I answer viewer questions for Fox 26 each week on my segments, “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo.”  I didn’t have time to answer this letter from Jane, so I decided to write the answer in my blog this week.

 Dear Mary Jo,

“When you are starting to date someone and you enjoy their company, but do not have any real desire for them...how do you know if you should give it time to grow? Is it foolish to date where there is no 'spark,' hoping that will come with time? (In my experience, it has never grown, if not there to begin with). How much time is fair to avoid hurting the other person if you know they are into you, but you don't return the same level of attraction?

Thank you, Jane.

The answer to these types of questions is difficult, and there are no right or wrong answers. Some of the best marriages I have ever seen were arranged, and some of the worse relationships I have ever seen consisted of people who had an abundance of spark, but nothing else in common.  We all talk about chemistry or spark, but what is it and by what is it defined? For some, chemistry means the other person is “cute” or “hot;” for others it may mean they are an intellect and share career interests. Dating usually implies that you are meeting people you want to see again. I cannot imagine getting dressed and ready to go to a play or an event with someone for whom I felt no interest or with whom I didn’t want to be. As you read my answer you may think of other things that would be helpful to share with Jane. Your comments are appreciated, so long as you consider “helping and encouraging her,” because she is stuck right now, and trying to do the right thing.

Dear Jane,

I want to thank you for trusting me with your question and I am hoping I can offer things to think about and question within yourself, to help you find your answers.  Dating should be fun and it allows you to get to know people in an intimate setting. Like any relationship, it should be done as honestly as possible. When you are transparent, you allow the other person to know you, and free yourself from trying to be what you aren’t. If you pretend to like this guy and keep it going when you really aren’t interested, that is deception. Being honest doesn’t have to be mean, something as simple as, “I think you are a really neat person (if he is), but I have some things I need to work out in my own head right now, and I need to take a break from seeing you anymore.”  Of course that is my script…you can change it however you wish as long as you stay honest with your own part (spark happens; it’s not something anyone is to blame for or feel badly about).

You also asked if spark ever comes when it isn’t there initially. There is no one answer to that question, Jane.  In a healthy marriage, couples may experience their spark growing and dimming only to repeat this cycle.  A relationship also grows, but with dating, there has to be something there to keep you wanting to continue the dates. That leads us to the last portion of your question. When the other person does feel a spark and you don’t, how long should you continue the relationship? This is where you have to become very honest with yourself by asking yourself these questions.

1.     What am I afraid of if I let this one go?

2.     What specifically (write them down) makes this person void of spark?

3.     What specific combination makes me feel a spark? Many women who like bad boys were raised with dads who didn’t treat their moms very nice. These women may say they would never marry or date a guy like their dad, but the unfinished business in their heads attracts them to a bad boy like a moth to a flame. Many moms who were bored with their partners couldn’t hide their boredom from their daughters. When their daughters meet nice guys, they get cast aside due to the daughters’ fear they will end up bored like their mothers were.

Chemistry is the sum total of what we grew up with, what we saw mentored in our own homes and our personal wiring. When it attracts, it is strong, and there is a spark. Can a relationship grow to spark? Yes. Will it ever feel as intense as a natural first meeting spark? No, probably not. Can you build a healthy marriage or life with someone you don’t feel that spark for? YES. Is it easy? NO, but then again, creating a healthy marriage takes work, and I doubt anyone would say it was easy. I could not say that about life in general as life is about learning all aspects of one’s self and some of those are painful. Good luck, Jane.

When couples come to see me with their first complaint being that they haven’t had sex in several months, there is palpable tension. They panic, and search for reasons why. When sex is going well, it is 5% of the relationship. However, when sex isn’t going well, it may become 95% of the relationship. A recent study reported in the Daily Mail suggested that more important than sex for a couple’s happiness and health is cuddling. Cuddling provides many benefits besides a sense of security and closeness. It also provides stimulus to our olfactory centers (the smell of our partner makes us feel loved) and our touch centers, and it helps to release oxytocin (the feel good hormone that helps us feel love toward our partner).  Cuddling also provides another form of communication that sexual intercourse doesn’t. It allows us to feel closer without draining our energy. Sometimes the best communication happens when couples are holding one another.

Many times, couples’ first homework assignment from me is to begin touching each other more and talking less. When sex isn’t going well, not only do you lose that physical connection but you lose the emotional connection too.  Often you become more critical of your partner as well as irritable and annoyed. The emotional connection is much more important than the sexual one, because the emotional connection determines if the sexual one will happen, and how frequently. Touching and cuddling is the best way to restore and build the emotional connection. When couples touch, they let down their guard, and begin feeling love and acceptance toward their partner. If cuddling is continued, the feeling of love and connection leads to better communication and sex.

Women may fault men saying they don’t like to cuddle and jump too quickly to sexual intercourse. My practice as well as the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction suggests this is not true. According to Kinsey’s research, among couples in committed relationships, tenderness may be more important to the man than the woman; regular kisses and cuddling lead to greater relationship satisfaction in men than in their partners, especially as they grow older. When I talk to couples and ask them to list the number one problem in their relationships, it is men, not women saying the lack of intimacy. When I question further, they talk about missing the touching, caressing, and soft talking they once shared with their partner.

The time to begin cuddling is early in the relationship. If you have let that go with raising kids, or demanding careers, you can still get it back. Adding a little bit of time into your day to hug or touch your spouse will add a closeness you may have felt was gone forever. You may not need to mention it to your partner. Sometimes their noticing changes in you without you talking about makes it more special. However, if you have a partner who feels like you only touch them when you want sex, then communicating with them about the benefits of cuddling may be a better option.  Reassuring them that it is the intimacy and closeness that you want may be enough to convince them to cuddle. Here are a few tips to help you get started with your “cuddle plan.”

1.     You can cuddle anywhere, which makes it convenient, but being captive together makes it more special. Places like airplanes or movie theatres are a great place to begin cuddling.

2.     No one likes to cuddle on a hard surface, so make sure you have a “cuddle sofa,” or overstuffed chair where you both fit comfortably.

3.     No one likes to cuddle with a computer on their partner’s lap, so get rid of laptops, cell phones, iPhones, and iPads.

4.     Smoking while cuddling is not wise. Getting burned or the smell of smoke in your face causes coughing and disgust.

5.     Talking softly while cuddling is desired.

6.     Kissing is not necessary, but is nice while cuddling.

7.     Being a good listener while cuddling is also important, remember your partner will feel more secure and may want to tell you things they have not said before.

8.     Being gentle is part of cuddling.

9.     Cuddling has no objective other than to feel close to your partner…so don’t rush to finish.

10.  Cuddling is helping your partner and you to be healthier with lower blood pressure and respirations. Imagine your ability to heal.

Whenever I talk to a person who lost their spouse and I ask them what they miss most, they tell me many things. At the top of their list is the sense of being held by that person. The hugs, the way their skin smelled, and how that person made their body feel when they were near.  Stress, illness, and depression can affect sexual performance, but anyone can cuddle. A couple’s ability to cuddle, not to perform sex, is one of the best predictors of an emotionally/physically close, happy, and healthy relationship.

I was at the Fox studio last week watching as a story unfolded on air. It was portraying a military dad who had come home to be with his young daughter and son to celebrate the 4^th of July. He tucked himself in a large box, managed to have it wrapped in neon green and have it delivered. His children opened it with great anticipation. The Fox camera crew was there, so the kids understood it was a big deal, but nothing could conceal the genuine delight in the children’s faces as their dad popped out of the box. The young daughter squealed and jumped up on his shoulder, and his rather shy son was scooped up by dad at the same time to be held tightly. The little boy made no noise but snuggled close to dad’s neck. You could feel what those little kids felt.

Dads are so important to their children’s development. Young babies have better brain development when they have a loving attentive dad. In fact, they need that nurturance from both mom and dad. Dads who are active in their children’s lives have children who achieve better academically and are more secure emotionally. Day old babies, when held next to dad’s bare skin, regulate their breathing to match dads. They also can identify him by his skin smell just as they can their mother through nursing. They learn the vibration of dad’s voice when he is holding them, and are able to recognize his voice from a distance. Dads play differently with their small children than moms do, and if dad leaves a marriage, children go through a depression no matter what age. Babies recognize dad’s voice from hearing him talk to mom while they are in the womb. Dads are the first man a baby ever loves.

The other day a caller from Fox asked me how she could encourage her husband’s transition to being a better dad. She said months after the baby’s birth her husband still wants to go out and have fun instead of joining her and the baby. The time immediately following the birth of the baby is quite stressful. Mom is making a transition from being a lover and wife to being a mom, lover, and wife. Dad is making a transition from being husband, and lover to being a dad, husband and lover. The transition is easier for mom because there is more social support and since she gave birth, she is celebrated as well as the new baby. Dad is a bit more neglected in the birthing celebration, and he has to get to know his baby as he hasn’t carried it around in his uterus for 9 months. This takes time, patience, and understanding. Many dads do want to be more involved, but they are unsure of how to go about it. Many of the dads of today weren’t raised by involved dads so there is little mentoring. If the baby’s mom is critical with instruction, or takes over she robs her husband of an opportunity that will negatively influence their baby and marriage for years to come.

I ended up talking to the caller and giving her these tips. Hopefully they can help you too!

1.     Dads, be transparent and talk to your wife before the baby comes about your fears and apprehensions of being a dad. If she understands, she can be more patient as you learn your role.

2.     Dads, begin to talk to your baby whenever you can before it is born. The attachment is stronger with dads who spent time letting their unborn baby hear their voice.

3.     As soon as the baby is stable, both mom and dad should hold the baby next to their bare skin. This secures the baby, and helps manage stress. Birth is not only stressful to the parent; can you imagine being squeezed out of a womb? No wonder we don’t remember it.

4.     Moms, within the first week or two leave dad alone with the baby if he is comfortable. It is difficult to bond if someone is always checking you. Left alone, most dads do a superb job.

5.     Remember you are a team. Teams work together to create the best outcome. Don’t compete for being baby’s favorite. Well adjusted children love both parents equally.

If you are a new dad, there is a great “New Dads” program at The Methodist Hospital in Houston that is completely free (these classes exist in most cities throughout the United States and Canada). The class is only one night and lasts 2.5 hours. You can call 713-790-3333 or register online at www.methodisthealth.com. I teach one small part of this class. The section I teach is, “Keeping your mojo alive in your marriage after baby.”  Everything changes during the transition of a new life. For the most part, it is a miracle and a baby offers so many opportunities to witness love. Keeping your marriage strong and alive is the very best gift you can give back to your newborn.