Moms are the backbone of our families, and if they are unable to stop their own anger and unable to say no, they risk a heightened risk of hypertension, diabetes, and raising children with a lowered sense of self. How does this happen? Moms who don't take time out for meditation, relaxation, and simple pampering routines become stressed with schedules, worries, and their relationships, which manifest in their health. These same moms forget the importance of exercise and begin to gain weight. This weight gain leads to diseases, such as diabetes and arthritis, which cripples their ability to exercise and participate further in life. Soon they become too tired to join her children at the park, or uncomfortable attending events with their husbands where people may notice their weight, and become depressed because they feel like they are no longer worthwhile.

We begin seeing the effects on children of mom's inability to say “no” because she is so busy saying "yes" to everyone else's demands that the only one hearing “no” is her child. Her children simply note that mom is no longer available to them. Children personalize everything and begin to think they are not worthy of mom's attention. This leads to the child's poor sense of self. Moms who are stressed with too much to do don't talk well about themselves either. The child is constantly hearing mom berate herself for her thunder thighs, big belly, etc...The child personalizes these statements too.

Tips for learning to say "NO" to everyone else and "yes" to you:

1. Practice meditation/prayer, or quiet time every day.
2. Take a 10 minute walk three times a day.
3. Before taking on a new task, ask yourself...who will this benefit? If you or your families are not on the list, say "NO." If you must add something to soften it, say "NO, I am taking time out for myself and my family."
4. Get pampered with something you like at least once a week.
5. Schedule a time when it is just you and your child...all phones and computers off.
6. Hug your partner at least once a day.
7. Have a chore chart and only do the chores you are listed to do. Appoint a manager of household chores (don't volunteer).

To raise healthier families, moms need to care for themselves and not feel guilty. Much of the conflict in a family is caused by undue stress mom feels about not having time for herself and her inability to say “No.” Dads can help by pitching in with chores and focusing on the marriage more. Moms who are in good marriages have a tendency to stress less and handle daily demands with healthier coping skills. The best ways to teach your children to manage stress well is to teach them by modeling appropriate self-care tips. Taking time out for you will help your child understand that giving back and nourishing our own body and spirit is as important as busying ourselves by taking care of others.

Having a teenager is one of the most challenging times in a parent's marriage as well as their life. It is scary, frustrating, and chaotic. It is a time of letting go, enforcing rules, strengthening boundaries and also nurturing. Teens may appear to be fighting against us at times, rebelling from our rules, pointing out our inadequacies, and telling us “how out of it we are.” However, they also still love and need us. They need their mom and dad to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents. You cannot say these things when they would be most apropos. However, you can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep. Also, they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. They will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it. I have written down 15 of those things that should be said during your child's teen years.

 

1. No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart than your mom/dad and I will.
2. You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize/benefit from them as best I can.
3. How can I help you reach your dreams?
4. No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.
5. My job is not to be your buddy. I am your parent and will love and mentor you.
6. I am sorry. (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)
7. I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.
8. It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.
9. I am sorry you don't like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.
10. If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.
11. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly.
12. I don't care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.
13. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.
14. If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.
15. From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).

The amount of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child's life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through and so will you.

This Mother's Day, along with the flowers, candy, brunches, and sweet cards, it may be wise to sit back and recognize the woman you call Mom. In the Wizard of Oz, the great wizard was an old man behind a curtain pulling levers to make the great Oz look magnificent. In most of our lives, the one behind the curtain pulling levers to make everything look great or feel great (including us) is our mom. She has been there since our birth providing for us, guiding us and trying to do everything within her power to make us the best we can be.

The importance of mom has not been lost on the United States government. War tactics have changed where female soldiers are going in to the villages to talk to the women (moms) to appeal to their sense of educating their children for a brighter tomorrow. They understand this will be successful because they too know that moms are focused on building communities, families, and ultimately want the best for their children.

Pharmaceuticals appeal to moms because they understand women not only take care of their own health, but they take care of the whole family's health. If you can teach a mother to eat healthy, you will influence her whole family for generations to come. Being a mom is more than taking care of your child. It is changing the future for generations to come. There is an old saying that “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world,” and indeed that is played out in every family almost every day. For the first time in US history, the majority of families are single parent families, and the majority of those are run by mom. She is at the peak of most advertizing dollars, and most daytime TV shows adjust their venues to what will be appealing to mom. Moms are still 100% invested in their children and their children's welfare, even when they get a scowl from you because you cannot have that junk food you wanted.

This year for Mother's Day I have ideas of how teens can make their moms feel really special. There is one premise you must understand as you go through this list. By the time you are a teen your mom has a deep pride, but also carries a sense of nostalgia with her. She looks at you and remembers how you were as her little baby; that same face you give her at times, she remembers when it had only two teeth. She may feel “replaced” by your new active life, and although she is proud that you are growing up into a healthy adult, she wishes she could wrap her arms around you and keep you safe in her care forever. These tips are going to help mom understand that you understand how great you think she is.

Tips for Teens Celebrating Mom on Mother's Day:

 

1. Write your mom a letter and list 25 things you love about her. She will most likely frame this and nothing will make her day feel more right.
2. Tell your mom you are taking her on a “Momcation.” A momcation is typically a getaway for mom. Since you don't see her as much, and when you are there you are talking on the phone or doing homework, planning to get away with “just her” will make her feel special. It doesn't have to be overnight or expensive. Her momcation could be lunch at the park (make sure you make it), a coffee talk, a walk to the grocery store (carry the groceries), or anything that gets you alone with mom where you are actively engaging with her.
3. Make her favorite dinner or brunch at home. Invite your dad and siblings too, or invite her best friend. Moms love showing off their thoughtful teen.
4. If you are the artistic type, sketch a picture, make a mug or a pot for plants. You could write her a song and then perform it for her. Moms watched and encouraged your interests while you were growing up. They delight in seeing “hints” of the past in what you are doing now.
5. This is the most difficult one, but maybe the most important. If you feel that you have been disengaged or moody as of late, talk to your mom and try to explain what has been going on. No one will ever forgive or welcome your confession more than mom.

No matter what you do with your mom (wizard) on Mother's Day, make sure you think of what she would like. No one has a mom like you, and what you decide may not be what Hallmark recommends, but it will be what she loves best! Have a wonderful day with your mom.

I was the sixth child to whom my mother gave birth. Her first words when she saw me were, “Each one gets sweeter.” It may have been the Oxytocin (the feel good hormone) but I don't think so. It couldn't have been the labor drugs affecting her thoughts, because she gave birth totally naturally to all nine of her children. I believe it was my mother's true feelings at the time. She looked at me as a blessing she had received from a Divine Creator who had given her a gift. My mother derived joy from watching children, especially her own, learn new concepts and ideas. She was a school teacher all of my childhood and most of my adult life, and although she taught me most of what matters to me now, I still have days when I just want her hug, and one more evening of sitting in her kitchen drinking coffee and talking to her about life. My mother is my concept of love. Her hug felt like no other hug I have ever received, and her frown or disappointment was enough to break my heart. I believe the most important lesson my mother ever taught me though was how to let go of someone you love so much and let life help you live again.

My mother gave birth to a son named Anthony when I was 11 months old. Anthony was an exact image of my dad, except he had golden curly hair (my father's was black). His birth meant my mother had three babies in diapers the summer Anthony arrived. She was exhausted, I am sure. Anthony grew as did I, and although I don't remember him there are photos of the two of us. On Christmas Eve, five months after Anthony was born, he developed a fever and was irritable. My parents had no money and seven kids, so they tried to do what they could to control the fever. It did not go away, and thus they took him to the doctor. The doctor gave him medication and sent my parents home thinking nothing out of the normal. I am sure he wanted to be with his family during the holidays. My parents gave Anthony the medication and celebrated Christmas morning as usual. I was only 16 months old at the time, so I cannot tell you what I remember from that day. The night after Christmas Anthony became very ill. He began seizing and my parents were frantic. We lived far away from the hospital and had no phone, so my mother ran across to our neighbors to call an ambulance. The ambulance came and they began CPR and drove fast, but Anthony died anyway. It is a grief that runs deep in my family and we all still celebrate Anthony's birthday. What is even more bizarre is that my mother gave birth to another son named Timothy on what would have been Anthony's first birthday.

I expected my mother to go through a deep depression, but she didn't. She told me she had no time for that. She had too many children, too much debt and my father needed her to be strong for all of us and for their marriage. I asked my mother if she resented that. Did she feel that she wasn't able to grieve it? She responded “NO.” She was grateful God had given her so many responsibilities to keep her from thinking about it. She explained to me that losing a child was the worst thing she had ever endured. She said when Anthony died she felt like she had too. But she didn't. She didn't die because she had faith that God would give her a way to get through this. I asked her what that was. What had God given her to get through? She said, ”The laundry, the dishes, dirty diapers, babies needing to be rocked, school work, and a husband who was grieving too, and so they hung on to each other.”

My mother never lived to see how my job progressed or what paths I chose to take. She knew I had become a psychotherapist, and when I would talk to her about some of the things people deal with in therapy she was always in awe. She was curious about why people spent so much time trying to heal themselves? Didn't they know when you have children you basically have to hang on tighter to keep the marriage healthy? What was it about becoming a parent they didn't understand? She couldn't understand why moms spent so much energy playing with their children when they were young, and then avoided all of the important issues regarding their health and sexuality as they grew older. Who did they expect would teach their children about sex and health? She was an advocate of parents, and she understood no one can ever teach your child about their body or their personal health as much as a loving mom or dad. My mother had a keen sense that what kept a child secure and helped promote their success as an adult was having a strong marriage and engaging the children in the family. Although she had nine children, she had sacred time for her and my dad scheduled into their daily activities. I don't ever remember not seeing them hug, and although I did witness them arguing, I also learned what it looked like for married people to “make up” and forgive. She wasn't trained in psychotherapy. She was a woman who left the Air Force and chose teaching as a career. She knew children from her teaching and from what she came home to every day of her life.

Watching her live as I grew up and learning more about her baby (my brother) dying, I learned that even though you love your children, you hang on to their father and your marriage. No one gets through parenting without grieving. Hopefully it isn't a child's death, but death of a close friend, your child's first heart break, that first bad report card, and numerous other disappointments. Grieving is easier if you don't have to do it alone. Mostly, she taught me that no matter what I ever did, it wouldn't be bad enough to be rejected by her. Mistakes were an opportunity to teach natural consequences. She got angry alright, but she forgave and let go. Her ability to let go helped her leave this earth when it was her time, and I doubt she ever looked back. Once again, she was following my dad.

A family was struck with a tragedy in Houston this past week. A mother who had been depressed for some time killed her two month old baby. The details are complicated and will have to be sorted out for the next two weeks, but the baby is dead and mom is in jail without bail. A family lost a son, grandson, and brother. Although it is not known exactly what type of depression the mother suffered after the birth of her baby (postpartum depression or postpartum depression and psychosis), she did murder her baby and was suffering for some time with depression.

Baby blues is very common and many women have this after a baby. The blues usually consists of being tired and overwhelmed, lack of sleep, and missing your old life. They come and go within a couple of days after the baby, and they are mild. Many women report feeling this and it is usually due to the changes in your lifestyle caused by a baby's presence. Both mom and dad can feel a bit blue, but it is usually more characteristic for mom, and completely normal.

When baby blues grows more intense or lasts longer than two weeks, we get more concerned with postpartum depression. Postpartum depression does not go away and you need to seek assistance. Your family doctor is a good place to start. A doctor may want to run several tests before referring you to a psychiatrist because many times illnesses may also be present with depression. A psychiatrist will then evaluate your symptoms and request information from you regarding your family history. Many times, when women get postpartum depression they come from a family that has depression or they personally have suffered from depression in the past. The symptoms for postpartum depression are as follows, and they have gone on for more than two weeks and have intensified:

1. Feeling restless or moody.
2. Feeling sad, hopeless, and over whelmed.
3. Crying a lot.
4. Having no energy or motivation.
5. Eating too much or too little.
6. Sleeping too little or too much.
7. Having trouble focusing or making decisions.
8. Feeling worthless or guilty.
9. Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy.
10. Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don't go away.
11. Having unrealistic feelings like you have to be perfect or you are failing.
12. Loss of who you were before the baby or beginning to feel less attractive.

Postpartum depression can be caused by many things after the birth of your baby. It may be brought on by the stress of caring for the new baby or dealing with money issues, a bad marriage, or simply anxiety about life. Hormonal changes after the pregnancy can trigger depression. Medical problems can cause postpartum depression. During the postpartum stage, women are vulnerable. It is a stressful time and although everyone is excited about the new life, it is difficult to be enthusiastic if you are lacking sleep, feeling stressed, or constantly in a state of anxiety. If you are concerned about the mother of your child or your friend who just had a baby, these are possible ways for you to help. Dads especially have a big responsibility during the postpartum time. If there are signs of depression, you are usually the first to know. If you are concerned, ask her if she is considering harming herself or the baby. She will not be offended and you will not put the idea in her head. You will give her a sense of relief that you understand how difficult this time is for her, and you are there to help her rather than judge her.

Ways to help the new mom if you are worried about her being depressed:

 

1. Make a doctor's appointment and go with her. Have someone babysit the baby so you can help tell the doctor what you are seeing. When women are depressed they become confused and may lose their memory. Having you there to discuss her condition with the doctor will help to reassure her and will provide a more complete history.
2. Help her to find time to sleep as much as possible. When a new mom doesn't get the sleep she needs, she becomes irritable and moody. We all need sleep to revitalize ourselves. It is impossible to care for a newborn if you cannot find the time to rest your own body.
3. If the doctor puts her on medication, make sure she is taking the right dosage. Lack of sleep and depression can lead to memory lapses and she may forget to take the medicine.
4. The best treatment for depression is medication and counseling. A counselor will add emotional support for her and help her make a plan to take care of herself as well as the baby. She may want you to attend counseling with her. This can be invaluable when dealing with postpartum depression.
5. Hire someone to care for the baby or ask a family member to help at least a couple of hours a day so your wife can get out of the house and meet with friends. Many women will not do this unless it is prescribed or set up. They feel guilty when taking time for themselves. Sharing with other moms how you are feeling is not only healing, it is necessary (one of the first symptoms of depression is social isolation).
6. Reassure your wife or friend that even if she is suffering from postpartum depression, she is still a good mom. Depression is a mental illness, it is not her fault. Tell her how much you respect that she was brave enough to go to the doctor and engage in counseling. These are both signs that she is putting the needs of her baby first by taking care of herself.
7. Lastly, if you believe your wife or friend is depressed and she will not get the care she needs, make sure the baby is safe with someone and take her to the emergency room or call 911. You may think it is over-reacting, but depression does kill and you cannot re-think your decision if she hurts herself or her baby.

Postpartum depression is real and it does happen. The best time to understand the symptoms and have a plan is before the birth of your child. Couples who talk about this prior to the birth of their baby are more comfortable talking and sharing if they feel depressed after the birth. Be proactive. If you are a new mom or soon to be mom, talk to your husband or partner now regarding baby blues and postpartum depression. The life you save may be yours or your baby.

When you find that special someone after a sad, bitter divorce or the death of a spouse you may think of blending your family with joy and high expectations. Your enthusiasm may not spill over onto your new children. They may feel left out and uncertain about the changes that are going to occur. Chances are high they may also still be wishing you and their mom or dad could work it out. They may feel guilt and anger about your happiness. Before you take this next step, remember these three tips:

• Be realistic. This is a process and it will not happen overnight. Most families report things improving and moving in a positive manner after one or two years.
• Be patient. You chose this new person to love. Your kids did not. Most likely, your kids didn't know these new kids they were going to be blending with. Don't expect them to share a house, possibly their room, as well as their parent easily.
• Be tolerant. Everyone warms up to others in their own way and in their own time. Pick your battles wisely, know when to insist and when to let go (your new spouse may be able to help with this, out of ear shot of the children).

You love your new spouse, but you may not love his or her children. Stay away from assuming and making expectations for these children and your ability to bond with them that will never come true. Books and magazines make blended families look glamorous, but it is more likely that they take a lot of effort to make them work. To grow up secure and healthy, kids need parents who understand several key points:

• They need to feel loved and connected. Remember, you are not their original parent, so make sure you not demanding the child's parent at all times. If the child feels left out but cannot express this, they most likely will ACT OUT. The child may still be suffering from the divorce or death of a parent, and this will make them needier of their parents' attention.
• Your stepchild will want your love but, as much as possible, give it on their terms. It is always best to let the child know you are there but not to force yourself on them.
• A child needs limits and boundaries. Let the child's biological parent set these and enforce them. If you have suggestions to make in regards to boundaries and limits do it behind closed doors with your spouse, when the child is not present.
• A child thrives if they feel valued and respected. They need to feel that they contribute to the family and that means you take their concerns into consideration. It is a good idea to have a suggestion box and have family members place ideas in the box (no name on suggestions). Make Friday night a pizza night and go through the suggestions. Value them, and try to put at least one of the suggestions into practice. This will give the child/children a sense that this family is fair and values its members.
• A child needs to feel protected and secure. Let your child know where you will be. They need time to transition to the new rules and their new room. Let them know they can always talk to you. Also encourage them when you see them joining or engaging in their new family. Tell them you know it is very difficult for them, but you really appreciate their efforts. Kids like to please their parents, even when they wish things were different.

Currently in the United States, more than one third of all children will be part of a step family by the time they are 18 years of age. Blending a family is an opportunity for you and your spouse to practice being flexible, patient, and tolerant of others and their differences. It is also an opportunity to work through issues and model healthy communication for two new families of children. If you see problems heading your way, make sure you talk about them together and privately before they become insurmountable. Children can learn and grow through a divorce and a second marriage. A second divorce for a child may destroy trust and faith in marriage (and possibly in you).

Studies show that one out of every two marriages will end in divorce. There are many reasons for this, but one of the main culprits is that when things change in the relationship (such as having children) couples forget to adjust and prioritize. Your marriage has to take top priority if you want it to withstand the test of children. When you have children you must let go of the concept of having everything planned. Learn to take advantage of spontaneous times, such as naptime. This is a perfect time to leave the dishes in the sink or the dirty laundry. Instead, grab your spouse and make the most of your extra moments.

3 Reasons Intimacy Dies After Children

• It is difficult for women to value their role as a lover as much as being a mother. Making this transition is very difficult. Society values motherhood much more than they do a wife or a lover. One thing you can do to ease this transition is to be careful not to call your partner "daddy" or "mommy." Call them by the same name or pet name you always did. Once you begin to label your spouse as mommy or daddy it is difficult for you to think of them as your lover, and you begin to value their parent role more than their role as your lover or spouse.
• The routine of being a parent can get in the way of spending time with your spouse. When you have a child you begin to work together and most of your day (and night) is consumed with the kids. Soon sex and intimacy may become routine—done in the same room, the same way, or both people are too exhausted to have sex. Try making love in a different room or at a different time when the kids are out of the house. Call your spouse at work and surprise them once in awhile by flirting again.  Date night has to be on your calendar once a week, and try to have at least one weekend away every 4 to 6 weeks.
• Couples tend to forget how special their spouse is to them, and taking each other for granted happens to most couples. You don't need to get stuck here though. When you find yourself taking the other spouse for granted it's time to recognize it and do something about it—a favorite meal, dessert, or a kiss when you come home with a simple, "what would I do without you?"  This makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Don't wait to get that special treatment, rather, focus on giving it.

Life is about balance and many couples become panicked when they feel like they are losing the intimacy in their marriage. The most wonderful aspect of this it that it is POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK! Life presents many occasions in our lives where we are out of balance. Don't scare yourself if you haven't had sex for a couple of weeks. Simply sit down with your partner and identify steps you can each take to get it back. Divorce is almost 100% avoidable, but it does take awareness and action on your part. Below are a few more tips to help you get your intimacy back on track.

• Make the bedroom your haven. I know when your little cherub comes in at night and says they had a bad dream and asks if they can sleep with you it is easier to let them crawl in—but don't. That night will turn into every night. Pick them up, comfort them, and take them back to bed. Tell them you are keeping everything safe and no one will hurt them. Promise them you will check on them later to make sure they are okay.
• Babysitting does not have to cost money. Talk with your friends and begin taking turns babysitting. This prevents you from paying a sitter for your date night and secures another mom or dad that you can trust. If you cannot do this then talk to your parents or siblings to see if they would be willing to babysit once a week so you can go out for that crucial date night.
• Talk about your sex life with your partner; it's important to have a plan. Make sure you schedule sex on a specific night. Preparing for sex can be so much fun and gives both people something to look forward to. Couples who schedule sex have more sex. Couples who have more sex want more sex.
• Take your time with foreplay. Foreplay should begin before anything else; it is "before-play."  If you have date nights planned beginning at 8p.m., then get the sitter or take the kids to Grandma's at 7p.m. to have that time for yourself to get in the mood to feel sexy and transition from your mom/dad role.

For a long while we have told ourselves myths that children do okay in a mediocre marriage between their parents. But now we know kids thrive and do better when their mom and dad maintain their own love separate from the kids. Nourishing your marriage is the BEST THING you can do for your children.

It was inevitable, women kept going to school (at present more women are going to college than men), stopped getting married young to have children (women are at present taking less time off from their careers to have children and care for them), and now four out of ten women earn more than their husbands. Let us not forget that even though women are making more money than before, we still earn, overall, 77.9 cents for every dollar earned by men.

Women who are in primary bread winning roles in their family are on their own. They are reinventing a family life very different from the one in which they grew up. Many couples find the need to redefine their roles and they may feel more comfortable if these roles remain traditional. In reality, there is no way a woman can (or should) imagine she can work a twelve hour day and come home to face kids and laundry. This leads to a stress in the marriage and a breakdown in communication between husband and wife. Many couples look for the solution to who will do what? It sounds easy, "you take the trash out and I will wash the dishes." If men are not working outside the home, or are the house dad at home, they may cling to the more traditional male roles as a way to continue their masculine self-image. These feelings may not be rational at times, but honoring them may be marriage saving. In several studies, men whose wives earned more than they did actually withdrew and isolated themselves from chores unless the more traditional roles were established. This may be due to him needing to feel like the head of the home, or it could be his wife needs these traditional roles so she can feel like she has a man who does manly chores.

Men with working wives take on more housework than men with stay at home moms. However, they still lag behind by five hours a week. In families with small children, the gap becomes even wider with women spending 17 more hours per week than men on household chores.

If you are in a family where you earn more than your husband, or your wife earns more than you, these suggestions may help ease the transitions of who does what. After all, the important thing is that the chores get done.

1.  You are in it together.
   How much you earn is not the issue. The issue is who is going to do what to keep the family together. You will have a less stressful marriage if you work it together. Organize a weekly calendar and put it up in a central location. Let the kids pitch in too. Everyone has to work together to keep the family happy and healthy. Do not let yourself get caught up in who does more, or who makes more. You are both contributing to the same goal (a happy, healthy marriage and family).
2.  How much you make should not prevent you from doing your fair share at home.
   Boasting that you make more money and therefore your spouse should do more is not a good idea if you want a healthy marriage. No matter if your partner makes $26,000 a year and you make $150,000 a year, both of you are still working 40 hours a week and contributing. Most likely, you both have the same amount of free time. Demeaning your partner's job and elevating yours is a sign of arrogance, not a cooperative partner. Make a schedule that gives each of you some playtime, and also time for chores that need to be done.
3. Don't forget date time.
   Most of us work at our jobs to better our families and our situation. We cannot work without taking time away. This time away with your spouse is so important. Many times couples fight when they are stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It is not about the chores or family income that precipitates divorce. It is a loss of connectedness to one's spouse. All the money in the world will not matter unless the person you are married to loves you and wants to share their life with you. Take the time to get away and let go of chores and other demands. They will be there when you get home.
4. Socialize with other couples with the same lifestyle as yours.
   Socializing with other couples lowers your blood pressure and your risk of heart attacks. Get out with your spouse and enjoy laughing and sharing dinner with friends. Couples who play together really do share chores and work together more effectively.
5. The recession is impacting men's jobs more than women's.
   My daughter's professor calls the recession the mancession. More men have been affected by the recession with layoffs and cuts than women. Therefore, just because you do earn more than your hubby, it does not mean you are better or more qualified. Be grateful you have a job no matter how much you make, and celebrate his job or what he is able to accomplish at home. Men derive self-esteem and self worth by the work they do. Losing their job is much more difficult for a man to deal with than it is for a woman. Your man may need your support and assurance that he is still the "man" of the house no matter who brings home the bacon.

I came from a home where my mother was more educated and earned more than my father. He worked nights at a menial job and earned half of her salary. They worked together, and they were able to hold us children accountable for doing chores so we could survive. My dad was my primary caretaker during the day. The guy slept about 4 hours at night (from the time my mother came home to the time he went to the graveyard shift). They raised nine children. I evaluate every man by my father's strong, sensitive, nurturing abilities. A man's (and woman's worth) can never be judged by what they earn.

I work at the Methodist Weight Management program. It is not uncommon for women to tell me they became morbidly obese after they got married. In fact many women will recite that they were thin until the birth of their first baby. They are frustrated and do not understand what happened. Many of these women feel guilty because they believe it is the way they eat or not enough exercise. Certainly behavior changes do contribute to weight gain, but maybe it has more to do with the couple and what they are doing together that leads to weight gain for the wife?

Annette J. Dobson, a professor of biostatistics at the University of Queensland in Australia reported that adjusting for other variables on average a woman who weighs 140 pounds who has a partner whether she lives with him or is married to him gains up to 20lbs in ten years if she has a baby, 15 pounds if there is no baby and no partner she gains only 11 pounds.  The number of women with a baby but no partner was too small of a sample size to draw statistically significant conclusions (link to the NY Times Article).

Scientists cannot come up with a reason to believe that having a partner would cause metabolic changes so they are lead to believe that the weight gain among the childless women with partners must be caused by behavioral changes. The weight gain seemed to be steady during the whole 10 year study so whatever behaviors they were changing just kept getting more constant.

This study was done with 6,000 Australian women over a ten year period which ended in 2006. It was difficult studying such a large group over that period of time. By the end of the study more than half of the women had college degrees and about three quarters had partners and half had had at least one baby. Almost all the weight gain happened with the first baby, while subsequent births had little effect. Also by the end of the study there were fewer smokers and risky drinkers than at the beginning. There were fewer women exercising and less of them were working outside the home. But even after adjusting for all of these factors and more, the difference in weight gain among women with and without babies and among women with and without partners remained. This study included only women but the researchers cited one earlier study that showed an increase in obesity among men who had children, adding evidence that behavior changes occur to both partners. Healthy and unhealthy lifestyles affect both men and women.

How to prevent or minimize weight gain as a couple:

1. Get into an exercise program and do it every day (consistency is the key). Don’t focus on the amount of time; try to take mini intense workouts. Walking very fast for 10 minutes is better than walking slow for 20. No time to exercise? Fit walking in whenever you can.
2. When you go out to eat, watch portions. If your husband weighs 200 pounds and is 6 feet and you are 5 feet 2 inches and weigh 140 you should not be eating the same amount of food he does. Cut down half of the portion the restaurant brings you.
3. As much as possible do not eat after 7 p.m. in the evening.
4. Have sex frequently. I don’t know why it works, but it does for burning calories. It also will help with your body image which will help you control your appetite.
5. Pamper yourself with things other than food. Most of what I do at my job is to teach people alternative behaviors to relieve stress that don’t include food.

As couples become comfortable in a relationship they may develop the attitude that they don’t need to stay slim anymore. This is not only untrue but it is dangerous. Most diseases are worsened or precipitated by weight gain. Instead of using food as a measure of comfort couples would be wise to use a new measure such as hugs, snuggling, or massages. In the New Year make it a goal to find a new activity you can do as a couple that doesn’t involve eating.

As a parent we have to engage in many unpleasant and difficult situations. It’s the tough talks that are remembered many times by our children. Explaining death is one of those topics. Our children are exposed to many concepts of death each day. Listen to the news, or watch cartoons in the morning and you will find yourself astonished by all the violence and references to death. Our children have become somewhat desensitized by death until it happens to a pet, a family member or a national disaster such as what recently happened at Fort Hood.

Situations with a pet’s death or nature’s display of a baby bird dead on the sidewalk can be an open opportunity to talk with your child. You must remember that your child sees these incidences in concrete terms. Birds belong in the nest and hamsters stay in a cage. The child thinks this is the way it is, and when they see something out of the ordinary (a dead bird) they feel sad, and they also get somewhat anxious about what to anticipate next.

Part of your child’s concrete thinking is their “magical thinking”. They may feel like they will see the animal or loved one the next day. They cannot understand heaven and may think it unusual that a loved animal or family member went there without saying goodbye or taking them along. Just as you teach your child how to brush their teeth and tie their shoes you must teach them how to grieve. Creating a scrap book or looking for old photos of your child with this loved animal or love person will help them feel the sadness so they can move on without guilt or shame. Many parents see their child crying and discourage their reaction. This is actually harmful, and although it difficult to watch your child cry and not be able to fix the situation it is important to allow your child to express their sadness and grieve.

Children watch their parents and they learn how to react to death. If a parent cries freely and is still able to remember happy times with the loved person or pet the child learns it is okay to cry and feel sad but it is also okay to be joyful even though the person or animal they loved has died. Funerals are sad, and your child has little experience with them. It is wise to help your child prepare for what they may see or hear. If your child is very upset it may be wise to include them with other family gatherings but not the funeral itself. Talk with your child about it. Many times they know what will be best for them and never pressure them into doing something in which they are afraid to participate. It may be helpful for you to give the child something from the loved one. This will allow your child to have something tangible to hold onto and by which to remember the loved one. For example a watch, or a favorite scarf from the loved one, or a collar or water dish from a pet that died will help your child let go in their own time.

Seeing a parent upset is very difficult for a child. They want to make you feel better. They may not express their own sadness as a way of protecting you. If you begin to notice your child is depressed, irritable, unable to sleep, has a change in appetite, fatigued or excessively active, begins having increased fears with other events, your child may be suffering from delayed grief. This is a good time to talk with your child. Tell them you are noticing these changes and encourage them to go with you to talk with a professional counselor. Both you and your child can use this time as an opportunity to get closer, which is a wonderful way to celebrate the life of the loved person or pet that died.

MJo