Most of us grew up seeing someone we knew, a friend of our parents, going through a midlife crisis. All of sudden, one of the partners was buying a new car, sporting new clothes, tanning at the salon, or buffing up at the gym every day. Today we are seeing a new and improved midlife crisis or “transition.” The name change came about with people living longer and taking better care of themselves than the generation before. The new 40 is really 50, and people are refusing to age gracefully. Many mental health experts are focused on the incredible growth during the midlife time of life, but also aware that this transition can develop into depression forcing the mid-lifer to therapy for help.

There is not a set age where midlife crisis or transitions occur. Many aspects of one’s life can influence when they go through a midlife transition. Factors include how satisfied they are in their relationship, how long they expect to live, whether they are healthy or chronically ill, how their partner is aging, and whether or not they still have goals in life. Typically, a transition can begin around 35 years through 50 years of age. Important intimate events can trigger an earlier midlife event, such as children leaving home, divorce, parents dying, or a “BIG” birthday that marks a new decade.

Men and women are different in their relationships and they are different in their midlife crisis or transitions as well. Men seem to want to prove something as they tend to gauge their self-value more on job performance. They want to look successful and be respected as being good at what they do. Women seem to derive their self worth more from their relationships. They tend to draw more satisfaction on what sort of a mother, wife, daughter and friend they have been. There are many stereotypes about men buying a sport car, and women going under the knife, but for well adjusted men and women, it is more likely they will begin a new career, take an adventurous trip, or move to their dream home.

Midlife crisis or transitions are usually dealt with better if the man or woman has felt good about themselves during the first half of their life. For example, women who re-evaluate their goals may want to go back to school or travel somewhere exotic to where they weren’t able to go when their kids were home. Guys may be able to get more in touch with their feminine side. They may take up areas of interest they never had time to explore. Many men find a new joy in cooking, making coffees, or wine making. The more support the couple has given one another throughout their relationship, the easier and more exciting this transition can be. The empty nest may be felt for a short time, but it doesn’t cripple the couple’s transition unless their relationship was unbalanced.

Sex can get better during this transition if the couple nurtured their relationship prior to the kids moving out. It can be an opportunity to experiment and try new things in the bedroom. The limitation of having kids at home is gone, and reconnecting with your partner as the couple you both started out as can feel exciting and novel. If depression due to losing a parental role, poor body image, or disconnection from your partner develops, sex is the first area where couples will begin to struggle during the transition or midlife period. Couples may not have felt their emptiness with the noise and actions of their teenage children. Once they become empty nesters the silence and isolation within their marriage can be deafening. 

Depression can be a very real illness during midlife, so being aware of the signs of depression and paying attention to your partner’s mood may prevent further isolation in your relationship. I have made a list of some of the signs to be alerted to in the event you or your partner gets stuck in a midlife transition or crisis.

• Performing less well at work
• Unusually quiet; unable to talk about things
• Worrying about things more than usual
• More irritable than usual
• Complaining more about vague physical problems

Severe signs of stress and depression (take note especially if these have been going on for more than two weeks).

• Feeling sad or unhappy
• High levels of anxiety
• Low energy
• Difficulties concentrating
• Feeling worthless or hopeless
• Losing interest in activities or people
• Weight loss
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of sex drive
• Lapses in personal hygiene, such as not bathing or shaving as regularly
• Thoughts of suicide (call 911 when and if you ever feel this way)

Being depressed makes the transition of any passage in life more difficult. If moving into the next stage of life makes you feel sad or blue instead of inspired and hopeful, it is wise to visit your doctor. Many times the reason you feel blue isn’t because the kids moved out, but has more to do with your hormones being low. Your doctor can advise you if it’s time for medication, counseling or both. The transition years can bring more enjoyment and freedom than we have experienced ever before. It doesn’t have to be a time of black balloons and empty nests. Whether you face a crisis or a transition in midlife has everything to do with the state of your most intimate relationships when you enter this passage in your life. Marital counseling can be a wonderful way to begin your midlife transition and insure that you and your partner will transition well together.

Getting “let go of,” separated or “dumped” is one of the most humiliating, depressing, and emotionally difficult experiences most of us will ever go through. For many couples, feeling more distance and tension are preludes that their partner isn’t happy and wants out of the relationship. Many of those same couples assume their partner will wait until after the holidays to lower the boom, not imagining anyone could be so cruel as to break it off during this time of year. When the split happens prior to or during all of the festivities, it leaves you feeling shocked, abandoned, desperate and depressed. Along with the actual break up, the holidays come at the worst time of year with shorter days and longer nights. When this happens to you, it is unwise to try and convince your partner to hang on for a few more weeks or shame them into re-committing to you.

When men or women call me for advice, telling me they have been dumped, it would be easier for me to tell them what not to do. Don’t give your ex a call to come over for sex, and don’t harm their property or body. If you have kids, don’t use the kids to try and cajole them to come back. Although these points seem obvious, when you are in the panic and desperation of wanting your “old life back,” these ideas seem logical. Make no mistake, they are not. Your partner will use them for reasons why you are too crazy for them and why they have to exit the relationship.  There will be very few ways to comfort yourself with immediate soothing; however, with time and taking some control back with these suggestions, it won’t be long before you are feeling stronger.

1.     Reach out and help someone else. A study in Personnel Psychology noted that there is a 25% improvement in mood when helping others. The less you focus on yourself right now the better.

2.     If at all possible, get away for the holidays. No matter when a break-up happens, the first holiday alone is bad. Go somewhere or make plans to spend the holidays with someone.

3.     Don’t wait for the New Year to join a gym. You won’t feel like exercising, but you need to go. The endorphins that are released during a gym work out help alleviate depression and anxiety.

4.     Journal your thoughts, and write at least one thing you are grateful for each day. Take your journal to bed with you and place it on a side table. When you cannot sleep, write. It helps to get your thoughts out on paper. Feeling grateful despite your misery helps it hurt less.

5.     Counseling can help, and most counselors have extended hours during the holidays. A counselor will help guide you through the trenches immediately following a break up. They also help you focus on the big picture when this small piece feels like your whole life.

6.     No one should go through a break up without good friends and family. This is a time to be able to ask for support. Many of your friends and family probably saw the break up coming long before you did.

It is important to remember that only those who love can suffer a broken heart. Everyone has their heart broken at some point in their life. There is no doubt that the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” was written for the person being dumped. There is a universal truth that you should repeat if this happens to you, “If it ended, it was broken.” Some things cannot be glued back together when they are broken. You can enjoy a meaningful holiday anyway! 

This week I was asked to be an expert for an HLN story involving an 8 year old boy in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. This boy is morbidly obese, tipping the scales at 218 pounds. The Department of Children and Family Services took the boy into foster care after they felt the mother was unable to follow through with appropriate measures prescribed for the boy in order to lose weight. The mother’s defense was that she was going to school, in addition to working as an elementary teacher.  She felt that she could not monitor the child at all times.  Apparently, family members and friends were sneaking food to the boy.  DCFS reported that they had worked with mom for a year and saw no improvement. The State Health Department estimates that more than 12 percent of third graders statewide (Ohio) are severely obese. That could mean as many as 1,380 kids in Cuyahoga County alone. This story is the first time anyone could recall a child being taken from a parent strictly due to weight-related issues.

To consider the idea that the state can handle this issue by removing an obese child from the home and placing him in foster care is not only absurd, but dangerous to the development of children. Most likely, there will not be enough foster homes and even if there were, will the parents in those homes be able to handle the issues an obese child struggles with? According to recent polls, one out of every three children is morbidly obese. This is not a child crisis; instead, this is a family crisis. In this situation, the child suffered from sleep apnea, which meant he was hooked up to a machine at night that monitors and assists his breathing. Many obese children suffer asthma, diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, anxiety, and depression.

Obesity certainly has genetic components, but to simply throw your hands in the air with complete surrender to the fate is not being a responsible parent.  Taking a child away from the family he knows and loves borders on cruelty. Removal of a child from his/her home should only be done as a last resort to protect that child from imminent harm (the child in this case had no other medical conditions except for sleep apnea). Many times, removing a child from their home is experienced so intensely by the child that they would resort to food even more as the only thing they could control. Depression, anxiety, and a heightened loss of self-esteem may be the result. What are we telling a child if we allow them to be taken from us, because we were not able to change our lives enough to help him? I make it clear to all of the parents I work with that if you have a morbidly obese child, it takes a family to support them with a healthy lifestyle. There can be no enablers and “good guys or bad guys” with offering the child unhealthy foods or a lifestyle conducive to obesity.

If you have a child you are concerned with who struggles with obesity, you have more power within your family than any treatment facility known. The problem is that, many times, you know your child is hurting and that breaks your heart. The guilt you feel from that affects your ability to hold a firm and loving boundary that your child needs. These suggestions will help you get started.

1.     Talk to your pediatrician and tell them your concerns. Make a list of everything you have tried and go over this with your doctor. Don’t let your doctor make light of your concerns. No one knows your child as well as you.

2.     Have a family meeting, and rather than addressing any one child, address the whole family. Become a united team with everyone participating in a healthy lifestyle. Identify the foods that are the most problematic (soda, chips, candy, and pastries) and replace those with raw fruits and vegetables. Make these food visible, keep a basket of raw fruit on the kitchen counter, bottled water in the fridge (or fresh water in pitchers stored in the refrigerator) and vegetables peeled and ready to eat in the refrigerator. The best way to get rid of the junk food is to throw it away. It’s toxic, and why would you donate or give to someone else what is poisonous to their body?

3.     Quit telling yourself that in order for your kids to fit in they need junk food in the house. They don’t, and this thinking is keeping you from being an effective parent in helping your obese child. It is not fair to let the thin sibling eat junk food and not allow it for the child with weight issues. This builds resentment, so get rid of the junk food and make it forbidden for your whole family.

4.     Family activities are so helpful for your family as well as your marriage. Protect and prioritize these types of days. Take a family walk, go to the park, or (in the winter) go ice skating. Anything where there is movement will help everyone be healthier. Activities shared as a family helps the child who is overweight feel less isolated and alone.

5.     If you are unsure of foods and what to serve, a wise investment is to talk to a dietician. Many physician offices have dieticians on staff. Advice and attaining more knowledge of foods can help you help your child.

6.     If your obese child suffers from social anxiety or depression, seek help from a counselor. It is much wiser to begin counseling before your child’s self-esteem is destroyed. Rebuilding an obese child’s self-esteem is much more difficult than learning healthy coping mechanisms that can comfort them so they won’t resort to using food.

Child protective services have a huge job and they do it well. There are so many children that need to be placed with foster parents in order to survive. Morbid obesity should not be a reason we need to contact CPS. Parents must get serious with their children’s health and well being. Being a parent means taking care of your child and making sure they have all they need to be healthy. If your child is overweight and struggling with health issues, begin making changes to the whole family’s lifestyle today.