People who are unhappy with themselves and afraid of being alone are alone even if they are married. Due to their fear of being alone they make poor decisions and most of the time decisions are made from a feeling of desperation. Childhood abuse or chaotic family situations can cause a child grief and self loathing. This does not go away. They choose a partner that represents how they feel about themselves. Part of the reason parenting is so important is because you are giving your child not only a loving environment to grow up in, but also you are helping form their relationships as an adult for years to come.

One of the more common predicaments I see with couples therapy is one of the partners has fallen out of love, but is afraid to leave because they don’t want to be alone.  Due to their fear and lost connection with their spouse they reach for another person to comfort them. This threesome usually leads to the demise of the couple’s marriage, and the children involved carry that legacy on. People who tell me they no longer love their spouse, but have found a friend or perfect partner in someone else are people who don’t love themselves. In truth, the person who is married but seeking another for comfort and connection doesn’t love anyone. They are correct when they say they no longer love their spouse; they may never have loved their spouse. You cannot love someone when you don’t like yourself, because you attract someone who loves you at the level you are at. What is difficult for them to see is when you are unhappy and attract a new friend or lover, when you are at perhaps your lowest level of self-esteem. This is not a good time to be choosing partners and very rarely do you make a wise choice. When you love someone, you want to protect them and therefore you would never put them in the middle of a triangle that you constructed. The only person protected in the triangle is you, and that will only be a short time, because the chances are high that both your spouse and lover will leave you once they find out what happened.  This question came to me last week after a Fox 26 segment. This was so apparent and real from the question, that I had to answer the viewer frankly. This viewer was so clouded by the triangle they had constructed that they could no longer see.

Dear Mary Jo,
I was watching Fox TV 26 this morning and it was like you were talking to me. I'm in a marriage that I don't want to be in, but I'm scared to be alone. I have a friend on the side that doesn't understand why I stay and loves me as well. I'm stuck in a relationship that I don't want, and in love with someone who I'm scared might leave me. Thank you! P.T.

Dear PT, Thank you for your honest letter, and I hope this letter will help encourage you, but more importantly, I hope it will motivate you to make changes within yourself. I don’t know your spouse or your friend, but based on your letter I do know you are going to end up alone. You already are, which is why you are seeking solace with another person who does not have your best interest at heart. The reason I can say this with confidence is because it is clear to me that you don’t know or love yourself. You are making unwise decisions due to your fear of being alone and facing your pain. You most likely will not have a healthy marriage or relationship until you become clear of what you are running from. What frightens you so much about being alone? I am going to offer suggestions that I think would be wise for you to get started on before you make decisions regarding your marriage.

1. You need to begin counseling on your own so you can get stronger within yourself. You won’t do what you need to do unless you have professional support.
2. You need to tell your friend the truth that you are only thinking of yourself right now. That you are not in a position of loving yourself let alone another person. Tell your friend as honestly as you can that you have been using them as a way to not be alone. Saying this aloud will help empower you.
3. 3.     Most likely, you are projecting a savior image on to your friend, and this is not reality. Your friend is waiting around because they are at your level of self love. Two halves can never create a whole in relationships. It takes two whole people to create a healthy relationship.
4. If your spouse is abusive, then you must leave. That includes emotional, sexual or physical abuse. If they are not abusive then you should go to them, and tell them you are unhappy in your life. Tell them you need to work on you, and the stronger you become the more the marriage will change. Ask them how they feel about this. Ask them if they are happy. Ask them if they want a more connected, loving marriage. You need to begin talking to your spouse. Don’t blame them for your unhappiness, but let them know you are tired of being unhappy and want to change.
5. You need to take responsibility for your situation because it is your fear that is keeping you there. You have the power to change that if you take ownership of it. Part of taking ownership is going to the doctor if you are depressed and being assessed so they can give you the proper treatment. Many people in triangles are also depressed. 

Fear and love rule the world and relationships. When your fear being alone, and facing your own demons keeps you locked in an unhealthy relationship, it is time to face your demons and work through the pain. Happiness is waiting for you, but it’s inside you. No person can make us happy if we are afraid of being alone. That isn’t love, that’s fear.

Couples reach out at all times in their marriage for marital counseling. Perhaps the worst time is when there is an impending divorce date on the calendar. Beginning marital therapy with an impending divorce date is the epitome of procrastination and many times won’t be successful. If you have an impending date, you have already told your partner with actions that you do not believe the marriage can be salvaged. It’s analogous to a dieter who joins weight watchers for the first time but also stops on the way to the meeting for a bag of chips. You have sabotaged yourself before you get started.

A divorce or separation doesn’t just happen; it takes years. In fact, the mean is seven years plus or minus two to create a divorce. Conflict resolution is always more effective when you deal with it right away. Many couples let things go, thinking they will resolve themselves, and sometimes they do. However, if the same problem keeps occurring, it is a good time to intervene. Faulty patterns established in order to resolve a situation make their way into the marriage without intervention. These faulty patterns bring a temporary solution, but they are usually not healthy or well thought out. Alcohol, drugs, eating, withdrawing, yelling, shopping and emotional affairs could be considered temporary solutions. It is the temporary solution rather than the marriage that is problematic. The temporary solution is also why the divorce is impending.

Couples may say the reason they don’t get help with their marriage is because their partner won’t go to therapy. The newest research is supporting that if one partner goes to marital therapy, the marriage will improve. The research is more positive if the woman goes by herself, and this may be for several reasons including that the majority of divorces are initiated by the woman. During therapy, the couple learns that it is not their partner who needs to change but themselves. Changing your reaction changes everything.

If you find yourself with an impending divorce date, and you both aren’t sure if you really want to go through with it, you do have options. Below are 5 suggestions you should consider prior to calling a therapist for help.

1. Talk to your spouse and tell them directly you do not want a divorce. Ask them if they are willing to work on the marriage. Be clear, don’t hint.
2. Postpone the court date that you have scheduled for your divorce.
3. Each of you should write down three weaknesses about yourself that makes it difficult for your partner to love you.
4. Each of you should write down five reasons you believe the marriage can make it.
5. Whichever one of you initiated the divorce should consider beginning therapy on your own first and then finding a couples counselor. This does not have to be the same counselor, and often is not since the couples counselor must be fair at all times and not show favoritism. If you have a relationship with a therapist, it may be difficult for the therapist to be objective with the two of you.

If you go to couples counseling with temporary solutions before the marriage becomes destructive, it is highly likely you will be successful at enhancing your marital communication. The worst time to begin therapy is with an impending divorce date; however, personally, I would rather have a couple seek help at any time rather than walk away from their marriage.

*These suggestions are not meant for abusive marriages. In the case of abuse, leave the marriage; protect yourself and your children.

“Wanting things for the wrong reasons can turn anyone’s life into a marshmallow on a stick over a hot fire: impossibly messy and eventually consumed, one way or another.”-Deb Calet

Couple after couple comes in to my office each week working toward making their marriage or relationship the healthiest it can be. I join their team and we work toward goals that are established during the first session. I have learned that unless a couple has specific goals and a vision for the marriage, it flounders. Being married for the sake of being married is not worthwhile, and even the best marriage gets stale if you don’t continue to spice it up with new goals and visions for the future. One of the problems every couple encounters is “the right way.” The real problem with “the right way” is you had no part in establishing it. The right way was the way your parents raised you, their attitude and their philosophy. Whether you function more on your mother’s right way or your father’s right way doesn’t really matter in the end…it’s your attachment to the “right way” that can destroy your marriage.

I have listened to more “right ways” than I can tell you. I sometimes show a “time out” to my couples and say, “Enough…no more ‘right ways,’ please.They laugh, it breaks the tension and we go on taking apart the real issues. The complicated part of all of this is that your right way was once adored by your spouse. She or he may have humored themselves by talking about the “Sue way” or “Jim way.” For some reason this chuckling ceases, with anger and resentment filling the space. Couples begin criticizing one another for their controlling right way behavior. From here it is a snowball effect. Soon couples are using sex as a weapon to get their way, withdrawing to achieve space and focusing on what they no longer have in common. The end of the story is the marriage grows apart, the distance creates a void, and the couple either medicates with a new lover, a new drug, a new house, a baby, or a new look. Most therapists intercept the couple at the later stage making it difficult to save the marriage.

It is helpful for you as a couple if you begin now thinking about your attachments. We all know that harmony and peace are highly correlated with your ability to detach. For example, if you load the dishwasher and your partner comes after you and re-loads it without saying a word (and hopefully not in your presence), detaching from that is easy. However, if your partner comes to you, re-loads the dishwasher and gives you a “mini lecture on how to load the dishwasher” after you have loaded it and unloaded it for twenty years in the marriage, you may want to take note. Your partner is telling you something and it isn’t about the dishwasher. Your partner is telling you they are attached to a familiar way, and they are feeling like you aren’t giving them enough attention. They may feel resentful that they aren’t being heard, respected, and overall that you don’t care. What? “How did I get all of that from the dishwasher?” I got it, because every day I listen to couples, and every day I come home to a spouse and I have begun to pay attention to all of the little unsaid things that happen in a marriage. If you want a great marriage, it would behoove you to pay attention to the little things too, especially the “right way” conflicts. While you’re doing that, here are a few tips to detach from the “right way” so you can begin seeing the real stuff underneath.

1. Write down all of the “right way” tapes you learned as a child growing up. For example, in my family of origin the right way was to complete the task as soon and efficiently as possible. That made sense to my father’s life; he had nine kids to feed, a huge yard, and little education. That does not make sense for Mary Jo Rapini who is a psychotherapist, writer, lecturer, and media expert. I need to slow down. Of course…I married a man whose right way is complete, thought about, cautious, contemplated and slow…OIY.
2. When you see the right way expressed by your spouse, before you get angry or tense, look at them and slow the right way down. When they re-load the dishwasher, watch, touch their arm, and thank them. If you don’t have time for that response, give them a quick kiss and tell them thanks (reminding them that the right way is their way may work as a short fix, but won’t help with the underlying feeling your spouse is not expressing).
3. If your right way begins making you obnoxious at home and at work (your spouse will tell you you’re obnoxious, your colleagues may not), it’s time to take action. That means the right way you learned as a child is the wrong way for your life now. It means you have to become a pioneer and re-create your new and improved right way. May I suggest, “Letting go of a certain way to achieve the same goal?”
4. Begin saying this mantra aloud each morning and night, “Peace is more precious to me than doing it the right way (my way). You must be the one who changes, because if your spouse continues being told the right way, sooner or later they are going to be seething and resentful, or leave.

The right way is our way. We all want our way to be our spouse’s right way, but that only happens the first year of marriage and it’s not very healthy. Marriage is all about growth. It’s about learning, evolving, and being completely vulnerable to another. Being willing to leave a marriage because you didn’t get your way sounds immature and child like, but it happens all the time. Rather than fight about the right way, practice detaching, talking and understanding the feelings underneath. Marriage is a lot like yoga; you practice, and some days you detach and bend easier than others. Detaching and keeping it flexible allows your marriage to grow and expand in depth and love. The right way for a marriage must work for US, the wrong way works for ME.

There was an interesting article in the New York Times January 7, 2012 about a young woman who had a Lap-Band weight loss surgery after years of suffering the emotional journey of an overweight kid. The story was very honest about what to expect with this type of surgery, and it also tracked the journey of the young woman. The story is of interest to many as more and more teens and adults are turning toward the option of weight loss surgery. The latest number of weight loss surgeries performed in the United States is 220,000 per year. That is a seven-fold increase over the past 10 years according to the New York Times article. Weight loss surgeries do save lives and also improve quality of lives for sure, but they aren’t for everyone. The surgeons do the surgery and are skilled at centers of excellence, but unless the patients come back, join support groups and stay in contact with dietitians, falling off track is way too easy and, unfortunately, many of them do, including the young woman in the NYT story.

I run several food addiction groups in Houston, and was featured as the psychotherapist for TLC’s hit show “Big Medicine.” On the show, I worked closely with Drs. Robert and Garth Davis. We tried to give the viewer an honest look at what happened with the weight loss surgery and the journey after. My work now is primarily with revisions. Revisions are the surgery done when the first weight loss surgery failed. My office is full, as are my support groups. What happened to the patients that so eagerly came into our offices feeling empowered and ready to give up their morbid obesity forever? They are replaced with patients who hang their head feeling like they failed. Even though they feel defeated, the ones I see are the fortunate ones who were able to step out of their shame cycle, call their insurance company and ask for a second chance. They need a second chance because neither they nor we (the health team) had a full picture of what was underneath their weight. They couldn’t see it prior to surgery, and since they are their own historians telling us their story, we are blinded also.

I believe in weight loss surgery, but I believe more in the knowledge we impart to the patient prior to and after the surgery. Performing an alteration, such as a weight loss surgery, is a huge decision, but in the case of a minor I think the whole bariatric medicine team must be on board. There has to be a built in safety net to handle the transformation of the child as well as their family. Everyone who loves the patient must change when someone they love has weight loss surgery.  The counselor, dietitian, and surgeon must know all of the family members. We must know who is sabotaging and enabling that patient on an emotional level. Enablers are the people still giving the patient food as a source of love. Our bariatric treatment teams must also understand if simply making better food and lifestyle choices worked, it would have worked 20 diets ago. It did not. Obesity has an addictive component, and addictions are kept in place by denial. Most patients will tell you they are not addicted to food exactly the same as an alcoholic will tell you they aren’t addicted to alcohol. The question is: “Do you use food to comfort yourself?” If the patient says “YES,” then treat them for a food addiction. Do this because they are telling you they have a relationship with food that is emotionally based and most likely they are choosing a food with high fat or high carbohydrates (not one of my patients has ever had an addiction/emotional relationship to steamed or raw vegetables).

Whenever a patient feels like a failure after going through the process of weight loss surgery and everything it entails, it is heart wrenching not only to them, but to me and anyone working in this field. If insurance companies won’t cover patient care for years to come after the surgery, then we in the field are going to have to put these measures in place and make them affordable to the patients. We cannot tell a patient they need to continue in groups and follow-ups if they can no longer afford the cost. Whoever said, “Weight loss surgery is a quick fix” truly never had weight loss surgery or worked with my patients. There is nothing quick about it. Obesity is a disease and once you have it, losing the weight is the easy part, managing that loss is a life long journey.

Every human tells lies and they lie to save themselves. Unless you are being tortured or threatened that someone will take your life or someone’s life you love, lies are a way to help us feel less guilty, less embarrassed, less responsible for what we did, or vindicated for what we failed to do. When someone is lying to you there is only one person who should be defensive or worried, and that’s the liar. If you are receiving the lie then stepping back, being curious, and detaching are important so you don’t become the person who is out of control. The worst thing about being lied to is the voice you hear loudly inside telling you that you are being lied to, and the person lying to you thinks you don’t know. It’s humiliating, confusing, and because of the feelings you feel, you may go along with the lie just to avoid the upheaval of dissecting and resolving the lie.

Going along with the lie the liar told is much different than believing the lie. In fact, many couples that come to see me have relationship issues that are the result of having a “lie” shared between the two of them. These lies can be the manifestation of many different issues the liar tried to cover up, but most of the time the lie is about a previous relationship of one of the partners that wasn’t ever truly resolved. What is most fascinating is that the liar may still be lying with his or her mouth, but their body is telling both their spouse and me the truth. In my own professional opinion, I believe the partner knows their partner is lying to them, but they want me to say it because they cannot bear confronting the lie again. 

A typical lie may look like this…in fact, this is a real question I received from a viewer who asked me what I thought. I could not answer it without seeing the couple, but what do you think? 

Mary Jo, I found out that my husband is still talking to his ex girlfriend online. I confronted him about it and he told me he never replied to her. I was reading all of his messages, and it shows that he does reply back to her. What can I do? Stephanie.

It is obvious this guy is lying to his wife, but many lies are not this blatant. In fact, people go to great lengths to hide their lies, and often it is very difficult to ascertain the truth. In fact, for many couples there is a point where the truth is so distorted and nebulous that they give up on ever hearing the real truth. When the non-lying partner reaches this point they have taken control of the situation. It is here where they can make their wisest decisions going forward. They no longer need the exact truth, because they see their partner for whom and what they are. It is at this point that they can usually tell their partner, “I know you have lied to me, and I forgive you. I cannot forget what you did, but I do recognize that you lied due to a weakness within yourself, and I won’t take responsibility for your weakness.”

Couples ask me if there is such a thing as being married or committed to someone who has never lied. As a professional, I would have to say, “No.” Since everyone lies, I think it is more reasonable to believe you may have been lied to. I also think the wiser choice is to watch what words come out of your own mouth and make them as honest as possible to your partner and anyone else’s life you touch. Making this your practice, you may be able to go to sleep at night and know in your own heart of hearts that you don’t lie. I think I should mention the few times I have heard a spouse say (to their partner and me in my office) that they never lied. Their body was restless and their eyes were darting side to side. My voice inside told me…they’re lying.

To be remembered: There are people who are Pathological Liars. This article does not include them. Pathological Liars have a mental illness much different from the norm and if you are in a relationship with a Pathological Liar your wisest decision would be to flee the situation. If you are married to a Pathological Liar, they need Cognitive Behavioral Counseling and medication to improve their condition.

Getting “let go of,” separated or “dumped” is one of the most humiliating, depressing, and emotionally difficult experiences most of us will ever go through. For many couples, feeling more distance and tension are preludes that their partner isn’t happy and wants out of the relationship. Many of those same couples assume their partner will wait until after the holidays to lower the boom, not imagining anyone could be so cruel as to break it off during this time of year. When the split happens prior to or during all of the festivities, it leaves you feeling shocked, abandoned, desperate and depressed. Along with the actual break up, the holidays come at the worst time of year with shorter days and longer nights. When this happens to you, it is unwise to try and convince your partner to hang on for a few more weeks or shame them into re-committing to you.

When men or women call me for advice, telling me they have been dumped, it would be easier for me to tell them what not to do. Don’t give your ex a call to come over for sex, and don’t harm their property or body. If you have kids, don’t use the kids to try and cajole them to come back. Although these points seem obvious, when you are in the panic and desperation of wanting your “old life back,” these ideas seem logical. Make no mistake, they are not. Your partner will use them for reasons why you are too crazy for them and why they have to exit the relationship.  There will be very few ways to comfort yourself with immediate soothing; however, with time and taking some control back with these suggestions, it won’t be long before you are feeling stronger.

1.     Reach out and help someone else. A study in Personnel Psychology noted that there is a 25% improvement in mood when helping others. The less you focus on yourself right now the better.

2.     If at all possible, get away for the holidays. No matter when a break-up happens, the first holiday alone is bad. Go somewhere or make plans to spend the holidays with someone.

3.     Don’t wait for the New Year to join a gym. You won’t feel like exercising, but you need to go. The endorphins that are released during a gym work out help alleviate depression and anxiety.

4.     Journal your thoughts, and write at least one thing you are grateful for each day. Take your journal to bed with you and place it on a side table. When you cannot sleep, write. It helps to get your thoughts out on paper. Feeling grateful despite your misery helps it hurt less.

5.     Counseling can help, and most counselors have extended hours during the holidays. A counselor will help guide you through the trenches immediately following a break up. They also help you focus on the big picture when this small piece feels like your whole life.

6.     No one should go through a break up without good friends and family. This is a time to be able to ask for support. Many of your friends and family probably saw the break up coming long before you did.

It is important to remember that only those who love can suffer a broken heart. Everyone has their heart broken at some point in their life. There is no doubt that the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” was written for the person being dumped. There is a universal truth that you should repeat if this happens to you, “If it ended, it was broken.” Some things cannot be glued back together when they are broken. You can enjoy a meaningful holiday anyway! 

When I get a call from a Urologist to refer a patient suffering erectile dysfunction, my mind typically sees a 50 plus year old gentleman. Recently this image in my mind is being replaced with a 20 plus year old that is addicted to internet porn. Viewing porn has been around for some time, but it has never been as accessible 24 hours a day to the majority of men. Women also view internet porn, but not to the same extent. Women aren’t as visual as men when it comes to sex. A clean dishwasher, red pumps or an expensive handbag is more likely to turn women on.

Marnia Robinson, a former corporate lawyer, reported in “Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction” that low libido (which is now happening to men in their twenties) is caused by continuous over-stimulation of dopamine, the same neurotransmitter that activates the body’s reaction to sexual pleasure by repeatedly viewing pornography on the Internet. This causes men to become desensitized to normal stimuli, and they need increasingly extreme experiences to become sexually aroused.  Most of the young men I see never believed this could be a problem with Internet porn. In fact, the majority of them see me after seeing their Urologist only to hear that everything checks out normal. Although their testosterone and other health measures may be normal, the fact that they cannot achieve an erection is not normal. They suffer from an addiction and like all addictions, denial of the problem, and continuing to use the “vice” keeps it in place.

Internet porn addicts differ from porn addicts in that they don’t frequent strip clubs, and adult bookstores; rather, they isolate themselves while engaging in their addiction. They can spend hours or even lose days looking at Internet porn. Therefore, it is likely they are in a loveless marriage, or not dating. Their addiction takes over their life totally.

The most common signs and symptoms of an Internet porn addiction are listed below from a book titled, “The Porn Trap:”

• Using the Internet for hours with or without breaks
• Becoming more anxious or depressed
• They ignore friends, family, or personal responsibility
• They lie about spending time on the Internet and what they are doing while on the Internet
• They become irritable when Internet use is disrupted
• They anticipate when they may be able to use the Internet again

If you are in a relationship with someone addicted to Internet porn, you will notice they want less sex with you, seem to lack interest, and withdraw intimacy with you in many ways. They prefer spending time alone, and in the case of marriage, they withdraw from “family times” more and more.

There is a way out of addiction to Internet porn, but like any addiction, beginning is easier than quitting. These three suggestions are the best place to begin:

1. Cure depends mostly on the addict’s ability to see the problem. Knowing you have a problem is the first step to improving your life. If you are trying to help your partner give up Internet porn, try not to accuse harshly, but rather work with them at setting stronger boundaries. Just as with smokers or drinkers, the first time doesn’t always work with quitting.

2. Whenever you quit something that has been your main vice, you will have lots of extra time on your hands. During that time you are not calm, but incredibly anxious, depressed, feeling flu-like and impulsive. Trying to quit an Internet porn addiction without being enrolled in a support group will be less effective. When you are feeling at your weakest, being able to call a sponsor who has been there and done that is reassuring and helpful in making sure you stay away from Internet/phone porn.

3. Explore new healthy coping mechanisms to help you deal with stress, anger, boredom, depression, and life. This is done most effectively with the help of a counselor or treatment center. Counselors and treatment centers work as a team to help make you stronger, since being isolated with your addiction is the worst thing you can do. 

What may have begun innocently with a group of friends, can turn into a monster; isolating you from everyone, especially the one you love the most. At that point it is important that you shut off your phone, close your lap top, and take a good honest look at your life. The addicted mind will tell you all sorts of lies. When you believe your own lies, the addiction has conquered you. Having an erectile dysfunction at the age of twenty five or thirty because you cannot get turned on normally with your wife or girlfriend is not normal. For the health of it, get help. 

Women still initiate the majority of divorces in the United States. The reasons are varied, and it doesn’t really matter why it happened in the mind of the man who is left. If there are kids, the silence can be deafening because when your wife leaves, the kids usually go with her. Feelings of anger and rejection can overpower men and lead to life-threatening behaviors. Many times, men do not have the network system to offer emotional support and encouragement like women do. This leaves them to vices such as alcohol, driving too fast, physical aggression, and violence. When men are upset, it takes their heart, respirations, and blood pressure longer to return to normal readings than it does for women. For most men, having their wife walk out on them is a sign of failure, and failure is unfortunately viewed as being weak. The only way a guy is taught to handle feeling weak is to get angry, which begins the cycle of anger that the man’s wife left when she walked out the door.

Men feel and act much quicker than women do. When men feel alone or hurt, they are not socialized to go to other men to talk about their feelings. They are socialized to talk to women. This usually leads to them “hooking up” with another woman before they are prepared emotionally. Women view relationships with more intensity in the beginning than men do. This usually means for the guy who isn’t emotionally available that, once again, he will fail and be rejected. Women are also judgmental of these men as the men often don’t get close enough or vulnerable enough to be understood. If she cannot understand, she has no recourse other than to judge the present behavior.

By the time these men make it into my office, they are broken. Many times they are sleep deprived, confused, hurt, and angry. Trying to convince him at that time to cease using the vices he has been socialized or mentored to use by friends, family, and the media is almost impossible. He needs a fix, but his emotional and physical health depends on him feeling the pain and grieving it before moving on. He won’t trust his ability to grieve until he has other options to help him manage it. Here are several options for men dealing with a loss of love. They can be done alone or with the guidance of a counselor or third party:

1.     Begin writing down your thoughts. Writing it seems to be cathartic, whereas holding it in your head can make you more confused and angry. Get a journal and make it your mission to fill it daily or hourly.

2.     Each day, make sure you talk with someone you trust. This can be a simple text or email, but communicating with someone else is important. This will help give you balance and stability at a time you feel off-kilter and rocked.

3.     Pray. Pray every day. It doesn’t have to be an organized prayer, just talk to your god. Talking to a minister or mentor from the church can help you feel less alone.

4.     Go to the gym or walk outside each day. Movement releases endorphins, which helps improve your mood and lower your depression.

5.     Watch what you eat. When you eat more carbs you may become more tired, depressed and unmotivated. Your body reacts to your moods, so taking care of your body when you are down becomes more essential.  

6.     If your family is concerned that you are acting depressed or moody, don’t get defensive. Make an appointment to see your doctor; it is not a sign of weakness to go on anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants at this time. Many times, when we are depressed or anxious, those closest to us see it first. 

7.     Allow yourself a specific amount of time to think about your ex each day. Shorten that time by minutes or hours each week. In the beginning it will be very difficult to distract yourself, so use exercise as a way to do that. When you find yourself thinking of your ex, do 50 pushups or sit ups. You will begin feeling more confident and in control.

8.     If you have children, continue your relationship with them. Children feel grief intensely and act on it quickly. They will be struggling, too, so try not to dump adult emotions on them. Never let your anger for your ex become stronger than the love you feel for your children.

9.     Night time is the worst time; for that first week or two, have someone you can talk to even in the middle of the night when it is really bad. Good friends and family will understand and want to help.

10.   If there ever was a time to adopt a dog, this may be the best. A dog needs a home and you need unconditional love.

11.  Many men see a divorce or a break up is a sign of failure. That may or may not be true, but it takes two to fail. It wasn’t all your fault no matter what your ex may say. We all make mistakes; the important aspect is to learn from them.

12.   Investing yourself in a higher cause post break-up will help occupy your thoughts and surround you with like-minded people who know how to give back. Doing something physical helps most guys process anger without acting it out in a way that can hurt them.

The biggest hurdle for guys dealing with any crisis is that they aren’t allowed by the “man code” to ask for help. This may sound ridiculous to women, but it is true. I am not sure who developed the man code, but this part of the code needs to change. Men medicate with more women after a break-up than women do, and they die sooner after the loss of their wife than women do after the loss of a husband. Most of the time, this is due to their inability to grieve in a healthy social network where they can express their sadness and loss. Guys will be emotionally healthier if they allow themselves to step back, express their feelings, and figure out what they want before hooking up with someone who asks for emotions they are incapable of giving.

When couples come to therapy, one of their very first assignments is to write down their mission statement for the marriage. I am asking them for the main reason they are married. The answers are varied and may look like, “We fell in love” or “We got pregnant.” Sometimes, the answers are a bit funny, such as “Who else would have me?” We sit and listen to the couples’ individual reasons and get an idea of what is important to them as a couple. This is an important part of the therapy, mostly because as we begin to work on the marriage we hear all sorts of complaints. These complaints make me wonder why this couple got married in the first place. For example, they may complain that their partner nags them, or they have to settle for one person for the rest of their life to fulfill their fantasies. They complain about no longer being able to enjoy strip clubs, or staring at young hot women (this is something guys do the majority of the time more than females). Sometimes they even complain about having to spend their money on their family instead of the toys they want. These reasons may seem selfish or ridiculous for anyone who is married, but they are reasons for which many married couples seek therapy.

When we begin changing things within the marriage, many times what happens is the couple decides that they aren’t really good marital partners. Therapy is all about communication and for perhaps the first time in this couple’s life they are communicating honestly. Along with that honesty are also feelings of resentment and hostility. He didn’t know that looking at other women offended his wife and she was plotting an affair to get desired attention she didn’t get from him. Or she didn’t know that her husband was gaining weight because he was depressed due to lack of physical touch from her. For some reason, they felt like they were married and that’s all they needed to do. They believed their marriage was forever and it was their right to complain about it, berate it, but were not invested enough to work on improving it. Marriages can linger in this state for years, but they will eventually succumb to a crisis which becomes a catalyst to improve the marriage or end it.

No marriage needs to get to that point. But…to avoid that crisis point you need to stop the lingering state of indifference. The lingering state (about seven years give or take a few) is where the biggest improvements can happen. New marital research has proven that couples who are educated seem to also do better with marriage. They marry smarter (better choices with partners), and they are more apt to be aware of this lingering state and quicker to correct it. They seem to have a lower threshold for simply lingering when they can enjoy a close, connected relationship. Marital research also suggests you can actually teach people prior to marriage how to avoid this lingering state. You can teach them by mentoring, using your own marriage (especially parents), and you can teach them by providing pre-marital counseling.

If you are aware of your marriage being in the “lingering state,” it is important that you bring it to the attention of your spouse. Rather than mentioning the word divorce, you must think of your marriage as a human, living thing. Your marriage in medical terms is ill and may need life support, but it is not dead. Lingering does not mean the end of the marriage. It means you need to act NOW. Below are suggestions for your marriage if you think it is in need of life support.

1.     Just as a physician would put a very ill patient on life support, your marriage will need to be on life support with the help of a trained counselor. The counselor can help stabilize your marriage so you can begin peeling off layers of denial in order to deal with critical issues that must be resolved.

2.     The benefits of a healthy marriage are to encourage each other’s personal growth as well as their growth as a couple. This is achievable because the more secure each person feels, the more authentic they can become. The more authentic each of them becomes, the more free they begin to feel because they are accepted at their core. This is what gives the marriage its spark.

3.     Nothing changes without goals. If you are in a stagnant lingering stage, there is nothing that works better than to sit down with your partner and identify 3 tangible goals you can work on to make your marriage more secure.

Marriage can be the very best lifestyle imaginable or it can be hell on earth. The couple together has a choice of which of these it will be. So much energy is spent on trying to determine which gender is appropriate for marriage. I think we would be much wiser to focus our energy on improving marriages so that every child born into one had the assurance of growing up in a healthy marriage where two people loved being married to one another.

When you create your marriage, you are creating your story. Every story has twists, turns, plots you didn’t expect and, of course, the ending. Hopefully, the ending of your marriage will be the ending of you or, in other words, “Till death do you part.” However, sometimes in your story there are twists or turns that neither you nor your partner may have seen coming that can change the whole story.

It is at these times that counseling, talking to your minister, or going on a marital retreat may be beneficial in helping you maneuver these twists and turns. However, there is another method that is now commonly supported by those of us in the field of trying to empower couples and improve their marriages. Kids in a healthy marriage do so much better than children raised in co-habitation or in a single parent home. It makes sense that if you have a loving partner in a committed marriage, helping you with child rearing, that the kids will be able to focus on learning at school and feel more secure in their home environment. This new method couples are being asked to try is a limited separation. In the state of Texas, there is no legal separation; therefore, it is important that you work with a third party, such as a counselor, rabbi, minister or mediator, to set up a plan that will maintain security for the couple as well as the children.

This method became more important after researchers surveyed thousands of divorced couples. It was discovered that most couples actually thought they could have worked things out if they had taken a break or separated for a limited time to cool off. Hearing words like, “I don’t love you anymore,” or, “I don’t want to go to counseling, it’s over,” are heartbreaking, but it doesn’t mean a divorce is the next step. What it may symbolize is, “I’ve had it, and I am limited in my options of what will work right now feeling the way I do.” Divorce is so common that couples gravitate toward what they know. Most couples have friends who divorce, but how many have friends who separate, work it out, and then come together stronger and better at communicating than in the past? Most of us know very few of these.

If your marriage has hit a crisis point and you are burned out trying to figure out how to make it work, perhaps a separation is a wise next step. These steps will help you set up the separation, but it is advised that you let a third party lead the way. They are objective, but the goal is the same: to help you preserve your marriage.

1.     Communication: It is important to set up the rules for communication. If there is a lot of anger, perhaps try talking face to face or on the phone once a week and other days a short text. Whoever you are working with should help you work this out. As you become less angry, the communication should become more frequent and face to face.

2.     Set a Goal: The couple will have the most success if they set their goal on keeping the marriage and making it work. If one person wants the marriage and the other doesn’t, that needs to be stated up front so the rules of separation can be adjusted.

3.     Access to the kids should never be a condition with separation (unless there is abuse and, in that case, a separation is not advised).

4.     Date night: Dates should be planned into the separation. The dates are an opportunity to re-connect by engaging in conversation and enjoying one another, rather than fighting or arguing.

5.     Dating others during a separation is verboten: You are still married, and the objective is to get space to figure out what you are doing to enhance or sabotage your marriage. After you have time away and can calm down, working toward resolution is more likely.

I have been married for a long time. We are very different people, but we share the same goal of our union. We want to be together, and that makes all the difference. Even when I am mad at him, I want to be his wife. When he gets angry at me, he wants to be my husband. Our story has had many twists and turns, but the story goes on. At the end of the day, ask yourself, “How sacred is my marriage to me?” Do you value it as much as you do your money, car, house, kids, friends, and everything else? A separation at a marriage crisis point is for those who say, “YES” to that question. There is no absolute guarantee that you will be married forever, but you make it more likely if you value your marriage more than anything else.