When I meet a dating couple, it doesn’t take long to see the attraction that brought them together. This same attraction that makes them delight in one another can turn them into mortal enemies when they are married and making decisions about finance, location and family as a married couple. A friend of mine went into the army, and remembers his mother telling him as he packed his bags to go, “You are my son, I support what you are doing with your life, but whatever you do, don’t get married to a girl over there.” My friend says to this day, his mother has not accepted his wife of twenty years, and her adjusting to the United States, her husband’s family, as well as his faith, has been anything but smooth waters. So what is it that makes us so attracted to one specific person, and how different is too different to marry?

William Ickes, PhD studies attraction and reports that for the most part people who live in close proximity to one another, and are considerate of one another, can also fall in love with each other. The key element seems to be a mutual chemistry or attraction to one another. Dr. Ickes also believes that people look for someone who will complement them, but still maintain their differences. Dating is rarely as light hearted as we make it out to be and when we are interested in someone, and want to be involved in a serious relationship with them, we find out rather quickly where they stand. There are, of course, numerous ways we can be alike as well as opposite from a potential partner, but five features seem to pose the most importance for long-term relationships.

1. Physical attractiveness: Most people look for attractiveness similar to their own. When you see someone who is not great looking with someone who is great looking, the person who isn’t great looking usually has a lot more of some other type of asset to offer the relationship.
2. Money: For men, money symbolizes success and masculinity. For women, it symbolizes security. Money matters are one of the top three things that can break a relationship. The more similar your potential partner’s values regarding money are, the better your chance for a long-term relationship/marriage.
3. Faith: Sharing the same faith can enrich a relationship and help form a bond enhancing the attraction.  Mixed faith marriages are tough, but not impossible. Although a mixed faith marriage may seem exciting at first, it will be a challenge unless you approach it as a way to better understand your partner.   
4. Children: If your potential partner is truly opposite from you, having and raising children will be a challenge. Individual’s values usually are similar in close, committed relationships, and if your opposite does not value the same things you do, trying to raise kids together will bring up issues in education, faith, in-laws, financial issues, and an endless list of other issues.
5. Communication is crucial to all relationships, and is best facilitated by education levels. For the most part, people who are educated usually attract others who are educated. Love stories and movies may depict one educated partner caring for and teaching the other, but for the most part this doesn’t happen, with the exception of our parent’s generation.

I have many friends who date and it is somewhat surprising how they will identify one of these five items as the reason why the relationship didn’t go any further. Many of them have dated for months, even years prior to deciding they just couldn’t tolerate this aspect of the person they reportedly loved on all other levels. Attraction is a funny thing. Working with couples, it is obvious that love really is blind or at least clouded for most of us. The single most important thing to be attracted to in a long-term relationship is the person’s values. Looks will fade (or will be enhanced in a scary way), money will be split 50/50, kids will grow up, and careers will continue to evolve. Values are deeper, and as long as you keep communicating about your relationship, and you both continue to put your relationship first, you will most likely continue being attracted to one another.

I have never met anyone dating a nagger. For some reason, the nagging doesn’t exist in the dating world. Since nagging is generally a female quality, I sometimes wonder if this is part of the man’s reasoning for being reluctant to get married. Men most likely grew up watching their mom nag their dad or some other guy, and understood this was part of her marital right or obligation. Women who don’t think they nag are often the worst naggers. They do what I call, “secretly nag.” It’s a bit more clandestine and cute, but their man recognizes it and labels it as nagging.

Nagging has always had a negative, somewhat humorous affection until recently. Research has boosted nagging as a primary reason for relationship discord. That’s a big deal in my field of trying to promote healthy relationships to see something as simple as nagging be elevated to such a stance. We do, after all, all nag. Even we professionals, who tell our clients the perils of nagging, nag our husbands when we get home. In fact, we professionals may be the worst nags because we know how to sneak it in, wrapped in sweetness. I could write a book about “How to Nag,” but I think it is wiser to write about how not to nag and still feel like your partner is listening. This is, after all, why women nag. Women nag because they aren’t sure their man heard them the first time.

Women who nag have a nag enabler at home. This enabler has a keen sense of how to ignore the nagging. Watching the couple, you may surmise that the person being nagged enjoys it. He usually tunes it out, tells her angrily to stop nagging or withdraws. All of these excite the nagger, and actually produce more nagging. What would stop the nagger dead in their tracks (of course you would have to do this every time you were nagged which would require your time), is to take their hand or their face in your hands and say, “Honey, I heard you, and I will try to get that done as soon as I can.” The nagger would feel heard, loved and would let go of the request (naggers have long memories though, so you better make sure you follow through with the task). Since nagging is learned by watching your parents model it, it is difficult to extinguish it completely.

I do have some suggestions if you are a nagger or live with a nagger that may help decrease the nagging.

1. Don’t let nagging destroy your relationship. It doesn’t really require a counselor either if you are ready to talk about it with one another. Begin by being aware that it is happening and is a cycle.
2. Stay calm and try to look at the funny part of nagging. Getting angry and exploding about your partner nagging you or your partner not listening to you will only make the nagger more likely to nag.
3. Make a list of your requests that you would normally nag about, and put a priority number on them. If your partner is too busy to complete the really important ones, hiring someone to complete them is worth the strife it will cause on your marriage to continue nagging your partner (the first thing I look for when I move to a new house is a great “handyman”). I have been happily married a long time, need I say more?
4. Re-evaluate your nagging. Some nagging is done for the right reason. For example, if you are the partner responsible for paying the credit card bills each month, and you have a tendency to forget, your partner’s nagging may be necessary. I would suggest in that case that you have a better monitoring system, so you don’t force your wife into unnecessary nagging.

The main reason nagging doesn’t happen with dating is because the person or people you date are not invested in you. They don’t really care. Most women won’t nag a person they don’t care about. Whether they are nagging about your health, your lifestyle, your words, or whatever…the bottom line is they care about you. I would recommend as a nice gesture in curing your nagger’s nagging that you begin with re-instituting date nights. Make sure you are very attentive on those nights, as many times naggers feel neglected by the one they love the most. I hope this article didn’t nag you too much.

I answer viewer questions for Fox 26 each week on my segments, “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo.”  I didn’t have time to answer this letter from Jane, so I decided to write the answer in my blog this week.

 Dear Mary Jo,

“When you are starting to date someone and you enjoy their company, but do not have any real desire for them...how do you know if you should give it time to grow? Is it foolish to date where there is no 'spark,' hoping that will come with time? (In my experience, it has never grown, if not there to begin with). How much time is fair to avoid hurting the other person if you know they are into you, but you don't return the same level of attraction?

Thank you, Jane.

The answer to these types of questions is difficult, and there are no right or wrong answers. Some of the best marriages I have ever seen were arranged, and some of the worse relationships I have ever seen consisted of people who had an abundance of spark, but nothing else in common.  We all talk about chemistry or spark, but what is it and by what is it defined? For some, chemistry means the other person is “cute” or “hot;” for others it may mean they are an intellect and share career interests. Dating usually implies that you are meeting people you want to see again. I cannot imagine getting dressed and ready to go to a play or an event with someone for whom I felt no interest or with whom I didn’t want to be. As you read my answer you may think of other things that would be helpful to share with Jane. Your comments are appreciated, so long as you consider “helping and encouraging her,” because she is stuck right now, and trying to do the right thing.

Dear Jane,

I want to thank you for trusting me with your question and I am hoping I can offer things to think about and question within yourself, to help you find your answers.  Dating should be fun and it allows you to get to know people in an intimate setting. Like any relationship, it should be done as honestly as possible. When you are transparent, you allow the other person to know you, and free yourself from trying to be what you aren’t. If you pretend to like this guy and keep it going when you really aren’t interested, that is deception. Being honest doesn’t have to be mean, something as simple as, “I think you are a really neat person (if he is), but I have some things I need to work out in my own head right now, and I need to take a break from seeing you anymore.”  Of course that is my script…you can change it however you wish as long as you stay honest with your own part (spark happens; it’s not something anyone is to blame for or feel badly about).

You also asked if spark ever comes when it isn’t there initially. There is no one answer to that question, Jane.  In a healthy marriage, couples may experience their spark growing and dimming only to repeat this cycle.  A relationship also grows, but with dating, there has to be something there to keep you wanting to continue the dates. That leads us to the last portion of your question. When the other person does feel a spark and you don’t, how long should you continue the relationship? This is where you have to become very honest with yourself by asking yourself these questions.

1.     What am I afraid of if I let this one go?

2.     What specifically (write them down) makes this person void of spark?

3.     What specific combination makes me feel a spark? Many women who like bad boys were raised with dads who didn’t treat their moms very nice. These women may say they would never marry or date a guy like their dad, but the unfinished business in their heads attracts them to a bad boy like a moth to a flame. Many moms who were bored with their partners couldn’t hide their boredom from their daughters. When their daughters meet nice guys, they get cast aside due to the daughters’ fear they will end up bored like their mothers were.

Chemistry is the sum total of what we grew up with, what we saw mentored in our own homes and our personal wiring. When it attracts, it is strong, and there is a spark. Can a relationship grow to spark? Yes. Will it ever feel as intense as a natural first meeting spark? No, probably not. Can you build a healthy marriage or life with someone you don’t feel that spark for? YES. Is it easy? NO, but then again, creating a healthy marriage takes work, and I doubt anyone would say it was easy. I could not say that about life in general as life is about learning all aspects of one’s self and some of those are painful. Good luck, Jane.

There have been news reports about men and women becoming obsessed with their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend to the point of harming or killing them when they feel threatened they will leave. A recent report just in the news talks about a woman who sent hundreds of texts within a couple of hour’s time as well as harming her beloved’s property. A husband in California killed his wife and small son because he thought she was in love with someone else. They claim they do this out of an intense love, and liken it to the kind of love that inspired Shakespeare’s sonnets, or the kind of books that readers cannot put down for days. They like to think their own love story is like those that famous producers create to be so touching the entire audience is left crying.  These kind of love stories leave the audience talking about these movies, books, or poems for generations, but if you are involved in a real life obsessive love story it is anything but full of love. It is a scary, twisted nightmare for the unfortunate person involved with someone who is obsessed.

We learn how to love from our family of origin. If you had parents that loved in a chaotic, controlling manner, it will be more likely that you would feel comfortable with that style of love. Obsession has a lot to do with being able to control the other person. Their reason for control may be their fear of abandonment. Usually people who are obsessed come on way too strong in the beginning, due to a severe sense of loss in their own life. Counseling can be very effective with this group of people, but left untreated, obsessive love can lead to dangerous consequences as well as murder.

John Moore Ph.D. wrote the book “Confusing Love with Obsession,” which describes four levels of obsession.  The first level is the attraction phase. This is the beginning, so it is most important that you note it. Basically, the person comes on way too strong. They may send flowers, text immediately after the date, and talk about being with you constantly. They are already beginning to fantasize about you, and it is usually with a focus on one aspect of you while ignoring your whole person.

The second phase is what Moore refers to as the anxious phase. This is when they become more controlling as they are worried you will leave them. They may begin to experience intense feelings of mistrust which is why they will text, call or email you numerous times each day. They also may want to isolate you or limit your meeting with others in this stage.

The third phase is the obsessive phase. The obsessed person begins to break the law or make impossible demands on their partner’s time and life. They begin calling their partner’s place of work or their home frequently. They cannot get enough. They become demanding of constant and total attention. If they don’t get it, they may become enraged. Control tactics are used: they may be having you followed, traced, and watched continuously. Most likely, at this point you will have to get the law involved as the obsessed person is out of control with himself or herself. They are busy trying to control you.

The final phase is the destructive phase. In this stage, the obsessed person realizes they are losing their partner. They will be filled with so much self hate that they often will have suicidal thoughts and may kill the person and/or themselves. They have a very low sense of self, and also may project the hatred they feel for themselves onto the person they cannot have. This causes rage, and possibly revenge. It is very dangerous and if you have someone like this in your life you should call the police.

If you see signs of this after a couple of dates with someone, it is important that you act immediately. If it is allowed to continue, you may not be able to get out. Here are 5 things to do if you find yourself going on a second date with someone who has overdone it on the first.

1.     Be direct with the person and tell them you cannot date anymore. The truth is the best, but if you are worried about hurting their fragile self esteem, then change all of your numbers and email accounts, and don’t answer texts, or voicemails.

2.     Don’t frequent any of the places the two of you may have gone in the past.

3.     Don’t accept any gifts or requests sent to your home address.

4.     Tell your closest friends and family about your concerns so they can be aware.

5.     Obsessed people have a way of knowing what you will respond to. No matter what excuse they give you, do not get involved with them. If they tell you they will kill themselves if you don’t see them, call the police or 911 and tell them this person has told you they will kill themselves. Suicide must be taken seriously, but professionals who deal with suicide will be able to handle it more effectively than you.

Obsessive love may feel flattering the first time you experience the incredible attention they afford you. However, after 24 hours when the adornment is continuing non-stop, it becomes too much and many times frightening. The Obsessed is trying to hook you into loving them, but their concept of love is control, and you will end up feeling like you are on a scary, twisted ride if you join them.

More and more I am surrounded by women over 35 years of age who want to get married, but cannot find a suitable partner. They have heard the best places to go for singles over 35, have been set up on numerous blind dates, have joined online dating, and still don’t have a ring on their finger. These women are educated, have a great job, great homes, gorgeous, and would make the perfect wife. What’s wrong? When I talk with these women, many think the problem may rest with the guys. Guys in their age range want younger, less established women, or cougars who are self-made and don’t need the guy’s financial backing, or his ability to procreate in order to share a life together. But if I take a bit longer and talk more in depth with these women, then I begin to see that it may not be the men at all. It may in fact be the way these women are feeling toward themselves or what they are projecting outward that is limiting their ability to find a suitable partner for marriage.

Many of us don’t understand that how we feel inside really does project on the outside. If you feel cynical, judgmental or unhappy, no matter how much your latest haircut, manicurist, trainer, or diet fad costs, your looks will reflect how you feel. If you have been let down by men beginning with your dad when you were six, or by your boyfriend who got stolen from you when you were 17 years old, and you never resolved it, then you will attract a man who gets stolen from you or abandons you time after time. When a man becomes interested in you, they take a look at you and already know their destiny. There are things you have to look at within yourself whenever you are seeking something or someone. These thoughts/tapes are often the reason most women over 35 who want to get married are not.

1.     Life has taught you to be critical. Men are emotional beings just as women are. They enjoy sex, but they want to build a life with women who are kind and loving. There is a saying that “every man loves a bitch.” This is misinterpreted by many women. Men like a confident woman who is capable of loving herself and others. Men do not like mean women. If a man is drawn to a mean woman, it says more about his family of origin than it does about the woman. Be careful…do you want to be with a man who likes mean women? Really?

2.     Your standard of measurement is askew.  Often, women who want to marry but aren’t married are still looking for someone cute.  Sexual attraction is important, but in regards to a husband, what are most important are honesty and character. One study referenced in my blog reported that the healthiest marriages were those where the woman was the looker, not the guy. If you have a particular “cute level” they must achieve, you need to look in the mirror again with your makeup washed off, because this is the way your husband will see you each morning.

3.     Being honest with yourself is not valued. The majority of single women over 35 who want to be married are in relationships with people that they don’t really love or see a future with. They lie to these guys and tell them such things as, “Yeah, its okay if we don’t get married.” They move in with him and begin a life, many times committing years of their lives to a man who is never going to commit to them because they are afraid if they tell him the truth he will leave. If you want to get married, make it known, be authentic up front, and don’t settle for someone who is still trying to flirt with everything he sees.

4.     You don’t like yourself. Women who are single and over a certain age become very self-focused. They begin to see all of their flaws (especially with looks); the world becomes totally centered on them. The more this happens, the more they repel others.  Soon, they find themselves alone and begin to think they don’t deserve anyone. When a man is looking for a wife, any vibes of self hate come through loud and clear. Somehow they get it, that you cannot possibly love them any more than you can love yourself. If you disgust you, how can you possibly love them?

The only reason to get married is because you have decided that this person brings out the very best in you and you in them. The thought of not sharing your life with them is worse than the thought of losing everything else in your life.  It takes that kind of commitment from both of you. Marriage is a lifestyle; the vows are sacred. Prepare yourself to be a good partner instead of focusing on how messed up single guys/women are over 35 years of age.

I have clients who date online. Writing the profile is one of the most difficult parts of online dating. How honest can they be? How honest are the people they are trying to attract? One of my clients is the nicest guy. In fact, his inability to assert and defend himself enables others to take advantage of him. His profile looks something like this: “Single, 40ish male seeks 40ish single female.” He goes on to say he likes to bike, ski (both on water and snow) and try new restaurants. He wrote that he was a professional, but not addicted to his work. He also wrote that he didn't mind kids. He ends with saying that he wants a friend first and foremost.

I like his profile because it is so honest, but it may lack depth. He is not playing any games and is very modest, so he doesn't feel the need to point out all of his numerous assets. Yet, women don't respond to his profile, even though he has his photo up and is nice looking. My client says the reason he thinks women don't respond is because he doesn't say exactly what he does. He believes women want to date more than a professional and would prefer to know exactly what he does so they would know how much money he makes. Really, has it come to that? Women would only be interested in a nice guy like my client if he made a lot of money? Truth be known, my client is very wealthy. He holds back from revealing that because he fears being used for his money.

A close friend of mine is also dating online. Having a relationship is on her list of the top three things she wants in life. When I read her profile, it does not mention the "R" word at all. When I ask her about this, she responds that if guys see the “R” word, it is a turn off and they won't ask her out. She said being honest with what she wants would scare a potential partner away. I would think just the opposite. I think owning want you want assures the likeliness of it happening.

I like the concept of dating online. I have gone to several weddings where the couple met online, but is it more dishonest than dating in person? Game-playing is part of most dating in the very beginning, but if you begin a relationship with deception, when do you start being more honest? Is it deception if you hold back from revealing something you fear may affect securing a date? Below are a few suggestions that can help you end up with the type of person you are looking for. Many of the conflicts that arise from dating online are conflicts within you. Therefore, my first suggestion is to know exactly what you are looking for.

1. Have a friend help you write your profile. Your friend has a way of pointing out your positive points without sounding like you are bragging. Many of us have a difficult time talking about our strengths, because it may sound vain or arrogant. A friend can write about you in a way that is flattering, but also heartfelt.
2. Most people reading your profile don't care about bad or negative things that have happened to you. If you are jaded or cynical, keep it out of your profile. When someone is trying to decide if they want to pursue you and they read that you have had bad experiences with men or women in the past, they will think one of two things. The first is they will think you will be too needy or clingy. Secondly, they may feel you are too difficult. Neither of those may be true, but the reader will never know.
3. Remind yourself that you can only have one relationship at a time (hopefully). Therefore, how many responses you get isn't the goal. The goal is to get people you will actually enjoy to respond. If you talk about sex, you are going to get many responses, but is that what you want? What would you want someone to know about you that would make or break the date? That something is very important. Be honest with everything you say, but don't say too much in the profile.

There are three areas to tread carefully in with online dating. The big three are money, sex and kids. If you have children, your main concern must always be in protecting them. The other two should be mentioned on your profile as you would when meeting someone for the first time (for most of us that means we wouldn't talk about either in depth, if at all). Careers are an area of interest, and what people choose to do with their careers say a lot about them. Knowing how you feel about your work, vision, and what you want in life will send a message of strength in your online profile.