Every child I ever spoke with who grew up in a healthy, loving family has told me their home was “safe.” They explained it further saying, “No matter what was happening in the world, when I came home I felt safe from the perils out there.” Our future depends on our families, and our ability as parents to protect our child’s youth and sense of family. Today our families are under attack by the virtual world, single parenting, and media’s influence on our children. This list will help guide parents to raising healthy children who are able to socialize, love and succeed in their academic pursuits. Some of the items on the list may not be possible to carry through with parent’s limiting schedules, but many of them are easily managed with time management skills and a desire to help your child become a healthy, strong, independent adult.

1.  When you are with your kids on a play day, walk, or activity, shut your phone off. Nothing is as important in your life as this moment.

2.  Set boundaries and discipline (teach) kids for not adhering to them.

3.  Learn to say NO and mean it.

4.  Be demonstrative with loving gestures in your home (especially with your spouse).

5.  Have a family day once a week (including activities you share together).

6.  Have a set dinnertime as many days in the week as you can, and have everyone plan to attend.

7.  Take time and cook with your children.

8.  Take time and fix things around the house with your children.

9.   Take time and help your kids with their homework.

10.  Take time and go to your kids’ after school activities.

11.  Whatever you promised your kids, make sure you did it. If you lose their trust, you have lost everything important about being a good parent.

12.  Say grace with your kids prior to eating, and whoever made the dinner should be thanked profusely. If you were treated out for dinner, thank whoever bought the dinner at least three times.

13.  Say a night prayer with your kids.

14.  Include extended family with your family as much as you can for celebrations.

15.  Talk well about your child’s other parent (hopefully your spouse) as frequently as you can (this builds a healthy self-esteem for your child).

16.  Don’t gossip about others, especially in front of your kids.

17.  Stay as healthy as a person and parent as possible.

18.  Talk about lifestyle with your kids, and help them understand the importance of choosing a healthy lifestyle.

19.  Take time to listen to your kids and hold your tongue.

20.  Accept your children’s friends as much as possible.

21.  Invite all of your child’s friends to dinner so your child can see them as clearly as you do.

22.  Get interested in what your child is doing online and via their phone.

23.  Do not allow texting at the dinner table.

24.  Do not allow texting while in the company of family days or family activities.

25.  Set a specific time and shut down computers at night for you, your spouse and kids.

26.  Collect all cell phones each night and keep them in a parental designated area.

27.  Make it mandatory that kids clean their own room each week even if you have a housekeeper who cleans.

28.  Never give your child money or an allowance for doing nothing. An allowance is pay for a job (or jobs) well done.

29.  If you have a raging problem, do not flaunt it in front of your kids, but rather seek help from a professional.

30.  Do not tolerate cussing, or improper speech/ grammar in your children or your spouse. The universal language is English; make sure your child understands English before they leave home (Parents, that means you should learn and be able to speak English no matter where you came from).

31.  Support your child’s teacher. When you dismiss your child’s teacher or talk bad about them, you are giving your child permission to disregard other authorities (you are or should be an authority in your child’s life).

32.  Do not have channels on the television that you are not comfortable with your child seeing. If you aren’t there to monitor the TV, then get rid of the channels.

33.  Make sure you know whom your child is talking to online.

34.  Make sure you know and have taught your child online politeness. READ your child’s texts and what they post online so you can keep an eye on them. Tell your child when you set up the account that you will have access to reading what they write, especially if your child is under the age of sixteen. Your child is smarter than you with all virtual areas, so it is not a bad idea to hire an online security company to monitor if you are not going to.   

35.  Never dismiss the fact that your child could be a cyber-bully, so checking on them is important.

36.  Explain to your child that photos must be approved before posting anywhere (kids don’t understand that a photo can go anywhere. Their world is egocentric; yours should not be).

37.  No adult should be emailing or texting your child unless you are related to them, and even then, you may want to be aware.

38.  A phone is a privilege. If your child has one, they must understand that and you, as a parent must have a consequence for your child if you find them texting while driving or sending nude photos of themselves to others.

39.  Take the time to teach your child about their bodies and their sexuality as soon as you see their bodies changing. School is not the place for a child to learn about their sexuality. Parents teach this in a more effective manner.

40.  Talk to your child about their commute to and from school with direct communication. Never ask, “How was your day?” Ask, “Did you feel safe on the bus (or whatever form of transportation) to school?”

41.  If your child tells you they are being bullied, believe them and have an action plan.

42.  When you argue with your spouse, let your children see the argument, see the understanding, see the working out of the conflict in a healthy manner, and see you embrace and forgive one another after the argument. You are mentoring for your children.

43.  Never allow a child under the age of thirteen on a social network. Period. I don’t care how mature they are, nor should you.

44.  No drinking or driving period (by child or parent).

45.  No texting or driving period (by child or parent).

46.  No porn magazines or porn sites should be allowed on any computer in the family home. Porn addiction is a growing addiction and is so easy to access that parents must guard their home as a safe place without porn.

47.  Eating healthy means saying NO to fast food. Nothing good comes from fast food, and it takes understanding of this as parents to help motivate parents to pack lunches or healthy snacks the night before. 15 minutes of packing lunches or snacks the night before can actually minimize obesity in your family. Obesity is a direct link to so many childhood and adult diseases.

48.  No emotional, physical or sexual abuse is tolerated in the family. It is never okay, and no one’s behavior should ever be an excuse for someone else to abuse them. There is not one prisoner or thug who has not been abused as a child. Enough said.

49.  Let your child witness that you make time for your marriage. Keep your emotional life between you and your child’s other parent. Do NOT become emotionally needy with your kids.

50.  YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD’S FRIEND. YOU ARE THEIR PARENT. QUIT TRYING TO LIVE THROUGH YOUR CHILD OR COMPETE WITH YOUR CHILD. YOU WERE A CHILD; YOU AREN’T ANYMORE. DON’T ACT LIKE ONE. BE A MOM OR DAD TO YOUR CHILD.

I can imagine healthy teens leaving home for college or work, and becoming assets to their society. It doesn’t just happen though. Healthy kids come from a healthy home. Make your home a “safe” place for kids to grow up and make mistakes, learn and love. Our country and world at large depends so much on the parents who rock the cradle.

This week I was asked to be an expert for an HLN story involving an 8 year old boy in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. This boy is morbidly obese, tipping the scales at 218 pounds. The Department of Children and Family Services took the boy into foster care after they felt the mother was unable to follow through with appropriate measures prescribed for the boy in order to lose weight. The mother’s defense was that she was going to school, in addition to working as an elementary teacher.  She felt that she could not monitor the child at all times.  Apparently, family members and friends were sneaking food to the boy.  DCFS reported that they had worked with mom for a year and saw no improvement. The State Health Department estimates that more than 12 percent of third graders statewide (Ohio) are severely obese. That could mean as many as 1,380 kids in Cuyahoga County alone. This story is the first time anyone could recall a child being taken from a parent strictly due to weight-related issues.

To consider the idea that the state can handle this issue by removing an obese child from the home and placing him in foster care is not only absurd, but dangerous to the development of children. Most likely, there will not be enough foster homes and even if there were, will the parents in those homes be able to handle the issues an obese child struggles with? According to recent polls, one out of every three children is morbidly obese. This is not a child crisis; instead, this is a family crisis. In this situation, the child suffered from sleep apnea, which meant he was hooked up to a machine at night that monitors and assists his breathing. Many obese children suffer asthma, diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, anxiety, and depression.

Obesity certainly has genetic components, but to simply throw your hands in the air with complete surrender to the fate is not being a responsible parent.  Taking a child away from the family he knows and loves borders on cruelty. Removal of a child from his/her home should only be done as a last resort to protect that child from imminent harm (the child in this case had no other medical conditions except for sleep apnea). Many times, removing a child from their home is experienced so intensely by the child that they would resort to food even more as the only thing they could control. Depression, anxiety, and a heightened loss of self-esteem may be the result. What are we telling a child if we allow them to be taken from us, because we were not able to change our lives enough to help him? I make it clear to all of the parents I work with that if you have a morbidly obese child, it takes a family to support them with a healthy lifestyle. There can be no enablers and “good guys or bad guys” with offering the child unhealthy foods or a lifestyle conducive to obesity.

If you have a child you are concerned with who struggles with obesity, you have more power within your family than any treatment facility known. The problem is that, many times, you know your child is hurting and that breaks your heart. The guilt you feel from that affects your ability to hold a firm and loving boundary that your child needs. These suggestions will help you get started.

1.     Talk to your pediatrician and tell them your concerns. Make a list of everything you have tried and go over this with your doctor. Don’t let your doctor make light of your concerns. No one knows your child as well as you.

2.     Have a family meeting, and rather than addressing any one child, address the whole family. Become a united team with everyone participating in a healthy lifestyle. Identify the foods that are the most problematic (soda, chips, candy, and pastries) and replace those with raw fruits and vegetables. Make these food visible, keep a basket of raw fruit on the kitchen counter, bottled water in the fridge (or fresh water in pitchers stored in the refrigerator) and vegetables peeled and ready to eat in the refrigerator. The best way to get rid of the junk food is to throw it away. It’s toxic, and why would you donate or give to someone else what is poisonous to their body?

3.     Quit telling yourself that in order for your kids to fit in they need junk food in the house. They don’t, and this thinking is keeping you from being an effective parent in helping your obese child. It is not fair to let the thin sibling eat junk food and not allow it for the child with weight issues. This builds resentment, so get rid of the junk food and make it forbidden for your whole family.

4.     Family activities are so helpful for your family as well as your marriage. Protect and prioritize these types of days. Take a family walk, go to the park, or (in the winter) go ice skating. Anything where there is movement will help everyone be healthier. Activities shared as a family helps the child who is overweight feel less isolated and alone.

5.     If you are unsure of foods and what to serve, a wise investment is to talk to a dietician. Many physician offices have dieticians on staff. Advice and attaining more knowledge of foods can help you help your child.

6.     If your obese child suffers from social anxiety or depression, seek help from a counselor. It is much wiser to begin counseling before your child’s self-esteem is destroyed. Rebuilding an obese child’s self-esteem is much more difficult than learning healthy coping mechanisms that can comfort them so they won’t resort to using food.

Child protective services have a huge job and they do it well. There are so many children that need to be placed with foster parents in order to survive. Morbid obesity should not be a reason we need to contact CPS. Parents must get serious with their children’s health and well being. Being a parent means taking care of your child and making sure they have all they need to be healthy. If your child is overweight and struggling with health issues, begin making changes to the whole family’s lifestyle today.

I was reading a recent article on the subject of “helicopter parenting” and how cell phones and the Internet have changed parents’ ability to hover over their children. The parents that supposedly hover the most are moms and dads of the “Millennials;” children of baby boomers, born between the early 1980s and 2000. As I read it, I could not help but think of my own childhood. I was the sixth of nine kids and I can safely say my parents most likely didn’t know where I was 70% of the time. It wasn’t that long ago, and I was raised in a small town, prior to cell phones, the Internet, and the idea that something catastrophic could happen to me if my parents lost sight of me. My parents weren’t neglectful any more than my neighbors and friends parents. We didn’t have the technology and we also didn’t have the angst that comes with the technology.  There wasn’t the feeling that if I wasn’t constantly busy with piano, soccer or tutoring, I would fall behind. My parents saw their role as providing a secure home life, plenty of sleep, good food, and help with homework.

Times have changed. Parents talk to their child every day via texts, emails, Facebook, and websites. Even when the child goes to college, mom and dad are still instrumental in guiding their courses, career, and social life. The kids cannot escape and what’s more is many of them don’t want to. Colleges hire additional staff to answer parents’ phone calls and emails just as summer camps do.  Research supports that when parents become involved in their children’s activities, the children do better. They seem to enjoy the activity more whether it is college or an after school event, but there is a fine line, and the positive effects diminish when parents take over and try to control the activity the child is in. Being there as a guide to support your child may be helpful, but if your guidance becomes you telling your child what to do, think and how to respond, your child begins feeling incompetent to handle the situations they are involved with. Soon, your child cannot make a decision without asking mom or dad.

From the time your child is born there is a process of learning to let go of them. The key to being a fantastic parent is to watch your child and understand when and how much to let go. Just as children have developmental milestones to attain, parents do too.  Hanging on too tightly to your child begins to produce several of these behaviors listed below:

1.     Your child becomes less confident in their own ability to take care of themselves in situations at school or play.

2.     Your child becomes fearful and withdraws from novel activities.

3.     Your child will develop more anxieties and school phobias may develop.

4.     Your child may become less interested in things around them unless you take an interest. A parent should be supportive of a child’s interest, but not responsible for it.

5.     Parents who are over protective actually suffer more from sadness and poor self image. When you have all of your needs invested in your child to be a success there is little left for you.

It is scary being a parent. We hear stories of abductions, kids getting harmed physically and sexually, and we feel a need to protect our children. If you feel you hold on too tightly though, or if your child seems embarrassed by your unwanted overprotection, there is a way you can loosen your grip without putting your child at risk. Rather than thinking about protecting your child, think about empowering them. This will help you raise confident children while allowing you to be engaged:

1.     When your child is small, you can allow them more freedom to explore, climb and be independent if you provide a safe environment. Look over the playground or park in advance, and find the park that provides security from traffic, while still offering a fun atmosphere for your child to experience.

2.     Make mistakes a good thing to experience. Kids who grow up anticipating mistakes take more risks, are less fearful and feel more confident about themselves. We all make mistakes; children have so much to learn in a relatively short period of time. Make sure they can experience their mistakes while being protected in their family. The outside world will never be as forgiving as your own family.

3.     If you have a lot of fears from the way you were raised in your family of origin, make sure you deal with those with professional help. Fears are given/taught to children. This is demonstrated by children being terrified of people, things, or events with which they have no experience. The parents often instill leftover unresolved fears of their past. Being afraid of life and all it has to offer is something you do not want to pass on to future generations.

No one will ever love your child the way you will. Protect their childhood, love them, and offer them new experiences so they can grow and learn. When a child tries something new, it is clear that they look at the new adventure and look back at you. If they see a loving parent who embraces the new, while having confidence in their child’s ability to master it, they will be empowered to soar.

Kids don’t come with a manual and neither does parenting. For the most part, good communication gets you through the rough times and helps to divert disaster. There is one particular dilemma most parents will experience that centers around the friends your child chooses. Many times kids make great choices, but sometimes the friends that choose your child are not great choices and, for some unknown reason, your child cannot get away from these types of friends. These friends are what I refer to as “toxic friends.” My two daughters both experienced some time with these types of friends; even though it was brief, it wasn’t as brief as it could have been had I been more aware.

If you give a situation time, it will usually work itself out. With toxic friends, however, that is not always true so an intervention is necessary. Before you can intervene, you need to know what you are looking for. The toxic friend may appear like the nice kid next door to you as a parent; yet, they say nasty things when no adult is around, and they make your child feel incompetent if they tell their parent. Here are a few more signs that your child may be involved with a toxic friend:

1.     If your child becomes totally obsessed with pleasing this friend, there is a good chance the power balance has shifted and your child is being used.

2.     If your child’s friend treats their parent or any adult with disdain, pay attention. This is not a good sign as they have issues with authority.

3.     Your child’s new friend doesn’t abide by your child’s rules. For example, if you tell your child no communicating after 9 p.m. and this friend continually calls or texts, saying rules are stupid or for little kids, this is not a friendship you want to nurture.

4.     Your child is teased or belittled in any way by this friend.

5.     The friend tries to get your child to act rude or disobedient at school.

6.     The friend wants to keep secrets all the time.

7.     Your child’s friend is rude in public. All kids make mistakes, but if you notice this kid is a brat in public, can you imagine what is going on in their home?

8.     Your child’s friend picks on “lesser people” or has a bully attitude.

9.     Your child’s new friend has angry outbursts.

10.  Your child begins acting out, swearing, and acting belligerent or indignant (unless someone is modeling that behavior in your home).

It is much better if you can prevent these relationships from forming rather than trying to break them up once they have bonded. To end these types of relationships, you need to have your child see the light and understand what is happening. Your child also needs to know they are supported by you as these types of friends often have power over your child with other friends. It is always advised to work on changing the family dynamics so your child will become more and more difficult for his or her toxic friend to control. Here are a few suggestions that may help:

1.     Begin by having the toxic friend over for dinner (it is even better if the parents can come). Usually you don’t need to do more; the whole situation becomes very clear to your child.

2.     Talk with your child about their toxic friend’s behavior only. Try not to attack the friend, but say what you see and why it is unappealing. Be honest and firm with your observations.

3.     Structure your child’s life as much as possible. Your child will need an excuse at times and if they are able to say, “My parents will ground me for life or take my car away if I do that,” it helps them save face.

4.     Set limits. Keep your child’s curfew and follow through with consequences. If your child begins suffering for their toxic friend, they may wake up sooner rather than later, asking why they like this person who gets them into trouble.

5.     Many times your child will choose to hang out with someone you don’t like as a form of rebellion. If depression, anger, or acting out become an issue, it is wise to seek counseling for your child as well as yourself. Toxic friends have the power to turn a once harmonious family into a chaotic situation very quickly.

The tween/teenage years are relatively short, but the decisions made have dire consequences for your child. Engage with your child; know where they are, who their friends are, and who the parents of those friends are. Social networking has many advantages, but also many dangers. Toxic people think of toxic ways to use social networking. Self-esteem is fragile in the tween/teen years; one toxic relationship can destroy your child’s self esteem for years to come.