic are working more to “get things.” They forget, don’t value, or run out of time in a day to nurture their relationships.

Only married people were included in this study, but Dr. Carroll and his team believe the pattern is similar in couples who are cohabitating or long time partners. So, what do we do when we want nice things, or need to make the payments on the nice things we already have? How do we value our partner, but still work hard enough to make our payments, live in a nice neighborhood, send our kids to nice schools, and splurge on a special gift for the holidays? These 5 tips may help.

1.     No matter how hard you work, if you communicate with your spouse each day, letting them know something as simple as, “I am thinking about you,” you will be nurturing your relationship.

2.     Balance is everything. At times that is difficult and unattainable. When you know in advance that work will be consuming a lot of your time, tell your partner in advance so they can mentally prepare. Take them to dinner or spend extra time with them prior to the week or month that you need to focus on work. Remind them by saying something such as, “I am glad we have this time together, because next week (or next month) is going to be very demanding at work.” This tells your partner they are more important to you than money.

3.     Have a family day. One day a week is sacred to families. Shut all communication off on that day. Program that day into your Blackberry, iPhone or whatever device you have so you won’t schedule business.

4.     Children, wives and husbands all like nice things, but they love you. Their love is a gift, not something you will get paid for.  No amount of money or nice things you can ever acquire will replace this love.

5.     As a family, it’s nice to have a charity to which you give every year. Let the kids be part of planning which charity means the most to them. Teaching your children early to value life rather than material is very important.

Dr. Phil once said that “If you marry for money, you earn every bit of it.” What he didn’t say that is equally true is that your family for generations to come will earn it too.  We all like nice things, but when they are valued more than our loved ones, it becomes a downhill ride, and you usually end up at the bottom alone.

There is an ongoing research study focused on dads. The study is an attempt to build stronger families by focusing on the father’s role in the first year of baby’s life. We know dads are important to a child’s self esteem, overall health, and their success at developing healthy relationship later in life. Some of these dads are in a second marriage, living with the baby’s mother, or just wanting more information on how to be a better dad. I am part of the research study. I volunteer a 30 minute class on “Sex and Intimacy After Baby.” The dads love it, and they ask questions. I volunteer my time, because I believe that dads who are involved in their child’s life help create stronger, healthier families.  I also grew up with a wonderful father, and have respect for the father’s role in families.

When I began my part of the study, I did not expect what has happened. The dads are more open than I had anticipated.  They call me when their wife goes into labor, and want reassurance. They call me with emotional issues after the baby. As with most things, if you put your soul and heart into a project, it will grow. This one certainly has. Dads are not passive bystanders as it may appear after baby. They want to be involved, but many times don’t know how. Moms and babies get a lot of attention and that is as it should be. However, that attention should be focused on dad too, if we want him to take an active role with the baby and marriage after.

When I go to the class, I take my time getting to know the dads (no moms are allowed in this class). We talk about all sorts of things so they can relax and get to know me a bit. Before we begin with the slides and the lecture, I may ask this question: “What are you most concerned will change after baby?” Some of the guys will say things such as, “That their wife won’t like them or give them attention anymore.” Some say, “She may not want to have sex anymore.” Still other men will say things such as, “I’m afraid I won’t be a good dad or husband.” The wives never hear this, and I regret that. I think being able to hear their fears may help women rethink their role as wife and mother after baby. Some women upon hearing these statements may go so far as to say, “How can he be so selfish,” or “He is thinking only of himself again.” Actually, that’s not what I hear. I hear that these future dads are afraid that their wife is going to change and will no longer include them, and they won’t know how to connect to her (remember guys connect physically, women connect verbally).

Taking that new baby home is a gift. I have had two daughters and I understand the miracle of life, and how incredible it is that this small being came through me to be here. However, your marriage is a gift too, and its survival is more important to that small baby then either you or your husband’s alone. Children born into a healthy marriage have better health, better finances, and a better chance of being educated and successful in life.  There are things you should not sacrifice for that new precious life. I have listed several. Talk to your partner during those nine months to negotiate what you think is important to continue a healthy marriage. Agree to have a plan, so both parents can feel loved and return the love to their baby.

Five things you should never let go of in your marriage: 

1.     Your date nights with each other. You can always find a sitter, and no matter how tired you are, take the time to get dressed up and go out with your partner.

2.     Your marital bed. Kids have their room and bed and belong in them. They do not belong in the parent’s bed. Keep that boundary.

3.     Intimacy and sex. Sex is the glue of a healthy marriage. It should take priority. That becomes difficult if women feel like they have too much work or other family stressors. Guys, this may not make sense how a woman could not want sex because the dishwasher needs emptying. Don’t question it, empty it.

4.     Self care. Each of you has a responsibility to take care of yourselves. The baby can never be used as a reason why you didn’t exercise, or take care of yourself. If you don’t care for yourself first, you cannot care for the baby. Make sure you take turns with caring for baby to have that time to care for yourself. 

5.     Time to talk about your marriage and goals. The baby or young children should have a bed time. That time is for mom and dad to talk, bond, share a glass of wine, or whatever. It is also a time when the marriage is restored. Do not give that time up or sacrifice it.

I have seen many couples who love their kids, but no longer love or know their spouse. This is largely due to the fact that they put their parenting needs before their marriage. This is a mistake. Your marriage must come first, because it provides the foundation for a healthy family. The marriage is alive, and it is a creation of two people. Nurture your creation just as you do the child you created together.

Women still initiate the majority of divorces in the United States. The reasons are varied, and it doesn’t really matter why it happened in the mind of the man who is left. If there are kids, the silence can be deafening because when your wife leaves, the kids usually go with her. Feelings of anger and rejection can overpower men and lead to life-threatening behaviors. Many times, men do not have the network system to offer emotional support and encouragement like women do. This leaves them to vices such as alcohol, driving too fast, physical aggression, and violence. When men are upset, it takes their heart, respirations, and blood pressure longer to return to normal readings than it does for women. For most men, having their wife walk out on them is a sign of failure, and failure is unfortunately viewed as being weak. The only way a guy is taught to handle feeling weak is to get angry, which begins the cycle of anger that the man’s wife left when she walked out the door.

Men feel and act much quicker than women do. When men feel alone or hurt, they are not socialized to go to other men to talk about their feelings. They are socialized to talk to women. This usually leads to them “hooking up” with another woman before they are prepared emotionally. Women view relationships with more intensity in the beginning than men do. This usually means for the guy who isn’t emotionally available that, once again, he will fail and be rejected. Women are also judgmental of these men as the men often don’t get close enough or vulnerable enough to be understood. If she cannot understand, she has no recourse other than to judge the present behavior.

By the time these men make it into my office, they are broken. Many times they are sleep deprived, confused, hurt, and angry. Trying to convince him at that time to cease using the vices he has been socialized or mentored to use by friends, family, and the media is almost impossible. He needs a fix, but his emotional and physical health depends on him feeling the pain and grieving it before moving on. He won’t trust his ability to grieve until he has other options to help him manage it. Here are several options for men dealing with a loss of love. They can be done alone or with the guidance of a counselor or third party:

1.     Begin writing down your thoughts. Writing it seems to be cathartic, whereas holding it in your head can make you more confused and angry. Get a journal and make it your mission to fill it daily or hourly.

2.     Each day, make sure you talk with someone you trust. This can be a simple text or email, but communicating with someone else is important. This will help give you balance and stability at a time you feel off-kilter and rocked.

3.     Pray. Pray every day. It doesn’t have to be an organized prayer, just talk to your god. Talking to a minister or mentor from the church can help you feel less alone.

4.     Go to the gym or walk outside each day. Movement releases endorphins, which helps improve your mood and lower your depression.

5.     Watch what you eat. When you eat more carbs you may become more tired, depressed and unmotivated. Your body reacts to your moods, so taking care of your body when you are down becomes more essential.  

6.     If your family is concerned that you are acting depressed or moody, don’t get defensive. Make an appointment to see your doctor; it is not a sign of weakness to go on anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants at this time. Many times, when we are depressed or anxious, those closest to us see it first. 

7.     Allow yourself a specific amount of time to think about your ex each day. Shorten that time by minutes or hours each week. In the beginning it will be very difficult to distract yourself, so use exercise as a way to do that. When you find yourself thinking of your ex, do 50 pushups or sit ups. You will begin feeling more confident and in control.

8.     If you have children, continue your relationship with them. Children feel grief intensely and act on it quickly. They will be struggling, too, so try not to dump adult emotions on them. Never let your anger for your ex become stronger than the love you feel for your children.

9.     Night time is the worst time; for that first week or two, have someone you can talk to even in the middle of the night when it is really bad. Good friends and family will understand and want to help.

10.   If there ever was a time to adopt a dog, this may be the best. A dog needs a home and you need unconditional love.

11.  Many men see a divorce or a break up is a sign of failure. That may or may not be true, but it takes two to fail. It wasn’t all your fault no matter what your ex may say. We all make mistakes; the important aspect is to learn from them.

12.   Investing yourself in a higher cause post break-up will help occupy your thoughts and surround you with like-minded people who know how to give back. Doing something physical helps most guys process anger without acting it out in a way that can hurt them.

The biggest hurdle for guys dealing with any crisis is that they aren’t allowed by the “man code” to ask for help. This may sound ridiculous to women, but it is true. I am not sure who developed the man code, but this part of the code needs to change. Men medicate with more women after a break-up than women do, and they die sooner after the loss of their wife than women do after the loss of a husband. Most of the time, this is due to their inability to grieve in a healthy social network where they can express their sadness and loss. Guys will be emotionally healthier if they allow themselves to step back, express their feelings, and figure out what they want before hooking up with someone who asks for emotions they are incapable of giving.

When you create your marriage, you are creating your story. Every story has twists, turns, plots you didn’t expect and, of course, the ending. Hopefully, the ending of your marriage will be the ending of you or, in other words, “Till death do you part.” However, sometimes in your story there are twists or turns that neither you nor your partner may have seen coming that can change the whole story.

It is at these times that counseling, talking to your minister, or going on a marital retreat may be beneficial in helping you maneuver these twists and turns. However, there is another method that is now commonly supported by those of us in the field of trying to empower couples and improve their marriages. Kids in a healthy marriage do so much better than children raised in co-habitation or in a single parent home. It makes sense that if you have a loving partner in a committed marriage, helping you with child rearing, that the kids will be able to focus on learning at school and feel more secure in their home environment. This new method couples are being asked to try is a limited separation. In the state of Texas, there is no legal separation; therefore, it is important that you work with a third party, such as a counselor, rabbi, minister or mediator, to set up a plan that will maintain security for the couple as well as the children.

This method became more important after researchers surveyed thousands of divorced couples. It was discovered that most couples actually thought they could have worked things out if they had taken a break or separated for a limited time to cool off. Hearing words like, “I don’t love you anymore,” or, “I don’t want to go to counseling, it’s over,” are heartbreaking, but it doesn’t mean a divorce is the next step. What it may symbolize is, “I’ve had it, and I am limited in my options of what will work right now feeling the way I do.” Divorce is so common that couples gravitate toward what they know. Most couples have friends who divorce, but how many have friends who separate, work it out, and then come together stronger and better at communicating than in the past? Most of us know very few of these.

If your marriage has hit a crisis point and you are burned out trying to figure out how to make it work, perhaps a separation is a wise next step. These steps will help you set up the separation, but it is advised that you let a third party lead the way. They are objective, but the goal is the same: to help you preserve your marriage.

1.     Communication: It is important to set up the rules for communication. If there is a lot of anger, perhaps try talking face to face or on the phone once a week and other days a short text. Whoever you are working with should help you work this out. As you become less angry, the communication should become more frequent and face to face.

2.     Set a Goal: The couple will have the most success if they set their goal on keeping the marriage and making it work. If one person wants the marriage and the other doesn’t, that needs to be stated up front so the rules of separation can be adjusted.

3.     Access to the kids should never be a condition with separation (unless there is abuse and, in that case, a separation is not advised).

4.     Date night: Dates should be planned into the separation. The dates are an opportunity to re-connect by engaging in conversation and enjoying one another, rather than fighting or arguing.

5.     Dating others during a separation is verboten: You are still married, and the objective is to get space to figure out what you are doing to enhance or sabotage your marriage. After you have time away and can calm down, working toward resolution is more likely.

I have been married for a long time. We are very different people, but we share the same goal of our union. We want to be together, and that makes all the difference. Even when I am mad at him, I want to be his wife. When he gets angry at me, he wants to be my husband. Our story has had many twists and turns, but the story goes on. At the end of the day, ask yourself, “How sacred is my marriage to me?” Do you value it as much as you do your money, car, house, kids, friends, and everything else? A separation at a marriage crisis point is for those who say, “YES” to that question. There is no absolute guarantee that you will be married forever, but you make it more likely if you value your marriage more than anything else.

Some of the most popular books on the shelves are romance novels. Women buy them by the millions; yet, I often see couples in my office who have grown apart, have low or no libido, and aren’t having sex anymore. Women are the primary purchasers of these books, so I scratch my head in wonder at how they can love books about romance, intimacy and sex, but no longer want it in their personal life with their partner. While visiting with couples, I gain more understanding about why and how this is possible. I ask the couple, “What are you doing to nurture your sex life?” They look confused or stare straight ahead, and it is usually the guy who will offer, “She won’t let me near her.” She retaliates with, “All you ever want is sex.”

I’ve read recently that more and more baby boomers are getting divorced. Couples that have been together since college, raised kids and fought in-laws together are now separating and divorcing. The reason? There are many, but it comes down to the three I have already mentioned: growing apart, losing their libido, and letting their sex life go. There is a belief for many, especially amongst women, that once you marry, you are married for life. You can let yourself go, begin sharing more with your girlfriends than your husband, and quit being intimate and they (husbands) will still love and want to romance with you. This is not true. Romance is enhanced with knowledge of your own body and a desire to want intimacy. Romance in a relationship demands time; it demands being open to feeling loved and wanting to love. The number one romance fantasy in most books involves the woman feeling frazzled and her man (who usually has clothes on, remember that women like men who emit power so a suit or at least shorts) taking her into his arms; she then submits to being totally pleased. The part the romance novel doesn’t mention is that the women in these stories know what pleases them and also are preparing in their head for this encounter. Even if they act surprised in the story, the room is magically candle lit and soft Latin music is playing. The man’s timing is always impeccable, which signifies that he is engaged with her; he knows her, watches her, and is aware. Many husbands in real life cannot even find their socks, let alone notice when their woman is giving signals for intimacy.

If your marriage is getting stale and you are becoming distant, you owe it to your family and your spouse to work on closing this gap before it becomes insurmountable. Reading a romance novel is fine, but it will benefit your marriage more if you begin prioritizing your marriage and intimacy as if it were a romance novel. Below I have suggestions of how you can begin creating your own love story:

1.     If you suffer from low libido, go to the doctor. Many illnesses can cause painful intercourse as well as hormonal shifts within your body. Painful sex is never enjoyable and avoiding sex can ruin your marriage. Take it seriously and get checked.

2.     Get in shape. Don’t stay in shape for your spouse. Make it about you. Your risk for cancer, heart disease and diabetes goes down the minute you take the first step.  The confidence you will begin to build with your body is vital to restoring romance.

3.     Talk to your partner about your sex life. What do you want? What feels good? How frequent is too frequent? How do you like to be touched? It’s difficult to bring up these topics, but if you begin with only 5 minutes a day of talking about your sex life, you will begin to feel closer to achieving true romance.

4.     Good parenting is valuing your marriage first and foremost. Your spouse comes first.  Going on a date with your spouse is the single most important thing you can do to assure your children’s happiness and success.

5.     Guys, women need you to notice her. The single most loving romantic thing any husband can do is send flowers with a love note. When men adore their wife, she in turn makes you part of her fantasy.

It saddens me to talk to couples who are divorcing because they “grew apart” or no longer want to work on the marriage. They trade partners, leave their children, and destroy their family history because they cannot take the loneliness they have co-created with their spouse. They seek another to fill the void; like a miner holding fool’s gold, they tell themselves this is the real thing, the love of their life, or their soul mate. The real thing is the love story you are currently working on within your marriage. Take time for each other, intimacy and sex. Romance is the setting for “your love story” as you turn the pages of your best seller.