She brings home the bacon and he mows the lawn

Posted by: Mary Jo Rapini in MyBlog on Jan 25, 2010

It was inevitable, women kept going to school (at present more women are going to college than men), stopped getting married young to have children (women are at present taking less time off from their careers to have children and care for them), and now four out of ten women earn more than their husbands. Let us not forget that even though women are making more money than before, we still earn, overall, 77.9 cents for every dollar earned by men.

Women who are in primary bread winning roles in their family are on their own. They are reinventing a family life very different from the one in which they grew up. Many couples find the need to redefine their roles and they may feel more comfortable if these roles remain traditional. In reality, there is no way a woman can (or should) imagine she can work a twelve hour day and come home to face kids and laundry. This leads to a stress in the marriage and a breakdown in communication between husband and wife. Many couples look for the solution to who will do what? It sounds easy, "you take the trash out and I will wash the dishes." If men are not working outside the home, or are the house dad at home, they may cling to the more traditional male roles as a way to continue their masculine self-image. These feelings may not be rational at times, but honoring them may be marriage saving. In several studies, men whose wives earned more than they did actually withdrew and isolated themselves from chores unless the more traditional roles were established. This may be due to him needing to feel like the head of the home, or it could be his wife needs these traditional roles so she can feel like she has a man who does manly chores.

Men with working wives take on more housework than men with stay at home moms. However, they still lag behind by five hours a week. In families with small children, the gap becomes even wider with women spending 17 more hours per week than men on household chores.

If you are in a family where you earn more than your husband, or your wife earns more than you, these suggestions may help ease the transitions of who does what. After all, the important thing is that the chores get done.

1.  You are in it together.
   How much you earn is not the issue. The issue is who is going to do what to keep the family together. You will have a less stressful marriage if you work it together. Organize a weekly calendar and put it up in a central location. Let the kids pitch in too. Everyone has to work together to keep the family happy and healthy. Do not let yourself get caught up in who does more, or who makes more. You are both contributing to the same goal (a happy, healthy marriage and family).
2.  How much you make should not prevent you from doing your fair share at home.
   Boasting that you make more money and therefore your spouse should do more is not a good idea if you want a healthy marriage. No matter if your partner makes $26,000 a year and you make $150,000 a year, both of you are still working 40 hours a week and contributing. Most likely, you both have the same amount of free time. Demeaning your partner's job and elevating yours is a sign of arrogance, not a cooperative partner. Make a schedule that gives each of you some playtime, and also time for chores that need to be done.
3. Don't forget date time.
   Most of us work at our jobs to better our families and our situation. We cannot work without taking time away. This time away with your spouse is so important. Many times couples fight when they are stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It is not about the chores or family income that precipitates divorce. It is a loss of connectedness to one's spouse. All the money in the world will not matter unless the person you are married to loves you and wants to share their life with you. Take the time to get away and let go of chores and other demands. They will be there when you get home.
4. Socialize with other couples with the same lifestyle as yours.
   Socializing with other couples lowers your blood pressure and your risk of heart attacks. Get out with your spouse and enjoy laughing and sharing dinner with friends. Couples who play together really do share chores and work together more effectively.
5. The recession is impacting men's jobs more than women's.
   My daughter's professor calls the recession the mancession. More men have been affected by the recession with layoffs and cuts than women. Therefore, just because you do earn more than your hubby, it does not mean you are better or more qualified. Be grateful you have a job no matter how much you make, and celebrate his job or what he is able to accomplish at home. Men derive self-esteem and self worth by the work they do. Losing their job is much more difficult for a man to deal with than it is for a woman. Your man may need your support and assurance that he is still the "man" of the house no matter who brings home the bacon.

I came from a home where my mother was more educated and earned more than my father. He worked nights at a menial job and earned half of her salary. They worked together, and they were able to hold us children accountable for doing chores so we could survive. My dad was my primary caretaker during the day. The guy slept about 4 hours at night (from the time my mother came home to the time he went to the graveyard shift). They raised nine children. I evaluate every man by my father's strong, sensitive, nurturing abilities. A man's (and woman's worth) can never be judged by what they earn.