I am working toward a national TV show that teaches people what healthy marriages look like. My goal is to teach or have the show mentor how to build a strong marriage, the sorts of issues that arise and the healthiest way to resolve conflicts. Current television programs as well as magazine articles, movies and music don’t represent marriage very well. The area they do the worst job covering is married sex.  In many ways, even though most of the single people I know want to get married, the marriage rate has gone down (especially among the uneducated). Couples who believed that cohabitating would keep their sex hot have been disillusioned and disappointed when they found that what keeps sex hot is the security and commitment to one another. Moving in together without a commitment to one another may have made the sex better at first, but once the couple began leaning more on one another and having expectations of one another, the sex dwindled just as it does in a marriage that isn’t working.

No matter how perfect you are for one another or how great your marriage is, you will get bored with one another from time to time. It is fascinating to talk with a couple that has been married for twenty years and try to imagine what they still see in each other. How can anything be novel or exciting, and how do they beat the boredom? What you must remember is, no one is the same person each day, each month or each year. A healthy marriage helps each person grow and evolve. I think it’s fair to say that the healthier the marriage the more you can embrace and expect each person to grow and change. The way they communicate their love changes too. My husband says things and touches me now in a way that is much deeper than when we first married. When we call each other from another city, our way of communicating is different than it was when we first married. I get him, and he gets me. Couples who have been happily married for a long time understand the concept of feeling “freer” with marriage than they were being single. A healthy marriage supports both people’s ability to become the people they want to become. 

Great sex is highly correlated with understanding your partner. For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be. This affects their partner and is what makes their partner love sex with them. Men’s need for visual variety is much higher than women’s. Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men’s clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth; this is a rote, “in the box thinking,” excuse. If couples talk about this need, they can both do things that will help provide variety and not lead to the potential problems that men’s clubs and watching pornography may cause. When a married couple is struggling with their sex life, the biggest obstacle is convincing the couple that they must keep talking about their sex life. One of the assignments I give each of my married couples who are unhappy with their marital sex life is to talk about their sex life for 10 minutes, four days a week. This proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. Couples can go on “date night” and talk about their kids all night, but if one of them interjects, “Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now,” you would most likely hear silence at best, a groan at worst.

Some of women’s views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). The fact that it is not valued by society contributes to women not valuing intimacy or sex as much as they do their children and their numerous other chores. Women don’t use sex as a stress reliever as men do, because it isn’t a stress reliever. It becomes a chore when a woman feels as if she has numerous jobs to do, and lists pleasing her husband as another one of those jobs. Many women don’t understand the importance of their sexual health and how important sex is to a healthy marriage. It isn’t uncommon for me to counsel a forty year old woman who has been married for years but has never had an orgasm and has no idea how to achieve one. For this woman sex is a stressor and a chore.   It takes understanding on both sides; the wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife. If a husband can help alleviate some of her other tasks, and she can do little things such as touching and embracing him more, it may help alleviate some of his stress without adding to hers. Many women will tell me the reason they don’t hug or touch their husband more is because the husband’s mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels “too tired to get into all of that.”

If we are going to build healthier families, we must begin with building healthier marriages. If we are going to build healthier marriages, we must build healthier communication. If we are going to build healthier communication among married couples, we must be able to talk about our sexual feelings with our spouses. If you are going to talk about your feelings toward sex, you have to become aware of your sexual/sensual self as a person. Below are a few suggestions to help you get started.

1. The brain is the largest sex organ. You have to start here to feel good about sex. If you are angry or anxious about a partner, you have to deal with the brain first. Anger that is held in does not create good sex nor does it help you feel sexy.
2. Your attitude. Embrace yourself—you don’t need to be a perfect size. If you have curves and hips, embrace them. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of women. Most of us have flaws, cellulite, acne, wrinkles. These “flaws” will not distract from a beautiful smile or a warm embrace. Take a lesson from your man. Men are much better at embracing and not seeing their flaws than women are.
3. Fantasize. The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it. Read romance novels, listen to music, and watch movies. I caution couples not to share their fantasies unless they involve one another.
4. Get to know your body. Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch? Do you get goose bumps when you touch a place on your neck or tummy? This knowledge is very important and helpful to the person loving you. Your partner cannot read your mind so let them know what feels good.
5. Foreplay. The name tells you what it is for. Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day. If sex relieves men’s stress, talking relieves women’s. Guys, make sure you call or text your lady during the day, as this will help alleviate her stress and she may be more receptive to helping you relieve yours at night. Note to remember: Women have less stress when they are emotionally connected. Guys have decreased stress when they are physically connected. (Guys, talking and listening to your lady decreases her stress. Sex happens when women are NOT stressed). These rules do not apply to dating, but usually someone isn’t being authentic.

It would be short sighted for couples to get married and talk about “till death do us part” if they didn’t consider what they were going to do to keep their sex life interesting. Yet, that is what happens to most couples who wed. Couples talk about their new place settings, TVs, and bedrooms sets, but are naïve about the issues that will have a huge impact on their ability to keep their marriage healthy. Married sex has the capacity to be the best sex, but only if the couple values its importance. In the end, it’s not the lifestyle of marriage that sets the snore factor. It’s the couple who sets it and snores.

Study after study is shedding light on the perils of dropping out of high school. Besides not being able to make a reasonable living, own your own home, and have a comfortable retirement, you also may never be able to find time to get married. It is projected that within one or two years, less than half of the U.S. adult population will be married. This fact has social implications. The steady decrease in marriage rates is not only changing family values but it is contributing to the family’s economic inequality.

The Pew Research Center reports that in 1960 nearly three-fourths of adults eighteen and older were married. By 2010, that number was down to fifty-one percent. What is perhaps more disturbing is that four out of ten babies are born to unmarried women. In 1960, it made no difference if you were educated or not. Your chances of being married were the same. Now, nearly two-thirds of college graduates are married as compared to less than half of those with a high school diploma or less. The less education you have, the less likely you are to marry, and the more likely you will divorce if you do marry.

What came first? Did couples who weren’t educated choose not to be married because they didn’t want the additional financial burden? Or do people who quit school do so due to their parents’ marital stress they witness as children, leaving them feeling isolated, alone and as if no one cares? Is quitting school at fifteen a better option if they can find a job and get out of a chaotic home? There are so many questions with the Pew Research Center results, and people in the field of saving as well as promoting marriage and healthy families are trying to come up with solutions. It’s imperative that we do something as a society because we know that being raised in a stable, two-parent household is a strong predictor of educational achievement. Taking that one step further, educational achievement does predict your lifetime income.

There is another change that researchers in the field are finding. In our parent’s generation, men and women married down or up at an equal level. Now couples are marrying who share degrees or levels of education. Women are going to college and getting advanced degrees at a higher rate than ever before. The higher educated couples are so much better off financially than the single parents or the couples without education. But couples at the lower end of the economic ladder are having more kids. These kids are growing up with one parent and no money. The cycle is sure to worsen if we don’t do something about it now.

Cohabitation is different among the educated as well. Among the college or advanced degree couples, co-habitation is more likely a stepping-stone after engagement to be married. With the uneducated, co-habitation is often the end of the road. Sometimes they will co-habitat in an effort to save money for a wedding and a residence. However, children may be born into this lifestyle more likely than not and a recent report from Smartmarriages.com reported that three-fourths of children born into co-habitation see their parents split up by the age of twelve. Those are bad odds for kids. Those are bad odds for us as a society. 

There is no one solution to this problem. In a fantasy world, we would mandate that every child finish high school and get some sort of higher education after high school. We would teach boys and girls to focus on their careers, and tutor them as well as their parents if they began falling behind. We would mandate every parent to get an education prior to bringing another baby into the world. But we don’t live in a fantasy world; this complicated problem will require many experts to become involved. As an expert in relationships, I think it all goes back to the parents. Parents have to be parents again. We need to quit thinking the government is more responsible than we are, and we need to quit relying on the government to give us stuff, and begin working toward the betterment of our own lives and the lives of our children. Below are a few suggestions that can begin to help turn the next generation around:

1.     Before you ever have a child, have a secure relationship. Do not have a child in a co-habitation lifestyle. No one benefits.

2.     Before you marry, get pre-marital counseling. It is more worth your money than anything I can think of.

3.     If you are married and have no money, take a few classes at a time (there is free money out there, but you have to talk to the institution about eligibility). Education is the liberator of your situation. Don’t waste your time begging, stealing, or blaming. Put that energy into reading, learning, and writing.

4.     If you grew up with abuse, and you are using that as a reason why you cannot go to school or do better as an adult, it is not going to help you. Abuse is wrong and tragic, and I am sorry it happened, but you don’t need to repeat that cycle. It takes strength, but so does feeling bad all the time and continuing the pain of abuse on to your children.

5.     If your child is having trouble in school, listen to what the teacher says and be willing to work with them. Your child may be the one that breaks the cycle…but they cannot break it without your help and encouragement.

I grew up in a poor family, but poor doesn’t have to mean uneducated. My mother was a teacher and when I was discouraged with what I didn’t have as compared to others, she told me that. I watched both my mother and father work hard, get taken advantage of, and work harder. Their work was a form of prayer for them, and I believe that is how they survived. They did not blame; they felt lucky to be an American. There were problems then, there are problems now, but if we aren’t all part of the solution, we are part of the problem. Taking the time to encourage a kid’s work ethic, or inspiring them through your work with a church, school, or scout program goes a long way in being part of the solution.

Week after week I am seeing couples come in who want to get married. They are seeking guidance so they can build the strongest foundation possible prior to marriage. One of the problems that actually make this guidance more challenging is when one of the partners wanted to get married and the other didn’t so they opted to live together. The partner that went along with living together but wanted to get married usually has left over resentment, and it becomes evident in the premarital counseling.

Premarital counseling is usually upbeat and fun. It’s a joining together, an exciting time for the couple, and we have fun as we learn in the sessions. This changes when the couple has lived together, as there is more hostility when they talk about communication. Many times couples who live together think they know one another very well, and pre-marital counseling challenges their assumptions. 

The popular view is often not the truth, and cohabitation is one of those times. Living together prior to marriage is still one of the best predictors for divorce and if you have a child in that union prior to marriage you set them up for an unstable life. The latest research has found that for children, going through a divorce is more stable than being raised by a cohabitating couple.  Many couples find someone with whom they can relate or have sex, and before you know what is happening they decide they will live together. They tell me or anyone listening that they want to make sure they are compatible. Living together won’t tell you if you’re compatible as a married couple. It will tell you what a person smells like without a shower, who is messy and what kind of TV shows and music each of you like. It won’t tell you what sex, money, or communication will be like after marriage because these three things are the first to change after marriage. The biggest problem with living together is that one of those partners usually secretly wants to marry the other. They are trying not to be clingy or pushy so they opt for living together. When you want one type of relationship, but settle for another, it builds resentment and criticism. You may begin to think less of yourself as well as your partner for allowing or forcing you to “settle.” Of course this isn’t talked about aloud, but that doesn’t make it any less true or potent. What you cannot talk about, you usually act out with cheating: having a baby when the other person didn’t want one, or no longer taking care of yourself. Your living situation begins to erode a relationship that could have been a good marriage if you had taken your time to get to know one another, built a friendship, and kept your own place until you were ready to marry.

You cannot put love on a shelf and if you are ready to be married but your partner is not, the best thing you can do is be very clear up front with your intention. Living together is not the same as marriage. People who live together prior to engagement or marriage are saying “I like you, but I don’t like/love you enough to want to share my life with you.” When you hear “Let’s move in together,” it’s important that you also hear “I don’t like/value you enough to marry you, but sharing a place with you would be fun, economical, and less stressful” (there are many reasons other than commitment to cohabitate).  There are two situations that don’t seem to affect marital longevity and yet the couple is living together:

1.     If the couple is engaged to be married within 3 months.

2.     If the couple is over 80 years of age. 

If you love someone enough to marry them, then I suggest when/if they ask you to move in with them you reply assertively and lovingly, “I love you enough to spend my life with you.”  “I don’t want a boy/girlfriend; I want you to be my wife/husband.” At this point, have an exit in mind, and say nothing more. Leave. Let them think it over; the ball is in their court. You have left them knowing you love them, and were strong enough to advocate your intention.