When I get a call from a Urologist to refer a patient suffering erectile dysfunction, my mind typically sees a 50 plus year old gentleman. Recently this image in my mind is being replaced with a 20 plus year old that is addicted to internet porn. Viewing porn has been around for some time, but it has never been as accessible 24 hours a day to the majority of men. Women also view internet porn, but not to the same extent. Women aren’t as visual as men when it comes to sex. A clean dishwasher, red pumps or an expensive handbag is more likely to turn women on.

Marnia Robinson, a former corporate lawyer, reported in “Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction” that low libido (which is now happening to men in their twenties) is caused by continuous over-stimulation of dopamine, the same neurotransmitter that activates the body’s reaction to sexual pleasure by repeatedly viewing pornography on the Internet. This causes men to become desensitized to normal stimuli, and they need increasingly extreme experiences to become sexually aroused.  Most of the young men I see never believed this could be a problem with Internet porn. In fact, the majority of them see me after seeing their Urologist only to hear that everything checks out normal. Although their testosterone and other health measures may be normal, the fact that they cannot achieve an erection is not normal. They suffer from an addiction and like all addictions, denial of the problem, and continuing to use the “vice” keeps it in place.

Internet porn addicts differ from porn addicts in that they don’t frequent strip clubs, and adult bookstores; rather, they isolate themselves while engaging in their addiction. They can spend hours or even lose days looking at Internet porn. Therefore, it is likely they are in a loveless marriage, or not dating. Their addiction takes over their life totally.

The most common signs and symptoms of an Internet porn addiction are listed below from a book titled, “The Porn Trap:”

• Using the Internet for hours with or without breaks
• Becoming more anxious or depressed
• They ignore friends, family, or personal responsibility
• They lie about spending time on the Internet and what they are doing while on the Internet
• They become irritable when Internet use is disrupted
• They anticipate when they may be able to use the Internet again

If you are in a relationship with someone addicted to Internet porn, you will notice they want less sex with you, seem to lack interest, and withdraw intimacy with you in many ways. They prefer spending time alone, and in the case of marriage, they withdraw from “family times” more and more.

There is a way out of addiction to Internet porn, but like any addiction, beginning is easier than quitting. These three suggestions are the best place to begin:

1. Cure depends mostly on the addict’s ability to see the problem. Knowing you have a problem is the first step to improving your life. If you are trying to help your partner give up Internet porn, try not to accuse harshly, but rather work with them at setting stronger boundaries. Just as with smokers or drinkers, the first time doesn’t always work with quitting.

2. Whenever you quit something that has been your main vice, you will have lots of extra time on your hands. During that time you are not calm, but incredibly anxious, depressed, feeling flu-like and impulsive. Trying to quit an Internet porn addiction without being enrolled in a support group will be less effective. When you are feeling at your weakest, being able to call a sponsor who has been there and done that is reassuring and helpful in making sure you stay away from Internet/phone porn.

3. Explore new healthy coping mechanisms to help you deal with stress, anger, boredom, depression, and life. This is done most effectively with the help of a counselor or treatment center. Counselors and treatment centers work as a team to help make you stronger, since being isolated with your addiction is the worst thing you can do. 

What may have begun innocently with a group of friends, can turn into a monster; isolating you from everyone, especially the one you love the most. At that point it is important that you shut off your phone, close your lap top, and take a good honest look at your life. The addicted mind will tell you all sorts of lies. When you believe your own lies, the addiction has conquered you. Having an erectile dysfunction at the age of twenty five or thirty because you cannot get turned on normally with your wife or girlfriend is not normal. For the health of it, get help. 

I work as an intimacy and relationship counselor with urologists and internists, who often see patients due to erectile dysfunction. Frequently, I see couples who worry about erectile dysfunction when the changes they are experiencing are completely normal. Aging, stress, and intimacy conflicts can all hinder achieving an erection. Erectile drugs, such as Viagra and Cialis, have made it easy to achieve an erection; however, medications may mask a problem that shouldn’t be ignored.

Many people medicate a symptom, such as an inability to achieve an erection, before understanding the underlying problem. Medical illnesses, such as diabetes, vascular disease, or urological and neurological conditions, can also cause erectile dysfunction. Heavy smokers and drinkers may suffer extensive damage to the small blood vessels, which include those in the penis. For many men, erectile dysfunction includes a combination of physical and psychological factors. If you address your diabetes, but don’t get help with the resentment you feel toward your partner, the penis is not going to perform to your satisfaction no matter what medication you use.  Men are dating later in life and, with dating, there is pressure on performance. Sometimes it is easy to become panicked or anxious when the penis doesn’t perform up to par. Below are common worries that men have, that may be signs of aging, anxiety, stress, and intimacy conflict rather than actual erectile dysfunction.

1. You no longer get an erection just from thinking about sex or seeing your partner in a seductive pose. For men over 40, this is quite common from time to time.
2. You need direct stimulation to get erect.
3. It takes longer for you to achieve an erection (this may be more pleasing to your partner).
4. Your erection is not as hard as it was when you were a teen or in your early twenties.
5. You need more recovery time after ejaculation (this changes with each passing year), and after ejaculation your erection subsides much quicker than it did when you were younger.

The partner plays a large role for the man who worries about erectile dysfunction. Reminding him that you love him and still enjoy intimacy together helps reassure him that he is still your lover and able to please you. Complaining that “all he thinks about is sex” is not only thoughtless, but sends him the direct message that he is being silly or superficial to be so concerned about his ability to feel like a man. If your man struggles with erectile dysfunction, these three tips may help improve the situation and reassure him of your love and desire for him:

1. Encourage him to make an appointment with an urologist and offer to go with him. Sometimes men want to do this on their own and, as their partner, you should honor that.
2. Make sure you save time each day to talk with him, and begin talking about exploring new options. The fact that most couples only know how to have sex one or two ways puts more pressure on the man. If he knows there are many ways to please you and if you remain open to new ideas, it will help both of you and your relationship.
3. Stress is highly correlated with erectile dysfunction, as is obesity. Movement every day can help alleviate both of these. Begin a walking program where you walk one to two miles each day. This is also a wonderful way to converse and enjoy each other’s company.

Erectile dysfunction is a real condition, but so are aging, stress, conflict, and anxiety. A medication may help relieve the symptoms of ED, but addressing the issues behind the condition may help cure it. Sex is important; it’s healthy and it is good for the marriage. Reassuring your partner that you are a team and will work with them is part of the cure.