In almost every old movie when the couples are in love and committing to one another there will appear a door, and the man carries the woman over the threshold. Whether that happens with a newly married couple moving into their first home, or whether it happens on a date when the guy carries the woman into the bedroom…. it happens. Today there is a new threshold, where the woman is being carried over the boyfriend/husband’s parents’ threshold, or her parents’ threshold. The bottom line is they aren’t moving into their own place.

This goes on in many other countries. In fact, in Italy men frequently live at home until they are forty. The mothers in Italy have a lot of power and control, and it is understood. In the US it is not traditional. In fact, young people want to leave home as soon as possible, but the economy is forcing many of those who left to return, and it is awkward when a grown son or daughter moves back in with mom and dad. Many times, they don’t come home alone; they have a “friend” or spouse. Having teenagers living with parents is wild enough, but having grown children with their spouses, friends or children living with parents can be chaotic.

It’s not only chaotic for the in-laws, but it’s chaotic for the in-law child too. They didn’t grow up with the parents’ family. They didn’t see the type of parenting style used to raise their new husband or wife, nor do they understand expectations and family boundaries. These issues and many more can make the stay in the family home a stressful, tumultuous time.  As with all things, the better planning and communication about what is going to happen, the better. This is not a good surprise for anyone, so communication about feelings prior to moving in will make the threshold more welcoming. Below are a few more suggestions that will help.

1. Have a clear idea in mind how long you are going to live with your parents. Knowing a time limit will help people choose their battles more wisely. For example, if you cannot stand the way your dad or father-in-law spits tobacco while watching CNN, if you know you only have to tolerate it for six months, it may allow you to step back and find an option rather than saying, “Gross, can you stop that,” and storming off to your room or criticizing your partner.
2. Talk to your partner about boundaries. All couples need privacy, and if you know that you will have a place in the home that is off limits to everyone else, it can be a refuge when you need space.
3. Don’t just ask; observe and help whenever you can. When you live with someone else’s parents as a couple, you are usually trying to save money for a place of your own. Your way of giving back is to help. Cooking meals, folding laundry, running errands, and numerous other tasks keep a family going and they are all time consuming for one person. The more hands the better.
4. Remember, your in-laws were a couple long before you came into the picture. They have an unspoken language you may not understand, but your partner will. As much as possible, stay out of family feuds and arguments unless they directly involve you.
5. Date nights for you and your partner are so important, and they become even more important if you are living with in-laws. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you do need to get out of the house together and enjoy one another as a couple. If you have children, you will want to make babysitting arrangements so mom and dad don’t feel like you are taking advantage of them (this is the number one problem I hear about when kids move back home, so talking about it before it happens is advised).

Having parents and in-laws who are willing and supportive in offering you a place to live so you can save money or get on your feet is a gift. The best way you can gift back to them, is to try your best to be the kind of person that leaves them missing you, rather than distancing themselves from you. This is achieved through communication, gratefulness, and respect of boundaries. It can be a time remembered fondly in your relationship or a memory you want to forget.

In Italy, they call kids who never leave home “Momonies.” In Germany, it’s “Hotel Mama.” Japan’s “Stay at home adult children” are “Parasite Singles.”  The scenario is one we have seen in the movies, with our neighbors and possibly in our home. Junior won’t leave. He has no intention of ever getting his own place. He goes on numerous job interviews that are futile toward securing him a job. He has a girlfriend or two and they are usually hanging out at your house too and eating your food. His clothes are in your hamper each Saturday to wash, and he forgets to fold them and put them away. Before long you are taking care of him much the way you did when he was eight. It may not be Junior. It may be your daughter Laura. That can be worse as Laura may have an unemployed boyfriend and/or a baby or two. Telling Laura “No” is easier than telling those little cherub faced grandchildren “No.” What is a parent to do? How did this situation happen and how can you stop it? Your friends and neighbors advise you to never let it happen from the beginning, but it is unclear how and when it happened. It is insidious and before you know it, you have your son, daughter, their partners and grandkids all in your extra bedrooms. It’s no longer just the two of you as you had imagined. The nest is so full someone is bound to fall out. Last week on Fox I received this question from a viewer.

Dear Mary Jo, My 19-year-old daughter has two kids of her own, and I sometimes think she uses her kids to get her way with me. I think I feel like I'm not a good mom. I want to put the grandkids first in this situation, so I end up taking care of them most of the time. What are your thoughts? Thanks, JJ

Dear JJ,

Wow, what a dilemma, but what an incredible opportunity to teach your young daughter healthy boundaries and change her life in a positive way. Preventing this sort of situation is always much easier than dealing with it after it happens. No matter what religious book you ascribe to, you will find that loving someone often includes being firm with them and mentoring strong boundaries. Even Christ loved with firmness. His love was gentle, but it also held others accountable for their actions. Your daughter needs this right now. Sit down by yourself and make a plan, and then work toward carrying it out.

1.      Make an appointment with your daughter over lunch, tea, or in the evening when her children are asleep. Ask her for her plan. Be objective as much as you can, but also remind her nothing changes without a plan. You can propose that you will be backup babysitter, but make sure she knows how many hours that includes each week.

2.      Part of being a mom of small children is acknowledging you can no longer go out every night of the week. When you are a mom, your children have to come first. You went through that with her when she was small. Now it is her turn. If you are always there to take the kids, you are robbing her of learning this very important lesson.  If she has to pay for a babysitter, she will learn that going out every night is expensive and she cannot afford it.  If she makes the excuse that her pregnancy was an accident, you may do wise by reminding her that becoming pregnant by accident can happen once. If it happens twice, it is no longer an accident. It is recklessness. If it happens when you are not married and secure in a relationship, it is selfish and there are consequences. That new little soul deserves the best home possible.

3.      Tell her you are willing to help her organize her life and get on solid ground, but she will have to walk the walk. Remind her you have a life also, and you have to live it. Your grandchildren will feel your strength and genuine happiness in being with them if you are not feeling used.

Thanks for writing, JJ. I hope this helps. Let me know how things are going with your new plan. MJO

JJ’s letter is a version of what parents who cannot get their kids out of the house deal with. However, if your child never left, there is a very good reason they are happy to stay home. Below are steps to get them packing.

1.     Begin with a plan. Make them write down their next year plan. Many kids say they cannot find a job. However, if you watch them fail interview after interview, you may begin to see that the effort they are putting out is just enough to get you off their back. They have no intention of really getting a job. If they know the gravy train stops in a year, or whatever the plan is, often those interviews become more serious.

2.     If you never gave your child responsibility, beginning after college is too late. They need to understand and have a limited amount of resources from you up front. Present this as a “united front” with both mom and dad in agreement. Make sure they know that if they use alcohol, drugs or smoking, their lease at home will be terminated. Any rule you don’t want broken, have in writing before their clothes are unpacked and in their closet. It isn’t uncommon to come home to a puppy or kitty in Junior or Laura’s room.

3.     If your child has you doing laundry, cooking meals, feeding them and their friends, charging rent is very helpful in teaching them responsibility. It is the single biggest motivator parents can use to help their child get on their feet again. Junior won’t like it, but getting a job and paying for services rendered is a fact of life.

This situation of kids never leaving, or leaving and coming back, usually is more about parents not having strong boundaries. If your child has to move back, never allow that to happen without a plan upfront. You are not being a loving parent by letting your kids use you. You are actually enabling them to be helpless victims. Life is tough. Life is beautiful too. Most of us achieve happiness by feeling good about what we do and working for something we deem valuable, being rewarded by that dream coming true. Kids who never leave home have nothing to work for if parents continue to give them everything.