In almost every old movie when the couples are in love and committing to one another there will appear a door, and the man carries the woman over the threshold. Whether that happens with a newly married couple moving into their first home, or whether it happens on a date when the guy carries the woman into the bedroom…. it happens. Today there is a new threshold, where the woman is being carried over the boyfriend/husband’s parents’ threshold, or her parents’ threshold. The bottom line is they aren’t moving into their own place.

This goes on in many other countries. In fact, in Italy men frequently live at home until they are forty. The mothers in Italy have a lot of power and control, and it is understood. In the US it is not traditional. In fact, young people want to leave home as soon as possible, but the economy is forcing many of those who left to return, and it is awkward when a grown son or daughter moves back in with mom and dad. Many times, they don’t come home alone; they have a “friend” or spouse. Having teenagers living with parents is wild enough, but having grown children with their spouses, friends or children living with parents can be chaotic.

It’s not only chaotic for the in-laws, but it’s chaotic for the in-law child too. They didn’t grow up with the parents’ family. They didn’t see the type of parenting style used to raise their new husband or wife, nor do they understand expectations and family boundaries. These issues and many more can make the stay in the family home a stressful, tumultuous time.  As with all things, the better planning and communication about what is going to happen, the better. This is not a good surprise for anyone, so communication about feelings prior to moving in will make the threshold more welcoming. Below are a few more suggestions that will help.

1. Have a clear idea in mind how long you are going to live with your parents. Knowing a time limit will help people choose their battles more wisely. For example, if you cannot stand the way your dad or father-in-law spits tobacco while watching CNN, if you know you only have to tolerate it for six months, it may allow you to step back and find an option rather than saying, “Gross, can you stop that,” and storming off to your room or criticizing your partner.
2. Talk to your partner about boundaries. All couples need privacy, and if you know that you will have a place in the home that is off limits to everyone else, it can be a refuge when you need space.
3. Don’t just ask; observe and help whenever you can. When you live with someone else’s parents as a couple, you are usually trying to save money for a place of your own. Your way of giving back is to help. Cooking meals, folding laundry, running errands, and numerous other tasks keep a family going and they are all time consuming for one person. The more hands the better.
4. Remember, your in-laws were a couple long before you came into the picture. They have an unspoken language you may not understand, but your partner will. As much as possible, stay out of family feuds and arguments unless they directly involve you.
5. Date nights for you and your partner are so important, and they become even more important if you are living with in-laws. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you do need to get out of the house together and enjoy one another as a couple. If you have children, you will want to make babysitting arrangements so mom and dad don’t feel like you are taking advantage of them (this is the number one problem I hear about when kids move back home, so talking about it before it happens is advised).

Having parents and in-laws who are willing and supportive in offering you a place to live so you can save money or get on your feet is a gift. The best way you can gift back to them, is to try your best to be the kind of person that leaves them missing you, rather than distancing themselves from you. This is achieved through communication, gratefulness, and respect of boundaries. It can be a time remembered fondly in your relationship or a memory you want to forget.

Many couples struggle with infidelity. Affairs can happen at work, in bars, at school reunions, meetings and with your phone. Texting is one way the “other woman or man” enters the family. It is not uncommon for spouses to be texting their lover while eating dinner with their spouse, watching a movie with their spouse or shortly after making love to their spouse. It happens all the time. Send your spouse out for an errand to the grocery store, and they may have a chance to text their lover.  A doctor’s appointment for your child may turn into a heated conversation with your lover in the waiting room. There is no end to this type of affair, because there is no limit for Verizon or AT&T. Thus far, they don’t have an affair security for phones.

Couples who commit infidelity have one thing in common. They lie. The truth is covered up as well as all the pain that is going to tumble out once the affair is brought to life. It’s easy to lie to your spouse if they don’t catch you with the other person. Couples may also catch their spouse when they smell an unfamiliar cologne, or if their spouse wasn’t where they said they’d be, or they’re late picking up their child from an after school activity. One of the best, and newest forms of lie detection now are cell phones. First and foremost, couples are watching the degree to which their partner needs to guard their phone. Do they take the phone everywhere? Is the phone immediately hidden if you are around? If your spouse refuses to let you see their phone text and doesn’t work for the CIA, that is reason enough to be suspicious. Secondly, partners are watching to see if their spouse has poor boundaries for themselves. Poor boundaries indicate a tendency toward a need to be liked too much, which is correlated with inappropriate relationships. Lastly, they are suspicious when their spouse begins sending texts during dinner, bedtime, in the middle of the night, and first thing in the morning. This shows a boundary invasion and is inappropriate no matter who you work for, or what they are going through.

Many couples don’t address or communicate their feelings about texting or emailing until there is a violation. Many times at that point it is too late, as the affair has gone too far. If you have crossed boundaries in the past or have been accused of texting someone too much, you should take it seriously and talk to your spouse about it. Remember, telling your spouse you never had sex with this person, so you aren’t cheating is not true. You are cheating if you are texting someone and would feel ashamed or embarrassed if your spouse read them. Here are a few suggestions to “text proof” your relationship. If you talk to your partner about this now, it will safeguard your marriage from cheating:

1.     Talk together about texting. What is acceptable, and what is crossing the line? How does each of you feel about sexting? It is not true that if you ignore it, it won’t happen. Talking about these issues and preparing makes them less likely to happen.

2.     Agree on a plan regarding when and where cell phones are permitted. Shutting off your cell during a dinner out is wise, as that is your time. However, having your phone on during a coffee break with your spouse may be permitted if you are still on the clock.

3.     Couples who agree to shut their phones off at a specific time each evening protect their marriage from people who lack boundaries and will text any time of the day or night.

4.     Phone passwords should be made readily available to both spouses.

5.     Do an inside check. Would you be anxious if your spouse left with your phone for the day? Is there anything on there you would be ashamed of if they saw? If so, deal with it now.

Technology is making all sorts of relationships more available. When our parents got married, they did not have to worry about texting, sexting, and social networks. The only fool proof way to protect your marriage is to discuss these topics prior to letting them into your marriage. Establishing healthy boundaries so neither spouse feels monitored, but both feel protected and secure will safe guard your marriage and family.