Heart and Soul With Mary Jo

Tags >> Addictions

A recent study reported that every 39 seconds a new pornographic video is being made. There are 1.5 billion pornographic Internet downloads a month. Between the years 2005 and 2006 the pornography business increased by almost one billion dollars. It is well into the billions now. Addiction to Internet pornography is a growing problem in the U.S and almost everywhere in the world due to the ever increasing ease of being on the Internet and the large amount of porn sights available. Each year the pornography industry grows by millions of dollars. If you are reading this thinking it affects others but not you, don't be so sure. Our husbands, wives and children may be watching pornography. Not only may your own family be watching it, but your parents, brothers, and sisters may be too. In fact, it is so insidious, available, and addictive that by the time you begin to wonder if your partner's interest in the computer late at night is becoming an addiction, it may be too late.


Trying to find out what causes a porn addiction is as puzzling as trying to find out who is susceptible. There are some basic questions you may want to ask yourself to assess if you or someone you love is addicted to porn:

  1. Is sex or thoughts of watching sex interfering with your life, work, or your relationships? Do you find yourself withdrawing from your partner so you can be alone to watch porn?
  2. Is it becoming more difficult to desire your partner due to watching porn?
  3. Do you feel disconnected from your partner due to watching porn?

Porn affects all genders, income brackets and sexual orientations. Viewing pornography on the Internet can happen at home, work, in the car, at a hotel, on an airplane or anywhere. Many people who are addicted to pornography have had dysfunctional families and may have suffered abuse verbally, physically or sexually. Before you point the finger and think only men have this problem, let me reassure you that women have it too. In the last count, men outnumbered women but women were still a sizeable number. It parallels the number of women who struggle with alcohol/and or drug addictions.


Feelings of shame (staying up in the wee hours masturbating to pictures or going out to meet a stranger to have sex), secrecy (feeling you must keep this behavior secret to avoid trouble with your spouse or job), and sometimes abuse (in your efforts to deny the addiction you can get verbally and physically abusive with your spouse) are the emotions that eventually destroy your relationship. The addict cannot stop, and they risk everything they once loved or cared about. They run huge debt on their credit cards (although many of the web sites are free, meeting up with the stranger is not), they suffer from lack of sleep, and they become increasingly irritable and withdraw from their spouse and/or family.


How do we treat a porn addiction? Addiction to pornography is treated as a psychological addiction. There has to be an underlying reason for one's addiction. The 12 Step Recovery Institute adopts a 12 Step Program from the Drug/Alcohol Program to be used for addiction to pornography. Porn addiction programs are successful, but according to Sneider, who has worked extensively in this area, the most important predictor of relapse after treatment is the failure of the partner to be involved in the treatment program. We could prevent pornography addiction if we could educate couples in regards to the dangers of pornography-what to look for, how to prevent it, and how to begin the tough conversation when you are suspicious. Experts say 85% of women were correct when they had a “gut feeling” their lover was cheating (pornography is another form of cheating), 50% of men were correct when they had a “gut feeling” their lover was cheating. One thing is for certain, if we continue to say “it will never happen to me” we will ensure the growth of pornography. Currently approximately 12% of total websites available on the Internet are porn related. How many more families are we willing to sacrifice?


I watched Tiger Woods' apology about his treatment for sexual addiction on national television. Watched and listened along with millions of others to the words that are so frequently said when someone is in rehab. "I have ruined my life and it is my own fault. I need to ask your forgiveness, and I need to make amends for the pain I have caused you."

I run a food addiction group at Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas, and work with sexual addictions in my private practice. One thing I know for sure, an addiction is an addiction and it makes little difference what the drug of choice is. Lives are ruined with all addictions and anyone who loves the addicted person is hurt over and over again. The addict is on a slow spiral downward and cannot get well until they decide they have had enough.

What makes addictions so difficult to treat, whether they are food, sex or drugs, is the denial that keeps them in place. The addict cannot see clearly and they are no longer the person you loved, were married to, or birthed. They are addicted, and the drug has full control over their personality. They will steal, lie, cheat, and care nothing about what you think. They are totally self-absorbed toward getting the next fix. Forget it if you think you are helping them by covering for them when they are too depressed or hung over to go to work. If and when that happens, you have become part of the problem. When an overeater wants to celebrate at their favorite restaurant and you take them and eat with them, you are part of the addiction. When a friend wants to meet up with a date in a new town and you keep it a secret from everyone, knowing this friend has had many other lovers you are part of the addiction. Tiger's handlers who didn't hold him accountable and didn't stand up to him became enablers of his addiction. He may need to reconsider who he hires, and tell them up front that they need to be firm in what is acceptable and what is not.

The three teachings that Tiger already learned, and that I teach in the food addiction group, as well as with my sex addicted patients, are:

  • Claim your higher power. Tiger got back to what was missing spiritually for him. He was a Buddhist and had let that part of himself go. Addictions cannot function with a higher power. If you can get back to your faith and belief in God, you can weaken the addiction.

     

  • Build and re-establish boundaries. Addictions have no boundaries. Tiger was seeing anyone who came into his path. He wasn’t picky about who or what they were. Just a capable, warm body. Food addicts eat anything, until they are sick. They don’t care if it's healthy, or high fat, they just want to "fill the void." They want to numb the pain, and comfort what they are feeling. Tiger wanted that too. Addicts need to know where they begin and end. They need to protect their inner circle and protect it from outside forces. They need to re-establish family and be accountable.

     

  • Make amends. Take TOTAL RESPONSIBLITY. The blame is yours. You hurt everyone and never thought of anyone else during your addiction. You have humiliated those who love you due to your extravagance.  You must admit that to heal. You must ask forgiveness. This is very painful because when you begin working through the denial and realize what you did while under the influence (sex, food, alcohol, drugs, gambling) you cannot believe the people you hurt and the selfishness you expressed. No buts, no you did this, just plain and simple, "I am sorry. I thought I was entitled to act this way. I was spoiled and immature, and only thinking of myself." This is the step that HAS TO BE DONE.

     

    Tiger has a long way to go. He has to work the 12 steps as well as live them. He has to mend his marriage, which will take a long time. His wife needs to hold him accountable. She also needs to forgive him if she is going to stay married to him, and this is very difficult.  What happened to Tiger Woods is not unusual. I see it every day. WE can all learn from his mistake if we humble ourselves enough to be honest about what we are addicted to. Start there, and then make that call for rehabilitation.