Prom is right around the corner, and as I see photos and video clips of the dresses worn this year, a sympathetic grimace creeps over my face. I remember all too well the dilemma of finding the perfect prom dress. Proms are a 4 billion dollar a year industry and advertisers and department stores are not about to lose money this year. The dresses are incredibly revealing this year, and that has nothing to do with fashion. What is hot in Italy right now is a more elegant, almost demure look on young women. The focus is on the face, not the body. These dresses make no mistake; the focus is on sexualizing and objectifying young women. The girls they are selling the dresses to do not understand and are trying to look attractive and “in” with their friends who are also trying to look attractive and “in.” I am no longer sure who is “in,” but I am sure of one thing. This is a time parents must be “out” and rather than buddies with their child, they must be parents ready to set a boundary and follow through with rules.

I do recommend moms shop with their daughter. Moms have watched their daughter’s body change and understand their style. Moms also usually control the pocket book, and setting limits with costs is a big part of shopping for anything, including a prom dress. It is important for girls to feel attractive and good about their choice of dress, so moms don’t need to make the decision. However, moms can provide insight. Moms should know the school requirements for prom dresses and be supportive of them. I would suggest that Moms dialogue with their daughter about the dress she chooses. The big picture is something many girls don’t see, so asking simple questions such as, “Can you dance or move in this dress?” is important. Moms also can have the foresight to mention how her daughter’s date may feel about the dress, or even more so, what kind of a message is the dress sending to her date’s parents (who will no doubt want photos)? Being comfortable in your dress and not worrying something will show or hang out or over are questions moms should remember.

A prom is a rite of passage, but it is also a wonderful opportunity to teach your daughter the importance of making choices. We encourage our children to grow up and be able to make choices and learn from their mistakes. They need to practice this at home. Parents create the opportunity by setting clear boundaries, choices and follow through.  Below are a few suggestions that can help you help your daughter learn from the consequences of their choices. Choosing a prom dress is a great place to begin.

1.   Explain why the dress is inappropriate (it shows too much skin, it doesn’t flatter her body in a beautiful way, it makes her look as if she is trying to get sexual attention).

2.   Explain why the behavior is inappropriate (rather than sexual attention she may want attention in general). Explaining that if she wants to be respected, a better choice dress would help her attain that. Explain also that girls who wear explicit garments many times feel undesired and have a shallow self esteem, and they attract people to them who will make them feel even more that way.

3.   Give reasonable choices and consequences. When you give choices where your child can choose A or B and both are still within your rules as a parent, you are teaching them a lifelong lesson. This also limits acting out, and power struggles. Following through with consequences teaches them early that for every behavior there is a choice and consequences. The term this isn’t fair is used by a kid whose parents have not followed through with choice consequences. Healthy parenting means the child knows and understands the choices at hand, and they also know the consequence of breaking a parental rule! 

4. Allow time for your teen to think about their choice, as this helps them rationalize it in their mind, vent to a friend, and also helps them choose the wiser choice.

5.   Be prepared to enforce your consequences. Limit setting is silly if you want to be your child’s friend and not a parent. It’s tough work to be a parent, but you must follow through with the consequences of a poor choice.

Prom is a wonderful event, but left to the kids without parental guidance, it can turn into a nightmare. Your daughter wants to look beautiful and sexy, but some dresses send the wrong message. If you are a mom, you have such a voice and so much to offer your daughter during this special time in her life. Be supportive of her feelings, but keep the big picture in mind. Within three short years she has to understand that what she chooses to wear affects peoples’ judgment forever. The part of parenting we often neglect is the most difficult. It’s the part that teaches choices, consequences, and following through. In the teen years, many times loving means saying, “NO, you are much too wonderful to stoop that low.” Love her enough to help her choose a prom dress, but don’t let her walk out of the house looking less than the beautiful child you held in your arms at birth.

I received a viewer question from Fox 26 “Mind, body, soul with Mary Jo” last week. The question is a familiar one that many couples struggle with.

Dear Mary Jo, I married my husband young and have been married almost 4 yrs. We have had many ups and downs. I have just noticed he flirts a lot with other girls. I ask him why and he has no answer. What should I do? I am hurt and confused. Thank you, Diane

Dear Diane, flirting is a way to interact and get attention. I have never known anyone who doesn’t flirt even when they are married. People everywhere dress, talk, laugh, play, and engage, all in an effort to get the attention they need. Babies flirt by flashing a smile or giving direct eye contact. However, when couples get married, sexual flirting is not advised. Sexual flirting is different than the normal, playful flirting the majority of people engage in. My guess is that the sexual flirting in which your husband is participating is the one that has you most upset.

When a marriage has ups and downs it is common for one or both parties to begin feeling unstable. Securing another potential partner is a form of self survival for some. It sounds like your husband is not getting the amount or type of attention he needs to feel secure. When a partner answers a direct question with, “I don’t know,” it means they don’t know (don’t read into it). They may not have given it thought or reflected upon it. He may feel the feelings but not be able to identify the source. If he feels unloved, rather than sitting down and talking to you, he opts for flirting with someone new. What he is most likely seeking is the attention from a woman to feel desired and special.

There is so much in your letter I don’t know, so I am going to try and help you in a broad sense. If you confront him directly and tell him that his behavior makes you feel sad and unloved, it may be enough for him to discontinue using flirting as a way to get attention. However, you will have better success and help the marriage more if you take a look at what you are doing to communicate your love and respect for him. You can begin this by asking yourself questions such as these:

1.     How do I satisfy my need for attention? For example, to meet your need are you reaching out to other men, working longer hours for warm fuzzies, spending more time and emotional intimacy with friends, eating more, drinking more, smoking more, or letting yourself go?

2.     How are you communicating your love and attention to your spouse? Are most of your interactions with him critical, blaming, yelling, cold, rejecting, or loveless?

3.     Does my partner feel rejected by my avoiding intimacy or sex with him? If you don’t know you better ask him.

Once you are able to ascertain the answers to these questions, you can go to him, and tell him you have reflected on some of your feelings lately and have a better understanding of what is going on in the marriage. You can tell him that you have a part also. This will minimize feelings of defensiveness and anger. When you both are able to see your part in this problem, you can begin making changes.

Some people flirt because it is a learning style they learned from their family of origin and they achieve success by using this tactic. In a marriage however, when you suddenly notice flirting, it is a warning sign. See the red flag and before you attack, take a look at your own part in the relationship. It is always easier to project blame onto a partner; however, the marriages with the most contentment are the ones that identify their part in the relationship and work to change the dynamics if it is causing their partner distress. Good luck to you, Diane. I am so glad you value your marriage enough to reach out to me. My readers may be able to offer additional insights with their comments.