I hate divorce. It’s a fact I have to live with though, because I am a relationship psychotherapist and some marriages have to end. I think divorce is a lot like marriage in that you don’t really know what you’re getting into, until you’re midway in and then it’s too late to turn back…so you just keep going, feeling, and living. I have a dear friend going through a divorce they didn’t want. It’s painful to watch, to listen to, and for my friend, I am sure it is the most painful to experience. I’m going to be seeing my friend soon, and this was the short note I received about the status of the divorce.

Dear Mary Jo, Our divorce might be final by then. We communicate through our lawyers right now. I'm just completely speechless by the way my spouse (ex) manages to turn around and live life as if I had never been part of it! It's this rejection which hurts most….. Love your friend….ML

I keep thinking there is a better way, but for the life of me, how does one turn things around to make the pain stop? An annulment is not the answer any more than pretending something which existed didn’t. Mediation comes closest to helping a divorce end with some sort of workable relationship still intact, and I think it is the best idea for children involved to be able to love both their parents without being quizzed or made to feel guilty. It’s the prevention of divorce I would like to offer…but we have very few tools to work with. The one tool we have that actually has the biggest impact toward helping marriages survive is premarital counseling, but most couples prefer the huge wedding and expensive celebration in lieu of money better spent on making sure they will be compatible for more than three years. It’s frustrating for those of us in the field and for those involved with a divorce they didn’t want.

More and more research is coming out in the marital area. Something most of us in the field would never have promoted is making an impact on marriage survival. In the past, if one of the partners were against marital therapy, the other who wanted to go would suffer in silence. Now we have good evidence that if one of the partners goes to therapy and shares the homework and talks about the therapy with their partner, the marriage actually begins improving. Below are the new rules for marriage therapy on your own. It may not be as ideal as the couple going….but as long as the couple wants to save the marriage, and both are willing to work at the marriage by completing homework assignments, it can be a positive step in the right direction. Before you invest, make sure you do your homework up front. Here are suggestions to consider up front according to Dr. Howard Markman, a Psychologist and the study’s lead researcher:

1. Find a therapist who will engage with you, but understands you are trying to improve your marriage. The therapist must be willing to see you alone, but work on the relationship.
2. Talk to your partner about why they don’t want to go. Do they feel the marriage is hopeless, or are they uncomfortable with therapy? Does your partner still believe the marriage will work? If you go alone, the marriage problems must be transparent. If your spouse is still lying, cheating or abusive, this method will most likely fail. 
3. Understand your goal is not to change your partner, but rather to gain insight into the dysfunctional pattern established and your role in it.
4. Invite your partner to come with you, but don’t coerce them. It is better if they attend when and if they are ready to join you. Using shame or guilt will backfire if used on your spouse.
5. Share all homework, articles, and books suggested. Spouses who began learning together were each improved the same, and their marriage did too, according to the research.

No matter who goes into therapy, there is a premise that couples need to understand and embrace. That premise of marriage is that you cannot change another person. The only person you can ever change is you, and you accomplish that by changing your reactions. The fault of a broken marriage has two names, HIS and HERS (same sex marriages His and His or Hers and Hers).

Couples reach out at all times in their marriage for marital counseling. Perhaps the worst time is when there is an impending divorce date on the calendar. Beginning marital therapy with an impending divorce date is the epitome of procrastination and many times won’t be successful. If you have an impending date, you have already told your partner with actions that you do not believe the marriage can be salvaged. It’s analogous to a dieter who joins weight watchers for the first time but also stops on the way to the meeting for a bag of chips. You have sabotaged yourself before you get started.

A divorce or separation doesn’t just happen; it takes years. In fact, the mean is seven years plus or minus two to create a divorce. Conflict resolution is always more effective when you deal with it right away. Many couples let things go, thinking they will resolve themselves, and sometimes they do. However, if the same problem keeps occurring, it is a good time to intervene. Faulty patterns established in order to resolve a situation make their way into the marriage without intervention. These faulty patterns bring a temporary solution, but they are usually not healthy or well thought out. Alcohol, drugs, eating, withdrawing, yelling, shopping and emotional affairs could be considered temporary solutions. It is the temporary solution rather than the marriage that is problematic. The temporary solution is also why the divorce is impending.

Couples may say the reason they don’t get help with their marriage is because their partner won’t go to therapy. The newest research is supporting that if one partner goes to marital therapy, the marriage will improve. The research is more positive if the woman goes by herself, and this may be for several reasons including that the majority of divorces are initiated by the woman. During therapy, the couple learns that it is not their partner who needs to change but themselves. Changing your reaction changes everything.

If you find yourself with an impending divorce date, and you both aren’t sure if you really want to go through with it, you do have options. Below are 5 suggestions you should consider prior to calling a therapist for help.

1. Talk to your spouse and tell them directly you do not want a divorce. Ask them if they are willing to work on the marriage. Be clear, don’t hint.
2. Postpone the court date that you have scheduled for your divorce.
3. Each of you should write down three weaknesses about yourself that makes it difficult for your partner to love you.
4. Each of you should write down five reasons you believe the marriage can make it.
5. Whichever one of you initiated the divorce should consider beginning therapy on your own first and then finding a couples counselor. This does not have to be the same counselor, and often is not since the couples counselor must be fair at all times and not show favoritism. If you have a relationship with a therapist, it may be difficult for the therapist to be objective with the two of you.

If you go to couples counseling with temporary solutions before the marriage becomes destructive, it is highly likely you will be successful at enhancing your marital communication. The worst time to begin therapy is with an impending divorce date; however, personally, I would rather have a couple seek help at any time rather than walk away from their marriage.

*These suggestions are not meant for abusive marriages. In the case of abuse, leave the marriage; protect yourself and your children.

I’m in the divorce generation. I know so many people that have gotten divorced, remarried and divorced again. It’s interesting what people say when they talk about their divorce. They focus on the fighting, the betrayals, and the lonely nights. Rarely do they ever talk about the kids. If they do, they may mention, “Well, the kids are better off without the fighting.” I understand why they say this. If I were divorced, I would probably want to say the same thing, but I can’t. I can’t because it isn’t true. Kids would do anything to help their parents stay together in most cases. Abuse is an exception to all of these rules. If there is abuse, you have to get out, no questions asked. Just leave. Keep you and your kids safe.

One of the reasons parents say that the kids are better off is because they are given only two options, “Do you want mommy and daddy to live together and fight, or would you rather we live apart and not fight?” The child may say, “I want you to live together and not fight.” It is at this time, the child is much wiser than the parents. The child is presenting a third option that the parents are blind to in their rage or unhappiness. The child understands that there are more options than fighting and splitting or living together and being miserable. Parents will tell me at the point prior to divorce they have explored other options, but they just cannot work it out. I don’t believe that either. I think one or both parents have decided they love someone else, don’t want the fuss of a demanding partner anymore, or they have decided the therapist isn’t helpful and their marriage is over.

No matter where you are in your marriage, I do want you to know the truth about your children and divorce. It hurts them. It hurts a child more for parents to divorce than it does if one of the parents died.  There is a study that has been going on for eighty years by a gentleman at Stanford University named Lewis Terman. Terman began the study in 1921 and it continues. Psychology Today featured an article about divorce and kids from Terman’s study. The children in the study (some of them old adults now) died five years earlier on average than kids from intact families. The death of a parent did not show this result, nor were the kids as stressed with parental death as they were with parental divorce.

We have so many ways of talking to ourselves to make life more acceptable. Some days, denial is necessary for us to be able to get out of bed in the morning. Denial is a defense mechanism, and with divorce and its pain, denial helps numb us so we can carry on. Denial can also be harmful if it prevents us from making wise, often times difficult choices. If your marriage is going badly, and denial keeps it going badly, then you better wake up before it’s too late. Your kids are watching, they are stressed, and getting a divorce is not one of the options you should begin with.

There are reasons divorce is so stressful for kids. Here are a few.

1. Kids don’t have control over death or divorce, but with divorce they personalize it more and believe that if they had done better or more, their parents would still love each other. Death doesn’t take away daddy’s love for mom, or mom’s love for daddy, divorce does. No matter what you tell your child, they believe this.
2. Kids understand eventually that death is final. Divorce is never final. Parents can choose to love one another again or work things out. I have had forty year olds tell me they wish their parents could get back together.  
3. Kids feel unloved when mommy or daddy choose a new partner. A divorce tells your child that one of their parents loved someone else or a different life more than they loved them. Again, it doesn’t matter what you tell your child, on the contrary, actions are louder than words.
4. Kids get more attention and love if a parent dies than they do if it’s a divorce. In the case of a divorce, the child’s grief is confusing. The child may still see both parents, but one of the parents is no longer present in the child’s concept of their family. The child may end up feeling guilty, ashamed, and angry. Many times, kids will use these feelings to manipulate the new living arrangements after a divorce. This increases the guilt and anger for the child.

I wish there were some magical way I could prevent kids from going through a divorce, but unfortunately I cannot. We are all vulnerable to divorce, which is another reason we have to be attentive to our relationships. If you are having difficulty in your marriage, and you want to make changes before it becomes insurmountable, here are three ideas I think are a great place to begin.

1. Talk to your spouse about how you FEEL. Use I words, not you, never, always or should.
2. If you are religious, I would suggest you begin by talking to someone in your church who counsels parishioners. Many reverends have been trained in counseling, and they can help you spiritually step back, and rethink the situation.
3. Psychotherapy is so helpful, but it’s expensive. You may want to begin with a marital retreat. Some of the best retreats are listed on a website called www.smartmarriages.com. This can help you get started.

Kids who grow up in an unhealthy marriage have more stress, more illnesses due to the stress, and more emotional pain due to the stress. If you cannot make your marriage better for yourself, please work on a healthy marriage for your kids and their kids to come. All marriages require work and they are all imperfect at times, just like life. Marriage is a lifestyle, not a means to an end. It is a work in progress.

Study after study is shedding light on the perils of dropping out of high school. Besides not being able to make a reasonable living, own your own home, and have a comfortable retirement, you also may never be able to find time to get married. It is projected that within one or two years, less than half of the U.S. adult population will be married. This fact has social implications. The steady decrease in marriage rates is not only changing family values but it is contributing to the family’s economic inequality.

The Pew Research Center reports that in 1960 nearly three-fourths of adults eighteen and older were married. By 2010, that number was down to fifty-one percent. What is perhaps more disturbing is that four out of ten babies are born to unmarried women. In 1960, it made no difference if you were educated or not. Your chances of being married were the same. Now, nearly two-thirds of college graduates are married as compared to less than half of those with a high school diploma or less. The less education you have, the less likely you are to marry, and the more likely you will divorce if you do marry.

What came first? Did couples who weren’t educated choose not to be married because they didn’t want the additional financial burden? Or do people who quit school do so due to their parents’ marital stress they witness as children, leaving them feeling isolated, alone and as if no one cares? Is quitting school at fifteen a better option if they can find a job and get out of a chaotic home? There are so many questions with the Pew Research Center results, and people in the field of saving as well as promoting marriage and healthy families are trying to come up with solutions. It’s imperative that we do something as a society because we know that being raised in a stable, two-parent household is a strong predictor of educational achievement. Taking that one step further, educational achievement does predict your lifetime income.

There is another change that researchers in the field are finding. In our parent’s generation, men and women married down or up at an equal level. Now couples are marrying who share degrees or levels of education. Women are going to college and getting advanced degrees at a higher rate than ever before. The higher educated couples are so much better off financially than the single parents or the couples without education. But couples at the lower end of the economic ladder are having more kids. These kids are growing up with one parent and no money. The cycle is sure to worsen if we don’t do something about it now.

Cohabitation is different among the educated as well. Among the college or advanced degree couples, co-habitation is more likely a stepping-stone after engagement to be married. With the uneducated, co-habitation is often the end of the road. Sometimes they will co-habitat in an effort to save money for a wedding and a residence. However, children may be born into this lifestyle more likely than not and a recent report from Smartmarriages.com reported that three-fourths of children born into co-habitation see their parents split up by the age of twelve. Those are bad odds for kids. Those are bad odds for us as a society. 

There is no one solution to this problem. In a fantasy world, we would mandate that every child finish high school and get some sort of higher education after high school. We would teach boys and girls to focus on their careers, and tutor them as well as their parents if they began falling behind. We would mandate every parent to get an education prior to bringing another baby into the world. But we don’t live in a fantasy world; this complicated problem will require many experts to become involved. As an expert in relationships, I think it all goes back to the parents. Parents have to be parents again. We need to quit thinking the government is more responsible than we are, and we need to quit relying on the government to give us stuff, and begin working toward the betterment of our own lives and the lives of our children. Below are a few suggestions that can begin to help turn the next generation around:

1.     Before you ever have a child, have a secure relationship. Do not have a child in a co-habitation lifestyle. No one benefits.

2.     Before you marry, get pre-marital counseling. It is more worth your money than anything I can think of.

3.     If you are married and have no money, take a few classes at a time (there is free money out there, but you have to talk to the institution about eligibility). Education is the liberator of your situation. Don’t waste your time begging, stealing, or blaming. Put that energy into reading, learning, and writing.

4.     If you grew up with abuse, and you are using that as a reason why you cannot go to school or do better as an adult, it is not going to help you. Abuse is wrong and tragic, and I am sorry it happened, but you don’t need to repeat that cycle. It takes strength, but so does feeling bad all the time and continuing the pain of abuse on to your children.

5.     If your child is having trouble in school, listen to what the teacher says and be willing to work with them. Your child may be the one that breaks the cycle…but they cannot break it without your help and encouragement.

I grew up in a poor family, but poor doesn’t have to mean uneducated. My mother was a teacher and when I was discouraged with what I didn’t have as compared to others, she told me that. I watched both my mother and father work hard, get taken advantage of, and work harder. Their work was a form of prayer for them, and I believe that is how they survived. They did not blame; they felt lucky to be an American. There were problems then, there are problems now, but if we aren’t all part of the solution, we are part of the problem. Taking the time to encourage a kid’s work ethic, or inspiring them through your work with a church, school, or scout program goes a long way in being part of the solution.

"A wife says to her husband (or vice versa), "Do you love me?"
"Of course," he replies. "I've been married to you for twenty years, haven't I?"
How satisfied would we be if we presented someone with a vintage wine and, upon asking his opinion of it, he replied, "I'm drinking it, aren't I?"
Love still needs expression between those who share it."-Leo Buscaglia

Within the first two years of your marriage, very important work is being done. Many times, this work is being done without the awareness of one or both partners. A marital style is being created. Couples who don’t understand this or talk about it may develop communication issues that didn’t need to be part of their marriage. Perhaps the scariest notion is that once a marital style is developed, it begins to embrace or erode the marriage.

When a couple is having problems in their marriage and they seek counseling, part of that counselor’s job is to identify the way the couple communicates. In the field of counseling, we understand that no matter what is happening between the couple, if we aren’t able to stabilize the communication style, we won’t be able to help the couple. It is amazing how mindless we all become after two years of marriage. We say things to our partner, and react without contemplating what is being felt by them. One of the reasons therapy is successful is due to the fact that if a moment of pause can be added to the couple’s mode of responding to one another, the derogatory marital style can be re-taped and mended to a style that is more compassionate toward the couple’s needs.

One of the leading psychologists in the field of marital style is Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington. After thirty years of divorce research, she came up with five basic marital styles. What is important to note are the ones that were most likely NOT to end up in divorce. The two that led to the longest, most content marriages are the cohesive marriage and the traditional marriage. Indentifying your style may be the first step in re-taping your communication and saving your marriage.

1.     Cohesive Marriage. This marriage style is one in which the couple doesn’t spend every waking moment together, but they are tightly bonded. These couples often have their own interests, their own careers, but at the end of the day they want to be in each other’s arms. They draw their support and love from each other. They are the gold standard as they make marriage look real. Most people idealize this type of marriage.

2.     Traditional Marriage. This is the marriage your parents may have had. The breadwinner is the guy, and the wife takes on the duties of the home, kids and running the couple’s social life. Although it led to the least divorces in Dr. Hetherington’s thirty-year research study, the individual people may not have been the happiest. This marriage works great if both partners enjoy and embrace their roles. If something changes, such as the wife begins working, this type of marriage may become unstable.

3.     Pursuer/distance marriage. This type of style has many names. Nag-withdraw, or rejection –intrusion pattern. This style is also what romance novels, soaps, and chick flicks commonly use as their running theme. It may be the most romanticized of all the styles, but that’s where the positives end. It is the most likely style to end in divorce. Basically it looks like this. One of the partners wants to talk about an issue. The other partner doesn’t want to discuss it, and withdraws by watching TV, reading, or by using 1000 other excuses. The partner, who wanted to talk about the issue, becomes angry, resentful and sees the avoidance from their partner as a sign that they don’t care. This causes them to become cold, and bitter. The partner who resisted talking about the issue may sense the coldness, but withdraws further to protect themselves. By the time he or she is ready to talk, their partner has gone.

4.     Disengaged Marriage. These couples are symbolic of many of my professional couples. They are so self-sufficient they don’t need each other on a daily basis for emotional support. They lack mutual interests and have many differences in their family backgrounds. They don’t require intimacy to be close. These couples don’t fight much, because you have to be engaged to fight. These couples don’t change their life for marriage. In fact, if they divorce, you don’t see much of a change in them from married or single. Dr. Hetherington notes in her study that these couples are the second most likely to get a divorce.

5.      Operatic Marriage. These marriages are exciting to be around, but not to live in. They have the extreme highs and lows. They have the highest marital sex satisfaction scores because they are emotionally volatile and their quarreling often leads to sex. The problem is, words can wound as easily as a fist in a quarrel and eventually one partner is too wounded and leaves. These couples come in and are easy to identify. One of them will clearly state, “The great sex is no longer worth it.” When I hear that, I see a red flag and discover this marital style exists. It usually begins while dating, and because it feels natural to the couple, it continues into marriage.

This article can be helpful if couples sit down, talk together and identify their style. Don’t blame any one person, as a style is created by the couple’s interaction. In a sense, you are both actors playing your part. If you can be candid with one another to re-create your part, you can save your marriage before you contemplate divorce. “Quitting the play because you don’t like your part is analogous to divorcing your spouse because you didn’t like the script you read. Write the new script together.” 

A wonderful book to begin your New Year and to help your marriage is, “For Better, the Science of a Good Marriage.”   By Tara Parker-Pope

A divorce in the best circumstances should be discussed for a long time before it happens. Seeking counseling, trying new ways to communicate, or a trial separation should all take place before the couple agrees that their marriage is over. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, so joining a support group to help deal with the emotions in the aftermath, as well as counseling and mediation, can all make a divorce less painful for both spouses and their children. Although this is the way it should happen, in reality it usually doesn’t. One of the partners often falls in love with someone else. They feel so strongly that this person is their soul mate that they divorce their spouse, leave their home and their children to begin a new life with this new love. Debating the new love or how it happened, or even considering the marriage may have been dead for years and was just lingering are all possibilities, but the person left still grieves and mourns the end of their marriage.

This is a letter from one of my closest confidantes who is now six months from being the one left behind. This confidante had no idea this was coming their way, nor did they ever expect their marriage to end. This is their latest letter to me and six months have passed since they split.

Good morning, Mary Jo!  I met with my former spouse again last night after several weeks of only short phone conversations and I tried so hard not to let my emotions get out of hand, but I succeeded only partly. No touching on their part, only a brief pat on the shoulder when they left. In between, we discussed some of the legal things which need to be done now, but then I couldn't help but talk again about all the pain and the hurt I still feel inside because of the incomprehensible actions and ask again, "Why?” I long so much for the acknowledgment of my pain, my emotions, and to show some feelings maybe by saying something like, "I'm sorry and I hope you will feel better soon," and giving me a hug. But they refuse any sign of remorse or feeling toward me.  "We talked about this a hundred times already."
I experienced two sleepless nights again. I need my energy to organize my papers for the tax return, for the divorce procedure, and for preparing my move. Instead, I feel sick to my heart and stomach and endlessly tired. I went to the opera last week. I heard a great concert last night after this meeting, but nothing seems to get through to my inner core. Six months have passed and I feel like it was yesterday. My head is still full of questions such as, “Where are they now?” and “What are they doing together?” I have lost so much of my social life, and I am sure the new partner triumphs when they show up at places where I use to stand at their side. Does my partner enjoy sex with the new person more than they did with me? Yes, I am sure they do. I am a prisoner of my thoughts. How will I ever learn to let go of my spouse and my marriage?  Thank you, for listening.

My close confidante is actually right where they should be in the healing process of a divorce they didn’t want. There are a few things though, that may help with emotional healing for the next year and onward.

1.     Make sure you are talking to a counselor to help you navigate your feelings. Venting to your friends, parents, and children is not helpful and can actually isolate you. Children can be emotionally damaged when parents talk badly about an ex, so confide in a counselor and one or two close friends.

2.     Exercise and make it part of your daily life. Exercise helps motivate you when you feel too fatigued to go on, and it also restores your body image. If you cannot exercise by yourself, ask a good friend to walk, run, or go to the gym with you.

3.     Join at least one support group or a like-minded group. This will help you minimize your aloneness and it will also get you out into the community.

4.     Minimize meeting up with your ex as much as possible. The more you engage with your ex, the more difficult it can be moving on.

5.     Continue enjoying the events you used to. You may not “feel” the same enjoyment at the same deep level, but eventually you will.

Going on with a new life you never wanted or chose is painful. More painful yet is being stuck in your life when it really doesn’t feel like yours anymore. Many times, the partner left feels revengeful, and although this is a common feeling (don’t beat yourself up for feeling it), you have to eventually give up on that too. Before you give up on that feeling though, remember…the best revenge is becoming the best version of you. This includes taking care of your emotional/spiritual health, your children’s health, and your physical health. You will make it, even though your heart may be breaking. You are strong, you will survive, and you will continue to grow, change and love again.

I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage. When I ask them how long the struggle has been going on the answer is usually several years. When I continue and ask them how they have tried to fix it on their own, 80 percent of the time having a baby, building or buying a new house, and having plastic surgery are typical answers. Just looking at these possible fixes they have used makes me stressed out.

 I cannot imagine trying to fix anything with adding a baby to it, the complications of buying or building a new home, or the pain and down time of having plastic surgery. However, when you are struggling with your marriage, many times you are in a place of desperation and may not be thinking clearly. You are trying to find the answer to what will bring you together more to help secure the future. If your partner feels that there is nothing attaching the two of you, then thinking about a new baby may seem logical. If your partner is nagging you about your weight, breast size or wrinkles, then a facelift, tummy-tuck or breast augmentation may seem logical. If you feel that many of your fights are centered upon lack of space or you’re comparing your home to friends who have nicer homes, then it would make sense that building or buying a home together may bring peace. The truth is none of these things will restore a sick marriage, and most likely will make the impending divorce more painful.

Couples seem to go outward when they are having marital discord. The simple solution is always to go inward, beginning with you first. That becomes very painful for couples, so their tendency to put the “cure” or “fix” on something material makes it more palatable, and also affords them a new focus. Rather than going to counseling and expressing the painful resentment, hurt and pain in order to heal, they move toward getting something new. This may help for a while, but it is almost certainly a Band Aid effect on a deeply infected wound. It may cover the wound so you cannot see the redness, pus, and swelling, but it still hurts, and it will continue to worsen. That baby is going to scream at night, that new house is going to cause more resentment with working longer hours, and trying to agree on décor, and that cosmetic surgery is going to attract more attention, which may cause anger when your partner all of a sudden values you more because of how you look. With all of these “fixes,” the resentment is going to grow exponentially.

There are things you can do when you begin seeing marital discord.  I suggest you engage in these 3 suggestions before resorting to a baby, new home or plastic surgery to “fix” your marriage.

1.     Sit down together and admit there is a problem in your marriage. Identifying the issues together will help you both know where the weaknesses are, so you can better focus on solutions.

2.     Words like never, always, should, can’t and won’t are less effective than “I feel statements.” Begin thinking more of the present. What can you do today that will make it better? Couples who begin to think about forever become more stressed. Marriage is a lifestyle, but its strength is in its ability to grow and change with both partners.

3.     Never go more than 12 hours without touching or connecting in some way. The more you touch your partner, the less you talk, and the more you listen, the stronger the marriage. A good rule of thumb is to say one sentence to your spouse’s three. Practice, Practice, Practice.

4.     Seek a good counselor or mediator. It is wise to tell the therapist or mediator up front that you have marital discord and need mentoring with resolving the issues. This way the therapist or mediator can understand exactly what you want. When everyone is focused on helping you resolve the issues, the chances of success are high.

 Many of the couples I work with did not have good mentors to resolve marital discord. Therefore, they become panicked when they aren’t getting along. Their mentors (many times their parents) used the “fixes” discussed in this article only to divorce later. There are other options.  Having a baby, a new home or plastic surgery can be wonderful events, but not if you end up losing the person you wanted to share them with the most.

Women still initiate the majority of divorces in the United States. The reasons are varied, and it doesn’t really matter why it happened in the mind of the man who is left. If there are kids, the silence can be deafening because when your wife leaves, the kids usually go with her. Feelings of anger and rejection can overpower men and lead to life-threatening behaviors. Many times, men do not have the network system to offer emotional support and encouragement like women do. This leaves them to vices such as alcohol, driving too fast, physical aggression, and violence. When men are upset, it takes their heart, respirations, and blood pressure longer to return to normal readings than it does for women. For most men, having their wife walk out on them is a sign of failure, and failure is unfortunately viewed as being weak. The only way a guy is taught to handle feeling weak is to get angry, which begins the cycle of anger that the man’s wife left when she walked out the door.

Men feel and act much quicker than women do. When men feel alone or hurt, they are not socialized to go to other men to talk about their feelings. They are socialized to talk to women. This usually leads to them “hooking up” with another woman before they are prepared emotionally. Women view relationships with more intensity in the beginning than men do. This usually means for the guy who isn’t emotionally available that, once again, he will fail and be rejected. Women are also judgmental of these men as the men often don’t get close enough or vulnerable enough to be understood. If she cannot understand, she has no recourse other than to judge the present behavior.

By the time these men make it into my office, they are broken. Many times they are sleep deprived, confused, hurt, and angry. Trying to convince him at that time to cease using the vices he has been socialized or mentored to use by friends, family, and the media is almost impossible. He needs a fix, but his emotional and physical health depends on him feeling the pain and grieving it before moving on. He won’t trust his ability to grieve until he has other options to help him manage it. Here are several options for men dealing with a loss of love. They can be done alone or with the guidance of a counselor or third party:

1.     Begin writing down your thoughts. Writing it seems to be cathartic, whereas holding it in your head can make you more confused and angry. Get a journal and make it your mission to fill it daily or hourly.

2.     Each day, make sure you talk with someone you trust. This can be a simple text or email, but communicating with someone else is important. This will help give you balance and stability at a time you feel off-kilter and rocked.

3.     Pray. Pray every day. It doesn’t have to be an organized prayer, just talk to your god. Talking to a minister or mentor from the church can help you feel less alone.

4.     Go to the gym or walk outside each day. Movement releases endorphins, which helps improve your mood and lower your depression.

5.     Watch what you eat. When you eat more carbs you may become more tired, depressed and unmotivated. Your body reacts to your moods, so taking care of your body when you are down becomes more essential.  

6.     If your family is concerned that you are acting depressed or moody, don’t get defensive. Make an appointment to see your doctor; it is not a sign of weakness to go on anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants at this time. Many times, when we are depressed or anxious, those closest to us see it first. 

7.     Allow yourself a specific amount of time to think about your ex each day. Shorten that time by minutes or hours each week. In the beginning it will be very difficult to distract yourself, so use exercise as a way to do that. When you find yourself thinking of your ex, do 50 pushups or sit ups. You will begin feeling more confident and in control.

8.     If you have children, continue your relationship with them. Children feel grief intensely and act on it quickly. They will be struggling, too, so try not to dump adult emotions on them. Never let your anger for your ex become stronger than the love you feel for your children.

9.     Night time is the worst time; for that first week or two, have someone you can talk to even in the middle of the night when it is really bad. Good friends and family will understand and want to help.

10.   If there ever was a time to adopt a dog, this may be the best. A dog needs a home and you need unconditional love.

11.  Many men see a divorce or a break up is a sign of failure. That may or may not be true, but it takes two to fail. It wasn’t all your fault no matter what your ex may say. We all make mistakes; the important aspect is to learn from them.

12.   Investing yourself in a higher cause post break-up will help occupy your thoughts and surround you with like-minded people who know how to give back. Doing something physical helps most guys process anger without acting it out in a way that can hurt them.

The biggest hurdle for guys dealing with any crisis is that they aren’t allowed by the “man code” to ask for help. This may sound ridiculous to women, but it is true. I am not sure who developed the man code, but this part of the code needs to change. Men medicate with more women after a break-up than women do, and they die sooner after the loss of their wife than women do after the loss of a husband. Most of the time, this is due to their inability to grieve in a healthy social network where they can express their sadness and loss. Guys will be emotionally healthier if they allow themselves to step back, express their feelings, and figure out what they want before hooking up with someone who asks for emotions they are incapable of giving.

When you create your marriage, you are creating your story. Every story has twists, turns, plots you didn’t expect and, of course, the ending. Hopefully, the ending of your marriage will be the ending of you or, in other words, “Till death do you part.” However, sometimes in your story there are twists or turns that neither you nor your partner may have seen coming that can change the whole story.

It is at these times that counseling, talking to your minister, or going on a marital retreat may be beneficial in helping you maneuver these twists and turns. However, there is another method that is now commonly supported by those of us in the field of trying to empower couples and improve their marriages. Kids in a healthy marriage do so much better than children raised in co-habitation or in a single parent home. It makes sense that if you have a loving partner in a committed marriage, helping you with child rearing, that the kids will be able to focus on learning at school and feel more secure in their home environment. This new method couples are being asked to try is a limited separation. In the state of Texas, there is no legal separation; therefore, it is important that you work with a third party, such as a counselor, rabbi, minister or mediator, to set up a plan that will maintain security for the couple as well as the children.

This method became more important after researchers surveyed thousands of divorced couples. It was discovered that most couples actually thought they could have worked things out if they had taken a break or separated for a limited time to cool off. Hearing words like, “I don’t love you anymore,” or, “I don’t want to go to counseling, it’s over,” are heartbreaking, but it doesn’t mean a divorce is the next step. What it may symbolize is, “I’ve had it, and I am limited in my options of what will work right now feeling the way I do.” Divorce is so common that couples gravitate toward what they know. Most couples have friends who divorce, but how many have friends who separate, work it out, and then come together stronger and better at communicating than in the past? Most of us know very few of these.

If your marriage has hit a crisis point and you are burned out trying to figure out how to make it work, perhaps a separation is a wise next step. These steps will help you set up the separation, but it is advised that you let a third party lead the way. They are objective, but the goal is the same: to help you preserve your marriage.

1.     Communication: It is important to set up the rules for communication. If there is a lot of anger, perhaps try talking face to face or on the phone once a week and other days a short text. Whoever you are working with should help you work this out. As you become less angry, the communication should become more frequent and face to face.

2.     Set a Goal: The couple will have the most success if they set their goal on keeping the marriage and making it work. If one person wants the marriage and the other doesn’t, that needs to be stated up front so the rules of separation can be adjusted.

3.     Access to the kids should never be a condition with separation (unless there is abuse and, in that case, a separation is not advised).

4.     Date night: Dates should be planned into the separation. The dates are an opportunity to re-connect by engaging in conversation and enjoying one another, rather than fighting or arguing.

5.     Dating others during a separation is verboten: You are still married, and the objective is to get space to figure out what you are doing to enhance or sabotage your marriage. After you have time away and can calm down, working toward resolution is more likely.

I have been married for a long time. We are very different people, but we share the same goal of our union. We want to be together, and that makes all the difference. Even when I am mad at him, I want to be his wife. When he gets angry at me, he wants to be my husband. Our story has had many twists and turns, but the story goes on. At the end of the day, ask yourself, “How sacred is my marriage to me?” Do you value it as much as you do your money, car, house, kids, friends, and everything else? A separation at a marriage crisis point is for those who say, “YES” to that question. There is no absolute guarantee that you will be married forever, but you make it more likely if you value your marriage more than anything else.

Some of the most popular books on the shelves are romance novels. Women buy them by the millions; yet, I often see couples in my office who have grown apart, have low or no libido, and aren’t having sex anymore. Women are the primary purchasers of these books, so I scratch my head in wonder at how they can love books about romance, intimacy and sex, but no longer want it in their personal life with their partner. While visiting with couples, I gain more understanding about why and how this is possible. I ask the couple, “What are you doing to nurture your sex life?” They look confused or stare straight ahead, and it is usually the guy who will offer, “She won’t let me near her.” She retaliates with, “All you ever want is sex.”

I’ve read recently that more and more baby boomers are getting divorced. Couples that have been together since college, raised kids and fought in-laws together are now separating and divorcing. The reason? There are many, but it comes down to the three I have already mentioned: growing apart, losing their libido, and letting their sex life go. There is a belief for many, especially amongst women, that once you marry, you are married for life. You can let yourself go, begin sharing more with your girlfriends than your husband, and quit being intimate and they (husbands) will still love and want to romance with you. This is not true. Romance is enhanced with knowledge of your own body and a desire to want intimacy. Romance in a relationship demands time; it demands being open to feeling loved and wanting to love. The number one romance fantasy in most books involves the woman feeling frazzled and her man (who usually has clothes on, remember that women like men who emit power so a suit or at least shorts) taking her into his arms; she then submits to being totally pleased. The part the romance novel doesn’t mention is that the women in these stories know what pleases them and also are preparing in their head for this encounter. Even if they act surprised in the story, the room is magically candle lit and soft Latin music is playing. The man’s timing is always impeccable, which signifies that he is engaged with her; he knows her, watches her, and is aware. Many husbands in real life cannot even find their socks, let alone notice when their woman is giving signals for intimacy.

If your marriage is getting stale and you are becoming distant, you owe it to your family and your spouse to work on closing this gap before it becomes insurmountable. Reading a romance novel is fine, but it will benefit your marriage more if you begin prioritizing your marriage and intimacy as if it were a romance novel. Below I have suggestions of how you can begin creating your own love story:

1.     If you suffer from low libido, go to the doctor. Many illnesses can cause painful intercourse as well as hormonal shifts within your body. Painful sex is never enjoyable and avoiding sex can ruin your marriage. Take it seriously and get checked.

2.     Get in shape. Don’t stay in shape for your spouse. Make it about you. Your risk for cancer, heart disease and diabetes goes down the minute you take the first step.  The confidence you will begin to build with your body is vital to restoring romance.

3.     Talk to your partner about your sex life. What do you want? What feels good? How frequent is too frequent? How do you like to be touched? It’s difficult to bring up these topics, but if you begin with only 5 minutes a day of talking about your sex life, you will begin to feel closer to achieving true romance.

4.     Good parenting is valuing your marriage first and foremost. Your spouse comes first.  Going on a date with your spouse is the single most important thing you can do to assure your children’s happiness and success.

5.     Guys, women need you to notice her. The single most loving romantic thing any husband can do is send flowers with a love note. When men adore their wife, she in turn makes you part of her fantasy.

It saddens me to talk to couples who are divorcing because they “grew apart” or no longer want to work on the marriage. They trade partners, leave their children, and destroy their family history because they cannot take the loneliness they have co-created with their spouse. They seek another to fill the void; like a miner holding fool’s gold, they tell themselves this is the real thing, the love of their life, or their soul mate. The real thing is the love story you are currently working on within your marriage. Take time for each other, intimacy and sex. Romance is the setting for “your love story” as you turn the pages of your best seller.