There is an ongoing research study focused on dads. The study is an attempt to build stronger families by focusing on the father’s role in the first year of baby’s life. We know dads are important to a child’s self esteem, overall health, and their success at developing healthy relationship later in life. Some of these dads are in a second marriage, living with the baby’s mother, or just wanting more information on how to be a better dad. I am part of the research study. I volunteer a 30 minute class on “Sex and Intimacy After Baby.” The dads love it, and they ask questions. I volunteer my time, because I believe that dads who are involved in their child’s life help create stronger, healthier families.  I also grew up with a wonderful father, and have respect for the father’s role in families.

When I began my part of the study, I did not expect what has happened. The dads are more open than I had anticipated.  They call me when their wife goes into labor, and want reassurance. They call me with emotional issues after the baby. As with most things, if you put your soul and heart into a project, it will grow. This one certainly has. Dads are not passive bystanders as it may appear after baby. They want to be involved, but many times don’t know how. Moms and babies get a lot of attention and that is as it should be. However, that attention should be focused on dad too, if we want him to take an active role with the baby and marriage after.

When I go to the class, I take my time getting to know the dads (no moms are allowed in this class). We talk about all sorts of things so they can relax and get to know me a bit. Before we begin with the slides and the lecture, I may ask this question: “What are you most concerned will change after baby?” Some of the guys will say things such as, “That their wife won’t like them or give them attention anymore.” Some say, “She may not want to have sex anymore.” Still other men will say things such as, “I’m afraid I won’t be a good dad or husband.” The wives never hear this, and I regret that. I think being able to hear their fears may help women rethink their role as wife and mother after baby. Some women upon hearing these statements may go so far as to say, “How can he be so selfish,” or “He is thinking only of himself again.” Actually, that’s not what I hear. I hear that these future dads are afraid that their wife is going to change and will no longer include them, and they won’t know how to connect to her (remember guys connect physically, women connect verbally).

Taking that new baby home is a gift. I have had two daughters and I understand the miracle of life, and how incredible it is that this small being came through me to be here. However, your marriage is a gift too, and its survival is more important to that small baby then either you or your husband’s alone. Children born into a healthy marriage have better health, better finances, and a better chance of being educated and successful in life.  There are things you should not sacrifice for that new precious life. I have listed several. Talk to your partner during those nine months to negotiate what you think is important to continue a healthy marriage. Agree to have a plan, so both parents can feel loved and return the love to their baby.

Five things you should never let go of in your marriage: 

1.     Your date nights with each other. You can always find a sitter, and no matter how tired you are, take the time to get dressed up and go out with your partner.

2.     Your marital bed. Kids have their room and bed and belong in them. They do not belong in the parent’s bed. Keep that boundary.

3.     Intimacy and sex. Sex is the glue of a healthy marriage. It should take priority. That becomes difficult if women feel like they have too much work or other family stressors. Guys, this may not make sense how a woman could not want sex because the dishwasher needs emptying. Don’t question it, empty it.

4.     Self care. Each of you has a responsibility to take care of yourselves. The baby can never be used as a reason why you didn’t exercise, or take care of yourself. If you don’t care for yourself first, you cannot care for the baby. Make sure you take turns with caring for baby to have that time to care for yourself. 

5.     Time to talk about your marriage and goals. The baby or young children should have a bed time. That time is for mom and dad to talk, bond, share a glass of wine, or whatever. It is also a time when the marriage is restored. Do not give that time up or sacrifice it.

I have seen many couples who love their kids, but no longer love or know their spouse. This is largely due to the fact that they put their parenting needs before their marriage. This is a mistake. Your marriage must come first, because it provides the foundation for a healthy family. The marriage is alive, and it is a creation of two people. Nurture your creation just as you do the child you created together.

I was at the Fox studio last week watching as a story unfolded on air. It was portraying a military dad who had come home to be with his young daughter and son to celebrate the 4^th of July. He tucked himself in a large box, managed to have it wrapped in neon green and have it delivered. His children opened it with great anticipation. The Fox camera crew was there, so the kids understood it was a big deal, but nothing could conceal the genuine delight in the children’s faces as their dad popped out of the box. The young daughter squealed and jumped up on his shoulder, and his rather shy son was scooped up by dad at the same time to be held tightly. The little boy made no noise but snuggled close to dad’s neck. You could feel what those little kids felt.

Dads are so important to their children’s development. Young babies have better brain development when they have a loving attentive dad. In fact, they need that nurturance from both mom and dad. Dads who are active in their children’s lives have children who achieve better academically and are more secure emotionally. Day old babies, when held next to dad’s bare skin, regulate their breathing to match dads. They also can identify him by his skin smell just as they can their mother through nursing. They learn the vibration of dad’s voice when he is holding them, and are able to recognize his voice from a distance. Dads play differently with their small children than moms do, and if dad leaves a marriage, children go through a depression no matter what age. Babies recognize dad’s voice from hearing him talk to mom while they are in the womb. Dads are the first man a baby ever loves.

The other day a caller from Fox asked me how she could encourage her husband’s transition to being a better dad. She said months after the baby’s birth her husband still wants to go out and have fun instead of joining her and the baby. The time immediately following the birth of the baby is quite stressful. Mom is making a transition from being a lover and wife to being a mom, lover, and wife. Dad is making a transition from being husband, and lover to being a dad, husband and lover. The transition is easier for mom because there is more social support and since she gave birth, she is celebrated as well as the new baby. Dad is a bit more neglected in the birthing celebration, and he has to get to know his baby as he hasn’t carried it around in his uterus for 9 months. This takes time, patience, and understanding. Many dads do want to be more involved, but they are unsure of how to go about it. Many of the dads of today weren’t raised by involved dads so there is little mentoring. If the baby’s mom is critical with instruction, or takes over she robs her husband of an opportunity that will negatively influence their baby and marriage for years to come.

I ended up talking to the caller and giving her these tips. Hopefully they can help you too!

1.     Dads, be transparent and talk to your wife before the baby comes about your fears and apprehensions of being a dad. If she understands, she can be more patient as you learn your role.

2.     Dads, begin to talk to your baby whenever you can before it is born. The attachment is stronger with dads who spent time letting their unborn baby hear their voice.

3.     As soon as the baby is stable, both mom and dad should hold the baby next to their bare skin. This secures the baby, and helps manage stress. Birth is not only stressful to the parent; can you imagine being squeezed out of a womb? No wonder we don’t remember it.

4.     Moms, within the first week or two leave dad alone with the baby if he is comfortable. It is difficult to bond if someone is always checking you. Left alone, most dads do a superb job.

5.     Remember you are a team. Teams work together to create the best outcome. Don’t compete for being baby’s favorite. Well adjusted children love both parents equally.

If you are a new dad, there is a great “New Dads” program at The Methodist Hospital in Houston that is completely free (these classes exist in most cities throughout the United States and Canada). The class is only one night and lasts 2.5 hours. You can call 713-790-3333 or register online at www.methodisthealth.com. I teach one small part of this class. The section I teach is, “Keeping your mojo alive in your marriage after baby.”  Everything changes during the transition of a new life. For the most part, it is a miracle and a baby offers so many opportunities to witness love. Keeping your marriage strong and alive is the very best gift you can give back to your newborn.