The War of the Roses was a movie about angry couples who tried to punish each other with extreme and devious plots. I see a simplified version almost every day when counseling couples. We all get angry at our partner from time to time, and wish we could punish them in some way that would eliminate their annoying or hurtful behavior. The problem with punishing someone is it cannot be done rashly and is not wise to do when you are angry and upset. Punishment is most effective when it is a natural consequence. An example of that would be if your husband refuses to grocery shop when you are out of town or away on business. When you get home and want to cook up a feast (because you want to please him) and there is no food in the house rather than running to the grocery store yourself, you eat leftovers. Leftovers are easier for you and he will learn that if he wants a nice dinner he has to do his part of the meal preparation. You don't need to yell; you can talk it over and explain. The War of the Roses' version is you get into a huge fight and end up yelling at him with a knife in your hands as you are chopping vegetables. Not productive and not changing anyone's behavior. Or maybe you are separated and your spouse wants the kids for the weekend. You pack their overnight bags with the baggy clothes (to show you need more money) or you send your child to your spouse with only half of what they need. You aren't happy, your spouse isn't happy, and the child is caught in the middle. No one wins in this mess. Is this your relationship right now? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you let yourself go because your partner is constantly looking at other attractive people and mentioning your weight is a problem?
2. Do you drink too much because you just want to feel numb or you want your partner to know you don't care?
3. Are you having an affair because your partner doesn't pay attention to you or has cheated on you in the past?
4. Do you not get your hair, nails, or any other self care because you don't want your husband to know you care?
5. Have you given up on yourself because you want the other person to know how much their words have hurt you?
6. Do you use sex as a weapon or form of punishment?
7. Do you turn to the children to have an emotional relationship because you are angry with their other parent?

There are many forms of punishing someone you love, but remember that they hurt your own self too. If, when you punish someone, it harms you or is unhealthy for your marriage and family, then I encourage you to engage in different behaviors.

Three effective behaviors to use instead of punishment:

1. Talk to your spouse. If you are angry, wait until you calm down. Write down what the problem is because that helps keep it clearer in your mind. It also takes the emotions out of it and you have less of a tendency to act irrationally. For example: “I am hurt that you left and we cannot work out our marriage. I don't think it is good for the children and every time I send them to you it is a sign that I failed.” This may be true or false, but if you feel it then it is honest and needs to be said rather than acted out.
2. Be flexible. Things don't always go our way. Sometimes your mate cannot do a chore (going to the grocery store) because they had to prioritize other things. If you are rigid or close-minded in your thinking, you will have a difficult time being married. Life is not black and white and sometimes the best intentions go undone.
3. Never forget your children are watching you. Did you know that bullies watch their adult parents punish each other? They know how to punish and many times they practice what they watch on someone they see as weaker than themselves. Wouldn't you rather have your child watch you forgive and accept your partner's faults?
4. Tone of voice and lack of affection may hurt your partner, but it can kill you. Studies support that anger, tone of voice, being hurt and not feeling or giving affection are traumatic to the heart. Yet, when we get angry or hurt these are the first weapons we use. We withdraw affection, intimacy, sex or use a harsh voice. How long do you need to punish someone with these tactics? The longer you use them, the more they will hurt you. Your partner may or may not feel punished.
5. Self-care is vital to your existence. When you stop taking care of yourself the ONLY person you are hurting is yourself. You are telling yourself that you are not a worthwhile, loveable person, and your children are watching. Children personalize what their parents say, not only by their words, but what they see their parents doing. Not taking care of you, whether it involves drinking, drugs, or becoming obese, are all ways people try to get back or punish someone. Many times anger and rebellion are underneath these behaviors. Your behavior may make your partner feel guilt, shame, or sadness, but what is it doing to you?

Most marriages would be healthier if they quit trying to punish each other and began to focus on trying to understand. Work with each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses. We all feel the need to punish our partners at some time. However, trying to punish someone else is missing the point. Instead, focus on caring for yourself when you are hurt by someone. Let go of the hurt and treat yourself to something that will make you feel cared for and special. Buy yourself flowers, or take a walk in a garden. Look at beauty, sketch, get your nails done, or meet a friend for coffee and a chat. The feelings of needing to punish someone will dissipate, and you will be more ready to talk after you have filled yourself up by doing something positive.